Fugger: Justin Bieber

AMAs Fug Carpet: Justin Bieber


I wish I were joking, and that these belonged to Mickey Rourke. Not so.

[Photos: Getty]

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Bieberly Biebered: Bieber


No matter what Justin Bieber puts on, he always looks like a 14-year old playing dress-up. It’s like sorcery. Ill-advised sorcery.

[Photos: Getty]

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Teen Choice Awards Bierberly Played: Bieber


“Word up, sex people. Welcome to the Bieb-0210, where we dress for the war zone that is my hotel bed — a.k.a., that place where I get out my incredibly heavy artillery and lay you down and do the things I read about in my mom’s Cosmo back issues, which I keep in a binder labeled ’50 Shades of HEYYYYYY.’ Selena is all, ‘WHAT? Nobody does that with Tabasco sauce,’ and I’m all, ‘DON’T THEY, SUGARFACE?’ and then she’s like, ‘Ugh, I need a beer,’ and I’m all, ‘GOOD ‘CAUSE PHINEAS AND FERB IS ON ANYWAY.’ Um, I mean, come and get up in my frisky business, ladygirls.”

[Photos: Getty]

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MuchMusic Awards 2012 Fug Carpet: What Was Going ON Up There?


You guys, I think Katy Perry MIGHT be trying to tell us something. Whatever could it be?

[Photos: INF, Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Bieberly Biebered: Bieber


“What up, foxes. It’s me. The Leaning Tower of Bieber. Want to scale me? Like my body is your Amazing Race and Phil is hiding in my hair and the first one to the mat gets a jet ski and a lawn gnome, or some shit? Oops, sorry, Mom. She asked me not to swear. She also asked me to stop tucking my big-boy pants into my kicks, but I’m all, ‘MOOOOM, only OLD PEOPLE wear pants that go all the way down,’ and she was all, ‘YOUR pants will go all the way down if you don’t tie them to your underwear,’ and I was all, ‘Peace out, Mommy, that’s why I have a pocket chain, it hooks to my tighties,’ and she was all, ‘You smell like Drakkar Noir,’ and I was like, ‘MOM I’M A RAPPER NOW LEAVE ME ALOOOONE,’ and so she texted Selena and told her to stay home. So I’m PROWLIN’, HONEY BABIES. You feel me? Come feel me. I got room for two in this hoodie.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Fugs and Fehs: Wango Tango


Wango Tango is a concert that KIIS-FM (the local pop-music station here in Los Angeles) organizes every May, and which generally features a LOT of artists who are intensely popular but ultimately kind of flashes in the pan, mixed in with people like Britney. If you want to feel old, you should look at the Wikipedia compendium of past line-ups, as they are kind of brilliant time capsules of pop culture. For example, the ’98 line-up included Hootie and the Blowfish, Vonda Shepard (!), Paula Cole and Meredith Brooks, Olivia Newton John (???) and N-freaking SYNC, who were not even the headliners (that honor went to Mariah Carey, which is fair). 1999 had — among others — Ricky Martin and Britney, a girl I’ve never heard of who doesn’t even have a Wiki page anymore and who therefore isn’t even officially alive, and Fab of Milli Vanilli in the midst of his failed attempt to be a solo artist. The following year, N*SYNC headlined (that may have been the year I personally saw N*SYNC at the Rose Bowl and had an argument with the 12 year old in front of me about whether or not JC was my boyfriend or hers [I let her win when I realized what for me was "an argument" was for her DEADLY SERIOUS. I realized this when she asked me if JC and I had "an anniversary" (we do not).]) and there were two bands I’ve literally never heard of, plus Sisqo (remember when you couldn’t get in your car without hearing “The Thong Song”? Personally, I am much more a fan of its contemporary “Hot In Herre”), and J. Simp…backed up by Nick Lachey. You guys, that page is a total wormhole and you should go procrastinate there. Get ready to say things like, “OMG REMEMBER O-TOWN?” And then come back and look at all the fools Hologram Me is going to be waxing rhapsodic about in 2022.

[Photos: Getty and WENN]

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