Freaky Fug Friday, Mariah Carey


freaky-fug-friday

Mariah Carey is a national treasure. Behold her, in Aspen, doing some “late-night Christmas shopping, with champagne” per our photo source:

Also please note that she appears to be singing. I like to believe that Mimi sing-narrates everything she does. You know: “Do youuuuuuuuuu have this in a sizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze SIX? Gingham is my jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAmmmmmm.” Etc. I feel like this is actually kind of a believable theory, you guys.

THE TASK: Please compose the BRIEF song that Mariah is singing in this photo.

THE RULES: All entries must be posted in the comments of this post by 9 p.m. Pacific time on MONDAY.

THE PRIZE: This is a really good one. We have one copy of Audrey: The 60s by David Wills, a TREMENDOUSLY beautiful coffee table book devoted to Audrey Hepburn in, you guessed it, the 1960s. Per Amazon: “Among the highlights: Rare and classic images digitally restored from their original negatives and transparencies; never-before-seen publicity photos and candids from the sets of Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Charade, My Fair Lady, How to Steal a Million, and Two for the Road; unpublished outtakes and rarely seen images from Vogue fashion sessions, some not published since their original appearance; previously unpublished photos by Bert Stern, Cecil Beaton, Douglas Kirkland, William Klein, Howell Conant, Bob Willoughby, Pierluigi Pratulon, and many others.” It is a huge, glossy hardcover and the winner is going to LOVE IT.

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Comments (110):

  1. Kerry
    0

    Sung to the tune of both choruses of Mariah’s “Fantasy”:

    This dress is just a sweet sweet fantasy baaabaaay, when I close my eyes I pretend it’s not uggllay!

    I’m in heaven, when I’m shopping, in my gingham. There’s no one around so I wore jams, there for bedtime but I’m not sleeping!

    :)

  2. Kerry
    0

    By the way, I NEVER respond to these, but Audrey is my absolutely favorite and I named my daughter after her. So, great giveaway! And it doesn’t hurt that I kinda love Mariah too. But that dress…oh my.

    • Vandalfan
      0

      (Audrey is such a pretty name!)

      I am thankful know no Mariah Carey songs to rework.

  3. Meredith
    0

    The hills are alive with the sound of Mimi
    And plaids that I know will destroy your eyes!
    Your ears will be blessed with the sound of Mimi
    And I’ll shop once more!

  4. Crystal
    0

    Ooooooooooohhhwooaaaaahhwooaaaaaaaaahhh

    TaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAke me back to
    the 90s when my hair was natural
    and pretty. Not convinced?
    How about I puuuuuuut ooooooooooonnnn
    this blessed 90s picnic table cloth
    and belt from the late 80s that
    doubles as a castle doooooooooooor.

    Knock, knock, Emotions.

  5. Sarah
    0

    sung to taylor swifts we are never ever getting back together

    i remember when i put this napkin on
    saying, this is it! ive transformed my tablecloth cause like
    i haven’t been out in a month
    the paps said they needed space (WHAT?)
    then the fug girls came around again and said
    mimi we miss your fugly outfits and thats one ugly kinky looking belt
    you and this dress should never ever ever get back together
    like ever

  6. Pazzy
    0

    I shimmy
    I shake
    This guy wants me to take a break
    But I just can’t stop
    Singing
    And shopping
    In gingham
    it’s my life!

    You have to imagine her elongating the words into a Mariah-esque arrangement, picture her moving that scarf to and fro, add glitter and sparkles and voila! A song!

  7. Jo
    0

    Sung to: ‘Without You’ (best version by original Welsh band, Bad Finger btw)

    Oh I can’t forget this evening and your side-eye
    At what I was wearing
    But I guess that’s how this patchwork story goes
    You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
    Yes at my fugly clothes…clooooooothes…

    No I can’t wear the weightlifter belt tomorrow
    Even when I think of all your sorrow
    When I had that prada number but then I let it go
    And now it’s only fair that I should let you know
    My fugliness can only grow- oooooh you should knooooow (drums)

    I can’t live -my tablecloth tabard
    If living is without you
    I can’t live
    If checks aren’t manufactured full length -woo-hooooo
    I can’t live without my weird cardi guitar combi strap
    I can’t live without the helping hand of a beleathered hunky chap…
    Ohhhhhh I can’t liiiiive (whispers: Patchwork story)

    Fin

    • Kim Baker Vidas Davey-Irvin
      0

      the song was originally (and written) by harry nilsson.

      • Bambi Anne Dear
        0

        Thank Christmas someone is referring to the original singer of this song, a gem from my early teens. I hate it when a song is announced as being sung by the most recent rehasher.

  8. Yoka
    0

    I belted my plaid
    With a belt bigger than my head
    Because I don’t care
    I have curly hair
    I just belted that
    See what I did there?

  9. Jo
    0

    An error message on mine so not sure if it’s got through. Here it is again in case:
    Sung to ‘Without You’:

    Oh I can’t forget this evening
    Or your side-eye as I was leaving
    But I guess that’s how this patchwork story goes
    You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
    At my fugly cloooothes,cloooothes

    No i can’t wear the weightlifter belt tomorrow
    Even when Ii think of all your sorrow
    When I had that prada number
    But then I let it go
    And now it’s only fair that you should know
    My fugliness can only groooow- ow-owwww (drums)

    I can’t live- my tablecloth tabard- if living is without you
    I can’t live if checks aren’t manufactured full length- oh nooo-whoo-hoo!
    I can’t live without my weird combi cardi guitar strap
    I can’t live without the helping hand of a beleathered hunky chap
    Oh I can’t liiiive (whispers: Patchwork story)

    Fin

  10. Brooke M
    0

    Sung to the tune of Emotions…

    Mmmm, Mmmmm
    Yeah
    Woo, Oh, Oh, Oh, hey hey

    I’m gonna smell some lotions
    Maybe I will find a nice tub
    Ooh, Ohh, Ho, I’m gonna buy fancy po-o-tions
    And all over me Nick will rub

    I’m walking, On some ice
    Do not care, ’bout the price
    Shopping spree, Aspen nights,
    Table cloth dress, corset tight
    I’d like some cream
    Do you sell a jasmine o-o-o-o-ne
    It should have shea butter
    ‘Cuz I like the feel on my outSIIIIIDE!!!

    In the course of writing this, I discovered it’s really hard to capture the essence of the way Mariah sings in written form.
    Rock on, Mimi!

  11. jensa
    0

    I had a Vision of Fug
    And it was gingham plaid belted muu muu

    I had Vision of Fugggggggggggggggggggggg
    And it was Ginnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Oooooooooooooooooooooooo Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Oooo oooo oooooo ooooooo oooo ooooo whoooooooo whooooooo whoooooooooooooo (take that Minaj!)
    ….. ham plaid belted muuuuuuuuuuuuu muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…….

  12. amy
    0

    Had some champagne and I’m feeling fine
    Gotta get back to dem babies of mine.
    Got my bodyguard near me; he’s holding my arm
    I pay folks to see that I come to no harm.

    Dressed like a lumberjack
    Wearin’ my white and black
    My life nearly never has me
    Singin’ the blues.

  13. Ratzo
    0

    *sung to the opening of In A Big Country, by Big Country:

    I’ve never seen you look like this without a reason,
    another undulating big plaid season weaves before your eyes
    This dress moves standing still, wiping the smile from my face
    And I desparately fantasize I’m someone who is still a child.

    And in a big country my dream is I’m Mariah Carey and not you
    I sing so high, your dogs will cry. Butterfly.
    Stay alive..
    Butterfly.

    • AMS
      0

      Mad props, Ratzo. Awesome.

    • Jennifer
      0

      Even though you have just planted an earworm I know will haunt me for the rest of the weekend, that was just madd genius. ::: slow clap :::

  14. Garbo
    0

    Dolly Parton gave this dress to me
    I paired it with my belt from Muhammad Ali
    When I get home gonna shake it off
    And use it as a tablecloth.

    Everybody just, everybody just bounce bounce

  15. Scouse Helen
    0

    Nice work ladies. I’m particularly pleased that so many of you have, like me, noticed that Mariah is clad in a tablecloth. I’m no good at making up lyrics but ‘Turning tables’ by Adele and ‘Empty chairs at empty tables’ from Les Miserables were certainly playing in my head as I looked at the picture.

    On the plus side, it’s made me warm to her a bit. Who hasn’t been photographed whilst trolleyed?

  16. RJ
    0

    In the maaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll
    I girdle my ribs for the chore
    In the maaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll
    Ain’t you lucky that I’m never a bore?

    Rocking this Saturday mall-hopping thriller
    Browsing for discounts even though it’s a chiller
    With my sparkling neck bandy –
    My embarrassed-looking arm candy –
    Love you gingham pillar, baby,
    Love your gingham…pillllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr

  17. Andrew S.
    0

    ♪♫Wearing this much fabric is quite confusing to me
    How exactly are my breasts & legs supposed to breathe? ♫♪

  18. Eirwen
    0

    Sung to: (gangham) Gingham Style

    I’m a girl who is warm and Humanly during the dayyyyy
    A classy girl who wears plaid and loves some cafe-yyy,
    A girl whose heart is kept warm with a wrestling belt
    A girl with a kind of twist, who looks damn svelte-
    Mimi is doing it gingham style
    Mimi is doing it gingham style
    Gingham style… Styyyyyyle

    I’m a girl with too many curls- but there’s no shame
    Cos Polyanna is my middle name
    I’ll put my hair up when the right time comes
    But for now me and my homey will wag our thumbs

    Cos I’m doing it gingham style
    Tablecloth toots, it’s gingham style
    A girl who covers herself is More sexy rhan a girl who bares it all
    Hey PSY give Mimi a call!

    You know what I’m saying- Mimi is Gingham styyyyyleeee!

    • kickassmomnyc
      0

      Love it! I think you win.

      • Willa W
        0

        Imagine the dace moves that goes with Gingham Style!! I’m thinking some sort of line dance – maybe a quick do-se-do (no idea if that’s misspelled…)

  19. Emilie Finch Pacheco
    0

    To “All I Want for Christmas Is You”

    I wont walk a lot this Christmas
    Its just more champaign I need
    And I just don’t care if this dress is
    looking very table cloth-y
    I just want to dance alone
    more than body guards ever know
    make my wish come true
    baby all I want for Christmas is to be the fug madness champion!

  20. LibraryChick
    0

    I really can’t top Ratzo, but if someone also wrote songs inspired by Dreamlover (the last time I remember seeing Ms. Carey in gingham) or All I Want for Christmas Is You, I would still enjoy the hilarity.

    • LibraryChick
      0

      I should make more wishes on this page and watch the others of Fug Nation magically make them true. Many thanks to Emilie Finch Pacheco.

  21. Moe
    0

    Hey, Fug Girls, I’m not participating but thought you’d enjoy a little peek of what Mariah would sound like if she sang her thoughts! This happened very recently in Australia… say what you will about her fashion choices, there’s no other diva I’d rather drink with! (Assuming, of course, Cher is too busy tweeting the latest political cover-up.)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXy6XMvIX7g

    • Regina
      0

      That made my Saturday morning. I would love to hang out with her. I think she’s probably the best girlfriend. She’d give you wacky fashion tips and talk smack on Nicki Majai all in the same breath.

  22. Ratzo
    0

    I can’t believe I haven’t seen Rep. Rosa DeLauro, D-CT grace the pages of this site. The outfit she’s wearing in the photo linked below deserves a special award from Go Fug Yourself. No really, she and it does.
    http://tinyurl.com/alyqyl3

    • Art Eclectic
      0

      If the skirt were longer and the jacket nipped in more at the waist, that would actually be kinda cool.

    • AMS
      0

      Also, re Rep. DeLauro: WOW. We’re artsy up here in the Quiet Corner (northeastern CT), but even we know not to wear our prairie boots to Washington.

    • lilacsigil
      0

      I’m sorry, but that is how I want to dress when I’m 65 and retired. That is effing awesome. I wish I was American so I could vote for her.

  23. Art Eclectic
    0

    I have no song but that belt is certainly hanging on for dear life.

  24. Sophie Murray
    0

    No contest entry – I just wanted to say that the way that she’s clenching her hand right in front of that lamposty-thing made me think that she was carrying a rifle.

  25. Mich
    0

    “Rise up rise up)
    Oh rise and show your power
    (Rise up rise up)
    Were dancing into the sun
    (Rise up rise up)
    It’s time for celebration
    (Rise up rise up)
    Mimi’s time has come”

  26. Kristin
    0

    “My cups
    Runneth over
    With LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEE”
    (With apologies to Ed Ames)

  27. Caroline
    0

    walkin’ Gingham style
    gingham style
    walk walk walk gingham style

    A rum, two rum
    champagne, just some
    drink it up drink it drink it up yum
    walk walk walk down the street just for fun

    ooohhh I’m a sexy lady
    walk walk walk walkin’ gingham style

  28. Aunt patsy
    0

    Gingham Moment (to the tune of Hero)

    There’s a moment
    When you wear a gingham dress
    And a bottle of champagne
    Is insiiiiiiiiiiiide

    And then two twins come along
    And you burst into song
    Hitting notes that shatter glass
    Though your career is in the past

    So when your marriage is bizarre
    You’re a Home Shopping Network star
    You will finally see the truth
    That the moment lies in you

  29. Emmy
    0

    To the tune of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”.

    I don’t want a lot for Christmas—
    Believe me when I say it’s true.
    (And I) I don’t care about the big belt
    That’s squeezing my insides in two.

    Chorus:
    Laura’s who I want to be—
    (Yeah) Ingalls Wilder of the prairie.
    Almanzo, you’re my fling—
    Baby, it’s Christmas so let’s sing!

    I don’t want a lot for Christmas–
    Believe when I say it’s true.
    (And I) I don’t care about the big belt
    That’s squeezing my insides in two.

    I don’t want to drink the water—
    Sober’s not what I need to be.
    If not for this bottle of Champagne,
    Could I dress so tackily?

    Chorus:
    Laura’s who I want to be—
    (Yeah) Ingalls Wilder of the prairie.
    Almanzo, you’re my fling—
    Baby, it’s Christmas so let’s sing!

    Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas—
    I won’t even wish for snow.
    I don’t want that big old blizzard
    To keep Pa late and make him cold!*

    I won’t make a list a send it
    To the North Pole for Saint Nick.
    All my Christmas dreams were crushed
    Because Nellie Olsen is such a dick!

    I just want to throw a pig’s bladder**
    And to hear the big sleigh’s clatter—
    Almanzo, you’re my fling—
    Baby, it’s Christmas so let’s sing!
    Sing, baby.

    Oh, all the lights are shining
    So brightly everywhere.
    All this late-night shopping—
    Is giving me dramatic flair.

    And everyone is singing—
    I hear those sleigh bells ringing—
    Nick, why is it that you cannot see
    Almanzo is the man for me?

    Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas—
    This is all I’m asking for:
    I just wish my sister Mary’s
    Light blue eyes could see once more.

    Chorus
    Oh, Laura’s who I want to be—
    (Yeah) Ingalls Wilder of the prairie.
    Almanzo, you’re my fling—
    Baby, it’s Christmas so let’s
    Sing, baby!***

    *(Reference: Little House In The Big Woods, Little House on the Prairie, On The Banks of Plum Creek, The Long Winter, etc.)
    ** (Reference: Little House In The Big Woods)
    ***(Sing is stretched out to, like, three thousand syllables.)

  30. WanderingAngela
    0

    (to the tune, obviously, of “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria” from The Sound of Music)

    How do you solve a problem like Mariah?
    Why would she wear a cumberbund to town?
    Or is it a corset, or part of a tire-ah?
    Regardless, the tablecloth dress gives me a frown.
    … [editied for brevity, to get to the grande finale]…
    Oh how do you solve a problem like Maria-ah?
    Why is this lovely gal dressed like a clown?

  31. casey
    0

    “Always be your Mimi”

    1991, babe
    I return to that time
    With my tight spiral perm
    The 90′s will always be mine

    My dress wants to be free
    Pull my black scarf aside
    And I know in my heart babe
    Gingham will never die, no

    My belt’s half the size of me
    And my shrug is from 2003
    Don’t even try to understand me
    Ooh darling, ’cause I’ll always be your Mimi

  32. casey
    0

    I should mention that is to the tune of “Always be my baby”, if that wasn’t already painfully obvious…

  33. Claire1
    0

    Every night it seems…
    I see it…I feel it…
    this thing is a sarong…

    far across the street
    the racks in between us…
    you beautiful sarong…

    near….far….snuggled in my car…
    I am wrapped in my sarong
    Once More….a stranger opens a door…
    and I feel that he wants my sarong….

  34. Melissa
    0

    To the tune of one of her greatest hits, Shake it Off

    I’m trynna take it off
    Cause this weird old cardigan isn’t hiding anything
    I’m gonna dump it in a bin.

    Oh I Gotta take it off
    Gotta do what’s best for me
    Baby and that means I gotta take it off

  35. Niao
    0

    I wear table cover-ings
    is that so hard to believe
    with a cinch belt
    can’t you see
    they belong together
    I look
    like I’ve been drink-ing
    Boones Farm and some He-ness-sy
    is that so hard to believe
    they belong together
    bay baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

  36. Niao
    0

    to “We belong together”

  37. Cecily
    0

    The card’s coming off
    (Christmas)
    My guard’s seen it all
    (Christmas)
    I’m shopping in town
    (Christmas)
    Baby, please, where’s home?
    (Christmas)
    A tire jack around
    (Christmas)
    My shakra of song
    (Christmas)
    It’s nothing, Nick’s just calm
    (Christmas)
    Baby, please, where’s home?

  38. ccm800
    0

    Sung to the tune of Hero:

    Whoooohoooohooooo….
    Got some big plaid
    Flowing down below my breasts
    Buffalo check makes me glad
    Snuggies is the best!
    My belts a truss
    Had some twins that ruined me
    I cinch it tight as it can be
    I’ll be okaaaaaaay Yay!!!!!!

    And that Minaj is full of crap
    Big ol’ butt and bigger yap!
    She’s gonna shoot me so she say
    Making me look less cray-cray!
    But got my spiral perm and bubbles
    And this man holding me from trouble
    Got that idol and a new year
    So that Bitch can kiss MY rear

  39. ANNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAA
    0

    I don’t want to match this Christmas
    There is just one dress I need
    Don’t care about this fug belt
    Underneath my boobs so free

    I just want a picnic spread
    Over me up to my head
    Make my year complete
    Cover me with your hot lunch meat

    *ohhh-ohhh-oh*
    *kicky riff!*

    Tablecloths, they just scream “Christmas!”
    And I’ve got a scarf to match
    Spread me underneath a tree
    Eat off me, and there’s no catch

    You don’t need to hang a stocking
    You don’t need to put up lights
    Gonna wear my picnic blanket
    Every day until Twelfth Night

    I just want the ants to know
    They’re welcome ‘though it’s winter now
    Santa Claus, come get your cookies
    Sitting on my epic prow

    Nick, go get the basket please
    Stack it high with wine and cheese
    Put your food on me
    I’m a picnic blanket, baby

  40. http://internet-sales-machine-review.com/internet-sales-machine-download
    0

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  41. KatyB
    0

    One Sweet Day

    Sorry, I never told you I’m in Aspen being fug
    And now I’ve been caught here on camera
    Drunk shopping in a shrug (in a shruuuuuuuuuuug)
    And I know eventually we’ll be together
    One sweet daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
    You’ll eat a picnic off of my body.

  42. Leigh
    0

    To the tune of Always Be My Baby

    do do doop
    do do doop do doop da dum

    Plaid was once baaaaabe
    Something in styyyyyle
    And it seemed flatteringgggg
    On a body this fiiiiine

    Now belts come for freeee
    ‘Cause I’m diva alriiiiiight
    Did you see me in glitter?
    Cause I know in my heart babe, that movie will never diiiiiiiiie

    Old fads will always be a part of me
    Though I’m sure Nick feels differentlyyyyy
    Boy don’t you know the 90s cant escape me
    Oh darling cause I’ll always be FUG MIMI!

  43. Clarence Beeks
    0

    “You’ll always be a part of me…I’m part of you indefinitely
    Oh dress you know you can’t escape me
    If I can’t wear you then I’ll put you on the table”

  44. TonyG
    0

    (Sung, to no one in particular, and in a drunken manner, to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club “Goodbye” song)

    Now it’s time [hiccup]
    To Say goodbye
    To that Mouse with an “L”
    Nicki.

    N – I – (shhhh)Ceeeeeeeeeee
    She’s a goon gone loon!

    K – (hiccup) – Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
    Aye, yie, yie!
    She slipped me a mickey!

    That L – O – U – S – Eeeeeeeeeeee

  45. Betsie
    0

    (Using many Mimi song titles……)

    It’s one sweet day,
    When I close my eyes
    and I’m Gingham Mimi Butterfly
    In the widest belt that I can fiiiiiind.

    I was a vision of plaid
    But If I can’t make it happen,
    It’s just a sweet sweet fantasy, BABY

    When I close my eyes, I almost slip & take a fall
    I’m just a dreamfugger
    But I still believe:
    All I want for Christmas is better booooots.

  46. Aline
    0

    And then a gingham dress comes along
    In a plaid that feels really wrong.

    But you cast your fears aside
    and decide to go outside

    So when you feel like your waistline is gone…
    Put this girdle on, it’s real stro-ong!

    And you’ll finally see the truth,
    That a diva lies in yooo-ou.

  47. Natalie DeJohn
    0

    I don’t know this picture made me think of “My Favorite Things,” but here you have it:

    Raindrops on roses and long gingham dresses
    Big sparkly earrings and blond curly tresses
    Bound by a giant belt, she softly sings:
    These are a few of my favorite things

    When the belt’s tight
    When the scarf blings
    When I’m feeling sad
    I simply remove only one of my shoes
    And then I don’t feel so bad!

    • Natalie DeJohn
      0

      Sorry for the typo. I meant I don’t know “why” this picture made me think of the song. Left out the “why.”

  48. d gable
    0

    I enjoooooy hoisting the girls!

  49. Fishwatch
    0

    (sung to the tune of Mariah’s “Vanishing”)

    If I could make 10 clones
    Of my gingham muumuu
    To sell on QVC
    Surely I would
    Belt in my high whistle tones

    About my bodyguard and me
    Surviving the night
    After a full champagne flight

    I’m bedazzling
    My bolero and scarf
    I’m bedazzling

  50. WriterofDreams
    0

    Was stricken by a pun and wrote this…

    CHECK-MATE (Penned to Nicki Minaj, perhaps, in a battle of Idol Wits)

    We both love a game of chess
    You started with a pawn
    I know that you done did your best
    But you can’t beat this belt from Tron

    Next you led out with your queen
    Tried to take me right down,
    But my sparkle scarf got tricks you never seen
    For a night out on the town

    But you got me, got me
    When you led out with your knight
    I tried to counter with my hair
    But it was such a fright!

    Yet how did I not see?
    This outfit was my fate
    Gingham-wreathed misery
    Check-check-CHECK-mate

  51. MKKS
    0

    I don’t want a lot for Christmas
    There is just one thing I need
    I’m gonna take off this dress
    And use for a skirt beneath the tree

    The decor it will monochrome
    The kids will match — lil’ Roc and Roe
    In custom dyed emu
    For Christmas my kids will be as cool … as Bluuuuuue

    I don’t want a lot from my kids
    They’re real cute as you can see
    And I don’t care that Beyonce
    Has the career that’s meant for me

    I don’t care if Jay-Z has Barclays
    While Nick’s on reality
    To be happy I’ve got my Cristal
    And a large man holding onto me

    I’ve got a lot of stuff to call my own
    More than you could ever know
    What more can I do?
    I want my kids to be as cool as Blue!
    Bluuuuue, baby.

