Fugger: Tilda Swinton

Fug Madness Round Two, Madonna Bracket


(3) LEONA LEWIS vs. (6) FLORENCE WELCH

Since we saw a lot of Leona’s CRAZED and CRACKED OUT Out and About looks in her last game, let’s take a look at her on stage for this one:

That’s like what would happen if she somehow got cast in a gender-bending version of Phantom of the Opera. Which, now that I’ve thought of this, I NEED it to happen. Bieber can be Christine! He seems like the sort to get dragged down to someone’s basement/lake lair and secretly kind of like it.

This is what she’d wear if…I was going to say, “she got cast in a musical about 80s hair metal,” but I guess the real end of that sentence is, “if she ends up in Rock of Ages.”

LOOK!

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Fug Madness 2011, Round One: Madonna Bracket


FIRST, some housekeeping: Some of you are having issues with the polls working correctly! Please know that our tech dudes are working on it, but we have stumbled upon something that may help, if you find the polls coming up “closed” or if they seem to think you have already voted and you haven’t: apparently, if you comment on the post, the system will then let you vote? Clearly this is a bug, and we promise we’re at work on it, BUT that might work while we’re waiting. Plus, don’t you want to talk anyway? YOU KNOW YOU DO. ANYWAY: hopefully, you will have no technical problems as you vote on THE FOLLOWING:

(6) FLORENCE WELCH v. (11) KRISTEN STEWART

Don’t ask me why we weren’t paying closer attention to Florence Welch — or, as I’ve started thinking of her, FloWel (Flow Well?) — throughout the year. Because she is a CONTENDER:

A contender who never met a sheer overskirt that she didn’t fall MADLY in love with. Don’t believe me?

YOU SHOULD:

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BAFTA Fug Carpet: SWINTON


SWINTON wants to lull you into a false sense of security.

SWINTON

She wants you to think, “What a stylish lady in her suit.” She wants you to believe that’s all there is. She wantsyour digressions to be limited to, “I would totally let that woman do my taxes. But it’s tragic what happened to her feet. Sweet God, though, she’s tall, so if her pants are STILL hiding shoes, HOW LONG ARE THEY? Would they fit an NBA player? Are they Amar’e Stoudamire’s pants? Is she a Knicks fan? Can she grease the wheels of this Carmelo Anthony thing, please?” Because then, when she turns around, she will REALLY blow the lid off your mental Tupperware.

And maybe your actual Tupperware

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Golden Globes SWINTON Carpet: SWINTON


Twitter has been awesome for many things, and this is one: At the first SWINTON sighting on the the telecast, we received about fifty simultaneous tweets from people shrieking, “SWINTON!!!!” Because they knew we’d be doing the same thing. It was like a hug. A hug made of fug.

This photo is one unholstered pair of finger guns away from Nirvana. Because I am not sure if that’s a button-down tucked into a canary satin bridesmaid dress skirt, or if they are sewn together. And I totally don’t even care. It’s all SWINTON. She’s like, “You do not even know how to handle me. And that is how I like it.” Seriously, if Leighton Meester was clad as the fancy sister-wife in the house, then SWINTON is clearly in costume as the all-knowing First Wife who is totally hip to your needs; confident enough in her awesomeness that she doesn’t have to flash her goods at their communal man-candy because she knows that HE knows she — much like Tony Danza — is the boss; and also is totally not afraid to get up in your grill about remembering to do the shopping or that it’s your turn on Latrine Duty or that you are falling down on the job when it comes to home-schooling your kids in math. She’d be perfect: You’d never want to let her down, but you’d also be able to go to her and be all, “Dude, I am really sick of this braid, it has GOT TO GO.” And she’d be like, “I hear that,” and pull out the hedge clippers and hand you a beer.

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Fug or Fab: Tilda Swinton


File this one under, “People We Love, Who We’ve Missed Lately While She’s Been Off…Doing Whatever It Is SWINTON Does In Her Off Hours, Which Is Surely Awesome and Also Weird.”

[Photo: Splash News]

If it weren’t for the fact that the bit of interest on her shoulder looks a wee bit like a little glove, sneaking down her bodice to cop a feel, this would be almost…BORING. I am sure SWINTON is totally normal on her off-hours, but the fact remains that I like to imagine that she’s at home wearing a latex catsuit to scrub her grout, or a skirt made of bananas to shovel her formal wear through her clothes press. (I imagine SWINTON has a clothes press, like someone in Little Women — although I also like to imagine that Swinton would have stabbed Amy March for burning her manuscript. Of course, I also think that Swinton would never have allowed Laurie to marry AMY of all people.  Judging from the fact that she’s now living with both the father of her children and some young boy toy, I suspect Swinton would have made a very satisfactory Jo March indeed. And that marks the second time in as many weeks that either Heather or I have waxed poetic about Little Women, to which I say: that book is VERY INFLUENTIAL in my life. I took a class about American Women Novelists whilst I was at UCLA and the most spirited conversation we had all quarter was about how PISSED we all were that Amy ended up with Laurie and Jo married snoozeville Professor Bhaer. I mean, don’t marry Laurie if you don’t want to, Jo, but at the very least, CHOOSE YOURSELF. The entire conversation went entirely off topic, in fact, much as this post has, but that’s what happens when you have 45 book-loving English majors in one place, all of whom have been stewing about the INJUSTICE of this for approximately 20 years.) What on earth was I talking about? Oh, yes. SWINTON. I think she looks rather nice, truly.

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SWINFUG


Whenever I title a post about SWINTON the way I did this one, it makes my mind drift to the movie Swimfan, and then I decide — over and over again, forever — that somebody needs to make a movie called Swinfan, all about somebody who is a devoted follower of SWINTON’s unique fashion sense. There would be some harmless stalkery, because otherwise no one would go see it, but it would end happily when SWINTON realizes all that person wants is about an hour in her closet.

[Photo: Splash News]

And our unlikely protagonist Swinfan would leave with this dress, because all the best parties totally give out gift bags; that this one is wearable makes it so much more special.
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