Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Tony Awards Well Played Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Valentino


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez tony awards

“Do you see this, lovers? Do you know what it is? This is called A CURVEBALL and I just whipped it into your strike zone and you are OUT. And when Major Lopez Baseball gives me the Cy YES Award then I will use it to keep the dust off the place where my Oscar will go someday. Unless I win a Tony first. Why have I not been nominated, lovers? I have stood ON Broadway, and you know I did that better than anyone else. Sigh. Why is the world so SLOW to catch up to me?”

[Photo: Getty]

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What the Fug: Jennifer Lopez in Charbel Zoe at the Billboard Music Awards


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez billboard music awards

“And checkmate, Be-yawn-ce. Anything you can do, I can do LOPEZ, and LOOK AT ME is my middle name. Stay out of thunderdomes you do not understand.”

[Photo: Getty]

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American Idol Finale Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez cannes opening ceremony

“You heard wrong. My television show is not cancelled. My television show is having its quinceañera next year and must then leave to become a woman. So do not get it twisted. You do not CANCEL the LOPEZ. But you know who is going to get canceled? Mother Nature, for spitting in my face. I may only be partially eclipsing my groin, lovers, but I will totally eclipse the sun WITH MY FIST when I fly up and punch it into 2020. Unless… is this a test? Am I learning what it feels to be blind, like that Hairdevil man who Plugfleck played in the movie where he met Jennifer Garbage? Is this teaching me about the heroes who don’t no never mind lovers I still want to punch so take your stupid sun and stop lighting the Lopez. I make my own spotlight.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

 

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Met Gala Naked WTFs: Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, and Jennifer Lopez


To quote myself on Twitter: If this affair was about “perceptions” of China in the western world, then what I’m getting is that everyone perceives China as super naked. Beyonce is in Givenchy, Kim Kardashian picked Roberto Cavalli, and Jennifer Lopez is in Versace — and EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM decided that “China: Through The Looking Glass” really meant “China: Whatever, Just Look At My Ass.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Fug of Sight: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez billboard latin music awards

“And yes, lovers, I do. Do you? You do. You always do. You will love me in sickness and in health –until you die, and I transfer my brain into a Science Body that is just like this one but bionic and also twenty-five – and so by the power vested in me from magic and inner goodness and a lot of juicing, I pronounce us Lopez and wife. I can do that, lovers. I am one part ladypriest, one part veil, ten parts YES. So it feels good that we should make it legal that I will allow you to adore me forever. You are welcome. Psst: I am very good at marriage. Lots of practice! You have much to learn from me! Buy a notebook.”

[Photo: Getty]

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MTV Movie Awards Fairly Normally Played: Jennifer Lopez in Versace


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez j.lo mtv movie awards 2015

“I have been tricked, lovers. I was told I would be given a major award, and so I put on clothes that do not have missing parts or mutant pants or a cape, and what happens? PLASTIC POPCORN. This is NOT AN AWARD. It is NOVELTY TRASH you could buy on Hollywood Boulevard next to the place with all the hand prints, and there is no PROTEIN in this at ALL lovers. Do not FOOD-TROPHY THE LOPEZ unless it is the Nickelodoen Kids Choose Me thingies where they put juiced kale on everyone. THIS IS NOT HARD.”

[Photo: Getty]

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