Fugger: Kate Hudson
LEA: Nonsensical musings!
KATE: Ludicrous lexicography!
LEA: Wackadaisical textual fib fireworks!
KATE: Okay, fine, GOD, you don’t have to be all showy about it.
[Photos: Getty, Splash]
working out with Tracy Anderson (also Gywnnie’s trainer. COINCIDENCE? OR EVIDENCE??) is keeping her in fine fettle. But what of the gown? Beware, basically bare butt cheeks lurk within.
First off: there is nothing wrong with this (although I think the pants are an eighth of an inch too long), and I thank the stars and sandwiches above us that the Venice Film Festival has started, so THINGS ARE HAPPENING AGAIN that aren’t just, like, “Kate Walsh Looks At Watermelons At Whole Foods!” — no offense to Kate Walsh, as I am sure even she thinks that looking at watermelons is fairly prosaic. HOWEVER:
When I saw this in thumbnail form in our image provider, I thought it was Gwyneth Paltrow, and then I decided, YES. Kate Hudson needs to make a movie in which she cracks her head on the edge of her toilet and wakes up as a sociopath hellbent on Single White Female-ing Gywneth Paltrow…no matter what the cost. I don’t mean that I want GOOP and Hudson to star in a remake of SWF. I mean that I want this movie to feature Kate Hudson playing EVIL KATE HUDSON and Gwynnie playing herself…except herself as terrified of Kate Hudson. And obviously, no one else in GOOP’s life believes that Kate Hudson is trying to kill/ruin/destroy her, because….you know. It’s Kate Hudson. “It’s just Kate Hudson,” Chris Martin would say, briefly looking up from his piano. “She’s harmless. Didn’t you see How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days? Actually, that reminds me: she called and asked me if I wanted to get drinks this week.” And then Kate Hudson would start a lifestyle newsletter called HUUD, all about the organic citrus she’s cultivating in Malibu with her friend Wolfgang Puck, and the best places to stay in cities around the world (“If you’re going to be in Jakarta, this hotel called The Four Seasons is lovely“). And then Gucci starts giving KATE all the best white double-breasted blazers, not Gwynnie. And the movie climaxes, of course, on the roof of the aforementioned Indonesian Four Seasons, with a full on-Kate Hudson/Gwyneth Paltrow bitch-fight in which they are BOTH wearing this suit and ripping each other’s $3000 blonde extensions out. Who will fall to her death, and who will live to become/remain Gwyneth Paltrow? You will just have to see the movie.
Someone tweeted us, “Well, I think Kate Hudson won the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.”
Hard to argue — I mean, you know about my struggle with topknots, yet the updo is totally working for me. Or, to keep up the sports parlance, she didn’t merely win it; she took it in a four-game sweep. Pitched a shut-out. Had a triple-double. Double-eagled to win the Masters. Threw six TDs and no picks. Served an ace to take it 6-0, 6-0, 6-0, because she’s so badass, she’s playing best of five. Caught the Golden Snitch, yet conveniently ONLY at a time when the other team wasn’t already ahead by more than 150 points (oh, Quidditch, I will never be able to love you truly). In other other words, I love her in purple sequins, and I’m totally going to do some crunches now.