Fugger: Jessica Biel

Fugs and Fabs: The Tiffany Blue Book Party


Some of these women look INSANE and other looks glorious and I hate to say it, but Jessica Biel is really working it. Maybe her surprisingly good Fug Madness run scared her straight.

[Photos: Getty]

 

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Oscars Finely Played Carpet: Jessica Biel in Chanel Couture


This is both a perfectly fine dress, and — I think — a very understandable statement of, “To all you people who thought I was hiding in our apartment because I am pregnant, I kindly present to you: my bod.”

She’s got a great necklace, some bracelets, and enough lip color that she does not look recently expired, all of which are massive checks in the “yes” column. It might be pulling weirdly in her thigh region, but that’s nothing compared to my real beef: her hair in her face. And they kept doing this terrible camera at the Oscars where the presenters had to turn away from the audience and face downstage left to present their awards, and never did I want to reach through the screen and jam a barrette in her face more than that moment. You have two eyes. USE THEM BOTH. And yet, with only one, she was one of the few people who did not flub her lines, so maybe her right eye IS totally inconsequential and she knows better than I do. Wouldn’t be the first time. BUT IT WILL BE THE LAST. What am I even saying? I’m so tired, you guys. I keep typing “Jerrica Bill” which really should be her next hotel pseudonym.

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel


It’s amazing how much more positively I respond to Jessica Biel when she isn’t sporting The Bangs of Doom:

Has she worn color at all since she and JT got hitched? The answer appears to be Not Really. Maybe this is the twenty-first century version of newly married women wearing their hair up after years of allowing it to flow virginally about their shoulders. Maybe she’s confusing “monogamous” with “monochromatic.” Regardless: this isn’t terrible, right? I mean, I’m BORED. I’m, like, deeply, deeply bored by her wardrobe lately. But I’m not MAD. And I love the shoes.

Are YOU mad?

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[Photo: Splash]

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Fugs and Fabs: The Dior/Guggenheim Event


Remember when I couldn’t figure out why Natalie Portman’s face looked slightly different? Well, I saw a before-and-after in Us Weekly (I think) about how she changed the arch of her eyebrows, and I think that really is what I was noticing. Never let it be said that print magazines have nothing left to teach us.

[Photos: Splash, Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel


I am beginning to wonder if I am incapable of being unbiased about Biel right now. Not because of any silly (or not-so-silly) Timberlake rumors or because every time I read an interview with her, I kind of roll my eyes, but because I am so pleased she’s finally lost those wretched bangs for good, and now I keep being reminded that she is so very very pretty:

I think this is Chanel — I believe this is at least a Chanel-adjacent event, as El Lagerfeld was in the house and it LOOKS like Chanel and also I believe her clutch has the Chanel Intertwined Cs Bedazzeled Upon It, and essentially, it has to be Chanel. I just convinced myself. Aren’t you excited you got to live through my live-blogging my decision whether or not something is Chanel?! You’re so lucky. Anyway, it’s….interesting. I don’t know if the shoulder piece/necklace is part of the dress, or an add-on (I assume it’s part and parcel), and if the dress itself were to end in shorts, it’d be uncomfortably close to a romper last seen on Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company, but as a whole it feels weird in a way that’s sort of fresh. As opposed to weird in a way that is rancid.

So do your civic duty:

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[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel


In case you wondered, yes, Jessica Biel does own some pants that are opaque.

And part of me thinks this is successful on her. It’s flattering, it’s cool, and it’s not transparent. But the rest of me would’ve gone for edgier makeup, so that she looked more like some kind of swanky badass Bond villain, and less like the country riding instructor who’s been invited to her rich boyfriend’s weekend fox hunt and she didn’t have big enough luggage to bring a dinner frock.

Do not doubt; shout it out:

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[Photo: Getty]

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