Freaky Fug Friday Giveaway of Muuuuuuurder: Aaron Johnson


freaky-fug-friday

You may have seen the hilariously awesome news that the author of the Gossip Girl books, Cecily von Ziegesar, has just published a book that reimagines the series as if Blair and Serena are serial-killing high-school students. It’s a hugely unusual, possibly very therapeutic for her, and also intensely entertaining idea — and I hope the TV series, when it ends, decides to go out in a similar blaze of glory. Anyway, a spanking new copy of Gossip Girl: Psycho Killer is the prize for three lucky winners of this week’s Freaky Fug Friday contest, and for a teaser, you HAVE to look at the cover. It’s the same as the original one, but doused in blood. Perfect for Halloween — which, incidentally, is when we’ll be announcing the people who psycho-kill this competition. Har.

All right, let’s sink our costume fangs into this one, shall we?


[Photo: Flynet]

THE SUBJECT: Aaron Johnson, whom you might know as the 21-year old actor/paramour of director Sam Taylor-Wood (they came out as a couple when he was 19, and she was roundabout 42), and the father of two children with her (one currently gestating). As far as we know, he is not currently the ringmaster of a circus of MUUUUURDER, but I suppose anything is possible. Now, please note, we suspect this Olde Timey Villain look is not Aaron’s choice; he’s currently playing a marijuana grower in the adaptation of Savages, and we assume this is what that movie decided marijuana growers look like. This seems questionable, but if indeed it turns out that America’s pot farmers do style themselves as if they’re two seconds away from tying damsels to the tracks in a rent dispute, we will happily mail them a top hat and some mustache wax and be on our merry way.

THE TASK: Let’s exhume our old favorite, the acrostic poem — no specific meter, but the first letter of each line must spell out an apt word or phrase. The topic is, the mystery in which this goofily groomed gent might be embroiled. Is he the killer? The victim? The red herring? The cop? Colonel Mustard? — and make sure the word spells out something scary, like “muuuuuurder,” or “President Kardashian,” or “prohibition.” (Although let’s keep it nice and frothy and apolitical and whatnot. Friday of Halloween weekend is no time for intelligent discourse on any subject except which orange or black cocktails taste the best.)

THE DEADLINE: 10 p.m. Pacific on Sunday night. Be sure and post all submissions in the comments of this entry, or else they won’t be considered. Now get cracking! Serena and Blair are doing a whole lot of muuuuuuuurdering and you’re going to want to catch up on it.

 

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Comments (76):

  1. mary
    0

    OMG…I thought it was Matthew McConaghey when I first saw the picture! Apparently, I need a Vampire Kiss martini…STAT!

  2. Toby
    0

    My goodness that’s an
    Unusual look for
    Sam Taylor-Wood’s boy toy.
    To think he would
    Actually wear that in public
    Completely amazes me.
    He should really stay at home with the kids;
    Everytime.

  3. Piglet the Pooh
    0

    I can’t say much about the poetry, but I do think this acrostic message is the scariest thing Heather and Jessica would EVER have to deal with….

    Snidely
    Whiplash
    Is a look, I suppose
    Not that it is particularly good for the Two Thousand
    Tens
    Or actually ever. In fact
    Never

    I mean, seriously. A handlebar
    Stash? Really?

    Never. Did I say Never?
    OMG
    What’s longer than never? Nothing. So please

    Shave the damn thing off, or
    At least get rid of the handles. Because.
    Never. And I mean
    Ever. Seriously

    • Piglet the Pooh
      0

      I actually know how to spell Swinton. “Not that it is particularly good for tte Two Thousand” should all be on one line….

  4. pinkcheese
    0

    Piglet – you’re awesome!

  5. ARV
    0

    Lo
    A man comes sneaking

    Long locks of blond hair
    Oh… the mustache!
    HORROR!
    After the girl he wages a
    Never ending chase. But wait!
    She’s old enough to be his mother!

    Nudity ensues.
    It is ugly.
    Please. Please.
    Save us from this nauseating scene!

