Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Fashion Rocks Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Versace


“HOLA LOVERS. We must talk. Sometimes we learn to live with less, lovers. Times are difficult. I am trying to live without as much sex with that guy whose name I could not ever remember so I just called him Beau, and I must learn to be not so selfless. I give and give and give, lovers, so that you can live and live and live, but sometimes I cannot let you have all of me. And so you will only have East Leg City today. The party is over and Leonardo DiCaprio is bleeding and West Leg is closed. Because sometimes, lovers, I think that you can only cope with half of a Lopez. You can have my metal necktie and my peek of labia and my shoulders that are sculpted from stone and hope, but the buffet is not All You Can Eat tonight. You will devour The Lop and I will keep the Ez for when I need it most. Thank you for understanding, lovers, although shh, you did not have a choice. The Lop owns you.”

[Photos: Splash]

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VMAs Fug or Fab: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS. I am forty-five years old. Would you like to see what forty-five looks like?

Jennifer Lopez at the VMAs

“But, psst. This is not just what forty-five looks like. It is what personal trainers and young nubile dancer boyfriends and juice cleanses and veganizings and being fed unicorn blood for five years by a vampire mystic ex-husband and selling a pair of my shoes to the devil and buying eight different stomach machine thingies from late-night television and sitting next to Harry Connick Jr. and diets where you do not chew and stylists and THE DANCE and and genetics and water and THE LOPEZ and cryogenic magic chambers and beds made from organic grass-fed macrobiotic love looks like. But let us just call that forty-five because that is so hard to fit in a magazine headline.”

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[Photo: Getty]

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Fugs and Fugs: Rita Ora and Iggy Azalea


With bonus HOLA LOVERS.

[Photos: AKM-GSI, Fame/Flynet]

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Teen Choice Awards Green Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab


“HOLA LOVERS. I have a tip. Aging: do not do it.”

Jennifer Lopez at the Teen Choice Awards

“Because one day, you will be America’s Most Beautiful In The World, and then — even if your legs are like chiseled destiny — suddenly you will find yourself on a stage with the person who PLAYED YOUR CHILD in the movie where Voldemort stayed at your hotel, and everyone will realize you are not twenty-nine, and you will not be able to punch him with the five emerald rings on your finger because that would be rude and you have not been rude since that time on Lopez Idol where Hairosmith sat next to you and stole some of your air. So just… do not do it, lovers. Or at least turn down some of your invitations.”

[Photo: Getty]

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I Fug Ya Papi: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez at LULAC/NUVOtv Unity Luncheon

“Lovers, I played my part. I went to the luncheon dressed up as Church Lady Lopez, with my pink and my hair like the evening news, and my shoes of fancy sneezes, and I told everyone about my vegan diet and took the selfies. And I smiled, lovers, and I am smiling now, but I think you see the VENOM OF PASSION in my eyes. Why? Because it has come to my attention that there is a title of First Lady. And it is NOT ME. LOVERS. I did not wear my thighs all those times for THIS INSULT. I WAS A MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ONE YEAR. WHAT MORE EXPERIENCE DO I NEED TO BE FIRST LADY OF EVERYWHERE. I demand more, lovers. I demand a recount of the election that never happened. America is supposed to be a DEMOCRACY, no? If you are going to go around telling everyone you are America’s First Lady, EARN IT. LOPEZ-STYLE. Now excuse me, lovers. I need to go wipe my rage on my hip-napkins.”

[Photo: Getty]

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What the Fug: Jennifer Lopez in Versace


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez at Versace show, July 2014

“Am I wearing pants, you say? No. Because I am the girl who is down to earth, not that Garment person who sucked Funfleck into a vortex of boo, and who selfishly wears TWO LEGS. I do not NEED two of everything when people are starving in wherever. So no, these are not pants. They are PANT. Pantalones? No. Pantalone. Tee hee. Get it? Pant alone?!?!? But you already knew I am a poet, lovers, from when I wrote I Luh Ya Papi, which I am going to suggest to be the new national anthem, lovers, because it is all about the sex, and guns, and I put it down for a brother like you // Give it to you right in the car, that’s you. Lovers, if you listen to The Star-Sparkly Thing, you will hear that it is also about those things — rockets glaring red, bursting bombs, and ramparts, come ON, lovers, tell me you knew! — and so I just want to make America newer and then also hear myself every time those swimmers in tiny pants win gold medals. Maybe THEY should wear PANT also. But no, there is no one who can PANT like the Lopez. Stand there and look at me and try not to unbuckle my hip with your eyes. It is not possible. See you on the medal stand, lovers.”

[Photo: Splash]

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