Fugger: Various Kardashians

Fug, Fines, and WTF: Various Kardashian/Jenner Offspring

I don’t know how Kim has not figured out that tight skirts with horizontal patterns across her hips do NOT do for her what she thinks they do.

Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Teen Choice Awards

But I mean, apart from looking like something you could buy on The Sims for your bangin’ bachelor pad, Kim actually is not the problem here. Nor is Kylie. No, it’s Kendall who needs a Get-a-Grip Friend to tell her she looks like she’s wearing rotting linens. Beyond that, though, the whole outfit feels like something Angie Harmon would wear, but with actual finished pant legs, and Angie Harmon — whom I love, conceptually — IS IN HER FORTIES. Kendall is eighteen. It’s cool to want to grow up to be Angie Harmon — I will feel that way until I die, I suspect — but not when you still have like THIRTY YEARS to get there.

However. Kendall did not have the worst sartorial weekend of the lot.

that honor goes to Kourtney


Coachella Music Fugstival: First Weekend

Otherwise known as Free People Fashion Week, and starring such luminaries as Vanessa Hudgens, Beyonce, Solange, Lorde, Jared Leto, Kellan Lutz, Kate Bosworth, and the Jenner girls and the Willis girls in some truly hideous things.

Speaking of: This was the second Coachella photo I saw. And I tweeted it and said that I was fairly sure it would stand as the stupidest one of all. And then some people gave her some REALLY stiff competition.

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[Photos. Splash, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN]


Fug the Card: The Kardashian Christmas Card (Kristmas Kard?) 2013

Oh my god, you guys. This card is literally so big that I can’t even fit the entire thing on this website. LOOK:

In order for it to fit, I have to shrink it down to the size of a Band-Aid, which makes me wonder if it arrives in, like, a box originally made for framed Magic Eye posters down at Ahhs. If you are on the Majestic Kardashian Khristmas Dist. List, please do let us know if that is the case. Maybe it comes already under the plexiglass it so richly deserves? (You can click on the pic and it will take you to a place where you can “view full size,” if you really want to get the whole KARDASHIAN EXPERIENCE at once, which I expect will feel like those old Hitachi Maxell ads where the dude’s hair and tie are blown back by the force).

The whole thing is so overwhelming that they had to release, like, SEGMENTS of it individually so that we could actually tell what the f is going on (which you can see if you click through the slide show). And I have so many notes. Many, many a note. First of all, there are no husbands in this photo other than poor Bruce Jenner all the way to the right, and BRUCE IS ENCASED IN A GLASS TUBE PRESUMABLY TO SILENCE HIM. He’s also the “cashier” at this Kardashian Kasino because Kris sees him as someone who is trying to tell her how to spend her riches and that’s why she’s divorcing him. As I interpret it. But, seriously. A holiday card should not take the patriarch of the family AND STICK HIM IN A GLASS TUBE LIKE A TEST SUBJECT.

Kanye and Scott Disick got excused, presumably because: a) it’s too awkward to figure out how to include Lamar in this entire thing considering that he’s currently MAYBE on crack (I hope not; Lamar and Khloe are the only ones I really like) and (b) Kanye took one look at this set-up and started laughing and couldn’t stop. He and Nori are killing time over at the Marmalade Cafe at The Grove right now and he’s STILL laughing, right into his shrimp salad.

Also absent? ANY KARDASHIAN/JENNER BOY CHILDREN. I mean, I think Rob Kardashian is as boring as the socks he is trying to sell to us all, but COME ON. He IS a member of the family. Is there no clearer way for Kris Kardashian to tell her family, “half of you don’t matter to me at all” than by banning her own son from the family holiday card?

FINALLY: IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A HOLIDAY CARD? This looks like it was snapped on the set of an 1980s dystopian YA novel set at an abandoned casino. There is no tree, no menorah, no candy canes, no twinkly stars, no reindeer, no cookies, no dreidel, no celebratory glasses of fizzy alcohol, no dogs in Santa hats, no holiday iconography of ANY SORT. If your holiday cards lacks any holiday symbolism at all, and ALSO lacks HALF OF YOUR FAMILY and ALSO sticks one member of your family IN A GIANT GLASS TUBE, then I argue it’s not a holiday card at all. IT’S JUST A RIDICULOUS PHOTOSHOOT. BAH HUMBUG.

[Click through the rest of the slideshow to see it close up IF YOU DARE.]



Kimye-ly Played, Kimye

Kim: Psst. Kanye.


Kim: Thanks for crawling on your hands and knees through a roughly dug trench just to get me a breast pump that works in French outlets.


Kim: It means a lot to ME.


Kim: Sorry, I just assumed because of the pants…


Kim: Let’s just get to the car.

[Photos: WENN, Splash]


Kimly Played, Kourtney Kardashian

Otherwise known as The Kurious Kase of Kourtney Kardashian, because what really strikes me about this is that I feel like they contoured Kourtney to look as much like Kim as possible, just in case Kim decides not to leave the house until she can fit into a thimble.

[Photos: WENN]


Casual Fuggerday: Kylie Jenner

This is Kylie Jenner (center) arriving at her birthday party:

In a camouflage onesie. As you do. With friends that match. I don’t know what amuses me more: A Kardashian wearing a fabric whose initial intent was to HIDE a person from prying eyes, or the use of said fabric on a zip-up suit so hideous it could not possibly escape attention. It reminds me of nothing so much as the “Pimps” and “Hos” tracksuits Britney and Kevin Federline got for their respective wedding posses. And I have this horrible suspicion that someone at least THOUGHT about ordering baby North West one of these for at-home reveling.

[Photo: INF Daily]


Fugs and Fabs: The E! Upfront

So, they had a red carpet — complete with fans! — at the E! upfronts, and yet Giuliana and Seacrest were walking the carpet rather than working it. I can’t deal with that level of self-reflexiveness.

[Photo: Getty and WENN]