Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

On The Fug


“HOLA LOVERS. You will not believe this. Tres horas. TRES. That is how long I talked to him about Argo and Oscars and my hotel room number and how I am available to act in things right now and also does he maybe need to get a divorce. Eschuchanme: I do not care if your heart is achy-breaky. If you look like this and you are not Ben Affleck, YOU NEED TO WEAR A SIGN, LOVERS. Is that a law? IT WILL BE.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Fugs and Fabs: the TopMan TopShop TopOpening


We’re ALL excited that we have a TopShop in Los Angeles now. Even the people who came out to celebrate it looking INSANE.

[Photos: Getty]

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Grammy Awards Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LEGGERS.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug the Cover: J.Lo on People


“HOLA, LOVERS.”

“It is true, lovers. No tengo regrets. Ay, si, you could put this cover in a pipe and smoke it and get a crack high (do not, lovers; drugs are like Marc: sinister and they smell weird and posiblemente out to get in your veins and kill you). But es BUENO that my hair looks like refried Betsey Johnson! Es excelente that I look like I got stuck trying to do the splits! Es fabuloso that I look like I am screaming in pain because have YOU ever tried to do a split, lovers, and then HELD IT THERE while your Lopez felt like it was cracking? And I am tan alegre, lovers, that they put a picture of Adele kissing a trophy I have never won while I am crawling around on the floor maybe planning to pounce on you like a jungle cat, and Britney is there saying, “Oh heyyyy, you all, I am not nutso anymore, love me Justin.” Por que? Two reasons, lovers. Uno: I have to make it FAIR. For reasons that are maybe a little bit full of lies but whatever, People cannot pick the same Most Beautiful Person every year. Nobody in el mundo will believe that I am not still and forever the most beautiful person who ever straddled the floor, so I have to help out the people at People by looking less beautiful all the time, and then also when they pick me again in two years people will be like, “Ay, yes, and she has put those weird fangs away!” And second, lovers, I won American Idol week. Mariah who? Nicki Minwhat? ME. So do not feel sad for me, lovers, and do not feel sad for the person on my team who got fired for this or for the people at People who I tried to get fired before I understood that this was my destiny. I sent a ham.”

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Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez


“Psst. Man boy. Face front.”

“I did not dress like a naked lady in the snow for you to sit there looking all pinchy. Behave or you cannot have el coche tomorrow to go buy high-tops at the mall with your friends and I will not give you money for the Sbarro. SI, YOU HEARD YO.

“Ahem. HOLA LOVERS.

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Fug.Lo, a.k.a. Jenny From The Blahk


“Hola, lovers.

“Look at him. He doesn’t even know. Ay, well, he REALLY does not know that the light on his pantalones changed their color and makes it look like he borrowed his math teacher’s shins, but MOSTLY, he does not know that this Obama event we are at? It is my destiny, lovers. Can you imagine? La Lopez as your First Lady? Si, I know, he is married to the lady whose shoulders America loves, but: Did she ever have a show? Was she a judge on Michelle Idol? Did she wear catsuits made of glitter and air while singing about tongues and floors and things? No. And once el presidente sees me in this dress that is ripping off my body, he will say, ‘Ay, Jennifer, you are the dream that I woke up from last night and then cried a little because I thought your thigh could not be real,’ and I would say, ‘Oh, it is real, and by the way, I have a lifetime supply of free razors,’ and he will swoon. And lovers, psst, but I could arm-wrestle his esposa under a table. And once she was under that table I would handcuff her to it and then forge her signature on some divorce papers and then become First Lady and then BOOM I run for president. And then I hire my old Marc as my Secretary of State and Defense Things because you know who terrorists do not want to cross? Vampires. And then just to make sure he knows I am LA PRESIDENTE of his UNIVERSE I will send him a copy of Secretary, which is the one where Maggie Thingenhaal gets hired by a very bossy racehorse. Anyway, lovers, wish me luck! If it does not work, at least I won’t have to move to a house that is teeny tiny compared to my mansion, so do not cry. Well, not for ME. Cry for HIM. He will be sad not to know first-hand how I can rock a floor. Besos!”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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