Fugger: Jessica Biel

Fugth Heaven: Jessica Biel in Monse

This thing is custom:

jessica biel baby 2 baby

You guys, what are we doing? If this is what passes for custom high-fashion, we should be hot-glue-gunning baby blankets to some old sack and sticking a five-figure price tag on it. WE WILL BE RICH. My flaming rage hand says mama needs the expensive pain-killers.

[Photo: Getty]


Recent Fugs or Fabs: Jessica Biel in Balmain and Valentino

I guess she really is back! We saw Biel out on the town with Timberlake last week, and then she made it to two events over the weekend. I admit, I kind of forgot how extremely good-looking she is, facially┬áspeaking. She’s like….did you ever read that article about how facial symmetry makes our brains believe other people are attractive? (The example of a facially symmetric hot person was Halle Berry, which is highly accurate.) Every time I look at Biel, I think something along the lines of, “She is really good-looking. Her face is so EVEN.”

That said, this outfit is moderately cray:

2015 GLSEN Respect Awards

That is A LOT of ruffles. Ruffled sleeves, ruffled shoulders, a ruffled skirt. Honey, you should have just brought a bag of Ruffles and made a night of it.

Her look the next evening was, I think — FEEL FREE TO DISAGREE — more successful, although it’s also quite ruffly:

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Fugs and Fabs: The Fashion Group International Gala

We saw Diane Kruger’s offering; now let’s check out the rest, headlined by The Return of the Biel. (Is their portmanteau Timbielake or is that too confusing?)

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]


Fugs and Fabs: People Wearing Stuff to the Airport

Because we cannot get enough of seeing what other people chose to put on their bodies before getting on a plane. (In one of these, Rihanna is toting her own sleeping bag, I think. Rihanna appears to be a woman who is committed to REALLY SLEEPING while in transit, which I respect.)

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]


Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel in Giambattista Valli

There are A LOT of reasons why I think it would be occasionally unpleasant to be a celebrity. You can’t gain ten pounds without everyone wondering if you’re pregnant, you can’t go to the market for ice cream during a break-up without seeing your pain all over the cover of Us Weekly (or, worse, seeing your ex all over someone on the cover of Us Weekly), people are potentially hiding in your bushes, and of course there are a bunch of evil, evil bitches waiting to note that you look like you got dressed in the dark. (That one at least seems easiest to fix; people wear different clothes every day, so maybe tomorrow you will look as if you dressed in the light! Keep hope alive!) THAT BEING SAID:

Jessica Biel in Giambattista Valli at Tiffany's Event (1)

Having to pop over to Paris to open a new Tiffany & Co there does NOT seem like a hardship. And for my money, actually, neither does this dress.

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[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Fugs and Fabs: The Tiffany Blue Book Party

Some of these women look INSANE and other looks glorious and I hate to say it, but Jessica Biel is really working it. Maybe her surprisingly good Fug Madness run scared her straight.

[Photos: Getty]



Oscars Finely Played Carpet: Jessica Biel in Chanel Couture

This is both a perfectly fine dress, and — I think — a very understandable statement of, “To all you people who thought I was hiding in our apartment because I am pregnant, I kindly present to you: my bod.”

She’s got a great necklace, some bracelets, and enough lip color that she does not look recently expired, all of which are massive checks in the “yes” column. It might be pulling weirdly in her thigh region, but that’s nothing compared to my real beef: her hair in her face. And they kept doing this terrible camera at the Oscars where the presenters had to turn away from the audience and face downstage left to present their awards, and never did I want to reach through the screen and jam a barrette in her face more than that moment. You have two eyes. USE THEM BOTH. And yet, with only one, she was one of the few people who did not flub her lines, so maybe her right eye IS totally inconsequential and she knows better than I do. Wouldn’t be the first time. BUT IT WILL BE THE LAST. What am I even saying? I’m so tired, you guys. I keep typing “Jerrica Bill” which really should be her next hotel pseudonym.

[Photos: Getty]