Fugger: Jennifer Lopez

Lopezly Played: Jennifer Lopez in Las Vegas


“HOLA LOVERS. Listen. If you are surprised by this, then you have not been paying attention, which is ALSO the MEANEST thing you could possibly do to someone you love as much as me. Also, the tour is called ALL I HAVE. What did you think you were going to see, lovers? Small Samples Of What I Have? No. The Lopez is all-you-can-eat.”

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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Golden Globes Unfug It Up: Jennifer Lopez in Giambattista Valli


“No. STOP. I do not HOLA LOVERS while I am hydrating. It’s in my contract.”

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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American Music Awards Lopezly Played: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS. Yes, you are right: The holidays have come early. So sit down at my table and let me serve you my stuffing, my pies, my cranberry sauce, pudding, my spiced whipped cream, my vegan free-range gluten-free grass-fed napkins that Goopeth Paltrow sent me and Ben Ackfleck for our non-wedding which I never sent back because it is a sign of weakness and I wanted her to think we ate preservatives all over them… ah, memories. So get ready, lovers. The feast is on. It is Lopezgiving and the thanks are from me to you, for all the thanks you give every day for me because of all the giving that I do to you.”

[Photos: Getty]

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Fugs and Fabs: Halloween!


In which certain celebrities continue not to understand that certain costumes are probably not a great idea, and no one in their lives gives them good advice. In other news,  as ever, I look forward to you guys helping me figure out what some of these costumes even are. For a few celebs, my notes literally read, “???? Sexy???” So….let’s consider this a group project.

[Photos: Getty, Fame/Flynet]

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Well Played, Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez rock the kasbah

“What? You did not see this coming? You think that because I am the sun to your universe, and my abs are like stale carbs I bought for show two months ago but never touched, and most of my clothing has windows, and even my mirrors have mirrors, and that my spirit has 20/20 vision for your soul, that I am not serious? That I do not sometimes need glasses? Lovers, I have to have one flaw. And I need to read, lovers. I am hungry. I read the price tag on this coat, and the instructions on the razor I am going to give to Bruce Willis so that he goes bald again because there is no other way for him and he needs to admit it. I read People’s Most Beautiful issue the time I was in it and I think it stopped printing after that because I never saw another one. I read every single word anyone wrote about Bangfleck and his nanny because that is SOCIAL JOURNALISM. I read The New York Times crossword. I read Physics For Future Presidents. What has five letters and cannot be contained by down or across because you do not have this body if regular physics applies to you?

jennifer lopez rock the kasbah

“That’s right. LOPEZ. I win again.”

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]

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Sure, Okay: Jennifer Lopez


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez

“WHAT? I can be SERIOUS. The Lopez has LAYERS. I am not just a big cocktail for eight, served in a bowl the size of Mars with straws and so much fruit and you light it on fire and drink the burn. I am also a mimosa. A bellini. I FIZZ, lovers. You do not always chug The Lopez.

“Oh, but there is one thing:

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What the Fug: Jennifer Lopez in Michael Costello and House of CB


“HOLA LOVERS.”

jennifer lopez i heart radio paris las vegas

“I am not at the Emmys so stop looking at the Emmys and LOOK AT ME. I am giving you so much to discuss, lovers. Forget the Hamm and Veep and How To Get Murdered. I SPIT on your Lame of Thrones. But I will not hear you badmouthing Olive Kitteridge, lovers, because it offered profound insight on the human condition and I know this because I read the back of it in a bookstore and that is what it said and also the cover had a house and some trees on it which is code for Feelings. ANYWAY. Lovers, I do not always wear capes, but when I do, I tuck them RIGHT into my kitteridge, because I am The Most Interesting Lopez in the World.

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