Fugger: Britney Spears

Grammys LETTER OF TRUTH: PART SUCK IT


HEY Y’ALL WHAT’S UP?

Sorry it took me so long to write to you about the GRAMMYS but I’ve been looking for my pants for like a week now and I never did find them so I’ve been walking around without them which I guess is okay now because there was this random girl at the show who looked like really really REALLY REALLY CRAZY and she definitely wasn’t wearing pants either, so now I don’t feel as embarrassed as I might have normally felt considering that I was in public wearing a dress made of fishnet and a leotard. SOME PEOPLE — Mom – seem to think I wore this outfit because I just wanted attention but you’d think she’d remember that whenever I want attention, I just take out a boa constrictor, or get married.

AND THEN when I was at the GRAMMYS people were all, OMG BRITNEY HAS BROWN HAIR AGAIN because I guess brown hair equals crazy for all y’all, but I don’t know why you’re all spazzing out because that other crazy girl with no pants was rolling around like COVERED IN FLOUR or soot or ashes or something and I think she did something to Elton John that’s not legal and everyone was all totally chill about THAT but I spend an afternoon with Miss Clairol and y’all FREAK OUT.

So, what I’m saying is: 1) I’m Britney Spears, b) I have no pants, !) it’s okay not to have any pants anymore which is good news because I lost mine 4) do cut-offs count? 5) there’s some crazy pantsless girl on the rampage all playing the piano dressed like an old timey aerobics instructor and all y’all seen to think that’s normal and f) brown hair is not bad.

I’m tired now.

BYE,

BRITNEY.

PS: I am not engaged to my manageragentboyfriend, but I COULD BE if you think that might be interesting. Just drop me a note at Cheeto_LovER_4EvA_1990@gmail.com.

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Letter of Fug: Part TIME TRAVEL


Oh my god, hey y’all! What’s up?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I hope y’all have a full Slurpee because I have got A LOT to talk to y’all
about and I don’t have any time for y’all to get up and get a snack, like
the last time I was talking to my mama about how Ed Morocco (or whatever
the Sam Hill that tan man’s name is over at E!) has been saying that Justin
and Lucy from 7th Heaven are FINALLY breaking up and now we can seriously finally
be together again — like can you imagine the hilarious sequel we could
do to “Dick in a Box”? I’m gonna entitle it “Arm in a Handbag” — and
she just stood up and said she needed a drink and she never came back,
which I thought was really rude.

So anyway yeah I’m working on “Arm in a Handbag”  and I was going to call it, “Head in a Backpack,” but Jamie Lynn said that was creepy and she says she should know since she’s taking some dumb class on criminal psychology from the University of Phoenix because she says she needs to have an “actual job like a normal person” and I don’t know why she always makes those little finger air marks and gives me a dirty look when she says that but whatever. She’s been so crabby since that pipe layer knocked her up and I keep telling her what she ought to do is get REAL FAT and then go on The Celebrity Fit Club and then we made some mean jokes about Kevin that I won’t illiterate here because they’re not very nice and he is the father of my three children or however many I have.

I’M JUST KIDDING Y’ALL. I know I only have two babies, I’m not CRAZY anymore. Can’t you tell from my outfit? This is CLASSIC BRITNEY SPEARS NORMAL Y’ALL! Cut-offs? Check! Belly-shirt? CHECK. Visible bra? CHECK. Stumpy UGG boots in 150 degree heat? CHECK. Messy blonde ponytail? CHECK. The only thing missing is a belly ring and a snake, am I right?! I am serious, y’all, if someone hit you over the head with a Crockpot and you woke up next to the computer and this picture was the first thing you saw you would totally think you’d been awokened in 2004 which just happens to be the year I released my Emmy-winning hit single “Toxic” which I think everyone knows is awesome. COINCIDENCE? You be the umpire.

Yeah, so even though when I left the house to go to Target to get tube socks wearing this outfit my Daddy like sighed real deep and said something about trouble, I think we can all agree that actually what this look means is that everything is going to be TOTALLY FINE because I could not be feeling more like myself! HOW MUCH LIKE ME DO I LOOK? I’m like a Halloween costume of myself I look so much like me. And it feels seriously awesome so I can only quote that sweet little curly-haired girl in Clueless and tell you that I hope me looking like me doesn’t happen sporadically.

ANYWAY. Thanks for listening and I know you love the cut-offs so YOU’RE WELCOME and now I have to get back to work on “Arm in a Handbag.” YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO LOVE IT although I might send him “Head in a Backpack” TOO because it is honestly catchy and Jamie Lynn is seriously quite dumb, you guys.