  6. Ley
    0

    Let’s not
    Examine this
    Odd
    Pairing’s
    Age difference,
    Rather let’s
    Discuss the

    Poor little
    Rodent that
    Inexplicably crawled under Aaron’s
    Nose and
    Tragically died.

  7. gin_in_teacups
    0

    I do not have it in me to compose a poem. I am too distraught over this…this…whatever it is that has happened to him.

    On the bright side, whenever I get depressed about my rapidly increasing years, I think about these two. I still have years left with which to bag myself a young hottie.

  8. BAK
    0

    What do you say?
    It’s a wonderful night for a date!
    So I’ll wax up my ‘stache,
    Pull on my tux,
    You shouldn’t worry about my missing tie.

    Barettes? I think so!
    At least they’re
    Not in my view.
    Good thing I brought this rascally ‘stache
    So you borrow it to fill in your bangs a bit more.

  9. Rowynn
    0

    Can anyone
    Remember
    A phrase from years ago, that
    Denoted an older woman?
    “Long in the tooth,” was what they said back then.
    Entirely fitting, on a couple of levels, in this case.

    Really, Ms Taylor-Wood..
    Orthodontics could fix that.
    But then, why bother. Your
    Boy toy seems content.
    Egregious mustache and all, he’s
    Resoundingly better than what’s sprawled on my couch.

  10. Mrs O
    0

    Silly
    Nasty
    Idiotic
    Dumb
    Loopy
    Evil
    Yucky

    Wispy
    Horrible
    Icky
    Pukey
    Lank
    Awful
    Spindly
    Hair-suits deployed by both parties.

    • Sandra
      0

      ..performs the “notworthy” bow in your direction…

    • eee
      0

      As an aside, my husband plans to dress as Snidely Whiplash for Halloween this year. Therefore, your poem has made my day.

  11. Michele
    0

    I hate to be mean, but they look more like mother-son than girlfriend-boyfriend. They seem happy (for now) and have another baby on the way. Some people are born old souls. Maybe that’s the case with him. He is really hot even with the ridiculous mustache and crazy hair. What a handsome face!

    • Meredith
      0

      Or maybe she’s a YOUNG soul. Or a bit of both, and they meet in the middle. That’s how it works with me and my bf (who admittedly is only eleven years my junior, not decades).

  12. Tammy
    0

    Oh, girls. I love the photo + contest but hate the prize. Gossip Girl psycho killer? Come on. The book is sooooo graphic and yet is marketed to young teens. Totally against it, even though I love the GG tv show.

  13. Amanda in Austin
    0

    This is the first time I’ve heard of either of these people, and I am appalled by both of them. I want to go back to 5 minutes ago when I didn’t know of them.

    • vandalfan
      0

      I’ll second that, although Oedipus there reminds me of Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein. As Tom Leher put it,

      One thing on which you can depend is
      Oedipus knew who a boy’s best friend is.

  14. Frances
    0

    I will never never never say one unkind word about a couple where the woman is older than the man, and I don’t care how much older. Not until we stop seeing 60 and 70 year old men with 40, 30 or even 25 year old women in the movies on a regular basis, and somehow everyone acts as if it is totally plausible and fine for the man to be old enough to be her *grandfather*.

    • neiges
      0

      There you go! Totally agree.

    • Sarah
      0

      One of my favourite Twitter moments was when Alec Baldwin had to correct all his naysayers by reminding them that his new fiance wasn’t 26 – she was actually 27….because that’s suddently not such a striking age difference….

  15. AnnieD
    0

    “Johnson did it!” they cried.
    All eyes quickly turning to where he stood,
    Innocently grooming his mustache with a tiny comb.
    Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I ask you.
    Be it not a crime against nature for a grown man to sport
    A dishwater-blonde spiral perm in the year 2011?
    It was so deemed, and poor Johnson was never to be seen nor heard from again. And the widow
    Taylor-Wood thus did mourn, but only ‘til she ran off with the paperboy.

