Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

(Less) Casual Fuggerday: Jennifer Lopez


“Do you like my Lopezball diamond? Come run my bases. PITCHERS AND CATCHERS REPORT.”

[Photo: Getty]


Amusingly Played, Idol Judges


KEITH URBAN: Hey, Jennifer. Hi, Harry. Welcome to the show. Nice hair.

J.LO: Thank you, Kiki.

KEITH: It’s Keith. And I was talking to Harry.

HARRY CONNICK, JR: Thanks, Keith. Yours is also suave. So angular.

KEITH: No, yours is.


J.LO: No. YO! Haha, see what I did?

RYAN: Is this basically going to be a season-long grooming competition between you three? Because I am SO in for this.

J.LO: No, Weecrest. There is no contest. I am wearing the web you will be caught in and devoured like tiny, hairy hipster flies. There is no one but me.

HARRY: I don’t know, Jennifer, I’m pretty–


KEITH: I’m pretty sure that’s not true…?

J.LO: I’m pretty sure YOU are not true, Soul Patch.

RYAN: Good luck, gentlemen. If you need me, I’ll be on the phone with Steven Tyler.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]



AMAs Lopez: Jennifer Lopez

“HOLA LOVERS. Come close, amigos, because I have a lesson for you in how to be amazing. It begins and ends with Go To An Awards Show Your Ex-Vampire Master Is Attending And Remind Him That You Are The Bigger Superstar And That The Bloodbar Is CLOSED.”

[Photos: Getty]


J.Lo-ly Played, Barbie

HOLA LOVERS. Today is a dark one for your queen. Lovers, I have a lady problem.

“Her name is BARBIE and she is Single Hot Lopezing me, with her pouty face and her arm windows and her stripes! And she is not even doing it WELL, lovers. My dress was not ARMPIT BAGGY. It was not BEIGE, it was SEE-THROUGH. And lovers, what lights my soul en fuego even more is that I did not wear a HEADBAND with this dress. It is SLANDER, lovers. Or LIBEL. Although it is muy sweet that she is trying to have my bouncy cleavage. It almost makes me want to like her instead of keeping her in my microwave.”

“But lovers, like with Skywalkers, there is another.”

And it is madness


American Fugdol


Gracias so much, Human Rights people, for giving me this award. Lovers, it is perfect. I am a human, and I am right. And I have SUFFERED, lovers. Once I lost a mood ring. And there was that time with the movie with Voldefleck, and all of Marc. So as a tribute to my struggle, I wore this dress that looks like veins. If you cut me, Ben Aflac, do I not bleed? Si. And when I bleed, Marc, could you not use smaller straws? These, lovers, are the veins I bravely gave to the world and to you and to those two other husbands whose names I do not remember but I think one of them was Ashley Judd’s brother and then also to Marc for the 127 vampire years we were married. It is my way of saying, “Suck on this OH WAIT YOU CAN’T,” because I know he is watching. Lovers, they are all watching. Always. It is why I decided to go back on that TV show instead of starting the Lopez Planet cable channel. FOX is free and my three husbands probably cannot afford the cable because it is expensive to be married to me but LOOK OUT LOVERS it is also expensive being divorced to me. Because I am right, and I am a human, and that is again why we are here giving me things to put on my fireplace. The circle is full! See you on The Voice! Or whatever!”


Casual Fuggerday (and Coverday): Jennifer Lopez


“I am back on the set of Lopez Idol III: Yes, and to show the little people what it takes to be a superstar like me, I am standing in the bathroom with my denim dickey — which, lovers, is what I used to call one of my bodyguards; his name was Dick, or maybe Keith — and giving the world a peek at my estomago, which is made of moisturizer and granite. Which, shh, lovers, is also my secret recipe exfoliant that I would use whenever Marc spilled his O-positive breakfast on me. No disrespect to Bat Assfleck. Except ALL disrespect to Blah Batfleck, because I do not appreciate what he is doing lately, lovers. You this this is not about me? You think it is not a MESSAGE to me, that the man I tolerated before I married the vampire has turned around and agreed to play A BAT in a movie?!? Like he is Marc Jr., but giant, and sexy, and not undressing my spleen with his ojos? Stop being so obsessed with me, Stalkfleck. Here is my message for YOU:

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