Fug and Fab the Eurovision Song Contest


Welcome to Cezar of Romania. He may change your life. In a year when Eurovision felt low on enduringly pointless theatrics (no, I’m not talking about you, Random Viking; you were a beautiful mystery), the likes of Romania and Montenegro and, for ten glorious seconds, Ukraine, stepped up and tried to keep things saucy. I know the slideshow is long, but frankly, it SHOULD be longer. In a perfect world, all twenty-six acts would have so much insanity that I’d need four pictures per country to ably cover the madness. Come on, 2014. I know you can get us there.

In the name of expedience I’ve tried to cover the most obviously noteworthy stuff here; if something slipped through the cracks, please post links in the comments, and we can discuss it while I attempt to repent.

[Photos: Getty, screengrabs]

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Comments (115):

  1.  Carolina Girl
    +3

    The Fug Nation needs to immediately start a petition to get something like this going in the US. Imagine how great it would be if, instead of muscial acts reprsenting different countries, we had musical acts representing the 50 states and all those random US territories.

    • Heather
      +11

      I wonder if it would be as fun, though. I have heard people are actually trying to organize something like that… I just sort of wish we could join Eurovision on some kind of waiver and then it would have to be televised here.

      • Gigi
        +2

        I worry about Americans bringing the crazy since political and social craziness don’t necessarily translate into costume party nuttiness. Let’s loop in the Canadians at least, and maybe the Mexicans for a real NAFTAvision! How nice would it be for us to learn about and root for each other! (“Canada has provinces, not states like the US and Mexico!” “Cool!”) I would like to go ahead and place my bets on any team headed up by a New Orleans Mardi Gras krewe member…

      • David
        +1

        NBC bought the rights to adapt the show a few years ago. Nothing ever got off the ground. I wonder if the problem is they were thinking “nobody speaks French here, let’s just do an English one with each state” instead of “why don’t we do an English-and-Spanish version with us and all the Latin American countries”? Because that would ROCK.

    • Eric Graf
      0

      Somebody actually bought the rights to do an American version several years ago, but nothing came of it. The problem is who’s going to get the entries for the states. There are no state television stations (some states have virtually no stations of their own – including New Jersey).

      Also, it’s no fun if it’s a mostly homogeneous culture doing the contest. Other than Texas, who’s going to send the soprano vampire guys?

    • Niall
      +1

      America-vision? You’re setting your sights too low. SOUTH-America-vision! Picture the Venezuelan entry
      http://niallniallorangepeel.blogspot.com.au/

    •  Vandalfan
      0

      I cringe at the thought of Idaho’s offering.

  2. Edith
    +8

    Holy Cats! I am still on slide one, having decided to watch the video of Cesar singing and… you are not kidding about it going in an unexpected direction. I may never stop giggling….

    • Dazie
      +3

      I’m at work and had to turn it off for fear of snorting and spraying iced tea on state property. ;)

  3. Goldfish
    +4

    Think how awesome it would have been if, rather than being presented with the Eurovision captions, we were told that these were shots from the last convening of the U.N. General Assembly?

    It would have given me Hope For Our Earth.

  4. Zander
    +16

    Romania’s performance is the reason I tune in, so I was horribly upset with all the attempts at meaningful ballads. If there’s not an angel dancing on a midget’s face at some point in the performance (I believe this has indeed happened, several times) then Eurovision is simply not delivering.

    Thank you, Romania, for staying true to MY vision of Europe.

    • Kara K
      +2

      I’m with you. I loved him in the semi-final and I even voted for him on Saturday. Fantastic and glorious! Operatic vampire and some dubstep! (I hear that in Romania, he went in wearing a regular suit and was just a cool, classy opera singer dude.)

  5. Aspasia
    +4

    This is the most magical time of the year! That said, Eurovision has been losing its spark lately. Has whoever runs ESC told countries to tone it down? I hope not! But I loved all the beautiful craziness of the costumes and performances.

    • Roosje
      +2

      I think countries might just not want to pay for all the gizmos, pyrotechnics etc etc
      Apparently the countries have to pay for all that if their acts want to use it, given the situation in Europe atm its understandable that they’ve had to tone it down somewhat

    • Eric Graf
      +2

      Some recent rule changes have made it harder for the joke acts to do well, so not as many get sent. Most countries have to get through a semifinal now, and half the votes are cast by pros in the music industry.