  16. S Battte
    0

    Gallivanting around town, he
    Entices women with his crown, of
    Tangled curls, gold and brown
    A ‘stache of hauteur, slight look of
    Craze, he
    Lures the cougar in a haze
    Unsure of why he makes them nervous
    Earl Aaron Johnson, at your service

  17. Angie
    0

    At this time of year I REFUSE to make fun of ANY mustache. Amazing people grow horrible mustaches this time of year to bring awareness to Prostate Cancer & I suggest you check out Movember to learn more about it. http://us.movember.com/

  18. Jenna Horko
    0

    Hair gone terribly, terribly
    Awry.
    Rascally Johnson tries to
    Emulate a dandy by heisting
    Mom/lover’s bangs for his ‘stache.

    Prudes may disapprove
    And hair stylists may cringe,
    Not that these two mind.
    They’re heading for the bedroom,
    Snidely Whiplash roleplay may now ensue.

    & not long after

    Sam will come to regret this
    Oh so May-December pairing.
    Cougardom loses its shine when you are left hoping the
    Keystone Kops will
    Save you from the train tracks.

    Wispy-whiskered Aaron has gone totally
    Insane, you see, and is now recreating
    Trite silent movie clichés.
    “Hunky boytoy can go suck a duck,” Sam thinks.

    Should this be Hollywood in the olden days, though,
    An Arab prince or
    Nifty white-hatted cowboy will
    Definitely save the day and
    Arrive in the nick of time to rescue our
    Leopard print wearing leading lady. A
    Stetson might cover the bad hair too, girlfriend.

    • Jenna Horko
      0

      Unfortunately, two lines ran over to the next line with the formatting, but just follow the capitalized first letters, people!

  19. Silvia M.
    0

    Pitifully
    Aaron Johnson
    Is a
    Nutjob

    In memory only live the days
    Naughty dreams did he belong

    Helpless we are
    In this
    Sacrilege of beauty

    Envious of his wife
    You could find me
    Ere this night. Now
    Sam Taylor-Wood can have him.

  20. A. Shu
    0

    Everyone who was anyone knew that
    Mr. Johnson obsessed over his hat.
    Pine and pine did he when he saw
    That his hat was missing – oh, good God!
    Yet that wouldn’t stop this gentleman’s quest,

    ‘Cause Mr. Johnson must always look his best.
    And search all across the land, he did,
    No hat could he find that matched the one that hid.
    “Dastardly Bastard!” he thought to the thief as he searched,
    “You will never get away with this crime – you are cursed!”

    But then, coming after weeks of hat-head and shame,
    Old Johnson’s end to the search came,
    What did he find when he lowered his head -
    “Lord! Could it be?” he thought, staring down at the bed:
    Sitting there was his hat, along with his wife, long dead.

  21. Sieglinde
    0

    Wait, we missed the swinging bash?
    It’s her fault
    Not mine! And
    Now there’s cougar
    In my
    Nest of a
    Goddamn ‘stache.

  22. Sophia
    0

    A blonde D’Artagnan,
    Never one to fully believe in the concept of grooming
    Or personal hygiene,
    Took a tour of the local sights.
    He saw a man, a nonthreatening man,
    Every bit as hairily challenged as he was, yet
    Rather handsome.

    Knowledgeable in the ways of the world, thus
    Attentive to the needs of the ladies, especially of those
    Rather seasoned,
    D’Artagnan, eagerly expecting sartorial advice,
    Asked the man, his name still unknown:
    “Should I wear my hair back or naturally flowing?
    How about cutting yours, to look less homeless?
    I do need to bring a certain Oomph,
    After all, I outKutchered Kutcher —
    No way! That’s you?”

    Oh my, he muttered under his breath,
    Has he gone mad, has he done drugs,

    Maybe he’s a cautionary tale:
    You’re in trouble when you unironically look like Jesus.

    Gotta go get a shave, it’s Either-Or, Either boobs
    Or legs, Either head Or face, never ever ever both:
    D’Artagnan’s facial hair will be nevermore.

