[Photos: AKM-GSI, Splash]
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[Photos: AKM-GSI, Splash]
If we’ve learned anything from the Emmys, it’s that this is a tough color to wear correctly.
And this is not the way to do it — it’s the wrong combination of consumptive makeup and a whole lot of dress. We here at GFY HQ have a major soft spot for J.Lo.Hew and she’s had a tough year, so we don’t blame her for trying to inject a little sunshine via a day-glo demi-caftan. In fact, we applaud her for resisting the urge to go full caftan and bunny slippers. But, in the Fantasy Stylist spirit: I think I’d fix this by snipping either the sleeves or the skirt, just so there’s less of all the glaring yellow, then prescribe a red lip. But really, it probably needs to be a richer, gentler yellow — more dijon than canary. What would you do, Fug Nation? Embrace her with your tender healing aura.
Two days, two message tee shirts, this one actually snapped in front of a massage parlor LIKE THE ONE IN HER SHOW. You can not convince me she didn’t call the paparazzi to tell them where she was, especially since this was snapped in Studio City and not at, like, the massage parlor across from the Ivy (there isn’t one, but it might do big business; think about it, Kitson).
Do I think she looks BAD, given that she’s just out running errands (a: pick up dry-cleaning, b: return library books, c: call paps and pose for relaxed, appealing candid shots, d: vajazzle, e: pick up asthma meds)? No. Do I think it’s totally possible that, within 6-1o working days we’re going to hear that she’s launching a line of message tee shirts to go with her new relationship/advice/lifestyle book? I’ll bet you ten bucks.
Eventually, I am going to take out an ad in The Hollywood Reporter, and it’s going to be addressed to Jennifer Love Hewitt:
GIRL. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR HEART, BROKEN OR OTHERWISE. WE KNOW. Is what it will say. I may also mention something about Vajazzeling and habitually dating one’s co-stars and publicizing the fact that you’ve already picked out your own engagement rings PLURAL, but a heart-related moratorium may cover it.
[Photo: Pacific Coast News]
Look, ma, no bandages:
Is it perfect? No. There is absolutely no reason for the nylons in this scenario, and the dress is creasing in weird spots. But I think it’s so much more eye-catching than what she usually wears. It’s not that Jennifer doesn’t have the body for a bandage dress; she does. She’s got a great figure. But oftentimes, great figures are done a disservice when you’re aching so hard for people to look at them. Here, she’s relaxing a little, and it’s a striking, flattering change. We can still see the hourglass; we just aren’t looking at every grain of sand passing through it.
Have you ever had to contemplate being a Get-A-Grip friend? Like, telling your beloved bestie that her favorite pair of jeans, the ones that bring her so much joy and that she thinks are lucky and make her ass look so good, actually do the opposite? That’s kind of how I feel about Jennifer Love Hewitt here.
She seems nice. We’ve said that before. We just think she needs girlfriends. Real ones, who would’ve told her not to write that dating advice book from a few years ago, for instance. Or who would finally sit her down and say, “Bandage dresses. I do not think they do what you think they do.” Hewitt’s got a great figure. She comes off very charming whenever she’s on the late-night shows. She’s aging very well. She can be self-deprecating. And she has bad luck with boys. I just want her to pull it together and be happy. But she keeps stuffing herself into these things that juggle her assets in a really, really unfortunate way — like she has fallen prey to the old thinking that if it zips, and your stomach looks flat in it, then it fits and is awesome and you should by ten in every color. When in fact this is just awkward and bumbling for me. Honey, you are fit. We see it. We believe you. Now do that fitness some proper favors.
The dress, here, is kind of beside the point — it would probably be fine, were it not for her bra’s extreme enthusiasm in the face of flashbulbs.
It’s the tights I want to discuss. Kate Middleton’s shiny opaque leg dressings made the world wonder if nude hose would come back in, and I have to say, my personal vote is that I sincerely hope not. They give JLH’s legs a disturbingly Miss Piggy-esque sheen. Muppets are great, and all, but I don’t want to look like one.
[Photo: Splash News]