Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Casual Fuggerday (and Coverday): Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS.

“I am back on the set of Lopez Idol III: Yes, and to show the little people what it takes to be a superstar like me, I am standing in the bathroom with my denim dickey — which, lovers, is what I used to call one of my bodyguards; his name was Dick, or maybe Keith — and giving the world a peek at my estomago, which is made of moisturizer and granite. Which, shh, lovers, is also my secret recipe exfoliant that I would use whenever Marc spilled his O-positive breakfast on me. No disrespect to Bat Assfleck. Except ALL disrespect to Blah Batfleck, because I do not appreciate what he is doing lately, lovers. You this this is not about me? You think it is not a MESSAGE to me, that the man I tolerated before I married the vampire has turned around and agreed to play A BAT in a movie?!? Like he is Marc Jr., but giant, and sexy, and not undressing my spleen with his ojos? Stop being so obsessed with me, Stalkfleck. Here is my message for YOU:

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Dramatically Played, Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS. You may think I would be hurt or sad that none of my lovers saved up their pennies to nominate me for a Walk of Fame star until now. And yes, esp osible I sat at home and shouted things about how CONFUSING it is that people do not know what true love is, and how it so OBVIOUSLY involves $30,000 and lots of letter-writing and WHY WOULD YOU NOT WRITE FOR ME, when I WRITE SO MANY SONGS ABOUT BLOCKS AND FLOORS AND THINGS FOR YOU. But ssh, lovers, we will not fight. Because I know now that I did not want one star on the Walk of Fame. I got THE HISTORIC 2500TH STAR. I AM THE BEST ONE. So SUCK ON IT, Blockstreet Boys and Olympics Dukakis and James Frango and your stars that were not THE HISTORIC 2500TH STAR. It is like being runner-up for most beautiful woman on the planet (which is not a feeling I would know about, lovers, because I came in first, but don’t brag about that for me please because that is rude to brag). BESOS.”

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amfAR Inspiration Gala Lopez Carpet: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS.

“It is yo, dressed in the most expensive wrapping paper on The Block, porque tonight I am getting a gift so I wanted to give a gift, and the gift is LOPEZ. Lovers, I am, ahora, the most important humanitarian of forever, voted on by the Anthrax Foundation or whatever. And do you know why it is true, lovers? Do you know why I am getting a statue because of how I just give and give and give? It is because I am a lover, lovers.

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Fug It Up


“HOLA LOVERS. I am the spider. My chest is my web. You are the flies. Lovers, I know this ends with you dying, pero know you will at least be smothered here, in paradise, by AMOR.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Fug: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS. I have a secret. It is why I wear windows for clothes all the time. Do you want to hear? Come close: I am bored. I miss Marc. It is so BLAH when I do not have to make weapons out of toothpicks, or build up immunity to rat poison so that my blood is always murder-y.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Met Ball Well Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS.”

“I do not have time for one-night themes. My whole life is a theme. The theme of how I cannot be tamed. Not by music mogul, not by backup dancer who I only married because I thought he was one of the Judds and not just a Judd, not by Beardfleck, not by vampire, not by whatever it is that I am dating now, and not by some invitation to a thingy the Mets are doing about punk. So I come here with the eyeliner and the hair that is bigger than Marc, and I am animalistic and naked and sheery, like the jungle cat you pay to see on safari and secretly hope will eat Nicki Minaj, and I will somehow still seem like I am being punk even though I am not. It is because of my MAGIC. I am like that Harry Potter but without the sad bits and all the pointy sticks and pets (although, lovers, I do think I have four houses). My secret power is that you will love me even when I am ignoring the rules. The Lopez does not bend to the world; the world bends to the Lopez.”

[Photo: Getty]

 

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