Fugger: Various Kardashians

FUGGING FUG FUG THE FUGFUGDIFUGS


“YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.”

“LIL’ WEST DID HIS BEST ON THIS UTERINE TEST, AND MADE A MEGA-BABY IN MY LADY’S LOVE NEST. SO WATCH OUT, BEY AND JAY, ‘CAUSE BLUE’S ABOUT TO GET PLAYED: TINY KANYE’S JOINING THE FRAY AND IT’S GONNA HAVE ITS DAY, WE’LL SEE SOME FIFTY SHADES OF YAY, AND MAYBE IT’LL BE BORN IN MAY DEPENDING ON WHEN WE DID LAY, AND BY THEN I HOPE SHE’S A DIVORCEE BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO TELL MY KID THAT MOMMY IS MARRIED TO SOME FOOL CAVEMAN FROM THE NETS. BUT MY OTHER GIFT TO THE WORLD IS THE MATERNITY WARDROBE THAT KIM’S GONNA PROCURE — YOU REST ASSURED IT’S NOT GONNA BE DEMURE LIKE RAYMOND BURR, IT MIGHT EVEN BE IMPURE LIKE A SEX TOY’S WHIRR, BUT IT’S ALL GONNA LOOK MAGICAL ON HER SO DON’T SAY ANYTHING BAD OR ELSE GRRRR.

“ALTHOUGH…”

LET US CONSIDER ANOTHER ANGLE

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Khlofug Kardashian


I’ve heard rumblings that of the Kardashians, Khloe is the one you want to hang out with, and I believe that. Certainly she’s the one I’d pick, because she’d have all the best gossip about her family, famous people, AND the NBA. That’s a twelve martini lunch right there.

But this outfit is not good. She looks like a casino hostess who spilled beer on her sternum. And I can’t even talk about the lips. Why would you want them to match your chin? It just doesn’t make sense, Khloe. Do you not want Lamar to be able to find them? But isn’t he your lobster? He HAS to be. I noticed on your Got Milk ad that your smiles are crooked on opposite sides, so when you make out, they will match. This feels like destiny. So please wipe off the invisibility gloss and get a little life in there, while I go put myself in time out for admitting any of the aforementioned about you and Lamar’s mouths.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug the Kard: The Kardashian Christmas Card


IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR:

(Click on the pic and see this blessed kard full-size).

If last year’s card depicted a family of asshole maitre d’s, and the year before that looked like the bus ad for the third season of a cut-rate nighttime soap, then THIS year is cheery, cheery, cheery — or as cheery as you can be when your holiday card features a DEAD CAT IN A GLASS BOX. I mean, I presume that poor animal was alive when the photo was taken, and of course one doesn’t just blithely photoshop out a family member who happens to take her final jaunt up to the great catnip fields in the sky during the several weeks between your massive holiday photoshoot and the day you mail out your cards, but here is the real question: WHY IS THAT CAT IN A BOX TO BEGIN WITH? Is this some Schrodinger’s Cat joke that finally proves once and for all that the Kardashians are way smarter than anyone gives them credit for? Is the cat just trying to get as far away from Scott Disick’s bare ankles as possible? Are they trying to set me up for a “Dick in a Box”-inspired joke that is really just too dirty for me to make on this family website (and which I also can’t quite nail [no further pun intended])? Does Kim keep all her pets in the finest organizational accoutrements from The Container Store? Is this just the holiday card version of when your cat gets all stressed and decided to hide under the bed FOREVER or until you start using the can opener? HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR VISION, KARDASHIANS.

I will say, in the interest of holiday peace and joy, that — leaving aside the relative wisdom of including A CAT IN A BOX on your holiday card instead of Kanye West (in fairness, Kanye would never consent to being photographed inside a box; he can not…ahem. CAN NOT BE CONTAINED) — this card is actually kind of kute. I don’t know why Rob is being a DJ back there — is he a DJ now? I thought he was a trouser sock magnate — but everyone actually looks legitimately happy, and Scott is serving true Patrick Bateman realness, which is also HIS code for being legitimately happy. Khloe is five minutes away from “accidentally” pouring her champers onto Kris’s head, which makes ME happy, and also, I am thrilled that she and Lamar are still married because I love them together. DON’T JUDGE ME, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS.

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Fugdigger


“LISTEN UP, IT’S TWELVE TWELVE, OF THE YEAR TWENTY TWELVE, AND WE’RE PERFORMING TO SAVE VICTIMS OF HURRICANE TWELVE. JUST KIDDING IT WAS SANDY,  BUT NOTHING RHYMES WITH TWELVE. SO  I’M PULLING MY THESAURUS OFF THE SHELVES AND INTO IT WE WILL DELVE I HOPE SANTA AND HIS ELVES ARE WATCHING US IMPROVE OURSELVES AND AW HELL, Y’ALL, I MADE A RHYME WITH TWELVE. I AM THE MASTER. BUT NOT THAT CRAZY CULT KIND OF MASTER FROM THE MOVIE. I AM REAL HAPPY JOAQUIN PHOENIX GOT A BEST ACTOR NOMINATION FOR THAT BUT I THINK PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN WAS THE BOMB AND IT WAS HIS YEAR, MAN, WHAT IS THIS ‘SUPPORTING ACTOR’ MALARKEY? HE IS THE BREAST, NOT THE BRA, Y’ALL. BUT THAT’S GOOD JOAQUIN, YOU GO HAVE YOUR MOMENT. IT’S COOL. I MEAN, NOT FOR PHILIP, BUT WHATEVER. SLEEP TIGHT. TWELVE.”

[PHOTOS: AWESOME FUGNATIONAL @CARISSATOPS WHO TOOK PICTURES OFF HER TV OF YOUR BELOVED KANYE WEEZY. OH, AND ALSO ONE FROM INF DAILY.]

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Fug and Fug Take Fug


Ugh.

I mean… she DOES know winning Fug Madness isn’t a COMPLIMENT, right? Why is she being so relentless? It will be impossible to resist seeding this person next March. I am not that strong in the face of her rampant fuggery. Nonsense like this must be shared and yawped over in the most gutteral tones. Can’t you leave us alone, Kardashian? Can’t you leave Fug Madness to people who do not drive us to ACTUAL madness? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING? Can’t you just STAY INSIDE for six months or just, like, shop at Banana Republic for a little while? I BEG OF YOU.

[Photo: WENN]

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Fug and Fug Fug Fug


I guess there’s a 93rd installment of Sister’s Name Drawn Out Of A Hat #1 and Sister’s Name Drawn Out Of A Hat #2 Do Something In A Fancy City. And Kim and Kourtney are shooting it.

Isn’t the idea to get BETTER at dressing yourself as you get older?

[Photos: Pacific Coast News]

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