  52. Karen Lindentree
    0

    “sing-narrates”

  53. 'Mela
    0

    Sung to “I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm”

    The wind is blowing, the snow is falling
    But I’ve got my corset-belt on!
    What do I care if my mountain range is bare?
    I’ve got Flannel gingham on, who cares!

    Bridge:

    Off with my sparkly coat, off with my scarf
    Maybe if I keep singing
    I won’t barf…

    I can’t remember a worse bad hair move
    than getting another Jheri-curl perm
    What do I care about Minaj’s who rap?

    I got my voice… I’ve got my crew… I’ve got my man.. I’ve got my kids…

    I dropped my bottle…

    Oh Snap!

  54. Eli
    0

    Because she is wearing a caftan that wouldn’t be amiss on a lanai, to the tune of the Golden Girls theme song:

    Thank you for holding my arm
    As I travel the snowy brick road.
    I am real drunk,
    and this scarf is holding my head on.
    If you threw a picnic
    On my gingham blanket of a dress
    You would see the biggest championship belt is on me.
    And if I were sober I’d say
    Thank you for holding my arm.

  55. Emma
    0

    He’s grabbin’ my arm
    I’m grabbin’ my scarf
    This corset is so tight
    I think I might barf
    But it’s alright
    I only ate oreos today
    The dress is black and white
    My puke will blend, oh yay!

  56. Kim Baker Vidas Davey-Irvin
    0

    to bob marley’s “buffalo soldier”:

    buffalo plaid, yo?
    well, i don’t see any buffalo.
    it’s a stupid thing to call a dress;
    why not stick with “a hot mess”?

    BELT BELT BELT
    BELT BELT BELT BELT
    BELT BELT BELT BELT BELT BELT BELT BELT
    BELT BELT BELT
    BELT BELT BELT BELT
    in case you didn’t notice, i’m wearing a BELT.

  57. lastcontrast
    0

    To dream lover

    Oh Nick won’t you baby,
    Bring me a flattering dress quickly,
    I need something uplifting
    To cover me baby…oh yeah yeah
    At dinner I split wine down my dress,
    Now I’m dressed in a tablecloth-oth
    It’s neither glittery
    Or a bandage dress,
    I feel like such a mess,
    Why don’t you take me away

    Nick bring a new dress for me
    Dress me up Dress me down
    Dress me in anything but a tablecloth baby
    I want to so desperately
    To show my legs, or my boobs,
    And ensure Minaj aint out-diva-ing me.

  58. Julia
    0

    I just saw Mariah perform in Australia last week, and I can confirm, yes, she does sing narrate everything!

  59. windowglass
    0

    (to the melody of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful”)

    Normally I feel so beautiful
    But suddenly it’s hard to breathe
    Right here my waist is squeezed
    From this gorgeous belt, picked it myself

    I have fashion sense
    Don’t care what photos say
    Reality can’t bring me doooooowwwwwn.

  60. Meg
    0

    Sung to the tune of “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey:

    I don’t want a lot for Fugmas,
    but this girdle makes my organs bleed,
    Don’t care about breathing,
    as I shop for my pink Christmas tree.

    I just demand a golden throne,
    some more champagne to wet my throat (hiccups),
    make my rider list come truuuuuue,
    or this place is getting so suuuuuued.

  61. Christa
    0

    I’ve started multi-taaaaaaaaaaaaasking,
    Like all good mama’s doooooooooooooooooo.
    My twins are so demandiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing,
    I’ve found a way that’s truuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue:

    My babies want a picniiiiiiiiiiiiiiic,
    I want to party toooooooooooooooooo.
    My dress will be the blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanket,
    Then take me out with yooooooooouuuuuuuuuu.

  62. Lucille Austero
    0

    To the tune of All I Want For Christmas is You

    I won’t shop a lot this Christmas
    Crowded stores just freak me out
    All those people, all those parcels
    Kind of make me want to pout.
    I will make my list and take it
    To the stores when darkness falls
    Love my fans, but I don’t need them
    Crowding round in shopping malls.
    I just want to shop at night
    Brother hold my arm so tight
    It won’t take too long…
    With a glass of Dom Perignon

  63. Katherine K
    0

    To the tune of “All I Want for Christmas” (very slowly and dramatically):

    I can wear my scarf while shop-ping, see it stretch! It’s so sparkly!
    I don’t care my belt looks like a, medical brace for neck or knee.
    I couldn’t find a dress I liked,
    So I cinched our picnic blanket so tight,
    What more can I do?
    Nick said I looked stupid … how true!

