ESPYs Hilarious Carpet: Brian Wilson

Um.  Words might be failing me:

Heather and I have a joke between us, about how we find it hilarious when movie reviews are edited down to their most flattering bits — like, say the original quote is, “Filmmaker Q. J. Random has created a lackluster, crappy movie,” and the miracle of ellipsis turns it into, “Filmmaker Q. J. Random has created…a movie” — and I just said to my laptop, “Brian Wilson has created AN OUTFIT.” Which is not to imply this is either lackluster OR crappy. In fact, it is SPECTACULAR. It’s like what an Olympic Bobsled Team would wear to the Oscars if they had to get there ON THEIR BOBSLEDS and as such, it is AWESOME.

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Comments (60):

  1. toxxic

    there* :)

    I think its interesting at least! He’s also wearing socks that a fan sent him, ninja socks!

  2. AMS

    I can honestly say I’ve never seen one of those before. How wonderful (?) that they exist.

  3. gladly

    Damn your equanimity! I cannot stand Brian Wilson. He’s trying so very hard to be a “personality,” it’s exhausting. I was delighted when Seth Myers poked fun at his quest for attention last night. The natural progression of this is for him to be carried out to the mound for his next relief appearance in a translucent egg.

  4. Hermann51

    Is he also wearing a Wonderbra?

  5. Al

    The gloves and cane make it extra classy.

  6. Amynishiki

    Why, Brian, must you deny your hotness?

  7. ak

    It’s Mr. Peanut the Penguin! If only those sunglasses were a monocle…

  8. jerkygirl

    My Dad recently wore a tuxedo t-shirt to my cousin’s (casual) wedding, much to my mother’s chagrin, but to everyone else’s delight. A guy even stopped him in the street afterward, and offered to buy it right off his back. This tuxotard is somehow even cooler than that t-shirt, although I must admit that I’m glad my Dad didn’t find it hanging on the rack at Wal-Mart. :)

  9. BigNoise

    Ladies and gentlemen — the little-known fourth member of ZZ Top!

  10. casey

    @jerkygirl – “tuxotard”! Love it, that is awesome

  11. Stefanie

    Im all hopped up on cold meds and for the life of me I cant figure out what is going on here.

  12. Katie

    “… to get their ON THEIR BOBSLEDS.”

    AHHHH. I hate to be “that girl”, but I’m gonna go all grammar Nazi on you.

    “… to get THERE on THEIR bobsleds.”

    Oi vey.

  13. cruzilla

    The next logical step is a painted on tuxedo, with the wearer fully nude underneath (just like the did for SI recently with swimsuits painted on the models. This is pobably not the only example of this , just the first that comes to mind).

  14. elz

    That is Spectacular. Kudos, Mr. Williams. THAT takes some balls, I tip my hat to you. And, to you both for sharing this with us all.

  15. Molly

    If by awesome you mean I can See His Religion, then yeah.

  16. shebrihart

    Well played, Mr. Wilson, well played. I am fascinated by him..I’d love to go on a date with him, if anything it would be a GREAT story to tell people. Can someone make that happen? Please? :)

  17. eee

    Stefanie, I’m NOT on cold meds and yet I’m right there with you.

  18. liz oneill

    Brian Wilson has made it to Go Fug Yourself! Two of the happiest parts of my world collide!! Awesome! AWESOME!! AWESOME!!!! (I wish there was such a thing as DOUBLE CAPITALIZATION, because I would so USE IT!!!)

  19. TTBelle

    I don’t know who that guy is but I think I’m in love.

  20. CB

    I’m just glad that a closer’s crazy is closer to the benign end of the crazy spectrum for a change (*coughjohn rocker coughcough*)

  21. LoveBWeezy

    As Mr. Wilson would say, he looks delicious

  22. Kara

    @cruzilla: I totally thought this WAS painted on. At least the top.

  23. JRD

    @ liz oneill: He’s been Fugged before:

  24. Betty


  25. Jessica

    Thank you all! I do know the difference between “their” and “there” – I just happened to write this at 2am last night.

    It’s been fixed.

  26. Winona (not Ryder)

    This would be far more interesting if it were former Beach Boy Brian Wilson.

  27. Jenny Hutcherson

    Tuxotard or not, he’s so hot. I really didn’t want that to rhyme but I couldn’t figure any other wording.

  28. Martha

    I have never heard of this person before, and I think his beard looks like something someone would wear if they wanted to be in disguise for a Dateline interview.

  29. liz oneill

    JRD: Thank you!

  30. Romy

    As someone commented on a Giants message board: “He’s officially the most embarrassing imaginary boyfriend I’ve ever had.”

  31. Kate

    I kind of love how everyone in the background is trying to avert their eyes, except for the gentleman in the sunglasses, who is just like, “bwhahahaaa.”

  32. sugarleg

    oh dear. I live here in SF and Mr. Wilson is a beloved local hero, BUT we all know this is mostly some kind of act and that all we care about is he ability to close which he does on a regular basis. this outfit is just plain silly. I can also admit that his image in full wind up that graces many light pole banners right here near the ballpark (I work next door!) make me weak in the knees. he’s all manly man in those!

  33. misssara

    Sigh… he is such a dreamboat. Something about the cane really does it for me. Have you seen his sports center commercial? I wouldn’t want to know what’s in that beard either.

    Go Giants!!

  34. Kristina

    Man, last night with all the twitter comments, I was so confused as to why Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys (…is he even still alive?) was attending the ESPYs in the first place. Although I could see him rocking something like this, if that were randomly the case.

  35. Mrs o

    I love him! Crazy-HOT!

  36. vandalfan

    He’s a cross between Fidel Castro and the penguins in Mary Poppins. I seriously love him now. And, plus, too, also, nice beefy figure, unless that’s a plastic chest piece.

  37. Mongerel

    Hmmm, I am never a fan of sneakers on the red carpet.

  38. Minutiae

    He’s so weird, and his beard is gross. He needs to give his unitard back to Justin Hawkins already, before he goes all the way down Dennis Rodman Ave.

  39. Jenn

    @Kristina & Someone else before that…
    OMG! I was trying to figure out why Brian Wilson the Beach Boy was at the Espy’s, so thank you for making me realize that I am not alone!

    Also… Both Brian Wilson’s are still alive, but I am pretty sure the baseball player’s parents both just died of embarassment.

  40. Minutiae

    And I must add that without the facial pubes, the guy looks like this:

    Just sayin’.

  41. Jasmine

    I find him completely hilarious at all times, and this is no exception. Bravo, Brian, Bravo.

  42. bambi_beth

    @Jenn Baseball Brian Wilson’s father died of cancer after a five year battle when Mr. Wilson was just age 17. He attributes his focus to the fact that his father pushed him so hard, turned down an invite to the majors straight out of high school, and went for the college scholarship instead. I’d imagine, crazy or not, his father would be proud of him and is mother already is.

    This is fun crazy anyway. “Cray-cray” crazy.

  43. jenelope

    I saw a picture of this on Yahoo earlier and I’m pretty sure that the whole purpose of the cane is so that he could put his hands in front of his crotch for pictures, but not look like “I’m putting my hands here so you won’t take a picture of the outline of my penis.” Although in other pictures, he really doesn’t seem to care.

  44. jen

    he looks like a puffed up justin theroux

  45. Nee

    Hey, anything this penguin-adjacent is ok in my book.

  46. themis

    Theory: THIS is why Justin Theroux shaved his beard, not because of dating Aniston. Got tired of being mistaken for Brian Wilson.

  47. ak

    LOVE HIM!!

  48. Mary

    Was just recently introduced to him (as in, found out who he was) by my husband, who showed me his Sport Center spots and some interviews. Yes, he’s full of himself, but he’s also hilarious. (In my experience, these two characteristics do sometimes go hand in hand.)

  49. Winona (not Ryder)

    @Kristina – former Beach Boy Brian Wilson is alive, well, and currently touring!!! (And he’s fantastic live, too!)

  50. Lina

    That is DELIGHTFUL! \o/

  51. Nat

    Ga Ga is jel jel. Good job!

  52. Anonymous_Skater

    No, I think this is more like a speed skating skin-suit. Also known as, what Apolo Ohno would wear if the ESPYs had “ice carpets” instead of a red carpet, and everyone had to skate. Now that’s an awards show I would watch! :)

  53. Becky

    @sugarleg, I work next door too! 4th and Brannan.

    Anyway, I read in a different spread on this that his cane was his “plus 1″ (his words) and he nicknamed it Cougar Cane. Which I totally dig.

    I’m not a sports fan, to be honest, so I’m mostly annoyed when the Giants win because parking by the stadium (and my office) skyrockets, but I’ll take the tuxotarded Brian Wilson any day. (That last part doesn’t quite sound right… perhaps tuxotard can’t be verbed!)

  54. mojo

    Look on the bright side – no cape…

  55. Alexa

    @BrianWilson38 tweeted:

    “The Tux. Made of reproduced underwater sea lion-platypus hybrid DNA. Just keeping it classy! #fearthespandex”

    For those who don’t know “Fear the Beard” is what Giants fans say about our quirky closer.

  56. fritanga

    He is so awful it’s sort of great. Appalling, but great. Aw, hell, what am I saying? He’s disgusting! It’s the hideous dyed beard that does it.

    Actually, when I first saw this photo I thought it was Justin Theroux, and then I remembered he’d shaved his beard off.

  57. fritanga

    OMG I’m not the only person who thought it was Theroux! Classic.

  58. Miranda

    I love that man. If he got traded to the Red Sox it would be almost painfully good.

  59. Bubba

    This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Thank you Brian Wilson.

  60. klynb

    As a much greater man than I once sang:
    “Call it impulsive, call it compulsive, call it insane
    But when I’m surrounded I just can’t stop”