Fugger: Gwen Stefani
You need to know that I thought almost everyone looked CRACKED OUT at the Met Ball last night. Seriously, for me, that was one scorching disaster of a red carpet. Maybe it’s because I was gone last week and so I’m coming back with my crank settings calibrated to go up to eleven (or fourteen), or maybe the break left me refreshed and ready to attack, like a pit bull who’s been on an asparagus diet for too long. But SO MANY PEOPLE chose things that were either boring, or disappointing, or truly hideous. Case in point: Gwen Stefani.
This is somehow boring AND disappointing AND truly hideous. She looks like she was just busted playing mermaid in someone’s bridal factory outlet. Worse, she has one of the best bodies out there, and this terrible, lazy dress makes her look dumpy. The words “Gwen Stefani IS… DUMPY” should not exist outside another remake of Snow White. Are we supposed to think it’s really punk and subversive to show up dressed as a months-old unshopped clearance rack, and therefore give her an A-plus? Because… no. I’ve accepted that a lot of people are going to tell me that I Just Don’t Get It, but here’s the thing: I don’t WANT to get this. So I hope it’s not catching.
Gwen really IS ageless. And she’s DEFINITELY going through a Madonna phase.
[Photos: WENN, Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin, INF]
I recognize that this is an enormous amount of animal print. It’s an embarrassment of animal print. Even a leopard is looking at this and going, “Lady, tone it down. You’re not out on the savanna.”
However, she’s carrying it off as much as anyone ever will. I mean, if you’re going to see a celebrity in this suit — if it is inevitable — you want it to be either Gwen Stefani or Sharon Stone. Wait, now I’m sad it wasn’t Sharon Stone. SHARON. Why have you forsaken us?