DON’T BE ESTRANGED!

xoxo

Britney

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Letter of Truth: Teen Choice Awards Edition


“OhMYGODY’ALL.

HI! HI! HI AGAIN! It’s been like a thousand years or whatever  I guess I haven’t felt like correspondering very much because I had a lot of stuff
happening in my life that I was in denial about, is what my therapist
says. I was like, how can you be in denial about how you cracked up and
shaved your own head because like every time I looked in the mirror last year I was all, “why did I shave my own head?” Let’s be honest, like Dr Phil always says: that was stupid. But SHE says Dr Phil isn’t even really a doctor which makes me wonder if maybe she can’t read? Because it’s right there in his name. But lots of people can’t read so it’s not a big deal. Anyway, SHE says the head-shaving thing was just a symptom of something or something. I don’t know. Sometimes when she talks I just look out the window and
think about those bottled frappuccinos. ANYWAYS, yesterday morning I decided it would probably be good for me
to get out of the house because honestly like all I do is sit by the pool and try and keep Sean P from eating my
cigarette butts, like EVERY DAY and I just get really BORED, y’all. LIKE REALLY BORED. I mean, I guess I was on tour because my Dad’s Slurpee shack isn’t going to keep him in the manner to which he has become accustomed, which is what he keeps telling me when I complain about how bored I am under his RAIN OF TERROR but dude I totally don’t even know that that means. But anyway being on tour is just like prancing around for an hour and hiding from Pussycat Dolls because they always want to TELL ME THINGS like why do they think we are friends? I can’t even tell them apart. I don’t even know if there are seven or eight of them? Could someone please email me and tell me once and for ever how many Pussycat Dolls there are? I’m still at SweetCheetosLover4eva27@aol.com. Thanks.

And ALSO tour is boring because the whole time I’m on tour I have to spend ALL THIS TIME pretending I care about my back-up dancers’ love lives or whatever because they are ALWAYS talking to me about how I should know what it’s like to be dating a back-up dancer and the funny thing is, you guys, I had these conversations with them for like SIX MONTHS until I even remembered that KEVIN used to be a back-up dancer because right now he looks like he’s a back-up competitive eater OH NO I DIDN’T. But for real y’all, he has gotten really big and I swear to god if I put on that kind of weight US Weekly would be FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW. Like REALLY FREAKING OUT and instead they’re just like, “Chunky is Hunky” about him and it’s totally unfair y’all. Sexism IS wrong! I wish someone would have explained that better before. But whatever: ever since I started dating my agent, Kevin is NOT MY PROBLEM which is what my agent keeps telling me but I noticed he has never said that about Justin so between you and me, Justin still IS my problem and I plan to solve that problem this YEAR if you know what I mean, so watch out Jessica Biel is what I mean.

So I decided to go to the Teen Choice Whatevers and really show all these new girls that like seriously they are so not as awesome as I was when I was a Teen Choice. Has Selena Gomarciaparra ever danced with a SNAKE? NO. Has that girl on that dumb show about teen pregnancy ever actually BEEN TEEN PREGNANT? NO. Has the one in the vampire thing ever made out with MADONNA? NO. Although actually I think Madonna kind of might be a vampire now that I think about it.  And yeah maybe I totally rushed over there because I decided to go show them how awesome I still am like ten minutes before the show started and I kind of ended up walking there because it’s a long story but I have this problem with my driver’s license STILL and so maybe when I showed up my weave looked kind of ratty BECAUSE I WALKED THERE and also I forgot to bring my purse and I had to do the “Oops I Did It Again” dance for security before they believed it was me so I look sort of sweaty but COME ON:

1) I have hair
2) I’m not in rehab
3) My dress was bought at FULL PRICE at Charlotte Russe
AND 4)  I am WAY MORE AWESOME than these other people and I think I just PROVED IT. IT’S STILL BRITNEY, BITCHES!