  23. mj
    0

    Buoyant Mustache Rides? Outwardly, I am cool as ice
    And will offer them at half price
    Tho inwardly I seethe, because, unlike my fully mustachioed foes, Mother Nature
    Erased the area right under my nose
    So, I smote my enemies in a jealous rage, vowing to
    Mate with others only if twice my age
    Oh, try me not, all Bearded Ones- this killing spree has just begun and
    Those in Menopause, I clearly seek, with hirsute chins and un-sleek cheeks
    Egads, Beware! For I will do the Monster Mash on every hairy
    Lad who dares to dis the Lady ‘Stache

    • mj
      0

      Buoyant Mustache Rides? Outwardly, I am cool as ice
      And will offer them at half price
      Tho inwardly I seethe, because, unlike my fully mustachioed foes, Mother Nature
      Erased the area right under my nose
      So, I smote my enemies in a jealous rage, vowing to
      Mate with others only if twice my age
      Oh, try me not, all Bearded Ones- this killing spree has just begun and
      Those in Menopause, I clearly seek, with hirsute chins and un-sleek cheeks
      Egads, Beware! For I will do the Monster Mash on every hairy
      Lad who dares to dis the Lady ‘Stache

      AHHH! Formatting for me too…..BATES MOTEL….that’s what I was going for…..

  24. AngieKeith
    0

    Bordering on the cusp of madness,
    A young man sits in his chair
    Does Vronsky’s whiny sadness

    Beget such yellow hair?
    Aye, said he, and took the bottle,
    Determined to win the role.

    Don’t you know peroxide mottles?
    Yeah, Fug Nation would’ve told.
    Egads! he cried, Sam, come fast!

    Just please, oh please, do help!
    Oh, dear, she said, Sorry to laugh,
    But sucks to be you, my whelp!

  25. Strunkette
    0

    My
    Righteous
    Stache

    Says
    Tons
    About my
    Current
    Yearning for

    Coitus
    Lounging
    On the
    Orient Express of
    Naughty cougars
    Expecting
    Youthful loving.

  26. Maggie
    0

    Not that this matters, but I think the crazy hair/moustachio are being grown out for Anna Karenina. Because it’s a big-ass Russian novel, and he needs some big-ass hair.

  27. Melina
    0

    D elighted to make your
    A cquaintance, there are
    N o words to
    D escribe how
    Y ou…
    L ike to watch as we
    I nstantly seem so creepy and yet
    S o right for one another
    C ause we all know
    I look young enough to be her son and yet I am the
    O ne who is outwardly refined and
    U nderneath it all
    S tuck with this mustache and pin stripped suit to show the world I am the dandy man that did her in…mwha ha ha ha ha (evil laugh)

  28. Claire
    0

    Tempting as it is to
    Embroil this ridiculous incomplete mustache in
    Elegant prose,
    No man
    Should leave
    The house in a shiny, double-breasted tuxedo.
    Additionally, matching your wife’s shiny coat covering her
    Cougar top (because of the animal print, not the age – I do not judge)
    Hinders the ability to
    Enjoy the face (crazy ‘stache included).

  29. nicole
    0

    This guy seems to want to be a
    Willie Wonka with his
    Indescribable need to
    Lick wallpaper
    In his place of business of young
    Girl and boy disposing factory
    He actually looks one of
    Those baseball loving Cullens.

  30. jennie g
    0

    Stache? Check.
    Tuxedo shirt? Check.
    Upswept crazy hair? Check.
    Dumb-ass smirk? Check.

    Methinks I look
    Utterly
    Fabulous and quite
    Fecund
    In
    Night-time attire; wish my squeeze was more thrilled, tho.

  31. Chelsey
    0

    Desperately in need of better press,
    Aaron Johnson
    Needed to sacrifice a tabloid favorite.

    Sam Taylor-Wood
    Concocted the plan with him
    Over a bottle of peroxide.
    Taking down George would be easy.
    The first step? Stacy Kiebler.

    • Sarah
      0

      I have no idea how Dan Scott comes into this conversation, but I love it!

  32. Kate
    0

    Timidly
    He
    Enters the cage

    Lion prowling
    Inching its way closer
    Over to the side his lady watches
    No time now for distractions

    Tame the beast
    And claim her love forever.
    Many years older than he
    Every bit the cougar (look at that shirt!)
    Racing heartbeats
    Sing a song of love (or is it fear?)

