Fugger: Various Kardashians

Fug the Card: The Kardashian Christmas Card (Kristmas Kard?) 2013

Oh my god, you guys. This card is literally so big that I can’t even fit the entire thing on this website. LOOK:

In order for it to fit, I have to shrink it down to the size of a Band-Aid, which makes me wonder if it arrives in, like, a box originally made for framed Magic Eye posters down at Ahhs. If you are on the Majestic Kardashian Khristmas Dist. List, please do let us know if that is the case. Maybe it comes already under the plexiglass it so richly deserves? (You can click on the pic and it will take you to a place where you can “view full size,” if you really want to get the whole KARDASHIAN EXPERIENCE at once, which I expect will feel like those old Hitachi Maxell ads where the dude’s hair and tie are blown back by the force).

The whole thing is so overwhelming that they had to release, like, SEGMENTS of it individually so that we could actually tell what the f is going on (which you can see if you click through the slide show). And I have so many notes. Many, many a note. First of all, there are no husbands in this photo other than poor Bruce Jenner all the way to the right, and BRUCE IS ENCASED IN A GLASS TUBE PRESUMABLY TO SILENCE HIM. He’s also the “cashier” at this Kardashian Kasino because Kris sees him as someone who is trying to tell her how to spend her riches and that’s why she’s divorcing him. As I interpret it. But, seriously. A holiday card should not take the patriarch of the family AND STICK HIM IN A GLASS TUBE LIKE A TEST SUBJECT.

Kanye and Scott Disick got excused, presumably because: a) it’s too awkward to figure out how to include Lamar in this entire thing considering that he’s currently MAYBE on crack (I hope not; Lamar and Khloe are the only ones I really like) and (b) Kanye took one look at this set-up and started laughing and couldn’t stop. He and Nori are killing time over at the Marmalade Cafe at The Grove right now and he’s STILL laughing, right into his shrimp salad.

Also absent? ANY KARDASHIAN/JENNER BOY CHILDREN. I mean, I think Rob Kardashian is as boring as the socks he is trying to sell to us all, but COME ON. He IS a member of the family. Is there no clearer way for Kris Kardashian to tell her family, “half of you don’t matter to me at all” than by banning her own son from the family holiday card?

FINALLY: IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS A HOLIDAY CARD? This looks like it was snapped on the set of an 1980s dystopian YA novel set at an abandoned casino. There is no tree, no menorah, no candy canes, no twinkly stars, no reindeer, no cookies, no dreidel, no celebratory glasses of fizzy alcohol, no dogs in Santa hats, no holiday iconography of ANY SORT. If your holiday cards lacks any holiday symbolism at all, and ALSO lacks HALF OF YOUR FAMILY and ALSO sticks one member of your family IN A GIANT GLASS TUBE, then I argue it’s not a holiday card at all. IT’S JUST A RIDICULOUS PHOTOSHOOT. BAH HUMBUG.

[Click through the rest of the slideshow to see it close up IF YOU DARE.]



Kimye-ly Played, Kimye

Kim: Psst. Kanye.


Kim: Thanks for crawling on your hands and knees through a roughly dug trench just to get me a breast pump that works in French outlets.


Kim: It means a lot to ME.


Kim: Sorry, I just assumed because of the pants…


Kim: Let’s just get to the car.

[Photos: WENN, Splash]


Kimly Played, Kourtney Kardashian

Otherwise known as The Kurious Kase of Kourtney Kardashian, because what really strikes me about this is that I feel like they contoured Kourtney to look as much like Kim as possible, just in case Kim decides not to leave the house until she can fit into a thimble.

[Photos: WENN]


Casual Fuggerday: Kylie Jenner

This is Kylie Jenner (center) arriving at her birthday party:

In a camouflage onesie. As you do. With friends that match. I don’t know what amuses me more: A Kardashian wearing a fabric whose initial intent was to HIDE a person from prying eyes, or the use of said fabric on a zip-up suit so hideous it could not possibly escape attention. It reminds me of nothing so much as the “Pimps” and “Hos” tracksuits Britney and Kevin Federline got for their respective wedding posses. And I have this horrible suspicion that someone at least THOUGHT about ordering baby North West one of these for at-home reveling.

[Photo: INF Daily]


Fugs and Fabs: The E! Upfront

So, they had a red carpet — complete with fans! — at the E! upfronts, and yet Giuliana and Seacrest were walking the carpet rather than working it. I can’t deal with that level of self-reflexiveness.

[Photo: Getty and WENN]


Kids’ Choice Fug and Fab Carpet: Kylie and Khloe

Our photo service refers to Kylie Jenner here as “personality Kylie Jenner” and as her mother surely knows, there is no worse kiss of death for an aspiring ANYTHING than to be classified as a PERSONALITY rather than a Whatever She’s Aspiring Toward. Is Kylie the one who wants to be a model? I cannot manage to extend my interest in the offspring of Kris Jenner into the actual Jenners:

That dress might actually be cute, but those shoes are Satan’s own handiwork. They’re like two little wicker demons.

The one Kardashian I actually like, however, showed up and looked cute:

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Fugthur George, by Fug Kardashian

This is kind of mean, but I need to note that I find it hilarious that Rob Kardashian’s big career move here is… becoming a sock mogul. No offense to socks, because I wear them and revel when they are comfortable, but “sock mogul” just doesn’t seem like something where you wake up one morning and realize that your passion is for artful cotton foot sheaths. Instead, sock mogulry feels like something you decide to do because you are from a family that has a LOT of money and marketing heft right now, and your mother is nagging at you to take advantage of that while you still can, but you don’t actually want to do any work.

Also, that Givenchy t-shirt is apparently $700.  It’s a Madonna (the religious icon, not the singer). And it really clashes with/draws focus from his passion socks. But all I know is, at the end of the day, for $700 a) my clothes had best not have the Pavlovian response of making people’s eyelids heavy when they look at me, and b) I’d better get more than a freaking t-shirt.

[Photo: WENN]