“Oh, don’t PATRONIZE me. I know what this is. I’m pregnant, and everyone wants me to get married, so the only thing anyone wants me to have is some dumb satin sack with some dumb glittery bodice like I am some dumb shotgun bride. Well, I’m ENGAGED, isn’t that ENOUGH? If you won’t give me a fishtail hem the size of New Jersey or a ballerina dress so short I could give birth in it, or a necktie that’s taller than Tom Brady, then can’t you leave a girl and her bejeweled bird-dropping headpiece ALONE with the appetizers and a seltzer? GOD.”
Fugger: Kate Hudson
I know exposed zippers are all the rage, but I tend not to be a fan. Obviously sometimes when they’re worked into the design in an edgy way, they can make sense; by and large, though, they’re too distracting. It’s the same reason I abhor clear shoes or tons and tons of toe cleavage: There is nothing sexy about peeling back those curtains. The way feet pinch and scrunch into shoes isn’t an alluring peekaboo so much as a surefire way to make people wince and wonder if you need to sit down for a second, and when you’re looking more at what’s fastening a dress than you are at the actual dress, to me that bespeaks a design mistake. Don’t give people an excuse to look at the tree rot in some of your majestic oaks, when the forest itself looks really stellar from a distance, you know?
So pardon me for being unable to gauge this dress, but I’m too busy staring at the giant metal teeth ripping through her right side, with what looks like a matching hanky — but is probably just a weirdly placed ruffle — cleaving itself to her hip. It’s messier than my room, and when you consider that I haven’t had a chance to put away my laundry in three days, that’s saying rather a lot.
I am SO confused by what’s happening on the set of Something Borrowed:
[Photo: Splash News]
A) I’ve read the book — it’s really quite a good read, actually. Perfect for summer — and Kate Hudson is IDEAL casting for this part. However;
B) Every time I see shots from the set, people are dressed like lunatics and I do not recall the book being set in either the Olden Days (as one might glean from Kate’s I Work At a Pottery Store Circa 1979 But Today I’m Closing Up Early and Going to the Book Release Party for Our Bodies Ourselves ensemble pictured here) or in Wackytown. But:
C) When I went to my bookshelf to confirm this, I accidentally knocked over about eight books right onto my head, one of which was, in fact, Something Borrowed. So:
D) That’s either the universe telling me to mind my own business, OR the universe telling me that I have hit the nail on the head (so to speak) and the costumes for this joint are, in fact, wacktacular. I guess time will tell.
STELLA MCCARTNEY: My skirts get shorter every year! TAKE THAT, GYWNNIE.
LIV TYLER: My outfit has a train, just like Stella’s. Because what every extremely basic sheath — the likes of which one would wear to the wedding of an only moderately tolerated coworker — needs is a TRAIN! If you’re crazy.
KATE HUDSON: CHECK OUT MY NEW CLEAV!
STELLA: Kate, I thought we talked about this.
LIV: Yeah! We were all going to wear short dresses with trains, and black open-toed shoes, because there is NOTHING cuter than three thirtysomething lady friends showing up at parties wearing matching outfits, right?
KATE: Yeah, but I look hot.
STELLA: And we….?
LIV: What are you saying?
KATE: You guys look kinda weird, honestly. I’m just not feeling the trains. Although if you didn’t have them, you’d just look like you were running late for a sorority meeting. So…yeah, good luck with that. On the other hand, I look like a movie star.
STELLA: How dare you! I am so bringing this up at the next meeting of the Moderately Successful Offspring of Wickedly Successful Performers! You are going to get fined so hard!
KATE: Bring it. I lived through Bride Wars. I can take you.