Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Casual Fuggerday: Jennifer Lopez


“I am tired, lovers. I am chained to the Idol show again and nobody is talking about me because they want to giggle about Keith Suburban and Harry Blahnick Junior, and the fatigue, lovers, it is making me wilt. Even my poetry is crooked.  It is melting off of my bosom. I AM NOT ‘MOTH, ER.’ I DO NOT EAT CLOTHES AND THEN WATCH GEORGE CLOONEY WEAR MEDICAL CLOTHES. I am the mother of YES. REMEMBER.”

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


(Less) Casual Fuggerday: Jennifer Lopez


“Do you like my Lopezball diamond? Come run my bases. PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT.”

[Photo: Getty]


Amusingly Played, Idol Judges


KEITH URBAN: Hey, Jennifer. Hi, Harry. Welcome to the show. Nice hair.

J.LO: Thank you, Kiki.

KEITH: It’s Keith. And I was talking to Harry.

HARRY CONNICK, JR: Thanks, Keith. Yours is also suave. So angular.

KEITH: No, yours is.


J.LO: No. YO! Haha, see what I did?

RYAN: Is this basically going to be a season-long grooming competition between you three? Because I am SO in for this.

J.LO: No, Weecrest. There is no contest. I am wearing the web you will be caught in and devoured like tiny, hairy hipster flies. There is no one but me.

HARRY: I don’t know, Jennifer, I’m pretty–


KEITH: I’m pretty sure that’s not true…?

J.LO: I’m pretty sure YOU are not true, Soul Patch.

RYAN: Good luck, gentlemen. If you need me, I’ll be on the phone with Steven Tyler.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]



AMAs Lopez: Jennifer Lopez

“HOLA LOVERS. Come close, amigos, because I have a lesson for you in how to be amazing. It begins and ends with Go To An Awards Show Your Ex-Vampire Master Is Attending And Remind Him That You Are The Bigger Superstar And That The Bloodbar Is CLOSED.”

[Photos: Getty]


J.Lo-ly Played, Barbie

HOLA LOVERS. Today is a dark one for your queen. Lovers, I have a lady problem.

“Her name is BARBIE and she is Single Hot Lopezing me, with her pouty face and her arm windows and her stripes! And she is not even doing it WELL, lovers. My dress was not ARMPIT BAGGY. It was not BEIGE, it was SEE-THROUGH. And lovers, what lights my soul en fuego even more is that I did not wear a HEADBAND with this dress. It is SLANDER, lovers. Or LIBEL. Although it is muy sweet that she is trying to have my bouncy cleavage. It almost makes me want to like her instead of keeping her in my microwave.”

“But lovers, like with Skywalkers, there is another.”

And it is madness


American Fugdol


Gracias so much, Human Rights people, for giving me this award. Lovers, it is perfect. I am a human, and I am right. And I have SUFFERED, lovers. Once I lost a mood ring. And there was that time with the movie with Voldefleck, and all of Marc. So as a tribute to my struggle, I wore this dress that looks like veins. If you cut me, Ben Aflac, do I not bleed? Si. And when I bleed, Marc, could you not use smaller straws? These, lovers, are the veins I bravely gave to the world and to you and to those two other husbands whose names I do not remember but I think one of them was Ashley Judd’s brother and then also to Marc for the 127 vampire years we were married. It is my way of saying, “Suck on this OH WAIT YOU CAN’T,” because I know he is watching. Lovers, they are all watching. Always. It is why I decided to go back on that TV show instead of starting the Lopez Planet cable channel. FOX is free and my three husbands probably cannot afford the cable because it is expensive to be married to me but LOOK OUT LOVERS it is also expensive being divorced to me. Because I am right, and I am a human, and that is again why we are here giving me things to put on my fireplace. The circle is full! See you on The Voice! Or whatever!”