Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Recent Fugs and Fabs: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS. Yes, it is winter, and I have been wearing many coats, but in Miami it is THIGH TIME and I have been wearing a lot of those also.”

[Photos: Getty, Splash]

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Fugs and Fabs: The FOX TCA Party


In which we have a sisterwife dress AND a shiny gold blazer to ogle!

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Golden Globes Post-Party Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Amanda Wakeley


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez Golden Globes

“Yes, yes, I shed my cape. But it was not in vain. It was for art, lovers. It was for this sculpture of FEELING that depicts a straitjacket embracing me like I am its one true love. The meaning? That my abs are crazy, and THE LOPEZ IS MADNESS. Also, lovers, you think I am going to work ten hours a day to make my stomach like an iron plate and then NOT let it explode out of some soft restraints? NOW WHO IS CRAZY.”

[Photo: Getty]

 

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Golden Globes Lopez Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad


“HOLA LOVERS.”

Jennifer Lopez Golden Globes 2015

“What was I to do, lovers? I have been People‘s Most Everything Ever. I have given you my abs. I have given you my side-abs, and my front-abs, and my back-abs. I have given you Leg. I have given you Face. I did everything and you cried from envy and worship and I carried you to the top of Mount Lopez and then had to figure out where to go next so that you would know I am still above you. The answer? A cape, lovers. A superhero cape. I will fly above you, with glitter, and as you dust it out of your eyes you will see only stars. They twinkle one message: LOPEZ. Also if you know of a very sexy but famous new boyfriend please let me know because I am bored of disposable meatpiles. Maybe that Birdman Batman person is single? He loves capes.”

[Photo: Getty]

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People Magazine Awards Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Naeem Khan


“HOLA LOVERS.

Jennifer Lopez People Magazine Awards

“I almost did not show up, lovers, because I am still so angry at the people, because you do not name The Lopez the most beautiful person on the planet and then GIVE IT LATER TO SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I STILL WALK THE EARTH. If it is not Most Beautiful Person In Existence Ever, then the people need to be more specific so that they do not TOY WITH THE LOPEZ. But then I thought, ‘Eh, Jennifer, do not let the stupids make your breasts sad,’ and so here they are to remind everyone what is THE TRUTH and what is LIES. Merry Holidaymas, lovers, and let my abs be your resolution. You will see me on the other side. And you WILL look.”

[Photo: Getty]

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American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Reem Acra


“HOLA LOVERS.” [And I need to break character for a moment to say that I TOTALLY CALLED THIS.]

Jennifer Lopez at The 2014 American Music Awards in LA

“I have a riddle for you: What is dressed like a ballet slipper because that is what people wear who are center stage which I learned from the movie Center Stage which I watched one night when I was up late writing the best chapter of True Love which is where I thank everyone for their true love and talk about how hard I worked and then anyway LOVERS toe shoes are softness and strength rolled into one just like a good mattress or a cookie or the person who is the subject of this riddle? Do you know the answer yet? It is THE LOPEZ. I am the FOOT OF POWER. I am what puts the grande in jete and what makes the pirouette pirou or something. BUY MY BOOK, IT IS ABOUT MAKING SUSHI!! Just kidding it is about love and probably also having your own perfume. Unless they cut that part.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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