Fugger: Taylor Lautner

Fugs, Fehs, and Fines: Grown-Ups 2


I mean, first of all, I can’t with this movie. A VARIETY of people are too good for this movie: Salma Hayek, Maya Rudolph, Chris Rock, Steve Buscemi, even Kevin James! (I have an inexplicable fondness for Kevin James for which I refuse to apologize.) Aly Michalka has a role as “Bikini Girl Savannah,” which… she had a LEADING ROLE on a CW show! I can only hope that’s a cameo, as the movie appears to contain many of them, because even she is too good for that. Someone will have to let me know, because the only way I will see Grown-Ups 2 is if I’m kidnapped and my captors tape my eyes open and stick me in a room where the walls are made of televisions, and all those televisions are playing Grown-Ups 2.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fugs and Fabs: Dudes at the Breaking Dawn, Part 2 Premiere


Let’s discuss a few things: 1) Not EVERY series finale novel needs to be split in half for the movie, because 2) not every series finale novel is as substantial as Deathly Hallows was, and thus 3) it’s so unlikely this movie will be any good, because did you READ the last half of that book? Much less the FIRST HALF? OY, and 4) I have the same issues with rumors that Mockingjay — a.k.a. the third Hunger Games book — will also be split in half. The last third of that one feels like she wrote it in three days under tight deadline. (And possibly under the influence of Theraflu.) Can we please stop this trend?

Okay. Thank you. I needed to get that off my chest. Now let’s relax with some men in suits.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug the Poster: Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 2


In which we learn it’s impossible to take a picture of three people running toward camera without them looking super weird and awkward. But not as super weird and awkward as a poster of Kristen Stewart and R Pattz canoodling given the uncertainty of their Epic Love, so CONGRATULATIONS, Lionsgate and Summit! PS: I have NO IDEA who that dude is behind R Pattz, and I’ve seen all the movies. He looks vaguely like Colin Farrell, so I’ve decided that some time last summer, Colin Farrell and Michael Sheen got wicked drunk together and Sheen convinced Farrell to take a minor yet pivotal role in the final Twilight movie, and his part as  — from what I can tell from his costume — a feral Seattle DJ really just took on a life of its own. I mean, listen: they have about twenty minutes of book-action left to cover in this movie, so you know they had to make up about 75% of the plot. Why NOT Colin Farrell as DJ Chaz MountainMan, a wily human who totally seduces Edward with his smooth mash-ups of olde timey 1930s love songs and the latest house music?

Or, you know, maybe it’s Jackson Rathbone and his wig is just REALLY EXTRA TERRIBLE in this one. Either works for me.

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Teen Choice Awards Fugs and Fabs: The Twilight Trio


Two out of three ain’t bad.

 

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Fug the Cover: Taylor Lautner


It makes sense that Taylor Lautner doesn’t want to spend his life being That Shirtless Wolf Who Was In Twilight That Time, but this pushes a little too far in the other direction:

I want to like it — cute boy in a suit — but it’s just so glum and charmless. The kid is 19. He should be allowed to look like a hot young adult, rather than a) one of the students featured in the Terrorist Reform School story; b) all five telltale signs of a psycho boss; c) the crabby upstart on an episode of Mad Men who makes Pete Campbell look like an easygoing noodle of a man; or d) an old-school game-show host who is really, really angry whenever anyone gets a whammy.

[Photo: Splash News]

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Hilariously Played, Robert Pattinson’s Hair


Poor R Pattz can’t get a break in terms of his hair. He spent most of the Twilight movies running around looking like Edward hadn’t washed his hair since he was a mortal, and now he has to promote Breaking “Crazy Sex Scene, Weird Baby Stories” Dawn like THIS.

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