Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Lopezly Lopezed, Jennifer Lopez


“Hola, lovers.”

“No, no caps lock today, lovers. I am just blowing through town, like a wind of your envy, saying hello at some blah-blah hosted by whatever where I have to sit by a pool or something and let people look my abs and then cry. I do not mean to make them feel sad — I wore my most innocent tiny outfit! — but I cannot help being yo, and sometimes, yo is going to make you feel bad about not having an expensive trainer and a very young boy toy. Such is life, such is Lopez,  no?

Does this help at all?

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react:

Jenny From The Fug


“HOLA LOVERS. Escuchan, I just want to wish Mariah Carey the bestest of buena suerte on Lopez Idol, which they will now have to rename to Shriekypants Idol or whatever. I think she is going to be very okay on this show while its ratings sink into a toilet that does not have gardenias in it. And no, lovers, I am NOT wearing this shirt as a symbol of the fact that no matter what Crazycakes does on this show, the memory of yo will always be there, LURKING UNDERNEATH and IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGET and ALL YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SEE. No. If I wanted to say that I would just say it with my MOUTH and not my bra. See you someplace where I am wearing sequins! Besos, J.”

[Photo: Bauer-Griffin]

react:

Fug.Lo


“HOLA LOVERS.

“You know who I am tired of? THE QUEEN. She prances around so smug, ‘Oh, look at me, I have been sitting on this throne thing for a hundred years,’ and, ‘Lookit, we have CARRIAGES and BOATS,’ and, ‘Check out all my GUARDS with their FURRY HAT THINGS,’ blah blah blah> Well I TOO have a furry hat thing. And I TOO have a throne, except it is made of PEOPLE. And I have boats and I do not have a carriage right now lovers but I have had three MARRIAGES and that is pretty much the same — you just get dragged around from point A to point B and you can’t get off until you scream or it just stops. SO. I’m coming for you, Mrs. Queen. You think you have the Olympics? Well I HAVE AN OPENING CEREMONY TOO:

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react:

Fug the Cover: J.Lo


“HOLA LOVERS. So, the other day, I said to my man-boy, ‘You know what I want to be on? Good Housekeeping.’ Because there is nobody who is better at house keeping than yo. Miran, lovers, I am EXCELENTE at keeping a house. Why would you NOT keep it? Why would you SELL it when you could just go there sometime when you’re sick of one of your OTHER houses? I am the master, lovers! So I called the Good Housekeeping and they said, ‘HAHAHAHAHAAHAH,’ which I think was so sweet, lovers — they were so happy they were giggling!! — and then they said, ‘Yes, it will be great, sooooooooo America,’ but because they were SO SO MUY happy, they wrote it down wrong and OOPS, I am only on the cover for South Africa. But I don’t remember posing for this. Is that even my body? It might just be my head that they put on top of a First Prize ribbon for some local fair. Shhh, do not tell, but I am not okay with that, lovers. Jennifer Lopez Etc. does not have to ADVERTISE that she is first prize and she does not PRETEND THINGS (unless I have to pretend something, like how I pretended I liked this cover, in which case, I do it so well that you cannot tell because I AM A PROFESSIONAL). In fact, lovers, this revista is so strange. I do not WANT easy home makeovers — I want expensive ones, because if it does not cost six figures then it is not worth doing, si? And you cannot upcycle furniture. I tried to put Marc’s Wednesday coffin in the upcycling bin one time and they would not take it because they said it was too covered in strange stains. And I do not want to buy clothes for winter. What, is South Africa in some upside-down place where summer is winter? HAHAHA! It’s loco, lovers. Do not buy my magazine… more than once. Besos!”

react:

Fug the Show: American Idol FINALE! FINALMENTE!


“HOLA LOVERS. I told you. I told you I would wear something shocking and fabuloso, just in case this is my last Lopez Idol and they have to change the name of this to Blige Idol or Gwen Idol or Tom Hanks’s Wife Idol or whatever. (Psst: Do not tell but I will stay if they pay me as much as Britney is getting from Simon Cowell, and also if they build me a bonita glittery disease bubble.) I call this outfit Joan of Arcercise, because on my show here, I am the beautiful young warrior who fights Evil(smith) and looks good in pants and probably also has God’s iPhone number. What, lovers? I need it. He got me out of a jam a few times, like when Marc tried to make my spleen INTO jam. You don’t want to know. Or at least not until I write a book you can buy, lovers.”

react:

Fug the Show: American Idol, Three to Two


“Hola, lovers. Shh. Can you hear it? That is the sound of FREEDOM and it is SO CLOSE, lovers, I can taste it, and it has the flavor of Vitamin C. What, you think I am not going to load up after six months sitting next to Aeroshrivel? HAHHAHAHA you are so cute, lovers.”

react: