Fugger: Amber Heard

Phoned-In Carpet: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

Mortdecai - UK Premiere

JOHNNY DEPP: Are we really promoting Mortde-cay-yey-yay or whatever it’s called?

AMBER HEARD: Barely. We are here, clutching each other. But I just want to blend into the background. And you’re not even wearing any scarves.

JOHNNY: Give me some credit. I’m wearing real pants, and I am present. Gwyneth’s NOT EVEN HERE.

AMBER: She’s not?! Are you kidding me? No Paltrow, no peace. I’m out of here.

[Photo: INF]


Fugs and Fabs: Art of Elysium 2015

And now we start playing catch-up with the other events that got swallowed by the behemoth that is the Golden Globes.

[Photos: Fame/Flynet]


Cannes Feh Carpet: Amber Heard in Vionnet

This reminds me of the more successful Ralph Lauren that Emma Watson wore at Windsor Castle, and yes, I’m totally going to use this as an excuse to link to that post again, because I NEVER get tired of ogling Windsor (nor Emma Watson) in any capacity. It’s my favorite.

Amber is doing a similar Relaxed Glam thing here, but it falls short for me, mostly because of the design of the skirt and the fact that she’s posing like she’s being paid money to achieve maximum back arch potential. I call it The Paris Hilton, and that’s not a compliment.

Beyond that, I just don’t care for the way it fits her pelvis, and the fabric looks incredibly Designer Impostor to me. ¬†Which is a bummer, because her head looks SENSATIONAL:

not hyperbole


Met Gala Fugs and Fabs: Everyone Else, a.k.a. the Lightbox Purge

Being in this post isn’t any kind of INSULT; it just means we’ve run out of steam, and we’ve all been at this for too long, so let’s put a fork in it. Don’t skip it, though: We’ve got some SERIOUS crazy, some Depp, and the the gala chair herself, Anna Wintour.

[Photos: Getty]


Well Played, Amber Heard

She looks great and all, but I really want to talk about how Johnny Depp is totally a Serial Engager. Amber Heard is his FIFTH fiancee — he only married the first one, before he was a star, and then put a ring on Sherilyn Fenn, Jennifer Grey, AND Winona Ryder, none of whom made it to the altar. That is a lot of broken engagements. No judgement — personally, I think it’s glamorous to leave a trail of broken engagements in your wake — but you know if he were a woman, everyone would have their hair on fire over this. Thank God he didn’t get a tattoo for each of them. Winona Forever is famously changed to Wino Forever, but what do you change Always Sherilyn into? Always Her? Anyway. Amber looks pretty, her ring is lovely, I like her shoes, and if they actually make it down the aisle, I will eat a roll of quarters.

[Photos: Getty]



Golden Globes Mostly Well Played, Amber Heard, With Bonus Johnny Depp

Or at least, extra Johnny Depp. “Bonus” implies you’re going to like it, and I’m not sure how accurate that is.

[Photos: Getty]