Fugger: Britney Spears

VMAs LETTER OF TRUTH CARPET


“Hey, y’all!

Let’s be honest: all y’all figured that when MTV finally got around to giving me some kind of tribute it would be because I was DEAD but here I am and sure I’m wearing ruffled formal shorts but DEAD I AM NOT even though at some points tonight I kinda wished I was. Let’s review:

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LETTER OF TRUTH: Part Billboard Awards


“Hi y’all. It’s a Letter of Truth in several parts, like three or maybe four. I lost count. I don’t know. The Billboard Awards were kind of depressing, y’all.”

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Letter of Truth: Part I’M BACK


Hey y’all!

Okay, first of all, y’all, don’t even ask me what’s going on with Jason’s hair because I don’t know. I think he saw how good my extensions are looking — aren’t y’all SO RELIEVED that my extensions are looking better? Jamie Lynn always says that my weave is the window to my soul and when it’s looking janky that’s how she knows to take any kind of stabby accoutrements away from me, whatever that means. Isn’t Stabby Accoutrements a store in the Westside Pavillion? I don’t know. Anyway, they look good now and that’s how y’all know that I’m doing okay in terms of what my dad calls my “mental” “state” and ANYWAY WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS: I think Jason is jealous of my lustrous and non-stabby hair and is trying to grow some for his own self but every morning when I see it all bed-headed up, I’m like, “Y’ALL WE HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS” but the thing is that he’s really nice to me and he helps me to be basically non-crazy and therefore I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what his hair looked like. After all, I was once married to a back-up dancer with cornrows, so things could TOTALLY BE WORSE.

Speaking of things that could be worse

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Letter of Truth: Part OH NO AGAIN


Hey y’all! I know we JUST talked about stuff and things and whatever but I had to just pop my head back in again and tell y’all about how I’m on the cover of Cosmo this month! I mean TECHNICALLY it’s not ACTUALLY me, it’s just MY FACE and actually it’s just PART of my face because that’s not my forehead and it’s also that’s not actually my hair but PART of my face is on the cover of Cosmo this month and isn’t that exciting!? Also, now I know the answer to that question there about what to do if you ate a whole pizza: Photoshop!

Whee! Okay, back to whatever I was doing before (prank-calling Justin). (YES, STILL.) (Why are you so judgmental? Didn’t you ever love someone, [ALLEGEDLY] cheat on him with his choreographer, have a long, drawn out break-up complete with dance-offs, and then pine after him for years and years and years and years and years and years, despite having gotten married twice in the meantime? I THOUGHT SO so shut it.)

TTYL! Maybe tomorrow because after like three years of sitting around the Valley sticking my head under the nozzle on my Soft-Serv machine I SEEM TO BE BACK WHOO HOO.

BRITNEY

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Letter of Truth: Part OH NO


HEY Y’ALL! Whoops, I just wrote HEY YAKS. I’VE HAD A LOT OF COFFEE TODAY OKAY? BUT I KNOW Y’ALL AREN’T YAKS.

[Photos: Splash News]

Okay. So, I’ve got a LOT to do today — obviously, can’t you tell from my outfit that I am so super obviously OBVIOUSLY on my way to my combination boxing class/Al Bundy look-alike contest/soccer match?  GOAL, right? Right. Anyway, I just had to run into Starbucks SUPER SUPER SUPER fast for a double caramel frap-cap-whippacino and then I just wanted to pop my head in and remind y’all that when my extensions start looking like this, then SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL as they say and I could snap at any time and I might beat you with a parasol or a raincoat or any number of weather protectants and, listen, I think maybe y’all might have forgotten that I exist, because Lindsay Lohan and Taylor Momsen and Lady Gaga and BLAH BLAH BLAH they’re all so distracting and I get it, I get it, I’ve been hanging out with my agent boyfriend all under the radar and stuff and so that’s why you thought everything was under control, but! Do not forget me, America and other places! I am the original and the one and only and I COULD BLOW AT ANY MOMENT OKAY? ANY MOMENT. LOOK AT THESE SHORTS. I HAVE THE BATSHIT CRAZY IN ME AND IT CAN LAY DORMANT LIKE MONO AND THEN WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE SAFE IT MIGHT JUST POP OUT AND THAT’S PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN BEFORE AUGUST.

Just thought you should know. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

LOVE,

Britney.

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Letter of Truth Part HELLO


Y’ALL HELLO!

[Photo: Splash]

What a beautiful day, y’all. I’m wearing white like the bride-to-be that I am (no I’m not) (yes, I am) (actually, I’m not but you didn’t hear it from me, Star magazine, so run that story about how I’m marrying my agent if y’all want!) and if I WAS getting married, which I’m not — although I could be, because remember that time I married George Costanza for 20 minutes? That was fun, although not for my mom — this is totally what I’d wear because it’s like November Rain and Axl Rose might show up and play the piano while I walked down the aisle.

ANYWAY, I’m just out shopping in my Sally Jesse Raphael glasses like a regular person, here on Rodeo Drive like a regular person, making my bodyguard carry my Bebe bags like a regular person, just like a regular person. In fact, I feel really, really really regular because it’s been like a month since I was in any magazine at all and it’s like all y’all forgot that I am Britney Spears and crazy shit could happen to me at any minute. Like, you know how Kevin is all on Celebrity Fit Club right now with his ex-wife? What if I burst onto set and started screaming that he’s still real fat and I LOVE IT and I hope he NEVER LOSES ANY WEIGHT EVER  and I have to be escorted away by security? What if I forget to wear pants again? What if I kidnap Justin (which I would never because I don’t know where he’s living right now)? What if I accidentally injure myself now that I’ve started combing my hair with a spork? I’M STILL HAPPENING, PEOPLE! Aren’t y’all excited to see me in my little spring get-up that looks kinda like lingerie but IS NOT? Aren’t y’all happy that I look like I’m UNPREDICTABLE still but not mentally ill or whatever, because that’s the combination that my management teams says works best for me as a celebrity? WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN TO ME FOR A LITTLE WHILE AGAIN?

Just a suggestion!!

LOVE
BRITNEY

PS HAPPY EASTER! I love to eat the heads off chocolate bunnies.

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