Fugger: Alicia Keys

Oscar Fug-or-Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

Mostly, the people who swapped outfits after the Oscars were ladies who had really dramatic trains that risked getting ruined — people like Marisa Tomei or Penelope Cruz, who clearly did not want to look down and see a plate of shrimp, half a glass of red wine, and Madonna’s shoe-print all over their beautifully elaborate hems. However, Alicia Keys joined the ranks of those who changed just because.

Here’s what she had on for the red-carpet portion of events:

I love that pinkish-purple, and her lipstick complements it nicely (I cannot thank her ENOUGH for not doing a nude or pale-pink lip, because I am generally tired of those), although that shiny eyeshadow does contour her a TAD too much — sometimes I had to blink to make absolutely sure it really was Alicia Keys, and not some lookalike who only got in because she hummed two bars of “Fallen” to the security guard. And I admit to being semi-distracted by the bodice; when she was on-screen, I’d immediately wonder why her right boob was higher and two cup sizes smaller than the left, and then have to remind myself it’s just a trick of the dress.

But in the end, there’s something undeniably floaty and romantic about it. Her actual loveliness often gets lost by some weird ensemble or other — skintight jeans, jumpsuits with lumpy crotches. Not so here. For which I am ALSO profoundly grateful, because if she’d shown up wearing a spandex jumpsuit with a biscuit-sized bulge in exactly the wrong place, I’d have gotten an attack of the vapors.

This dress didn’t make it to the after-party, though. Here’s what did:

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Refugged: Alicia Keys

Well, now I just feel betrayed. In the immortal words of Tyra Banks, “Wah-WAAAAAAAH.” So captivated was I by Alicia Keys’ lack of uncomfortably skintight pants and/or crotch-chafing jumpsuit, I never really LOOKED at her legs. If I had, I would have noticed — thanks to some truly unfortunate backlighting — that while she has a very nice pair of gams, apparently there is a reason she defaults to pants.

Your eyes do not deceive you: That is leg hair. Let’s go in for a close-up:
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World Music Awards: Well Played, Alicia Keys

It’s unusual for me to wake up on a Monday feeling chipper. Yet here I am, not only in a good mood, but also feeling relieved and proud and even a tough smug.

Why, you ask? Because my intervention WORKED.

Look how hot Alicia Keys is! Yes, she could use a meatball or three, but some of that might just be the angle of the photograph. But please, celebrate with me: She’s wearing a dress that FITS. In an awesome color. With simple but striking makeup. And I want her purse.

But wait. It gets better. Because unlike other awards shows, where she started out strong and then climbed through the looking glass, here Alicia showed actual restraint:

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Like You’ll Never Fug Me Again

Dear Alicia Keys:

This is an intervention.

You have GOT TO STOP with the constant stream of unflattering skintight pants. They look terrible on you. Seriously. You don’t HAVE to compete with Rihanna, you know, trying to be all space-age trendy and stuff. Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean you AREN’T; she just knows better than this. We see you’re talented, we see you’re fit, we see you’re trim. You don’t need to prove it with pants that look like you need an entire team of backstage interns just to get them up, or down, over your hips (although that makes going to the bathroom a more convivial experience, consider how much simpler it would be if you didn’t have to fit twelve people in the stall with you). Maybe you think pants this snug force your voice into its upper register; maybe they make you more aerodynamic for when you jump onstage. I don’t know. But they’re not worth it. So unless you WANT to be for Monistat what Jessica Simpson is for Proactiv, get yourself to crotch rehab, stat.


BET Awards You Make the Call: Alicia Keys

You know how there are those days when you totally don’t know what to wear and you wish you could just bring like four outfits to work or whatever and change it all? Alicia Keys actually did that at the BETs. First, we’ve got her pink cocktail dress on the red carpet:

Which I think I love. Yes, I WILL give you a congratulatory fist bump you over this dress, Alicia. Thank you for offering.

Then we had the performance outfit:

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Alicia Fugs

For the love of little green apples, could someone please give Alicia Keys a hand figuring out what to wear?

She obviously needs the help. You know, unless the plan was to look like a really committed extra from a poorly costumed high school production of Grease.