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(1) LADY GAGA vs. (16) BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD

[PLEASE NOTE: Each contestant’s archive is linked here at the top of each match-up, for handy review of their past transgressions]

By now, we’re all well versed in the sorts of things Lady Gaga wears to perform:

Lady Gaga performing at the O2 in London

[Photo: Splash News]

I know this is supposed to be art — and it is, if the visual painting you are doing is of the offspring of Heidi Montag and Sweetums.

But the equally important question, as regards this competition: What does Lady Gaga wear when she’s NOT on stage?


Lady Gaga O2 gig afterparty at Mr Chow wearing a lobster mask

[Photo: Splash News]
Apparently, Gaga wore this to a friends-and-family party at a restaurant. With her parents. I would like very much to see the looks on my own parents’ faces if I showed up to dinner wearing ardently pro-math nipple shields, a rubber claw sprouting from my wrist, the floor mats from a car too cheap to use rubber, and a silver crustacean — much less tried to hug them. Stomping, fainting, and gritted teeth might be involved. On the plus side, I guess Gaga is her own easy-clean lobster bib.
All that is tough to compete with, so I don’t envy Bryce Dallas Howard this task. Nor do I envy her this outfit:
terminator salvation premiere 2 280509

[Photo: WENN.com]

Severe hair + harsh lipstick + bad color + window treatment + sheer + wrong shoes + I secretly hate French-tip pedicures + I can’t even tell if that IS a pedicure + why does your eye shadow match your hair? = a perfect storm of fug.
This isn’t a great equation either:
Undershirt + weird socks + high-heeled clogs + trash-bag body stocking = turn around and get back in the car. 
Hmm. Maybe the REAL problem here is that Bryce Dallas Howard is lousy at math.

(8) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (9) WHITNEY PORT

For someone who co-owns a boutique, this is sixteen different kinds of wrong.

Perez Hilton's

Actually, it’s an avalanche of wrong no matter WHAT your affiliation is to a clothing store. That thing easily adds five or ten pounds to Kim’s body. It kind of looks like her boobs are being propped up by armor, which is great if you are fighting The Crusades inside Studio 54 in the 1970s, but not so optimal in any other circumstance.

Kim is not alone in her problems with trousers. Whitney Port not only put these on her body, but wore this out in public:

Whitney Port in New York City

[Photo: Splash News]

That, of course, led to a buttock buffet — all well and good when you’re wearing your satin sleep shorts and belly tee in the comfort of your own home, but kind of egregious when you’re out shopping and appear to be exiting a store that sells only the things that are doing their job properly here: shoes.

Neither lady fares consistently well with dresses, either.

Kim Kardashian and Brittny Gastineau host a pre New Year's party

[Photo: Splash News]

All I can say for this is, although it looks like something that would be borne of a Kardashian-Joan Collins fashion line, at least it’s not in danger of dropping off Kim’s body. Whitney’s, not so much:

2009 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

However, this does provide inspiration for anyone who longs to yoke their undergarments and their lampshades.

(4) BRAD PITT vs. (13) MILEY CYRUS

We didn’t cover the heck out of Brad Pitt’s facial topiary this year because after one viewing or so it kind of spoke for itself, using very scruffy yet very Mephistophelian tones, and also possibly playing a lot of Grateful Dead music in the background of its lair.

Premiere of Warner Bros. Pictures' & Spyglass Entertainment's

Whether he did this to himself for a role, for giggles, or because he lost a bet, it still doesn’t explain why he felt his chin needed little pigtails.

You might think comparing Pitt’s facial hair to Miley’s clothing is a task that’s Herculean in its randomness. And yet I may have found a link:

Miley Cyrus steps out in  ripped jeans on her way to the hair salon

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

This shirt MAY have been woven from the downy hair of Brad’s beard droppings.

(5) CIARA vs. (12) AGYNESS DEYN

Singer Ciara came on really strong toward the end of the Fug Madness cycle — to the point where we almost entirely missed her Year In Fug, and had to study it in retrospect. But it makes sense to start off with the outfit that is the sound, strong basis for her high seeding: this Grammys atrocity.
The 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals
This so confounds me that I kind of wish I’d been there to see her put it on, just to help me understand how it works and what the hell it even IS. Are they separate layers, or is the leotard sewn to the lacy overlay that turns into pants? Is the harness-jacket its own entity? Does she require a team of four people to lower her into all the component parts pre-assembled?
Conversely, I can understand HOW Ciara’s opponent Agyness got into this:
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[Photo: WENN.com]

I just don’t know WHY she got into it. 
Neither lady has particular luck with accessories, either.
Lady Gaga & The Launch Of V61 Hosted By V Magazine & Marc Jacobs
Those boots look like the kind of amphibious armor that might encase a next-century watercraft aching to have a go at the Kraken. Does anyone know if Ciara has a keen interest in marine life?
13th Annual 2009 ACE Awards Presented by the Accessories Council - Arrivals
Agyness, on the other hand… you know what? I don’t even know what that is. Decals? Heavily smudged liner? An oil slick? I give. Maybe there’s something about being a model that makes you want to do bizarre things to your face during the times you are not being paid to do anything on the strength of it. 
But both of these ladies have me throwing up my hands. Somehow, I must find the strength to bring them down upon my mouse and decide which insanity gets to progress.