Remember when we all got to write songs for drunk shopper Mariah Carey, and the prize was this amazing Audrey Hepburn book?:
It is time to vote!
(To the tune of Emotions…)
Woo, Oh, Oh, Oh, hey hey
I’m gonna smell some lotions
Maybe I will find a nice tub
Ooh, Ohh, Ho, I’m gonna buy fancy po-o-tions
And all over me Nick will rub
I’m walking, On some ice
Do not care, ’bout the price
Shopping spree, Aspen nights,
Table cloth dress, corset tight
I’d like some cream
Do you sell a jasmine o-o-o-o-ne
It should have shea butter
‘Cuz I like the feel on my outSIIIIIDE!!!
(To the tune of “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria” from The Sound of Music)
How do you solve a problem like Mariah?
Why would she wear a cumberbund to town?
Or is it a corset, or part of a tire-ah?
Regardless, the tablecloth dress gives me a frown.
… [editied for brevity, to get to the grande finale]…
Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria-ah?
Why is this lovely gal dressed like a clown?
(To the tune of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”)
I don’t want to match this Christmas
There is just one dress I need
Don’t care about this fug belt
Underneath my boobs so free
I just want a picnic spread
Over me up to my head
Make my year complete
Cover me with your hot lunch meat
Tablecloths, they just scream “Christmas!”
And I’ve got a scarf to match
Spread me underneath a tree
Eat off me, and there’s no catch
You don’t need to hang a stocking
You don’t need to put up lights
Gonna wear my picnic blanket
Every day until Twelfth Night
I just want the ants to know
They’re welcome ‘though it’s winter now
Santa Claus, come get your cookies
Sitting on my epic prow
Nick, go get the basket please
Stack it high with wine and cheese
Put your food on me
I’m a picnic blanket, baby