(1) KATY PERRY v. (16) MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

“No, no! I MEANT to look like this!”

“What else could you possibly expect from a girl who wore WINGS on the Grammy carpet?”

“Or who popped out one night dressed like a Nutcracker? (PS, I’m also a nutcracker. ASK RUSSELL. HAHAHAHAH. I kid.)”

“Or a movie ticket. Doesn’t Russell look like he’s wondering what he’s gotten himself into? That scamp!”

“Or….this. In which I am a…er. Knot enthusiast! Yes! Exactly! I was a Girl Scout!”

“But you know me! This is just the tip of my iceberg! There was also the time that I went out dressed like a sexy Smurf! Or a gumball machine! Or a flower-enthusiast with barely wrangled boobs! Or an ice dancer! Or a Member’s Only Loving Cat Lover! Or a woman straddling two countries, in leather! So much to see!”

And then there’s Michelle:

I’m telling you, without that Oscar outfit, she might not even BE here.

I mean, this is bad:

And this is ALSO bad:

BUT IS IT ENOUGH?

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(8) CHLOE SEVIGNY v. (9) NICOLE KIDMAN

I just read that the Sev has been cast in an HBO mini-series about Lizzie Borden — of ax/whacks fame — and I am going to just announce that I’m pretty sure she’s going to be AWESOME in it. Also: it means she’ll still be out and about once Big Love is over. Also: I will probably have nightmares of her chopping me up. I will deserve it. Let’s be honest.

Okay. This trend of the White Shirt/Black Bow Tie HAS to stop. It HAS to. WE ARE OUT OF KFC JOKES. IT’S OVER. PARTY’S OVER. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here:

Ditto jumpsuits:

LET THE JUMPSUIT DIE!

The Sev is up against Nicole Kidman, who would ALSO be good in a mini-series about a serial killer, now that I think about it. Not because I find her murder-y, but just because she’s a good actor:

She, however, might FEEL murdery about how she wore this Dior to the Oscars and then the next thing you know, we’re all making envelope jokes and she looks up from playing with her secret baby and John Galliano has gone and lost his FREAKING MIND.

I feel murdery about that jumpsuit. What did I just say about jumpsuits, Nicole? PLEASE READ CAREFULLY!

This, I thought, was also awkward. As a careful perusal of her archives may well reveal, Nicole tends to look GREAT when she’s attending something as Keith’s date, but when she’s the person in the spotlight, she kinda chokes.

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(5) JESSICA SIMPSON v (12) JESSICA BIEL

And time for the BATTLE OF THE JESSICAS:  these girls were placed in to these brackets by the randomizer, so it’s total coincidence that the Jessicas are getting written about by another Jessica.

I am not wild about what either of these girls are doing to uphold our good name. Like….

When we wrote about Jessica’s lifetime achievement in wardrobe for NY Mag, Heather and I said that we think Jessica Simpson might be the worst dressed celebrity of all time. I stand by that. But of this year? That’s up to you. That Michael Kors, above, is….well, it’s bad. IT’S REAL BAD.

DUDE.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE . DUDE. DUDE. DUDE. DUDE.

That reminds me. Where IS my car?

On to Biel:

Jessica Biel IS Dorothy Zbornak!

Jessica Biel IS wearing her tablecloth hastily wrapped around her best La Perla!

Jessica Biel IS wearing bedsheets. (And enviably flat abs. Maybe it should read, Jessica Biel IS making a workout video.) She IS also showing us her underpants, looking grab with gym hair, and um, STILL refusing to do her hair. Honey, you’re on the market again. A little dry shampoo might not go awry.

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(4) BOOBS LEGSLEY v. (13) SHENAE GRIMES

And here we are, Fug Nation, on the last match-up of round one of Fug Madness! How apt that it features a girl who never meet a mini-dress she didn’t love.

Blake says she doesn’t have a stylist and on one hand, I believe it, and on the other, HOW COULD THIS HAVE COME OUT OF HER OWN MIND?

SIGH. WE KNOW. Your legs are great. YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THIS.

Or this, for that matter. Or THIS.

Or….

YEAH.

On to Shenae Grimes, who actually totally BROUGHT IT this year — and who is surprisingly good on 90210 this season. I mean, she’s no Drunkface (who is really pretty funny), but she’s kind of entertaining. That whole show is secretly really fun.

Unlike this outfit:

OR THIS ONE MY GOD MY EYES:

I’m actually wearing this right now:

I jest! I’m obviously wearing THIS:

Compression socks are HUGE for Spring!

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