Fug Madness 2011, Sweet Sixteen: Charo Bracket

(1) RIHANNA vs. (13) RYAN CABRERA

You remember the fur dress made of Santa’s beard clippings. You’ve seen the racy red lace. You know about the origami. But do not forget this:

I think IKEA sells that as a bedspread. It’s called HULJA and it’s available in reds or blues. Rihanna, I feel no shame in saying that I hate your HULJA.

Also, in addition to hating her jumpsuit and her panty-hose and her socks and her blazer and transparent shirt, I also hate her pants:

And her pockets:

I deeply lament, also, that poor Fozzy Bear is at home riffling through his drawers, frantically seeking his signature scarf and angrily accusing Gonzo of having stolen it to try and reset his always-broken nose.

Rihanna comes up against Ryan Cabrera, who in the spirit of this matchup needs a matching one-word monkier. How about Rybrera? So, Rybrera and his unnecessary nipple turned out to be the Cinderella of this year’s Fug Madness, complete with a crown:

Oh no, wait, THAT’S HIS HAIR.

Now he’s one of Cinderella’s footmen. STILL WITH THAT HAIR.

Seriously, what is with this dude? The things he seems the most obsessed with are peace and the height of his coif.

I’m with him on peace, and all, but if Rybrera put the kind of effort into his career that he puts into TV-dating Audrina Patridge and gelling up his monster coif and going vest-shopping, maybe we wouldn’t be getting so many comments on these entries that say, “I have no idea who that dude is, but I voted for him because he looks like a douche.” Apparently, his oozing essence is more potent than we imagined. Maybe Rihanna should fear Rybrera.

Then again:

Tough call, Fug Nation. And yet this is your task.