Freaky Fug Friday: BUMPED Voting Edition

Well, y’all did it again: All we wanted was a quiet Sunday night with a total of five funny entries, but nooooooooo, you guys had to go and ALL be funny and clever and snarktacular. THANKS A LOT. But we have a prize to give away this week — five copies of NYT bestselling author Megan McCafferty’s brilliant new book Bumped –and so we did in fact have to whittle down our list of favorite-favorites.

So, congratulations to each of these finalists, who all get a copy of Bumped as long as they provide us with their addresses (via our e-mail address, fuggingitup[at]gmail[dot]com) for shipping purposes. And not stalking purposes. We promise.


1) NATALIE S., “Taylor Momsen”

This, I may have seen here before.
Although I can’t recall who wore it.
Yep, definitely someone from the fug archives.
Legsly, first name Boobs, maybe?
Or The Widow Longoria?
Rather not, I fear.

Much too ostentatious for those two.
Okay, I think if altered slightly,
Maybe remove the coat and add some
Stripper heels, also include lots of
Extensions and raccoon eyes…
Nope, can’t put my finger on it.

2) THOMAS, “Double Ds”

Daily I’ll strive to keep pushing them higher,
Onward and up, to my chin they aspire
Undaunted by attention to my one buckled thigh
Be buoyant, my girls, and hold yourself high!
Let go gentlemen, I think I’ll walk fine,
Eyes must behold my pleathered vagine!
Decked out in my feathers, I couldn’t be prouder,
Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.

3) CORRINER, “Devil’s Twins”

Dear JEBUS! I exclaimed over my morning cereal,
Egads! I screeched while spilling coffee on my lap,
Verily, Xtina has eaten the Wonder Twins!
I can’t lie, they’re like a car accident,
Legitimately I can’t look away.
Shame spiral… for her and for me.

Time to talk, Xtina,
We need to sit you down and TRUTH TOUCH
In no way is it ok for you to be wearing
Next-to-nothing when you’re bosom buddies are
STARING ME DOWN like Satan’s bounty.

4) CHRIS, “Dirrty”

Dearest Xtina, I fear that your gown
Is molting all over Los Angeles Town
Really, after the tragedy that was Burlesque
Returning to that type of style was grotesque
The only condolence I think you can glean:
You can always double as your own drag queen


Oh shit. I totally thought the
Man on the phone said
Gay Walk of Shame.

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Comments (27):

  1. Christy

    I think GFY has a new slogan. “Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.” Amazing.

  2. Anne B

    Fug Nation! Way to outdo yourselves.

    Breaking out the “pleathered vagine”? I would never in my life have thought to rhyme anything with *that*.

    Thomas FTW!

  3. DanerKebab

    All excellent choices. I was torn between the first two until I got to the last one… If I’d been drinking something, it would have come out my nose! Well done, Robert P.

  4. Krista

    Thomas, you had me at “pleathered vagine.”

  5. Chicklet

    Thomas, will you marry me?

  6. vandalfan

    Oh yeah- Team Pleathered Vagine.

  7. bex

    i think y’all need to hire thomas as a third writer! i was in tears. pure genius.

  8. Thomas

    Wow, thanks for the kind comments so far! A new book and a warm fug embrace may qualify as my One Shining Moment for the next decade. P.S.–I’m loving team pleathered vagine, but I’m scared about the potential uniforms/lack thereof.

  9. Gigi

    Thomas, we must go drinking together soon!

  10. Molly

    I cannot and will not (ok I will) choose between Dirrty and OMG.

  11. Jill

    When I first read Thomas’ entry on Friday, I laughed until I cried. So glad to see it as a finalist…..I laughed hard all over again reading it just now. Great job Thomas!

  12. TonyG

    Close call for me between Double D’s and Evil Twins. Double Ds made me laugh just a bit more, but great selections all around!

  13. Sandra

    Laughed right out loud in the library at OMG, so that got my vote. But they’re all pretty dang good.

  14. Sally

    Congrats to all- very juicy and wonderful. “Pleathered vagine” had me until “You can always double as your own drag queen.” But now I am loving that spell check has no freaking idea what to do with “pleathered vagine.” I imagine the little spelling bee master hamster that lives inside my computer is having a major “what? what? WHAT????” breakdown about now.

  15. mary lou bethune

    How can a woman go out looking like that? Does she have no one? They want to shock so badly; in fact that need is in inverse proportion to the talent they have…

  16. Elvira

    I agree with Bex — Thomas should be hired as a guest GFY commentator! Pure genius! =)

  17. Molly

    Teehee. Pleathered Vagine. Do I hear a fragrance starting?

  18. Chris

    So, I came home from work, immediately checked GFY…and saw all of that. This may be my proudest moment on the Internet in my life.

    …I don’t know what that says about me.

    In all good conscience, I might have to join Team Pleathered Vagine. (Which I initially typed “vaginae,” which made me stop and think because I thought the plural was “vaginas.” Apparently, I was wrong. GFY is educational!)

  19. Thomas

    Chris–You’re awesome for saying that (!), and I’m glad to know someone else was excited about being a finalist. For what it’s worth I used a campus computer to cast one vote for Team Molting Drag Queen. Rhyming acrostics unite :D

  20. cranky old batt

    “Singing is loud, but fug is much louder.”

    Please print up the tee shirts and tell me where I can buy mine.

  21. cranky old batt

    Okay, I posted my comment before I read the other comments.

    Oh my freaking god on stick with a sparkly pink handbag Sally, the computer spell check hamster meltdown made laugh so hard I literally nearly fell out of my chair.

  22. Elise

    OMG pleathered vagine. Genius!!!!!

  23. lori

    eyes must behold my pleathered vagine.

    singing is loud, but fug is much louder.

    In the same poem? It’s almost too much genius to bear.

    Bravo. Bravo.

  24. Sajorina

    Love it, @Thomas!!! By the way, I have Double Ds and would never do that to them!

  25. D'Oh


  26. Ockam

    Pleathered vagine..?
    Absolutely divine.

  27. corriner

    This was so much fun! Congrats to my fellow book-winners, and the final winner Thomas! Pleathered Vagine was true brilliance, bravo!

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