TTYL because I totally still have to tell you this crazy thing that happened the other night when I had a fight with one of the Pussycat people about who was better at putting her leg over her head. WE HAVE SO MUCH TO CATCH UP ON, Y’ALL

LOVE,
BRITNEY

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Fug or Fab the Cover: Britney Spears


“Look, y’all! I totally didn’t die! Don’t lie: I KNOW you know you know I know you thought I was gonna buy the farm that time I shaved my head and hit that SUV with the umbrella, but truth is, I was just acting out, y’all. I feel like I sang “Lucky” over and over and over and over and over again and NO ONE HEARD the part where I was talking about how I cried cried cried in my lonely heart and if there was nothing in my yadda yadda why did the tears etc? That was the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THAT SONG, PEOPLE. AND NO ONE LISTENED. Ergo my incarceration and stuff. ANYHOODLE, I’m out now and let’s get right to the point: I look GOOD again. My dad doesn’t let me eat anything white and, sure, there are days when I think about those Melendez brothers or whatever their names are and I totally understand why they killed their parents but in the long rung, I am pretty sure he’s right that I’m happier with six-pack abs. And now I’m back on magazines again and they’re not all like, “BRITNEY: WHAT WENT WRONG” or “BRITNEY: CAN YOU LISTEN TO HER MEGAMIX WHILE DOING CARDIO WITHOUT FEELING REAL BAD ABOUT IT?” or whatever and boy am I relieved about that because everyone acting like I was going to kick it was totally embarrassing. Now I get to be all strong and have comebacks and be the underdog and stuff and everyone knows that’s a way better story than someone who never had any problems in their life ever, JUSTIN. So anyway, I think I look awesome on this cover and my weave is fantastic for once unlike some people who have really bad highlights but think they’re better than me just because they never hit anyone with their car, to which I say, WAIT TEN MINUTES JAMIE LYNN BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOO GOING TO WANT TO HIT WHATHISNAME YOUR BABY DADDY WITH YOUR CAR. You just are. Anyway, I like I look great, but apparently some people disagree, so I say we put it to a vote as America is a civil union, or something like that:”

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Fug Me Baby, One More Time.


Want to feel OLD? Apparently yesterday was the 10th anniversary of “…Baby One More Time.” (And now you’ll be humming that all day.) I know. I feel like it was only yesterday that I was prancing around my bedroom singing along into my hair brush. So, to celebrate, we were asked to write a piece for Britney’s new official website about her iconic Catholic school girl look:

“The video also features a posse of dudes in neckties and
Dockers, hilariously leaping, twirling, and pointing skyward, and yet
NOBODY remembers that. Instead, with one glimpse of Brit’s bare midriff
between that crisp white shirt and her pleated skirt, a million
Halloween costumes were born.”

Let’s be honest, girls: While I’m sure many of our readers only ever go out costumed as Marie Curie or Ruth Bader Ginsburg for Halloween (and, honestly, I would like to see pictures of both, because that sounds awesome), there are just as many of us who — when faced with forty-five minutes after work to throw something cute together for a party — have just shrugged and pulled out Ye Olde Plaide Skirte in a moment of laziness. After all, when you are not skanky of soul, occasionally it is amusing to be skanky of dress. Even if it is kind of…okay, not the most subtle look ever conceived. But in this time of carved pumpkins and mini candy bars, who knew we had so much to thank Britney for? Let’s give the girl a little credit for giving the knee socks industry that much needed boost, after all.

If you so desire, you can read the rest of the piece here. Or not. Whatever. We’d never tell you what to do. Especially on a Friday.

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Letter of Truth: Part Well-Played


OH. MY. GOD. Y’ALL. Where have I been for the last year or whatever?

I think I heard something about something about how it’s totally depressing to make fun of someone’s outfits when her outfits are the least of her problems or something? I don’t know. I wasn’t paying any attention. I don’t know if y’all are aware, but I have had a craaaazy year this last year. That chapter in my autobiography (working title: Cheetos: A Love Story) is going to be juicy. That’s all I’m saying. Lifetime Television For Women juicy and I am so playing myself as Young Britney and then Kim Cattrall can play me when I’m old, just like in Crossroads. Anyway, I just wanted to pop in and tell all y’all that I’m feeling much better and if you’re blind or whatever and reading this in like Braille or something, I also really just want you to know that I also look TOTALLY AWESOME and really cute and in good shape and with a decent weave for once and also completely self-actualized and full of inner something or other — I don’t know. Dr Phil keeps calling and leaving these long-ass messages on my machine about letting my inner self-esteem elephant trample the lawn of my self-image or something and that reminds me I need to call him and tell him to leave me alone because I so don’t need a new man in my life. Just this hot ass outfit. Suck on it, Timberlake. You too, Federline. And all the rest of all y’all. I told you I’d be back. It just TOOK ME A WHILE. GOD.

LOVE YOU MISSED YOU MEAN IT

BRITNEY.

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