Fug Madness 2011, Sweet Sixteen: Madonna Bracket

(2) MILEY CYRUS vs. (3) LEONA LEWIS

Damn, this one is going to be INTENSE. I kind of wish we could corral these two ladies and make them have a motherf’ing walk-off. Since we can’t, let’s just approximate it instead. Let’s start with the big guns.

On the left, we have Ms. Cyrus, sporting a dress she may well be wearing backward. Her boobs look like volleyballs stuffed in one of those mesh bags after P.E. class. Whereas Leona is wearing lips. Her chest could actually nurse itself.

Here, Miley is preparing to referee a bout of Foxy Boxing, and Leona is there to sing the national anthem, with chains as gallantly streaming as our broad stripes and bright stars.

Note: Leona was, technically, at a costume party. Although I do not believe the theme was The Phantom Of The Dry Cleaner That Shrank The Ringling Brothers’ Costumes. Miley, conversely, was at the premiere of Justin Bieber’s movie, and so — of course! — she picked a fringed bathrobe with bellbottoms, presumably because the movie was called Never Say Never and so she used that as a style philosophy.

Leona’s bow has boobs. Miley’s bow has a tail. They both look like the world’s cruddiest wrapping jobs.

What ho! See-through skirts! Although, does Miley’s even qualify as a skirt? It seems more like… a bunch of holes with some spandex around them. If that shirt actually IS supposed to be the Union Jack, as its colors and pattern would indicate, then all of Britain should sue. And then America can be like, “Look, we’ll keep her contained, as long as you take back the walking gift basket who keeps invading our shores with her weird bangs and boob lips.”

Let’s see how they fare with pants.

Wait, silly me, those aren’t pants — they’re a baggy-thighed pantaloon jumpsuit (a jumpaloon) and a pair of shredded panty-hose underneath a shirt Billy Ray wore in 1992. My mistake.

There is more. So much more, from both Miley and Leona. This only scratches the surface. This merely plucks at the eczema; to fully moisturize it, immerse yourself in their individual archives and then let your voting finger point the way.