Fug Madness 2011 Round One: Madonna Bracket, Part II


“No, no! I MEANT to look like this!”

“What else could you possibly expect from a girl who wore WINGS on the Grammy carpet?”

“Or who popped out one night dressed like a Nutcracker? (PS, I’m also a nutcracker. ASK RUSSELL. HAHAHAHAH. I kid.)”

“Or a movie ticket. Doesn’t Russell look like he’s wondering what he’s gotten himself into? That scamp!”

“Or….this. In which I am a…er. Knot enthusiast! Yes! Exactly! I was a Girl Scout!”

“But you know me! This is just the tip of my iceberg! There was also the time that I went out dressed like a sexy Smurf! Or a gumball machine! Or a flower-enthusiast with barely wrangled boobs! Or an ice dancer! Or a Member’s Only Loving Cat Lover! Or a woman straddling two countries, in leather! So much to see!”

And then there’s Michelle:

I’m telling you, without that Oscar outfit, she might not even BE here.

I mean, this is bad:

And this is ALSO bad:


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I just read that the Sev has been cast in an HBO mini-series about Lizzie Borden — of ax/whacks fame — and I am going to just announce that I’m pretty sure she’s going to be AWESOME in it. Also: it means she’ll still be out and about once Big Love is over. Also: I will probably have nightmares of her chopping me up. I will deserve it. Let’s be honest.

Okay. This trend of the White Shirt/Black Bow Tie HAS to stop. It HAS to. WE ARE OUT OF KFC JOKES. IT’S OVER. PARTY’S OVER. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here:

Ditto jumpsuits:


The Sev is up against Nicole Kidman, who would ALSO be good in a mini-series about a serial killer, now that I think about it. Not because I find her murder-y, but just because she’s a good actor:

She, however, might FEEL murdery about how she wore this Dior to the Oscars and then the next thing you know, we’re all making envelope jokes and she looks up from playing with her secret baby and John Galliano has gone and lost his FREAKING MIND.

I feel murdery about that jumpsuit. What did I just say about jumpsuits, Nicole? PLEASE READ CAREFULLY!

This, I thought, was also awkward. As a careful perusal of her archives may well reveal, Nicole tends to look GREAT when she’s attending something as Keith’s date, but when she’s the person in the spotlight, she kinda chokes.

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And time for the BATTLE OF THE JESSICAS:¬† these girls were placed in to these brackets by the randomizer, so it’s total coincidence that the Jessicas are getting written about by another Jessica.

I am not wild about what either of these girls are doing to uphold our good name. Like….

When we wrote about Jessica’s lifetime achievement in wardrobe for NY Mag, Heather and I said that we think Jessica Simpson might be the worst dressed celebrity of all time. I stand by that. But of this year? That’s up to you. That Michael Kors, above, is….well, it’s bad. IT’S REAL BAD.



That reminds me. Where IS my car?

On to Biel:

Jessica Biel IS Dorothy Zbornak!

Jessica Biel IS wearing her tablecloth hastily wrapped around her best La Perla!

Jessica Biel IS wearing bedsheets. (And enviably flat abs. Maybe it should read, Jessica Biel IS making a workout video.) She IS also showing us her underpants, looking grab with gym hair, and um, STILL refusing to do her hair. Honey, you’re on the market again. A little dry shampoo might not go awry.

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And here we are, Fug Nation, on the last match-up of round one of Fug Madness! How apt that it features a girl who never meet a mini-dress she didn’t love.

Blake says she doesn’t have a stylist and on one hand, I believe it, and on the other, HOW COULD THIS HAVE COME OUT OF HER OWN MIND?

SIGH. WE KNOW. Your legs are great. YOU DON’T NEED TO DO THIS.

Or this, for that matter. Or THIS.



On to Shenae Grimes, who actually totally BROUGHT IT this year — and who is surprisingly good on 90210 this season. I mean, she’s no Drunkface (who is really pretty funny), but she’s kind of entertaining. That whole show is secretly really fun.

