And so it begins! Remember, the photos we use are just illustrative (and to, we hope, make an entertaining post). We encourage you always to check the contestants’ archives on this site — easily found by clicking here and starting to type the person’s name into the Featured Fuggers search box, or through links within these posts themselves — and even maybe Google them before you vote (remember, eligibility is from after last year’s Oscars up through Feb. 28, a.k.a., this year’s Oscars). If you want. Maybe you just like to close your eyes and click; I don’t know your life.
Here we go…
(1) TAYLOR MOMSEN vs. (16) JESSICA SZOHR
In the battle of the Forgotten Gossip Girls, let’s start with Vanessa From Brooklyn. Sidebar: We call La Szohr that because, as part of that Sobe campaign for which she shot the nude pics, her radio spots did not say, “Hi, it’s Vanessa from Gossip Girl.” Instead, they said, “It’s Vanessa… from Brooklyn,” with nary a mention of the show’s name, which is both hilarious and very conspicuous.
Also conspicuous: her underboob.
But I guess it makes sense. The girl likes netting — as we all recall from this cracked-out shirt, and her Oscars “dress,” of course — and she likes making you look at her boobs, which we recall from this:
I ASSUME that thing stayed up all night, since we didn’t hear any scandalous Us Weekly blurbs noting Vanessa from Brooklyn turning into Vanessa from Hookerlyn, but I bet it was a close call. As much as she cherishes her lady-assets is how much I wish she would prize her hair, as it’s a hot mess here and doesn’t look much better when she top-knots it, not to mention how ratty it looks if/when Vanessa from Brooklyn makes an appearance on the CW.
But is all this enough to unseat top seed Taylor Momsen? They share a disregard for their hair and a predisposition for transparency. But to date, Szohr has yet to do this. Prepare yourselves:
Yes, that’s right. After a year that saw her wear stripper shoes with money in the platform, eyeliner applied with a Sharpie, and any number of other abominations, today I SAW HER VAGINA. Friends, I broke the law. I didn’t mean to — it took a second to realize what I was seeing. And it might have been pressed buttocks, for all I know. I didn’t stare. I just slapped the circle up over it as fast as I could to spare you all the same anguish and YOU ARE NOT EVEN EIGHTEEN, CHILD, WHY ARE YOU FLASHING YOUR XOXO ALL AROUND TOWN WITH YOUR CRAZY GARTER BELT AND YOUR TERRIBLE HAIR AND YOUR LINGERIE WHY GOD WHY.
You know how there are some Google computers coming out that are eliminating the caps lock key? I cannot own one of those, ever, and it’s because of this hellbag.
(8) EMMA WATSON vs. (9) DIANE KRUGER
This is a toughie — both women are Kissed by the Kaiser (possibly literally, in that double-cheek way), both of them take a lot of chances, and both of them succeed wildly almost as often as they fail spectacularly. This extends to casualwear as WELL as formalwear. Consider this:
It’s a deliberately (I assume) mis-buttoned cardigan, a floral dress, and PANTS. Of all the people I thought might try to drag the carcass of Dresses Over Pants back into our national consciousness, I didn’t suspect Hermione Granger. I assumed, like, Lohan, or maybe Michelle Williams.
Diane is not immune to the misuse of pants, either:
I think the trail of buttons on those loose-fit khakis is longer than my arm. They are boyfriend pants, if your boyfriend is Apu. And the less said about those jeans, the better. Although here are a few more words: puffy, dated, bloaty, blech.
But since we see them in dresses the most often, let’s take a look at some of those. Both of them wear short things that invite figure-skating comparisons — Diane’s was white, Emma’s black — and Emma’s beige ruffles were as misguided as Diane’s floaty half-halter with a tail. Stumpification? Diane, check; Emma, also check.
What’s more, they both often gravitate to a hodge-podge.
She looks like a pregnant girl who got sorted into Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, AND Slytherin, and is trying to wear her confusion.
Whereas Emma just looks like a gardening enthusiast who got kidnapped by a biker gang whose leader is a Madonna impersonator.
This is a toughie. Karl would say, “Decisions are for the bored, pet. JAB.”
(5) LINDSAY LOHAN vs. (12) KATHERINE HEIGL
Let’s start at the bottom.
Of her body, that is; I am not suggesting LiLo is the last layer of sludge in the barrel. Although this outfit might have been the last junk in her closet on laundry day, including the gorilla feet she’s wearing. Lindsay often looks like that, actually — I mean, there’s this, and this crackpot ensemble she wore to the drugstore (note: an actual pharmacy), and… well, her archive is extensive.
However, Heigl is no stranger to hobodom. Remember when I thought she was Sharon Stone? And then Sharon Gless? (Not that those ladies are hobos.) Girlfriend has just as many problems accessorizing her casualwear as LiLo does. And, to an actual real event, she once wore these:
Yep: See-through Louboutin boots. Check out how scrunched and folded-over her toes are. Remind me why ANYONE thinks that is sexy.
I am pretty sure almost nobody thought this was sexy.
Holy cats. She is the world’s frumpiest yacht maid. I might even like this old thing better, although… hmm. She also monkeyed with her head-suit so much this year that I got whiplash. Her archive will tell the story.
So who takes it: The one who has the excuse of maybe being out of her head even though she swears she is fine and we are the ones who have problems, or the one who totally does NOT have that excuse?
(4) ANGELINA JOLIE vs. (13) DREW BARRYMORE
These was plenty of Crazy Jolie at events when she was with Brad Pitt — like Gloves McMurderess, and these pants, and the angora gown, and whatever the hell she was wearing in the second half of this slideshow. But let’s look at what she wore on her own, without Captain Scarves there to distract.
Sony, on the backdrop there, is begging us to “make believe.” So, okay: I will make believe that Angelina is NOT mentally casting a spell here to liberate the inner organs of every paparazzo in attendance so that she might sup on their very lives.
And I will make believe that Angie is NOT so fresh out of uses for old trashbags, on account of her not eating any food that would leave waste to throw in them, that she’s decided to turn them into couture. Hooray! I like this game. It makes things so much more palatable.
I wish I could make believe that Drew never derived sartorial inspiration from a bag of oranges. And I’d love to pretend this never happened:
Adam Lambert must be sad that THIS is how his hair was memorialized.
And Drew is apparently sad that Emma Watson beat her to dresses over pants. Chin up, Drew. There is no winner in that race.
But there IS a winner in this one. And a loser. Existentialist dilemma: Are they one and the same?