  64. Natalie
    0

    Me and Mariah, go back like small sequenced attire, so I KNOW this is what she’s singing:

    Oh when I walk by every night
    Singing sweet and drinking wine
    I get kind of hectic inside
    Oh Nicki I’m so over you
    Darling if you only knew
    All the grammys that I call mine
    But it’s just a…

    Cheap, cheap fantasy baby
    When I roll my eyes
    You come and hate on me.
    On and on and on.
    You are so deep in your daydreams
    But it’s just a cheap, cheap fantasy baby

    Images of ‘Slap her’
    Creep into me slowly
    As you’re coming towards my head
    And my heart beats faster
    When I throw you over
    Randy and Urban again!
    But it’s just a…

  65. Tricia
    0

    To the tune of “All I Want For Christmas (Is You)”

    I don’t want a lot this new year,
    There is just one thing I need,
    I don’t care about the presence,
    Of a basket or baked Brie.
    I just want someone with me,
    And my tiny husband under a tree.
    Make my wish come true,
    Baby all I want for Christmas is (a picnic on my lap) with you!

  66. Becca C.
    0

    Sung to the tune of “Silent Night:”

    Belted dress, gingham print,
    Black and white, black and white.
    Behold my long GLITTERy scarf
    Be prepared for my twins Roc and Roe
    Blush cheeks of LUSCIOUS PINK…
    Blush cheeks of LUSCIOUS PINK…

  67. ShuliKark
    0

    (To the tune of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”)

    I didn’t shop a lot for Christmas
    I was just too busy
    I was winning this wrestling belt
    “Savage Butterfly” they called me

    Drinking bubbly, barely standing
    Popped my cork like a (Nick) Canon
    Make my wish come trruuuuueeee
    Let me win this American Idol thing, too. Yeah. Baby.

  68. mue
    0

    When i have a belt,
    I like to sing.
    Not the blood of the Welsh,
    That I wear rings.
    A big drape of plaid,
    Driving the Fug girls mad.
    Prosit, salute, cheers
    Keep me from mirrors.
    Hang onto the scarf
    And make it to the door.
    Or be on the floor,
    Camouflaged in a farce.

  69. alison wilson
    0

    ‘I got a brand new pair of roller skates.
    You got a brand new key.’

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  71. Sajorina
    0

    ♫♪”And I know you’re fugging me on
    Go Fug Yourseeeelf,
    Like so many blogs have done
    Along the wayyy,
    And I hope eventually I’ll win
    Fug Madness (Fug Madneeeees),
    One FUG daaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy
    Heeeeyyyy Yehey Yey Yey Yey!”♪♫

  72. Kate
    0

    Eh~ Sexy lady
    Op op op op oppan Gingham Style
    Eh~ Sexy lady
    Op op op op
    Eh eh eh eh eh eh

  73. Big Hungry Shelby
    0

    To Maroon 5′s Tattoo

    Weeeee-ee-e-e-e-e-e

    My scarf and I go hard
    when we’re shoping or just drinking bubbly
    Scarf and I go rough
    Wearing plaid, glitter or belts a-plenty

    But there you go again, go again,
    Making me sway to one side
    And I start losing my head, losing my head
    I wish I could go hide
    Got you stuck on my necky, necky
    Like a lop-side

    Yeaaah, yeahhhh, weeeeeeeeeeeee!

  74. Michelle
    0

    “Vision of Fug”

    I must be blind,
    Or just tipsy.
    My girdle is on the wrong side of
    this gingham atrocity.
    Threw on this old tablecloth,
    cause I spilled champagne on me.
    My bodyguard is the one that I needed,
    so I don’t fall down in the street.

    I am a vision of fug
    What else would you expect of me-e-e?

  75. kfletch
    0

    Trippin’ down these snowy bricks/Breathin’ hard through bubbly sips/Losin’ heat out the toppa my head/Mimi likes wearin’ ice instead/Oh, cinch me, sugah, don’t pinch me.

  76. Mara
    0

    No song from me, but if this dress had a different belt and was knee-length, I’d wear the hell out of it.

  77. Vee
    0

    My head’s going to prom in 1982
    My body’s going to an Addams Family picnic
    And I might have had seven too many glasses of Grand Cru
    So why’d you let me out of the house, Nick?

  78. Virginia
    0

    To the tune of the first part of Hero, as sung by Mimi, natch.

    These earrrings
    (if you look around my extensions
    You don’t have to be afraid
    They’re braaand new)

    But these earrings
    Are they too much for myyyy dreesss?
    But I’m THE Mimi, soooo
    I wear what I WAAAANNT.

  79. Nancy
    0

    Oh man, I thought it was just coincidence but when I saw this photo last Friday, I immediately had a headache. Looking at it again today, another immediate headache. I am not making this up or exaggerating. This outfit is bad for my health.