Unlike this outfit:


I’m actually wearing this right now:

I jest! I’m obviously wearing THIS:

Compression socks are HUGE for Spring!

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Comments (50):

  1. Mary

    Silly girls. Katy Perry isn’t a person, she’s a living fetish doll!

  2. Madness

    Much as I wanted to cut J. Simp. some slack, that see-through caftan with the platform heels was too much for me to tolerate. Gack!

  3. Andrea

    Michelle has nothing on Katy.

  4. jen310

    Shenae has not gotten one outfit right since she became famous (?) for 90210. It is all wrong and it is all fug. Boobs gets it right more often but her fug still shines through just not as strong as Shenae’s.

    You are right, Fug Girls, about JSimp being the worst dressed celeb. Her main claim to fuggery is that she cannot dress that body. Her clothes are fug, yes, but why can’t she dress for her damn shape. Or wash her hair. Or find a decent man. Or stop playing dumb (I really don’t think she is playing dumb – I think she is that dumb). Or get her shit together. She has money. Make it work JSimp.

    Oh, Chloe, I do love your way with fug. You don’t make your fug work like SWINTON. But you are dedicated to bringing your fug stylings to the world. Thank you. Chloe FTW. Always.

    Just as I am bored with Gaga, I am bored with Katy and her low rent Betty Page, sex pot, “look at my boobs” fuggery. Which is why I can’t vote for her. Michelle’s dress from Oscar week is what did it for me. I remember when I first saw it and the audible gasp that rose from my throat. W.T.F. Obviously, putting your everything on display is the way to go. Therefore, Michelle gets my vote.

  5. The Other Molly

    Well, Mary just about summed up the Katie Perry issue.
    If we ever get around to The Fugademy Awards, Katie will sweep the “Most Exposed Mammary Glands” category.
    The Sev is a finalist contender for this years atrocities.
    Biel doesn’t have a chance against Simp.
    I voted for Boobs.
    She has been a lot more Fug than usual this year.
    The Fug Nation Bar & Grille is still open, at all hours and proudly serving this hours specials:
    Fugby Wallbangers
    Fuga Coladas
    Shrimp Fugtail

  6. LoriK

    In general I agree that Michelle can’t hold a fug candle to Katy, but I swear in that see-through silver-ish nightmare you can see Michelle’s pubes. That has to count for something.

    The battle of the Jessicas is tricky too. J Simp looks just terrible but it’s been going on for so long that I’ve fallen into a state of exhausted acceptance. She’s clearly given up and I’ve given up right along with her. Biel on the other hand bugs the crap outta me because she should look so much better than she does. Girl, comb your damn hair and keep your panties under wraps.

  7. Lauren

    Katy is so pretty! Why does she dress like she’s still rebelling against her conservative family!?

  8. Julie

    Wow, it is so hard to choose. Sometimes I find Katy Perry is just being whimsical and in her persona whereas Michelle Rodriguez I think just has horrible horrible taste.

  9. Brian Wagner

    Why does Shenae Grimes head look much too large for her body in at least two of the photos above? Is that just me?

  10. Darsynia

    I see Katy going far in this competition. She’s in it to win it.

  11. D

    The Sev Forev(er)!

  12. Jen

    I love Katie Perry. endless entertainment.

  13. Lindy

    Ugh, Jessica Simpson just NEVER gets it right!!!

  14. Jessica

    Brian, I think the shorter the actor is, the bigger their head looks in these pics, thanks to the angle from which the photog is snapping them (often from a riser). She might also just have a yooge head.

  15. Sarah

    Is it bad that I actually want Katy Perry’s US/UK dress? No, self, it’s not: I want it! I’d also love to go out for a beer with Chloe, take Jessica S. shopping and then sit, have a coffee, and talk about boys, and raid Blake Lively’s closet. All of it. Even the stuff I would never wear.

  16. Bee

    Katy Perry is obviously having so much fun with her outfits. I can’t not love it!

  17. Bella

    Kat;y has too much fun with her fug; can’t vote for her. Could vote for Kidman because she is too pretty to be so frequently fuggy.