      Please note that it didn’t stop Cesar.

      That being said, this year was mighty heavy on solo-chicks-with-ballads. And there was much grousing among the faithful about it.

  6. Kara K
    +7

    The joke’s been made already but: HODOR.

    And I’m sorry about Finland’s song and performance. I really want us to be better at feminism than that. Ding Dong.

  7. Sandra
    +1

    Maybe So You Think You Can Dance could have a mutant love-child with American Idol and we could send that for our entry. We wouldn’t win our first time around, but I bet we could be Top 5.

  8. Mara
    +4

    I think the other shoe was Spain.

  9. Dazie
    +10

    I follow Simon LeBon on Twitter (DON’T JUDGE ME) and he was HYSTERICAL during all of this:

    Just tuned in I saw the vast glowing inverted ice cream cone that was Moldova.

    I had wondered what happened to my mum’s kitchen bead curtain.

    Wot if you had a remote control? Wot if… You had an ironing board #Eurovision Wot if they banned key changes?

    I suspect this won’t be the last time we see the A-line disco podium stance. #Eurovision

    etc etc. It was making me giggle.

    •  LT1
      +6

      Following Simon LeBon isn’t something to judge, that sounds like a very good thing and I’m going to go and read everything he had to say on the subject.

  10. nobody much
    +3

    oh Eurovision. I dream of going there someday and seeing it in all it’s painful over the top glory.
    And I just wanted to point out the the giant hammer came out again during Alcohol is Free. So I figure someone was hammered. (sorry, I had to say it.)

  11. Edith
    +2

    I am deeply disappointed with Belarus’s shoes. No one birthed by a disco ball would ever wear such hideous, yet profoundly boring, shoes….

  12. Mara
    +4

    Also, where is Thor in the three-piece suit? Aside from the operatic vampire on stilts, he was my favorite part!

  13. Eleanor
    +11

    No Irish drummers? Booo.

    This year the countries had to pay for their own staging, hence it being a bit lower key than usual.

  14. Cass
    +2

    Thank you, Heather. I didn’t watch for the first time in a decade, and I am almost glad because i have enjoyed this post so much. Where to start? Ah yes…. Can Nordic reenactments of CW shows be a thing? Please?

    I went to the semi-finals the year it was in Belgrade. Amazing. Go if you get the chance. It’s a beautiful thing.

  15. Andreea
    +3

    Finally you guys talk about Romania (my country) and you don’t reffer to Nadia Comaneci or Dracula :)), so thank you for that. On another note this was bad, but hey….Europe right? :D

  16. Emma
    +8

    Ok, so this is a good start but:

    1) I was hoping for something snarky about Finland’s hilarious pink and white platform shoes.

    2) Ireland and the melodramatic half naked-half leatherclad guys.

    3) SWEDEN”S halftime show. Maybe you’re saving this for its own post, which it deserves. Maybe you missed it (we were streaming it here in Prague on the internets and we didn’t get that part). Thankfully Buzzfeed alerted us to the magic. I have three words: tap dancing meatballs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1J8hiN9K4ko

    • Janie
      +3

      Thanks for the Sweden link. Wow…. Seriously, NBC? What else have you got going on that you couldn’t show this with some snarky commentator?

    • Roosje
      +4

      Please cover Sweden’s half time show and the presenters various outfits. That was the most eurovisiony part of this year’s eurovision

      • missespresso
        +1

        Oh yes! The presenters that present the votes of their countries are half the fun in Eurovision. Their clothes, their jokes, their faces, it’s all so bad that it’s great!

    • Rich
      +2

      Seriously, you NEED to see the amazing halftime show by Sweden (and the Irish drummers).

    • Reg
      0

      I wish this was a musical – “Sweden!” is now on Broadway!

      • Eric Graf
        +1

        Believe it or not, that’s EXACTLY where Riverdance came from.

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mC0rWgUqTc

      • Marie
        +1

        I’m Swedish (I actually live in Malmö, where Eurovision was. Couldn’t get tickets, but seriously, the whole town was a GLORIOUS party), and when that halftime show came on I was cheering my lungs out. We don’t say words like patriotism here (the European history of nationalism is… off-putting), but DAMN if I didn’t come close in those few minutes. Petra Mede is a delight.