    Making his move towards the beast
    Using his whip to clear a path
    She might like it later too (look at that shirt!)
    Every move he makes brings him closer to her

    “THE LION TAMERS MUSE”

  33. Rhiannon
    0

    Very well, let’s begin.

    Faces are tricky contraptions,
    Oddly shaped hair and
    Rollicking mustaches

    Very often
    End up making you look as if you like to kidnap
    Natalie Portman for the purposes of
    Devious plots against the
    English government.
    Truthfully,
    Treason is not an
    Awfully good look.

  34. Sajorina
    0

    “President Kardashian” is the scariest thing I’ve ever read!!! And, OMG, I own, have read and enjoyed Gossip Girl, the novel! I’m dying to read the Psycho version of it!

  35. yeahandalso
    0

    Could I bend your ear
    On an
    Ugly subject?
    Growing a mustache
    Actually emphasizes the
    Really

    Big
    Age difference
    In your
    Tryst

  36. yeahandalso
    0

    I can’t wait to read this book! I’ve read all the original series except the last one.

    also I needed to post another comment because somebody forgot to close their bold and it was driving me nuts!!!

  37. August S.
    0

    “Love”, he though
    “Only love matters in this word.”
    Honestly, when they first met
    And the attraction sparked,
    No one was more surprised than he.

    For he’d always been a superficial sort
    (Actors nearly always are).
    Many called him shallow, but
    Image is undeniably important in
    L. A., and he thought his soul-mate would be
    Young and beautiful; the quintessential starlet.

    “Re-think your bias!” his heart cried when he saw Sam,
    “Embrace the beauty of Autumn though you live in spring!”
    Until he found her
    Nothing felt real; he was alone even
    In a room full of people.
    Only she supports him, understands him and
    Never mocks his ‘stache.

    fin!

    • August S.
      0

      Shoot, the formatting went wonky in the last stanza–it should spell out “Reunion”

  38. ChristopherD
    0

    Curly, cute
    Red
    Aaron’s
    Dire, dreary
    Lip
    Extender

    Raises
    Obvious
    Boy/baby
    Begetting
    Issues,
    Naughty
    Girl
    !

  39. Josie
    0

    There isn’t
    Any other way.
    You could
    Lay all
    Of this
    Mystery, yes

    Mystery I say!
    Of attraction on her.
    Many think
    Sam is
    Enticing a
    Nice Young Man.

    I think, good!
    She’s having

    The babies,
    His hotness,
    Everything.

    Know what?
    I’m over 40…
    Like men a
    Little older, but
    Everyone has their
    Reasons for love & lust.

  40. Linda
    0

    Y’all are all so creative I’m not even going to attempt anything.
    But I will submit that I think Aaron’s hair and mustache are for his role as Count Vronsky in Anna Karenina which is filming now.

  41. Josie
    0

    oh shoot, it’s Real mystery, so it spells Taylor Momsen is the Killer. Messed up, my bad.

  42. NumberSix
    0

    Dear children, a mystery to ponder:
    Enter our protagonist,
    Aspiring Evil Villain,
    Too glassy-eyed to realize
    His face-fur is more suited to a
    Brothel patron on lunch from
    Ye olde general store.
    E</b<lder brother Snidely
    Nabs all the supervillain glory,
    Not-quite-so-Eeevil Smugly is too
    Unconcerned to live.
    Is apathy a killer?

  43. NumberSix
    0

    Sorry, bit of an HTML fail, trying again:

    Dear children, a mystery to ponder:
    Enter our protagonist,
    Aspiring Evil Villain,
    Too glassy-eyed to realize
    His face-fur is more suited to a
    Brothel patron on leave from
    Ye olde general store.
    Elder brother Snidely
    Nabs all the supervillain glory,
    Not-quite-so-Eeevil Smugly is too
    Unconcerned to live.
    Is apathy a killer?