  18. The Moonay

    I predict Katie Perry is going to go far in this year’s tournament. The fug is strong with her.

  19. Lynnie

    Jessica, have you ever seen the show _Better with You_? A recent episode revolved around an ex-girlfriend named Jessica, a name that the two sisters in the show hate. Here’s the only clip I could find: http://www.hulu.com/watch/220721/better-with-you-mia-attacks-caseys-ex

  20. Dove

    If it makes anyone feel better RE: Biel’s abs, I went to a screening of Blade Trinity with commentary by Patton Oswalt, and he said that both Biel and Ryan Reynolds worked out at least 6 hours a day, and it was basically the ONLY thing either did besides shoot.

    It’s not yoga, or eating organic, it’s spending half your day, every day, in the gym.

  21. Adria

    I voted for MRod, simply because Katy Perry doesn’t CARE. MRod, however, might.

    I am shocked that Chloe Sevigny hasn’t won a Fug Madness yet. She wins easily over Nicole Kidman.

    At least Jessica Biel doesn’t dress in anything that makes her look 6 ft. wide. JSimp needs to lay off the OrangeGlo and dress her dang size already!!

    Can’t stand Boobs Legsly: i think she is overrated as a “beauty” and an actress. She wasn’t nearly as fug as Shenae, however.

  22. Lori

    Don’t forget about Kidman in To Die For. She played that role *scarily* well. But she’s no match for the Sevig.

  23. Damian

    Another solid field.

    1) Perry: She just seems so happy. I’d imagine that her nipply bits thrive on oxygen exposure. But while MRod remains strong, she is certainly no match the mustache. (I’m loving the faux-stache this year)

    2) The Sev: I love that she has managed to become sort of a GFY mascot. She looks so consistantly sweaty and unwashed that there’s no way Mrs. Urban could keep up.

    3) JSimp: So sad. So so so sad. But the graphic see through caftan is surely one of the worst outfits of the first round.

    4) Shenae: Called the upset! She just looks so…strange. And bad. As though she has no friends to say, look your rich, pretty, and on a hit show. DO BETTER!

  24. Neil

    All of you who were gaga (no pun intended) over Cameron Diaz’ Thighs Francisco should take a close look at Katy Perry. No matter what you think of her or her music, THOSE are spectacular legs.

  25. amy

    Katy Perry wears funky outfits for entertainment purposes. M. Rod’s style just sucks. There’s a difference!

  26. Jess

    Katy Perry makes Michelle Rodriguez look downright classy – now that’s an accomplishment..

  27. Vicki

    Wow. Legsly vs. Grimes was surprisingly difficult. “Compression socks” wins for me though. So so bad.

  28. currygirl

    Wow, I thought I was totally voting for Boobs Legsly, but Grimes gets the win for the compression socks and the pockets on the shorts. Ugh!

  29. Willow

    Michelle over Katy purely because Katy does it for the sake of doing it whereas Michelle probably genuinely think she looks good.

    Nicole of Chloe because I kind of like The Sev’s style. (you may shoot me)

    Then Simpson over Biel, need I explain?

  30. Josie

    I didn’t even bother to look at Biel’s archive. There’s no way there’s anything in there that can compete with J Simp. Girl does not know how to dress for her body at all.

  31. Chicklet

    Voting for Jessica Simpson felt kind of like kicking a puppy, but I had to do it. Maybe the Fuggery’s toughlove stance will force her to get a new stylist — one who actually *likes* her and won’t try to sabotage her, OMG.

  32. Cecily

    Katy: Go away
    Michelle: PUT IT AWAY
    Jessica (either): Take it away

  33. Lisa

    Boobs Legsly losing? Wow, I did not see that coming. What bothers me about her is that she’s being held up to be this fashion girl by ADubs, etc., and yet her clothes are so incredibly tacky.

  34. Sajorina

    This one was easy for me… Katy, Chloe, Jessica Simpson & Shenae! I feel like at least the other contestants try to look good, even if they fail (sometimes miserably), but the ones I voted for either dress in costume or make absolutely no effort, which means inevitable FUG!!!

