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I have heard tell that Kim Kardashian is upset about gaining weight while pregnant.
I have CAPSY thoughts about this:
1) YOU’RE PREGNANT. What did you think was going to happen?
2) WE KNOW YOU’RE PREGNANT. NOBODY THINKS YOU ARE FAT. And besides, anyone who body-shames a pregnant lady can seriously shove it with knobs on.
3) You are seriously missing out on the ONE TIME in most women’s lives when they don’t have to suck in, and can in fact shove out their stomachs and go, “CHECK OUT THIS AWESOME GIANT BELLY.” It’s really fun. Bump it up! Don’t hide it! Enjoy the freedom.
4) THOSE PANTS ARE NOT FREEDOM.
5 YOUR FETUS DOES NOT WANT TO WEAR HEINOUS GROIN-RUFFLE PANTS. NOBODY DOES. WHY ARE YOU?
6) I can’t believe I’m saying this, but LET KOURTNEY BE YOUR GUIDE.
7) If gaining weight bothers you that much, JUST WEAR SOME EMPIRE-WAIST DRESSES. YOU ARE MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE.
8 ) Repeat that last one over and over, like, a lot, about whatever.
** I may need to clarify that I am not trying to say that pregnant women can’t be thrown off by the changes in their bodies. But there is a difference between that and denial. To me, wearing those pants doesn’t say, “I am feeling awkward about my changing form.” Rather, that garment, to me, is a fingers-in-ears scream of, “LA LA LA NOTHING IS
CHANGING AT ALL.” My point was, don’t let denial get in the way of biological necessity — and also, those trousers are odious. But the former is dipping into armchair psychoanalysis, so I apologize if I overstepped…
She’s dressed like an unholy hybrid of Liza Minnelli, Wynonna Judd, Dorothy Zbornak, and an interplanetary overlord. If she’s being this melodramatic about her bump when there barely IS one, then by the time she pops she’s going to be in full Jedi robes. I can’t wait. And I have never said that before with regards to anything a Kardashian has done, so you KNOW I’m expecting divine insanity.
“THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR ALL OF THE WORLD.”
“I DID NOT AUTHORIZE THAT COAT. SHE DID NOT CHECK WITH ME FIRST, WHICH IS THE WORST, ‘CAUSE NOW I’LL GET CURSED BECAUSE SHE DOVE INTO A SKUNK HEADFIRST. ALTHOUGH PEPYE LE PEW HAS A NICE RING TO IT SO MAYBE THIS IS THE BABYE TRYING TO SEND US A MESSAGE. I WISH I SPOKE EMBRYE.”
[PHOTO: INF DAILY]
I’ve heard rumblings that of the Kardashians, Khloe is the one you want to hang out with, and I believe that. Certainly she’s the one I’d pick, because she’d have all the best gossip about her family, famous people, AND the NBA. That’s a twelve martini lunch right there.
But this outfit is not good. She looks like a casino hostess who spilled beer on her sternum. And I can’t even talk about the lips. Why would you want them to match your chin? It just doesn’t make sense, Khloe. Do you not want Lamar to be able to find them? But isn’t he your lobster? He HAS to be. I noticed on your Got Milk ad that your smiles are crooked on opposite sides, so when you make out, they will match. This feels like destiny. So please wipe off the invisibility gloss and get a little life in there, while I go put myself in time out for admitting any of the aforementioned about you and Lamar’s mouths.
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR:
(Click on the pic and see this blessed kard full-size).
If last year’s card depicted a family of asshole maitre d’s, and the year before that looked like the bus ad for the third season of a cut-rate nighttime soap, then THIS year is cheery, cheery, cheery — or as cheery as you can be when your holiday card features a DEAD CAT IN A GLASS BOX. I mean, I presume that poor animal was alive when the photo was taken, and of course one doesn’t just blithely photoshop out a family member who happens to take her final jaunt up to the great catnip fields in the sky during the several weeks between your massive holiday photoshoot and the day you mail out your cards, but here is the real question: WHY IS THAT CAT IN A BOX TO BEGIN WITH? Is this some Schrodinger’s Cat joke that finally proves once and for all that the Kardashians are way smarter than anyone gives them credit for? Is the cat just trying to get as far away from Scott Disick’s bare ankles as possible? Are they trying to set me up for a “Dick in a Box”-inspired joke that is really just too dirty for me to make on this family website (and which I also can’t quite nail [no further pun intended])? Does Kim keep all her pets in the finest organizational accoutrements from The Container Store? Is this just the holiday card version of when your cat gets all stressed and decided to hide under the bed FOREVER or until you start using the can opener? HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR VISION, KARDASHIANS.
I will say, in the interest of holiday peace and joy, that — leaving aside the relative wisdom of including A CAT IN A BOX on your holiday card instead of Kanye West (in fairness, Kanye would never consent to being photographed inside a box; he can not…ahem. CAN NOT BE CONTAINED) — this card is actually kind of kute. I don’t know why Rob is being a DJ back there — is he a DJ now? I thought he was a trouser sock magnate — but everyone actually looks legitimately happy, and Scott is serving true Patrick Bateman realness, which is also HIS code for being legitimately happy. Khloe is five minutes away from “accidentally” pouring her champers onto Kris’s head, which makes ME happy, and also, I am thrilled that she and Lamar are still married because I love them together. DON’T JUDGE ME, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS.