“You know who I am tired of? THE QUEEN. She prances around so smug, ‘Oh, look at me, I have been sitting on this throne thing for a hundred years,’ and, ‘Lookit, we have CARRIAGES and BOATS,’ and, ‘Check out all my GUARDS with their FURRY HAT THINGS,’ blah blah blah> Well I TOO have a furry hat thing. And I TOO have a throne, except it is made of PEOPLE. And I have boats and I do not have a carriage right now lovers but I have had three MARRIAGES and that is pretty much the same — you just get dragged around from point A to point B and you can’t get off until you scream or it just stops. SO. I’m coming for you, Mrs. Queen. You think you have the Olympics? Well I HAVE AN OPENING CEREMONY TOO:


“Just TRY getting God’s attention to save you when He has THIS to deal with. CHECKMATE, LOVER. Besos!”

[Photos: Pacific Coast News]

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Comments (54):

  1. Artemis

    There are no words for that second photo. None. And I ALWAYS have words.

  2. Sandra

    I’d put money on Liz in a Death Match between these two. Her dudes have weapons. Not that they’d actually need them, as HM would burn holes through J-Lo’s skull with her patented Laser Glare.

    And Jennifer, please! Think of the children and PUT IT AWAY!!

  3. Eliza Bennett

    That first picture made me clap and squeal. Yay for boys in top hats and tails! Second photo? @Artemis said it best.

  4. Mahastee

    Good grief. My eyes!!

    And then there’s the guy behind her doing the Cooter Sweat workout.

  5. Leah

    J and her dancer are BOTH re-enacting the birth of her twins simultaneously.

  6. Siobhán

    Please tell me he did a forward crab walk through her legs after this shot.

    That’s better than imagining he did it backwards before this shot was taken. But both are acceptable funnies.

  7. TVGurl

    Just Eww. Plus that catsuit is totally giving off that saggy pantyhose vibe…

  8. qwertygirl

    It’s a shame she’s so modest and retiring.

  9. em

    So that’s what she looks like when she orgasms. Good to know.

  10. Piglet the Pooh

    All I can think of is the Macolm in the Middle episode where Malcolm and his mom are so bored while under quarantine that they bedazzle everything in the house, including the dog. And the final result was STILL less tacky than this.

  11. Linda

    The Jennifer Lopez 2012 Tour – Sponsored by Q Tip.

    OMG I just saw the bottom picture – is she re enacting a scene from “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” ?

  12. Heather

    Yes to all the comments above. Plus, where is she “performing”? Do people actually pay to see her in concert?

  13. ML

    I love Hola Lovers J-Lo but never for one minute will I believe that she would ever use the word “Lookit.”

    • openroses

      Nope. That would be “Mira.”

      • GFY Heather

        I think she would — we have been using “Lookit” for years with her, fully aware that it is not a word.

        • ML

          Fair enough, then. Never let it be said that Hola Lovers J-Lo has ever failed to surprise me. That’s what we love about her. Si, si… :-)

          But Heather, where’s Alexis Carrington Heather? You’re just not… well… you’re just not *you* without your sig-icon! [gasps in total shock]

  14. Danna

    OMG, I almost shrieked out loud at that second picture. Both hilarious and disturbing at the same time.

  15. Other Emily

    The second picture makes me so sad, after the first made me so happy. The furry tophat and hip-wrap thingie are superb. The sparkle crotch and O-face are flat-out disgusting. J.Lo, you are a beautiful woman. this is NOT sexy.

  16. Natalie

    well, i now know all i need to know about what casper smart does to jlo

  17. Carol

    First photo look like a a palace guard at a vogue ball (hence the QEII comments)… she doesn’t need to work this hard for attention … caramba, lovers!

  18. mhorv4

    The imagined costume design conversation: “So we’ll make a mostly transparant catsuit with sparkles radiating from her boobs and crotch with a tiny fur skirt and giant matching hat.” “Brilliant, and then as she dances, she’ll pull off the hat and skirt and the crowd will go wild!”

  19. Kate

    I just can’t even.

  20. mary lou bethune

    Judy Garland, Ella, Nina Simone, etc never had to prance around like a vulgar showgirl- why? They had talent….lots of talent! Rhianna, JLo and the sorry lot have a little but of talent and a lot of nakedness…. Can you see Joni Mitchell, Norah Jones, and the other real talents acting like this? NO YOU CANNOT>

    • Mahastee

      *standing ovation for this comment*

    • Debra

      thanks Mary Lou…my thoughts exactly..when was the last time you saw Barbra Streisand do anything other than stand there and sing…and shes been in the busines what almost 60 years??? good grief anymore!!!

  21. Schoolmarm

    Britney was the only one who could pull this off. Why Jlo is trying a DECADE later to continue this farce is beyond me.

  22. Susan

    When did JLo join the Rockettes?

  23. Cranky Old Batt

    Almost laughed my lunch right onto the keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!!

  24. Shiitake

    The Vajazzling can stop.

  25. Ale

    I just wanted to tell you – actually for a very long time – that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE your Hola Lovers-JLo posts. Please never stop doing them! (The same goes for the Karl Lagerfeld ones!)

  26. mai

    The backup dancer in photo two looks like he’s crabwalking away as quickly as he can manage. Rather like you would if you were trapped in a surreal horror show, then shocked by something hideous, fell down, and were attempting to get away from it before it sucked you in and killed you… aaaaaand I’ll leave it at that.

  27. Marie

    I never thought I’d be begging someone in my head to keep her white furry saddlebags ON.

  28. Meagan Baalman Wairama

    What is WRONG with her?!

  29. Helen

    That’s certainly a lot of ceremony around her opening, all right.

  30. The Fugger

    First photo was golden.

    Second photo was…I should have seen it coming, but MY EYES.

    Dialogue: Normally, I’d be all up on J.Lo, but YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE QUEEN.

  31. Andrea

    She seems to spend half her life wearing sparkly bodysuits and being carried everywhere by a diverse group of muscled young men. Where can I sign up?

  32. Bob Stanley

    Glue guns should require a license.

  33. Grace

    Made me roar with laughter.

  34. Ms. A.

    Thats just yucky.

  35. Debra

    I don’t get it…the first or second picture…doesn’t anyone stand there and sing anymore???

  36. katkin74

    Yes, class. Class is the word I would use here. Preceeded by “no”.

  37. Mary Urech Stallings

    I first thought that was Raquel Welch.

  38. Lily1214

    Isn’t it time for “Hola” to sit down and shut up? Hurry.