  35. vandalfan

    I’m just grateful I won’t have to look at Kidman again. She’s so wooden you could build a bridge from her.

  36. Kat

    I actually kindof love Katy Perry, I don’t even think she looks BAD, persay, she’s wacky of course, sometimes in a questionable way, but I think she’s just trying to have fun. Michelle, on the other hand, should know better.

  37. jeannette

    you know, i’ve been trying to read a really interesting book about commodity fetishism and other hotties today, and the comments here are just as smart and observant and, you know, zeitgeisty. wuuuuuuv ooooooooo.

  38. jenny

    I’m with Bella – Katy seems awfully self-aware with her fug (see also Minaj and Gaga) so I find it impossible to vote for her. JSimp on the other hand is just adorably, horribly, amusingly clueless.

  39. Anne B

    I don’t know, Fug Girls. Let’s not rush into anything.

    ‘Cause the starch on those pants in the Sev’s second look … it sure looks Extra Crispy to me.

  40. Kyasarin

    I gave Katy Perry the edge in her contest because she at least looks like she’s having fun. Rodrigues is so dour. As for Nic vs. Sev, no contest–Nicole has had her bad spells, but when she hits it, she’s stunning. Sev is just kooky. Jessica S. has it all over Jessica B. when it comes to fug, obviously, but the Gossip Girls gave me more of a pause. I finally decided that at least Blake Lively has discovered color, while Shenae manages to fug in basic black. That takes skill. That takes talent. That takes FUG, my friends.

  41. Bambi Anne Dear

    I must admit to being an Aussie but I just don’t understand why our Nic is even in the running. She never looks bad, or stupid, or under-dressed, or vulgar. She might wear a few things that we don’t all agree on but she always looks statuesque, poised, and yes, face it beeatches, beautiful. Even in a creased jumpsuit.

  42. sophia

    boobs legsly holds a special place in my heart. does anyone remember “teen witch” with boobs legsly’s older sister robin? what am i saying. of COURSE fug nation recalls the best on-screen rap-off in the history of film (yes, im including 8 mile). and so whenever i see boobs in any match up i just think…TOP THAT! shanae grimes, are you up for the challenge? me thinks not.

    (now that i think about it. TOP THAT! could be the perfect musical accompaniment for the sideshow of the fugmadness winner. or perhaps it should be SWINTON’s theme song)

  43. Montréalaise

    Awful clothes choices aside, why does Chloe Sevigny never smile? She always looks as if she has either eaten or smelled something really, really bad. When she does attempt to smile, it looks like a smirk.

  44. Alison

    It was the compression socks that did it. I don’t even know who she is, but why anyone would think that is a good look is beyond me!

  45. soapstef

    J. Simp was a mess again this year so she takes it for me.

    Boobs Legsley is killing me because she’s all over the map…first with that dragonfly thing owning her body and soul on a leash! Then her “Dancing W/The Stars /I Dream of Jeannie get-up complete with spray tan overdone JUST ON THE BOOBS! Who plans that?!!

  46. cranky old batt

    Is it some kind of weird fringe science? Primal genetic programming? Strange group logic that makes this chick and Justin Bieber both so hateable?

  47. UK Fugger

    J Simp lacks the crazy (she’s more just badly dressed, in need of a stylist) that most Fug Madness Queens share but srsly. Girl has got to go far. The Project Runway outfit ALONE carries her at least to the quarters?

  48. Elizabeth

    Commenting so I can vote.

  49. Bat Sh*t Crazy

    trying to vote

  50. Joni Woodhead

    @ sohpia .. OMG that’s her sister? i never noticed and i LOVED that movie. crazy!

    funny or die had a list of all the ways “white people ruined hip hop” ( one of them was an amazing sold on tv DVD set to learn to hip-hop square dancing, it had a clip form the infomercial and OMG i need that DVD!! ) but number one was of course the TOP THAT rap