Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Teen Choice Awards Green Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Elie Saab


“HOLA LOVERS. I have a tip. Aging: do not do it.”

Jennifer Lopez at the Teen Choice Awards

“Because one day, you will be America’s Most Beautiful In The World, and then — even if your legs are like chiseled destiny — suddenly you will find yourself on a stage with the person who PLAYED YOUR CHILD in the movie where Voldemort stayed at your hotel, and everyone will realize you are not twenty-nine, and you will not be able to punch him with the five emerald rings on your finger because that would be rude and you have not been rude since that time on Lopez Idol where Hairosmith sat next to you and stole some of your air. So just… do not do it, lovers. Or at least turn down some of your invitations.”

[Photo: Getty]

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I Fug Ya Papi: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez at LULAC/NUVOtv Unity Luncheon

“Lovers, I played my part. I went to the luncheon dressed up as Church Lady Lopez, with my pink and my hair like the evening news, and my shoes of fancy sneezes, and I told everyone about my vegan diet and took the selfies. And I smiled, lovers, and I am smiling now, but I think you see the VENOM OF PASSION in my eyes. Why? Because it has come to my attention that there is a title of First Lady. And it is NOT ME. LOVERS. I did not wear my thighs all those times for THIS INSULT. I WAS A MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON ONE YEAR. WHAT MORE EXPERIENCE DO I NEED TO BE FIRST LADY OF EVERYWHERE. I demand more, lovers. I demand a recount of the election that never happened. America is supposed to be a DEMOCRACY, no? If you are going to go around telling everyone you are America’s First Lady, EARN IT. LOPEZ-STYLE. Now excuse me, lovers. I need to go wipe my rage on my hip-napkins.”

[Photo: Getty]

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What the Fug: Jennifer Lopez in Versace


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez at Versace show, July 2014

“Am I wearing pants, you say? No. Because I am the girl who is down to earth, not that Garment person who sucked Funfleck into a vortex of boo, and who selfishly wears TWO LEGS. I do not NEED two of everything when people are starving in wherever. So no, these are not pants. They are PANT. Pantalones? No. Pantalone. Tee hee. Get it? Pant alone?!?!? But you already knew I am a poet, lovers, from when I wrote I Luh Ya Papi, which I am going to suggest to be the new national anthem, lovers, because it is all about the sex, and guns, and I put it down for a brother like you // Give it to you right in the car, that’s you. Lovers, if you listen to The Star-Sparkly Thing, you will hear that it is also about those things — rockets glaring red, bursting bombs, and ramparts, come ON, lovers, tell me you knew! — and so I just want to make America newer and then also hear myself every time those swimmers in tiny pants win gold medals. Maybe THEY should wear PANT also. But no, there is no one who can PANT like the Lopez. Stand there and look at me and try not to unbuckle my hip with your eyes. It is not possible. See you on the medal stand, lovers.”

[Photo: Splash]

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Fugs and Fabs: Celebs in Jeans


“No events are happening this week,” I muttered to myself. “It’s just everyone wandering around town in jeans HEY WAIT A SECOND.”

Let’s eyeball the denim, then, shall we? I cannot resist a good pair of jeans. I think Heidi Klum might take this one. She ought to just start wearing jeans to, like, the Emmys.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

 

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Fug the Waxwork: J.Lo


“HOLA LOVERS.”

“This is Wax Lopez. Do you want to go see it? You must. And lovers, I believe in you, but I also believe in accidents. How many of us, lovers, have been walking around so innocent and then BOOM we drop a cup of gasoline and then sneeze flames at it? I cannot count how many times I have played Zippo Baseball when somebody was hit by a pitch! That is not a crime! That is just sports! I have love in my heart for athletes! So lovers, know that if you visit Wax Me, I will never have judgment in my heart if an accident were to happen. Do you you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? CAN SOME OF YOU LOVERS PLEASE GO LIGHT THIS MAMABITCH ON FIRE. But I do not support breaking the law. But if you have ever wanted to light me like a candle and pray to me on the altar of divine LOPEZ? DO SOME WAX MURDER.”

[Photo: Getty]

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Billboard Music Awards Divaly Played: Jennifer Lopez in Donna Karan


“HOLA LOVERS. Remember, I am the wind beneath your wings. And you are the wind beneath mine. Except replace ‘you’ with ‘the natural zephyr of superb holiness in the Divine Church of LOPEZ.’ And then you. Except replace ‘you’ with ‘the dance.’ And THEN you, maybe. It always comes back to my lovers. Eventually. Even if it gets lost in the field of dreams. What are we talking about? Oh yes: LEGS. I have some.”

[Photos: Getty]

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