  44. Erin
    0

    G ood fortune! thought the lonely heiress when
    R akish Alfred Pennythwaite came wooing.
    I n fact, his mustachios hid dark secrets:
    F or Alfie’s love was but a long con. But wait!
    T he night of the big soiree, young Alfie was poisoned
    E re his deceit was discovered. Quick, someone
    R ing Miss Marple!

  45. Curtis
    0

    Sad, isn’t it?
    Now that cartoons primarily feature yellow sponges or little latina adventuresses,
    It is near-impossible to find anyone to root for.
    Dastardly villains once abounded;
    Each festooned with marvelous moustache and abhorrent apparel,
    Leading all to cheer as he concocted his underhanded plot.
    You just can’t find that today.

    When men like Aaron Johnson must step up and lead the way
    Having no celebrity or raison d’être whatsoever,
    It worries me for the future of the Boris Badenoughs & Natasha Fatales.
    Please, the evil role models of today aren’t worth the salt they sweat through their coke binges:
    Lohan;
    Audrina;
    Snookie.
    Help the children: bring back the Whiplash!

  46. TonyG
    0

    SNOW IN OCTOBER

    So on the eve of All Hallows
    Now we have to ponder this:
    On a rather handsome man,
    What hideousness sits atop his lips

    Is it a Guy Fawkes tribute?
    No, it cannot be.

    Of course it could be a sexy tool.
    Clearly a stache this waxy and wiry,
    To his wife, might an aphrodisiac be.
    Oh, to have one’s cobwebs cleaned,
    By something so itchy and scary.
    Every one, I suppose, deserves a Halloween treat.
    Remember, though, to make mine not so hairy.

  47. Sarah
    0

    ‘Macabre for McQueen”

    Manly moustache cannot hide
    Abject horror of his aging bride
    Can he cut the ties? Creep away?
    An upper east side girl is keen to play.
    Bring your best D&G
    Refreshed and cock sure
    Eliminate the competition and wait by the door
    For a blonde or a redhead or maybe both
    Of stunning physique but bearing an oath
    Rid yourself of your problem of old
    Middle aged, quite droopy, 2 babes left too hold
    Call off the planned match and escape if you can
    Quick to her side be her very best man
    Entreat her to swap her knives for McQueen
    Else a warning to others you shall be
    Never cross Serena or her friend Queen B

  48. Kathleen
    0

    The suspect
    Is never
    Going to
    Hand himself over
    To the authorities,
    So we must call for help.

    Aaron Johnson is a
    Really avid Sherlock Holmes fan. He
    Even grew a mustache to get into character.

    Perchance he could help?
    Anything is possilbe to a man with
    Nice hair like his.
    This case will be closed as
    Soon as he finds his pipe.

  49. Janette
    0

    Brown roots belie orange curls
    Really?
    And don’t tell me it’s for a movie.
    I don’t think any Savages would condone this
    Nest on your head.
    Sight for sore eyes? No. Sight makes eyes sore.
    !!

  50. Mike
    0

    Brave new world
    Launches boldly forth
    Under new management:
    Excitement is uncontained.

    Everyone talks age;
    Youth is relative.
    Elders nod knowingly:
    Drama makes press.

    EXCELLENT!” Master cries,
    Upon the morrow,
    Go and multiply.”
    End products will
    Never fail goals.
    Indigo nights await.
    Can it be?
    Secret breeding program?

  51. jess
    0

    Barging through the crowd of paparazzi
    Aaron’s poor mother could hold it in no more
    Next time steal from another cradle!
    Gun wielding, she aimed,”now take this you dirty whore”
    !

  52. Ruth
    0

    Fix your gaze upon my dashing countenance, fair ladies!
    Linger lovingly, looking upon lion and leopard!
    Indulge your feline fantasies, faux fur awaits!
    Rollicking ribaldry and risque roleplay
    To bed! To bed! Exit, stage right.

  53. Ruth
    0

    Vronsky defends his love -
    Anna Karenina was a long time ago
    My love has matured
    Passion is ageless
    If you only knew the truth!
    Really I am the elder.
    Extremely so.