        • Saoirse
          +1

          It was great fun, although called poor Linda Martina drag queen – and she was there in the arena in Malmo that night!

    • EmilyAP
      0

      This was magical. I’ve watched it twice and “glee” doesn’t cover my reaction!

  17. MegaeraThe3rdFury
    +26

    Holy crap–I’m only on 37 and I have to stop so I can calm down. I HEARD TELL OF YOUR PARSLEY…. I will be saying that all day. God, I love you so much Fug Girls.

  18. MegaeraThe3rdFury
    +16

    “Like if your psyche was trapped under the sneeze guard at a Sizzler buffet.” YOU ARE GOING TO GET ME FIRED

  19. Other Emily
    +1

    Oh, I’m going to make my Albanian neighbors watch Albania’s performance with me. That’s going to be a lot of fun. For me — I don’t know that they’ll like my mocking, but by now I think they should be used to it. Romania made my day. I wish we Americans were this funny.

  20. Kate Worships You
    +14

    Oh. My. God. You crazy girls are on fire with this post!!! Absolutely in rare form. I have not snorted and chuckled like this in a long time. Kudos Girls. Kudos. WHERE’S MY VIKING???

  21. Martha
    +10

    All you need to know about Macedonia’s entry is that Esma apparently said in an interview (or some such) that she thought the song was absolutely crap, and that they should withdraw. That is my kind of woman.

  22. MKKS
    +12

    There is a rumor, and I do not know if it is a true rumor but I hope it is the truest true rumor ever, that the Winning Waif went barefoot because Bonnie Tyler stole her shoes.

  23. AmandaD
    0

    Although Belarus needs to look into pants, the backup dancers need to know that Bieber diaper pants are never the solution.

  24. Janie
    +13

    Laughed so hard… I think I look forward to this post as much as Fug Madness. Slow clap, Heather. That was amazing. I am now going to spend the rest of the day cross-stitching “When a viking is made pointless, we all get hammered in different ways” on a decorative pillow.

  25. Karen G
    +3

    Heather, you should be one of the directors of this thing. Your ideas could really push it up & over a notch!

  26. Lynne
    +8

    I honestly love this annual recap almost as much as I love Fug Madness. Cezar of Romania is life affirming. Do they give a prize for Best Unexpected Turn? Because they should invent one just for that guy.

  27. Jilly
    +4

    Albania is freaking me out. It’s like Constantine Maroulis, Sanjaya and Scott Savol from American Idol all got transported back from 15 years in the future so they can sing for Albania. And I have to wonder, is that the best use of time travel technology?

  28. Helen
    +6

    Cezar has got to be the secret love child of Liberace and Diamanda Galás. There is no other explanation.

  29. Michelle
    +6

    Umm, did no-one else notice that Azerbaijan’s random crotch flasher lady had blood-soaked spine as a back ornament? Tres chic, dahlinks.
    God, I love Eurovision.
    http://resources2.news.com.au/images/2013/05/21/1226644/210834-sweden-eurovision.jpg

  30. Ruth
    +6

    Cascada Unterwald made me laugh so hard I cried.

  31. 2Trillian
    +4

    The giant guy from Ukraine is also “Obama’s biggest supporter”
    http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/igorVovkovinskiy%282%29.jpg

  32. 2Trillian
    +2

    Another good tweet about Belarus’ dress: “I can see her Belarus” :-)

  33. azqueenie
    +9

    I admire how invested you were in continued employment for the giant viking.

  34.  Helen
    +2

    Albania’s Adrian Lulgjuraj may have Not Hugh Grant hair, but he’s got a great set of pipes, I’ll grant him that.

    And I loved their and/or The Fug Girls’ homage to Dethklok. That was very funny!

  35. Tessa
    +2

    SnortLOL! :D I haven’t watched EuroCrazy in ages, but your insanely funny recap made me giggle like mad. And now I want my own viking…

  36. Ani Td
    +2

    So Cesar is actually a countertenor. However, having heard other counter tenors in life, he DOES sound a little too high and auto-tuned. In other news, Russia placed 5th, and now is asking for an investigation into vote-rigging because they are supposedly MISSING 10 points from Azerbaidjan. Olympic skating scandals, anyone?

    • Eric Graf
      +5

      Autotuning is verboten at the ESC (as was painfully obvious from Spain’s performance), and all vocals must be performed by one of the six-or-fewer people on stage. Although it does not necessarily need to be the person purporting to be the lead singer.

