Fugger: Britney Spears
I know, y’all. I know. I’m still employed. It’s true. And all that blah blah blah blah bleedly blah blah you heard about how I am all walking out of auditions and then sorta disappearing for like hours at a time while Simon cries and little Demi Lovato has time to get a new gel manicure and that other person searches the grounds for me are not exactly totally all true. The actual truth is that I just got up to pop over to the 7-11 to get a Big Gulp and it turns out there ARE no 7-11s where we are, wherever this is, because I still don’t know, and then I accidentally got on the freeway and who even knows where I was for about an hour and forty-five minutes and then I FINALLY figured it out and then I got back to set and then I had to eat some Corn-Nuts and then I was ready to go on and let me just tell y’all: my contract says I can go on a Big Gulp Walkabout whenever I want so CALM DOWN, is what I am saying. X-Files is going to be FINE and I am really good in it. I just wish they’d get on with it and introduce me to Mulder finally. I mean, don’t I look actually seriously really good here? I do. I know. The truth IS out there and the truth is that this dress is great on me.
See you after I finally track down some of those new ENCHILADA EXTREME Doritos I was just reading about in the National Enquirer. It could be HOURS. HAHAHAHAH No actually it could really take hours. They’re only out in limited release.
OH MY GOD Y’ALL I HAVE A JOB. I have to show up everyday and say things and be places and stay awake and not cry and get free Cheetos from Crafty Servicers and Simon Cowell looked at me yesterday and said, “You ARE the new Paula Abdul AREN’T YOU?”, and then he started shaking his head and he backed out of the room and I am pretty sure that means I am going to do GREAT. And Xtina sent me flowers this morning for my dressing room and the card read “Watch Your Back” which is great advice because WHO KNOWS what it happening at the back of this thing? If it’s like the front y’all can totally see my bra strap except I might have forgotten to put on a bra. And I also got a note from Demi Lovato who said I was a great example to her and that looking at the last few years of my life is really keeping her on program which is also SO SWEET and then I ALSO got sent a box of hair that I am pretty sure used to be Jessica Biel’s bangs and the reason I am pretty sure it because the box came from the guy I hired to sneak into her house and cut them off while she slept JUST KIDDING I WOULD NEVER DO THAT (I totally did that). And this morning Jason said I looked like Barbie which is why I am marrying him and, y’all, seriously, can we just talk about the fact that in the six years since SOMEONE (Justin) put out his last album, I have released THREE ALBUMS which were all huge hits? I AM JUST SAYING THIS.
See you on X-Files!
It turns out that FOX has put together a fall slate full of people I actually really like. Huh. That hardly ever happens. LET’S LOOK AT ‘EM.
In the spirit of Christmas giving and sharing and loving and cheeseballs and mistletooties and Santa and New Year’s eve and New Year’s Eve and why aren’t I in that movie? You KNOW I can act, y’all SAW Crossroads.
What was I saying? Oh, right. Y’all, I thought it would be fun for all of us all to take a look back at some of the cracked-out shit I’ve worn in the last ten years. Even I don’t know what I was thinking but let’s just blame Justin for most of this right? Right. (Not really, Justin, you were the best thing that ever happened to me call me Jessica Biel is no me. Jessica Biel isn’t even Cameron Diaz, am I right? Y’all know I’m right. Yeah, yeah, I’m all engaged to whatshisname now and yeah, whatshisname is actually all nice and responsible and BLAH BLAH BLAH I STILL HAVE THE MATCHING DENIM OUTFITS IS WHAT I AM SAYING.)
[Photos: Getty, Wenn, and Splash]