Fugger: Cameron Diaz
TOM CRUISE: Yep.
CAMERON DIAZ: Yep.
TOM: We’re still doing this.
CAMERON: Still doing this.
TOM: Knight and Day.
CAMERON: Somehow, it’s not dead yet.
TOM: I probably need a haircut.
CAMERON: My shoes kind of look like the bouncer at a nightclub put them on my feet so people would know I paid the cover charge.
TOM: But you still look hot in that dress.
CAMERON: And you look handsome.
TOM: At this point, that’s really all these people can ask.
CAMERON: Is this movie going to haunt us forever, Tom? Will we be in, like, Uzbekistan in March, doing promo for this turd?
TOM: Yes, Cameron. Yes. They are going to wring us dry.
CAMERON: If that happens, I swear to God, I’m not bringing any heels. I might not even bring a dress. I might just wear flannel pants.
TOM: Amen to that.
I think Cameron Diaz’s expression here says it all:
It’s like, “yeah, yeah. I know. This thing is ridiculously short. It’s essentially an oversized shirt. Could we claim I’m wearing it as a salute to my co-star Tom Cruise’s seminal pantless role in Risky Business? Yes. Yes, let’s do that. And then tomorrow, he’ll slick his man-bangs up in a salute to my part in There’s Something About Mary, because turn-about is fair play. And then the next day, I’ll wear a fighter pilot’s jumpsuit and respond to all press queries by saying, ‘talk to me, Goose’! And then he can show up wearing my race car driver’s outfit from Charlie’s Angels! And then I’ll counter that by wearing HIS race car driver’s outfit from Days of Thunder! And then he can show up wearing my frizzy wig and mom jeans from Being John Malkovich, and then I will best him once and for all by preparing a series of cocktails while reciting bad drink-themed poems, dressing like Lestat, and, finally, marrying Nicole Kidman. Yes. THIS is how you make the press junket for an unsuccessful movie fun. GAME ON, CRUISE.”
TOM: Psst. Cam. I don’t know how to tell you this, but you forgot to change into your dress.
CAM: Me? No, silly billy, this is a minidress!
TOM: Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure that’s just a big sweater.
CAM: Tommy! You have no imagination!
TOM: I don’t know. I can imagine you lying around your hotel room wearing A-Rod’s clothes, drinking a mimosa and eating fruit and then burping, because you’ve told us all a lot that you like to burp, and then realizing you’re running late and just putting on shoes and heading out the door.
CAM: … It’s like you see into my SOUL.
TOM: Please don’t fall in love with me. My fourth wife needs to be in her twenties.
[Photo: Splash News]
CAMERON DIAZ: Hey, Tom?
TOM CRUISE: Yes, Cam?
CAMERON: We’re awesome.
TOM: Why in particular, Cam?
CAMERON: Because that Heigl chick stopped going to any premieres for Killers after it died in the U.S. And yet here we are, still aggressively pimping our forgotten rom-com Knight and Day.
TOM: That’s right!
CAMERON: And looking dapper doing it!
TOM: That’s RIGHT!
CAMERON: We are freaking American HEROES, dude.
TOM: YEAH! Even with that weird flappy thing on your dress!
TOM: And how it’s kind of crinkly!
CAMERON: … Yeah?
TOM: And even…
CAMERON: You’re going to keep going, Baron von Undershirt?
TOM:… You’re right. Listen, all things considered, we look fantastic.
CAMERON: Thank you.
TOM: We’re working hard for a movie people don’t care about, and we should be honored for it!
CAMERON: That’s my point!
TOM: We should be knighted on this day.
CAMERON: … Too far, Tom. Too far.
[Photo: Splash News]
TOM CRUISE: Cameron! What’s up!?
CAMERON DIAZ: Hi, Tom. You’re seeming extra tall today.
TOM: That’s because I’ve realized something. People like me again, kind of.
CAMERON: It’s true. It helps that our movie actually looks kind of good. Really, you’re so much more enjoyable when you’re playing a charming egomaniac. It really is your niche. Kind of like how James van der Beek is way more attractive when he plays a raging-but-humorous jackass than he ever was as Dawson. Did you see that episode of Mercy where –
TOM: Are we going to talk about that show AGAIN, Cameron?
CAMERON: I was bummed it got canceled, okay? But, yeah, you look nice.
TOM: You look great from the waist up. And the thighs down.
CAMERON: So you’re saying, you don’t like my shorts?
TOM: I’m saying that if you must wear baggy, rolled-up shorts that look a little bit like diapers, then at least you’ve got legs for them.
Oh, Cammy. With her, it’s either one of two things: hot leggy blonde…
… or hot mess who stayed out all night with a mysterious hombre (or perhaps Joey Tribbiani, revisiting his days trying to sell the cologne Hombre) doing the Forbidden Dance in a pool of piranhas that rent her garment with their hungry teeth, leaving her with no choice but to pin together her outfit with a seatbelt from her lover’s Smart Car. Given the choice, I’d pick Door No. 1, but maybe I just lack vision.