      In Cesar’s case, yes, that was him, live, with no electronic help other than the usual amplification.

      He is, BTW, an honest-to-gosh serious legitimate opera singer. He just camped it up for the contest.

      •  Helen
        +4

        Oh his training is fabulous. He has total control of his instrument. I’d have thought anyone could hear that.

        And he camps it up like nobody’s business! I kinda want to see him duet with Adam Lambert.

        • Chris P
          +3

          oh my god.

          That’s…actually, kind of embarrassing for the girls. The highest notes hit in the contest were BY A DUDE. (An insanely trained dude, but a dude nonetheless.)

    • David
      +4

      Re the voting scandals – Azerbaijan’s also been busted trying to rig the phone vote in Lithuania. The story’s turning out to be basically as gossiptastic as whenever GFY does European Royalty Storytime.

  37. Eric Graf
    +7

    Regarding Cyprus … Their banking system collapsed just a few weeks after it was too late to withdraw from the Contest, so they had NO money with which to stage their act. So she just stood there, on an empty stage, in a reasonable dress, and sang pretty.

    There is now an honest-to-God international crisis brewing over the fact that Russia gave Azerbaijan 12 points, and Azerbaijan didn’t give Russia any. Russia is ticked. Now the Azeri foreign minister is claiming that they actually had Russia in second (behind Zlata and her giant), and that someone at the EBU must have altered their submitted scores to make them look bad.

    Both countries (and we’re talking actual high-ranking government officials here) are screaming for an investigation. The EBU, to their credit, has told them both to, in effect, go pound Caspian Sea sand.

    Those 10 points, BTW, even if they did exist, would have had no effect on the final rankings.

    The most likely explanation is that Russia got marked down by the Azeri music jurors, who hopefully have made it safely across the border by now. No, I’m quite serious about that.

    • Chris P
      +2

      There is now an honest-to-God international crisis brewing over the fact that Russia gave Azerbaijan 12 points, and Azerbaijan didn’t give Russia any.

      …oh my God.

      I JUST got a chance to properly read the comments (my job actually blocked everyone’s internet). This might be the best thing ever.

      …well, not that there’s an international crisis, obvs, but that it’s over – of all things – Eurovision.

      Honestly, though, it seems like Russia’s act this year was more of a jury act than an audience act. I think I ranked her around 10th in semis, and I’m not surprised that other people were not that generous (semis 2 was far more hardcore than semis 1). That said, objectively the Azeri dude (rather, his male backup dancer) deserved all the 12′s, and Dina from Russia…deserved a 5 at best. (I’m sorry, you go from Babushkas to THIS?!)

  38. Igranku
    0

    Yeahh love gofugyourself’s coverage of Eurovison, I’m a big fan of gfy Eurovision, so what’s not to love… I am Danish but I think the best acts were Hungary, Netherlands (Anouk – amazing!), Greece, Norway and Montenegro – yes the astronauts sucked but the female singer Nina – I love her!! BEP should remove Fergie and replace Nina instead – it would be tooo awesome! btw Romania…bloody H”l!

  39. JuuliaGoolia
    +1

    Armenia put up a band solely in double denim! With John Goodman on the keyboard! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U82J9QEBAhE
    Also, this post = highlight of my day :D

  40. Leigh
    +3

    …You missed the dancing meatballs.

  41. Chris P
    +1

    I should note – if I’m correct, dude playing piano for Moldova in a fringe-backed shirt is actually…their entry from last year. Girl on the stage in the F YOU CARRIE UNDERWOOD dress was one of his backup singers last year, and he actually wrote the song for her.

    Also, dudes – she was THIRTEEN feet tall. (The dress was 4 meters long, according to her.) Ukraine’s viking suddenly feels insanely inadequate.

    Really, though, finals was totally a showdown between Moldova and Romania for me. I love camp, so sue me.

    • Eric Graf
      0

      You are correct, and piano dude also wrote the song for her.

      Here’s last year’s performance (and a damn catchy song I might add). This year’s contestant is the “designated singer” (i.e. not doing the crazier choreography) with the big red hair on the far right:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIy0EtEeLEw

  42. Ruth
    +3

    You neglected to mention Malta’s performance was full of WHIMSY! Ukulele! Hat knocked off! Different fonts with every word like a ransom note! (It was actually super cute.)

    • Saoirse
      0

      Definitely brought the whimsy. I think he was singing about his very own Maltese MPDG. Should turn up on a Zooey Deschanel film soundtrack soon.

  43. jean
    0

    Heather you brought me such joy on long dull day. Thank you thank you thank you!

  44. David
    +1

    Malta was also super-grimacey, like he knew his song was a turd and was trying to get rid of it as soon as he could. It was quite hilarious.

    You know who I would have loved to have seen your take on? Tits-ahoy librarian Dawn French from Israel.

    • Eric Graf
      +2

      Definitely the 2nd fuggest outfit in the contest behind Serbia, and a tragic omission from this gallery.

      This is, apparently, fairly typical of her signature look, but nobody outside Israel knew that, so the first impression was kind of “OMG do they have mirrors in Israel?”

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjbcD72OaI4

  45.  Teresa
    +2

    Oh, FUG Girls, a Clue reference in the midst of all this brilliance. I love you so…

  46. esther p.
    0

    i’d like to party with Esma. that seems like it would be good, Hangover-type shenanigans. :)

  47. katiemelb
    +4

    Thank you so much, Heather. Your Eurovision wrap-up is one of the highlights of the GFY year for me. Not sure if you know this, but Eurovision is massively popular here in Australia. We have a delayed telecast of the final (as well as both semi-finals) and Twitter goes mad for it. During the telecast on Sunday night I think 8 out of 10 trending topics were Eurovision-related – and even today, three days later, the basic tag is still trending! Something to do with so many Aussies having European heritage, combined with our love of mocking things (aka taking the piss).

  48. ellie
    +1

    The Albanian guitar player looks like Gary Oldman in a wig.

  49. Bart
    +3

    This song came in second at the national Estonian contest where Eurovison entries are chosen by the public. Too bad it lost over a generic meaningfull balad, because IT’S AMAZING: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dllo85ZSUk&feature=player_embedded

  50. g
    +1

    The reason they didn’t go as crazy as usual this year, is the financial crisis – a lot of countries simply couldn’t afford it. Three countries didn’t participate at all because of the costs. I actually think it’s a good thing the countries toned it down a little this year – there really are more important means of spending money.

  51. Sajorina
    +2

    This is RIDICULOUS… I love it!

  52. PumaKitty
    +1

    In a rare moment of patriotism, I will say I am super proud of our (Hungary’s) entry. He placed the highest of any Hungarian entry ever and the song is simple, sweet and lovely. No crazy staging needed to get the point across he’s singing about his “sweetheart” (Kedvesem).

    • Eric Graf
      +2

      It’s in my permanent iTunes playlist as well. Congrats from the USA!

    • Saoirse
      +3

      It was a nice gentle song.

      I did see it rather hilariously described in a YouTube comment as “Hungary Hungary Hipsters!”!

    • Sole
      +1

      True Kedvesem is an amazing song and the singer is just super cool – I dont understand a word of Hungarian but me love the song though!

  53. Kate
    +1

    You forgot my country, Estonia! The tent dress! (although, to be fair, we were all a bit disappointed with the selection. In the preliminaries, there was a band of guys hanging upside down from the ceiling in wrestling masks, playing their instruments. Called Winny Puhh (as in Vinnie the Pooh)). You should check it out. I think the performance is on Youtube.

  54. tekla
    0

    Why do you associate Vikings with so many European countries? There were no Vikings in Moldavia, Ukraine or Denmark or Serbia OR Lithuania… Maybe I’m just being uptight, but if its a joke that’s not the funniest one :] Helmet with horns does not equal Viking :] Maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t mention Poland then, because WHAT IF you squeezed in something about Vikings as well?

  55. Hannah
    0

    You missed the Icelandic viking god. He didn’t do much but his hair was so fabulous he didn’t need too http://www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-previews/eurovision-2013-preview-iceland-entry-1866172
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzE88IYzXLI

  56. Bambi Anne Dear
    0

    The giant who was in the Ukrainian act was actually the tallest man in the US.

    Azerbaijani boy was so gorgeous as was the Belarussian girl. And Ireland who came last were smokin’ cute with topless muscle dancers and drummer.

  57. M
    0

    oh noes, you missed The Viking!! From Iceland! This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzE88IYzXLI