  80. boo
    0

    A little number with a salsa feel: “Couchy, couchy.”

    Not to be confused with Charo’s “Coochy, coochy,” of course.

  81. foo
    0

    To “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher and Higher)

    This belt, made up of old tires
    Squeezing tighter, until ligaments tore
    So I can’t breathe
    My brain’s on fire
    Wrap me in linens, I’m oxygen poor

    (Chorus)
    You know this belt (Is squeezing me tighter)
    Keeps on squeezing (belt keeps squeezing me)
    Tighter (Squeeezzinnng meeeeeeee)
    Tighter and *cough* tighter (tighteeerr)
    I said this belt (this belt is squeezing me)
    Squeezing me (Squeezing me)
    Tighter and tighter (*gasps* tighter)

    Almost fainted, I’m weightless
    Heels, wine and bricks are not my friend
    But this hand reached out from the darkness
    Performed some CPR
    Now I can breathe again

    (Repeat chorus)

    Don’t be sad, lambs, I’ve got my champagne
    The one that costs more than you make
    With my hand, I’ll drink this bubbly champagne
    And after, we’ll go for pancakes

    (chorus til fade)

  82. Angela
    0

    (Sung to the tune of Please Mr Postman)

    (Stop)
    Oh yes, wait a minute Mister Doorman
    (Wait)
    Wait Mister Doorman
    Mister Doorman, hear me sing
    (Oh yeah)
    While I wear this … this … belted plaid thing
    (Please, Please Mister Doorman)
    Why am I wearing such a long dress?
    (Oh yeah)
    The cops will get me for a fug arrest

  83. PB
    0

    Frankly, I am too distracted by her giant belt and her corkscrew perm** to even attempt to make faux musical contribution.

    **At some point, most people adopt a hair style that they will basically keep for the rest of their lives. Sadly, Mariah seems to have reached that point.

  84. Kristen
    0

    A very Mimi Christmas present:
    A tune of sartorial defense,
    Cause baby
    Belts inspired by high school jazz choir attired
    Concert dress
    Are simply ‘tis the season
    And, baby it’s me—do I really need a reason?
    And you too, would get a free pass
    If you could sing like I do
    (just think, the scroll down of this coulda ended in pants)
    don’t accuse this champagne high butterfly of sartorial voodoo
    (baby you just lucky it ain’t glittery and see through)
    You don’t need your true love bringing
    You rings or other golden things
    I’m simply priceless, Merry Christmas, just bask in my singing…

  85. Ana_Ranjado
    0

    (Vision of Fug)

    Buffalo plaid
    Ankle-length sheath
    Walking solo is risky
    with these platforms I’ve hid underneath

    Drinking some bubbly
    wish I could breathe
    Doing some last minute shopping
    and possibly rocking this weave

    I had a vision of fug
    and it was all over meeeeeeee…

  86. Ruby
    0

    You guys, it just so happened I was at a Mariah concert last Thursday night and YES, she actually sung talked and sung narrated to the crowd.

    E.g. “I love you Sydneeeeeeeey” and, after trying some Vegemite on stage “If someooooone doesn’t get me a glaaaaaaaaass of champaaaaagne in 1.5 seconds you’re all fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiired!”)

    It was a sight (and sound) to behold. It turns out that she’s a total nut job, but I love and respect her even more now. That is all.

  87. Celeste
    0

    To the tune of “Tapestry” by Carol King

    I wear a lovely tapestry
    When off to shop I go
    A fabric made for divas
    My lambies love it so
    A wondrous bulky Slanket
    In squares of white and black
    For fun it hides a shiny gun
    Minaj best watch her back.

  88. lg
    0

    To the tune of Dreamlover:

    I need a tailor to give me
    The kind of dress that will last always
    I need a bodice uplifting
    And not at all janky …oh yeah yeah

    I want a tailor who knows me
    Who understands how I feel about plaid
    A belt to comfort and hold me
    Without needing Spanx-y
    Not at all
    Why don’t you make me over

    Dreamtailor come rescue me
    Zip me up zip me down
    Make me over, you know you want to baby now
    I need you so desperately
    Won’t you please come around
    ‘Cause I wanna be fabulous today baby

  89. tigerstripes
    0

    To the tune of ‘I Knew You Were Trouble’

    Well you can see I’m drunk,
    But I don’t really care,
    With my man on my arm,
    I’m floating in the air.
    I had my own two kids,
    unlike Bee-on-suh-nay,
    And now that I can drink,
    Just listen to me say, say, say, say –
    I’m a diva and I’m worth all of the trou-bull-ull,
    Check my belt out,
    Bartender please make it a doubull-ull-ulll,
    Got to step out,
    Mimi’s done with birthin’ her bay-bee-eeeeees,
    Gonna swing my scarf now,
    My man cuter than ugly ol’ Jay-zee-eeee,
    Whoa I got to barf now-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow.