Charo Bracket, Round One: More Buttcheeks Than Expected, Perhaps

In this round: (1) Kim Kardashian vs. (16) Angela Sarafyan · (8) Gwen Stefani  vs. (9) Sophie Turner · (5) Jared Leto vs (12) Cate Blanchett· (4) Karlie Kloss vs. (13) Karolina Kurkova
1. Kim Kardashian vs. 16. Angela Sarafyan

Let us begin with Angela, who is great on Westworld and who is here primarily on the strength of THIS:

Have we not outgrown this, as a society? Are we not at a point where we can cross this sort of look off our lists and consider it well and truly done? (On the other hand, I suppose it still garners attention, so. Here we are.)

Angela also has a fondness for dressed that just look like fabric all wrapped around her to pretend to be a sewn-and-finished item:

This is as if one giant scrunchie exploded:

It is, as Tim Gunn would say, a whole look of look.

And now, onto Kimberly, who beat out ALL of her sisters to make it to this game.  (She was absent much of the end of the year, in the wake of being robbed in Paris, and all of the looks in this match pre-date that traumatic event. Kim does not need an entire year to earn a Fug Madness berth.) Her year was very lingerie inspired. It is beyond me how she walked around in this without flashing her junk entirely. Honestly, what she ought to be selling is Kardashian-branded double-sided tape. Here’s a tragic sheer lace jumpsuit. Here’s this miracle of physics:

PS: Here’s her buttcheeks. Not in the above. In something totally else.

Not content with merely buttchecks and waxing prowess, Kim also brought us utterly clear thigh–high boots, surely a sweat machine:

And these compellingly complex boots, which I think I also just saw on a Real Housewife before she started screaming at someone on a boat:

Remember what I said about lingerie? This is but the tip of the proverbial iceberg:

It’s a very hideous iceberg.

As ever, Kim’s archives are vast and glorious and you’re welcome to trawl them; Angela’s are shorter, but still powerful (much of her wardrobe is actually lovely, but you don’t wear a naked dress and escape Fug Madness!).

8. Gwen Stefani vs. 9. Sophie Turner

A note! If you may recall, performance outfits are not eligible for Fug Madness, which removes a lot of Gwen’s crazy. And it’s also why I’m really glad she wore this wacky look on the red carpet. And this, on Jimmy Fallon recently — how did she even sit in it? And this outfit, which I originally thought was denim, and…am glad isn’t. This pic means we’re currently two-for-two in match-ups involving buttcheek:

To myself: WORDS.

This dress artfully recalls the dye-job Gwen sported in the first look that I linked to, which is…a commitment to a personal aesthetic?

And if you ever wondered if it’s cool to leave the house with the band of your hose reaching far, far above the actual waist of your pants, Gwen has the answer and apparently it’s YES:

There’s a relief. All my hose basically reaches to my armpits.

Meanwhile, over in Westeros: Sophie had a rough year. I’m not going to lie. Louis Vuitton has not been kind to her. This red number at the SAGs was muddled; this look they made her wear at Paris Fashion week was ADVANCED; this look at the Globes was THE WORST:

But this LV is ALSO bad:

You guys! Do better by Sophie Turner! At the hands of other houses, her Valentino here was okay, but this number from Balmain is a total headdesk for me:

For further research, Gwen’s archives await thee here, while Sophie’s are hanging out at The Wall, waiting for winter to go away.

5. Jared Leto vs 12. Cate Blanchett

Hee hee hee. I wish this were an actual physical battle. Cate would TAKE HIM DOWN. Let us begin with Mr Method Actor. (One of my favorite things last year was looking at the photos from Comic Con wherein Leto would be talking and Viola Davis would be looking at him with a barely-concealed expression of elegant distaste. Every day of my life I wish I were friends with Viola Davis. We could open a bottle of wine and talk about how sad we are that Beautiful Leaner Jared Leto might be kind of jerky. His look at the Oscars was somewhat obnoxious, certainly. And look at this guy. This guy is a PAIN IN THE ASS. This guy is ALSO probably really annoying. SAME:

Same:

At least he’s not boring. In fairness, I kind of want this coat. This, for example, is certainly…not subtle:

Cate The Great has certainly worn her share of unsubtle looks. I love her, but this is aggressively terrible:

And I do not know what’s happening here, at the Tonys. Why, Cate? WHY?

And then, of course, there was that time that she dressed like Gary Oldman’s head in Dracula:

Apparently, her Carte Blanchett cannot overcome everything.

Jared’s archives are here, and they’re a real thing that happened. Cate’s await you, coolly, here.

4. Karlie Kloss vs. 13. Karolina Kurkova

Model vs model!

BUT HOW WILL TAYLOR SWIFT VOTE?! Or, for that matter, GOOP, given that Karlie kinda ripped off her iconic Oscars look.  Karlie is so gorgeous, and a great model, and sometimes makes very nutty sartorial choices. Or at least ones that involve pointless panty windows (to quote Heather’s original post). She did not manage to escape the clutches of LV. THIS HAPPENED:

This was likewise a horrorshow:

THIS is distressing:

And this just makes me want to fling myself off a cliff.

Having said that: I kinda wish T. Swiff would borrow some of these. Just to mix things up.

Moving to the older model: It is telling that the first post on Karolina’s archive page is called WHAT EVEN IS THIS. Because, yes:

What even was that? While we’re on the subject, what is THIS?

What was THIS?

I know what this was; it’s her Crackpot Old Lady costume, which I kind of appreciate. But this next one? I’m at a loss:

I mean, I guess it’s formal fishing net?

If you need further intel, Karlie’s archives are here, while Karolina’s are here.