(1) JESSICA CHASTAIN vs. (16) KIRSTEN DUNST
In an unusual turn of affairs, I legitimately like both of these actresses. They’re both talented and very disarming on the red carpet. Obviously, we’ve had a great fondness for Kiki ever since she said she liked this website — DURING A PERIOD WHERE WE CALLED HER DR. SUNKEN TITS. (Although, we were only quoting someone else’s nickname, but… it was a long time ago.) I mean, THAT is being a good sport. And Chastain always comes across so bubbly with the Seacrest, and she brought her Grandma to the Oscars. Delightful! If only she could translate her delightful-ness to her wardrobe with any kind of regularity. Instead, this year she’s tended to fall directly into SO CLOSE category. Everything ALMOST works. And then totally does not. (With the exception of her Oscar dress, which, in the name of fairness, we must note she won Fug Nation’s Best Dressed.)
Like this is THEORETICALLY okay:
But practically a bit droopy. And this:
…ought to be great but works out to be kind of drab.
I kind of like this dress, but not in this color, and not on her – it worked better for me when Jennifer Lawrence wore it in blue. That being said, her skirt is useful when it comes to getting caked-on grease off your lasagne pan. Her face at least looks great. Like literally 90% of the people in this tournament.
This, on the other hand, is a great color:
But the cut is totally wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, as Noted Dressologist Tyra Banks would say. This look, on the other hand:
Let’s take a look at Kiki. Welcome back, Kiks. We missed you.
We missed your predilection for caftans.
Your enviable habit of popping up at the Met Ball wearing something that looks like a formal beer stein.
Your….whatever this is.
And, obviously, your Shower Curtain Gowns. Never leave us again. (At least we’ll always have your archives.)
(4) FERGIE vs. (13) SOLANGE
The battle of the one-named songtresses! And who would have thought that our beloved Solange would find herself all the way down at a 13 seed? She’s so normal now. I mean, comparatively. You’re never going to spy Solange at the Whole Foods in Gap jeans and a half-price tank from Target and THANK GOD FOR THAT. Not because there’s anything wrong with that — I may be wearing a half-price tank from Target RIGHT NOW — but Solange is a bright wacky blessing and I want her to remain so.
You can stick your leg out the slit all you want. It’s still a bedsheet. This, on the other hand, is MAJESTIC:
This outfit is perfect for an afternoon on the deck at your place in Capri. Sure, she’s at an Elle party somewhere that is assuredly not a deck in Capri, but still. I love her for wearing a bra top to a party. That’s not even sarcastic. I actually really do love her for it. This makes it no less cracked out, but I just wanted to say that.
Speaking of majestic:
This is like Diana Ross + Another Bedsheet + Awesome x Crazy = SOLANGE.
This is bold:
And by “bold,” I mean “cute, but possibly backward and DEFINITELY too well-ventilated.” If you have to hold your clutch in front of your crotch all night, something as gone awry.
Speaking of going awry:
Awry, and awry-er:
I mean, honestly. Either that was unintentional, which is horrible, or it’s totally intentional, which is HORRIBLER.
Speaking of HORRIBLE:
Wait, did someone say “horrible”?
To borrow from Jem and the Holograms, the idea that someone could look at hot pants, fur arms, and a weight-lifting belt and decide to wear it to the Ivy is truly, truly, truly outrageous. There is yet more outrageousness in her archives, which I implore you to peruse in your quest for truth.
(5) FLORENCE WELCH vs. (12) THOMAS JANE
This match I wish were, instead of an ephemeral internet poll-off, an actual, like, slap fight. I just want to see these two face off in the same room at the same time. Except now that I think about it, they might fall in love and…actually, no, that would be awesome, too.
FloWe can wear this to the wedding!
And what groom doesn’t secretly want to look like the third bookie from the left in a lesser HBO miniseries about Debauched Olden Times that Martin Scorsese filmed on a whim over Memorial Day weekend:
As far as Florence goes, this ALMOST works, and it definitely works if you’re getting ready for your FIGURE SKATING JOKE HERE, am I right?
This is dapper! It’s handsome! It’s…wait. Something is missing, right? What is it? What….could it be?
Here’s a hint. It rhymes with CLUES.
Oh, hey, girl. They’ve got a salve for that. Just thought you should know.
RHYMES WITH BLUES.
RHYMES WITH SHOES. IS SHOES. YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES. AGAIN. ALWAYS. WHY??!!?!!!!11!!??!
Florence is so alarmed by her beloved’s constant shoelessness that she decided to dress like a salamander and hope she’d find herself reptile-adjacent so she could just blend in.
…I guess I should have been more specific about the ideal SORT of shoes, right? You live, you learn.
(8) JESSICA BIEL vs. (9) KATIE HOLMES
Aw! Two brunette former CW starlets now romantically entangled with people who are much much famous and also arguably more talented than they are — or who, at least, get much better career options. I also never realized how much these two resemble one another until JUST NOW, when I went through their respective archives.
This is terrible.
This is marshmallow fluff in dress form.
Terrible II: The Return.
Yeah, yeah. You work out. We get Us Weekly; we know.
You, on the other hand, are wearing BLOOMERS to a FORMAL EVENT like a….I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO DOES THAT.
Yeah, yeah. You’re getting married. We get Us Weekly; we know.
Terrible III: Terrible Goes Wild.
Yeah, yeah. You’re going to be an octogenarian one day. We get Us Weekly; we know.