Fugger: Alicia Keys

American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Alicia Keys

There’s a lot I don’t understand about Alicia Keys. Like, say, why I am so sick of all her songs, or why she’s on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and I still can’t muster up the energy to read anything more than the headline on her story before I flip ahead to the big ol’ dishy piece on Gossip Girl (although I’ll grant that last one probably says a lot more about me than it does about Alicia, and parenthetically, if that show would just give in already and hire Joan Collins to be some kind of grande dame of English society trying to infiltrate the Upper East — possibly as man-whore Chuck’s unexpectedly British grandmother — I would die happy).

Chiefly, though, I don’t understand why Alicia would decide to change out of this:

[Photo: Splash News]

To this:

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MICHALKA 1: How do I keep things new? Well, my tip is, instead of a boring old store-bought bracelet, you can MAKE one! How? It’s easy: PAINTER’S TAPE!

ALICIA KEYS: That’s… great, yeah! Sigh. How did I get roped into this? Is Ashton Kutcher back there somewhere? He is, isn’t he?

MICHALKA 2: Whatever, dude — I mean, I guess tape is okay, but Daddy’s necktie drawer works just as well for accessories AND it doesn’t pull any hair off your arm.

ALICIA: Hysterical, really. Yeah. Now come on — who did this? Was it Beyonce? It’s always freakin’ Beyonce.

MICHALKA 1: EWWWW, you have HAIR on your ARMS?

ALICIA: Did that bitch tell you I was available to give credibility to these two? They’re not even the real Olsen Twins! What, am I not BIG ENOUGH for the real Olsen Twins?

MICHALKA 2: Shut UP, beeyotch, it’s NORMAL! Not EVERYONE feels the need to wax everything in sight! God, you’re so MEAN. I’m telling Mom!

ALICIA: I can’t believe this. I’m just going to smile at the host and pretend they’re not here. And after I kill whoever agreed to this booking, I’m gonna to slap the disco fever out of whoever left me nothing but this jumpsuit to wear. Are we sure Punk’d got cancelled?

MICHALKA 1: FINE, then I’ll tell Mom you cut up one of her favorite blazers to make that vest after you saw one like it on Melrose Place!

ALICIA: Seriously, I am in pretty good shape. But next to them, in these pants? EACH of my legs looks like two of theirs put together. That is twisted.

MICHALKA 2: You wouldn’t DARE! And anyway, it’s better than what Alicia’s wearing! She’d need to hire another assistant just to handle zipper duty all day!

ALICIA: I did NOT just hear that. I DID NOT just HEAR THAT. First of all, it’s Ms. Keys if you’re nasty. And if you’re not.

MICHALKA 1: Ha ha ha, that was good, Aly! Or are you AJ? Sometimes even I forget.

ALICIA: I give up. You know what? I’m just gonna chill and enjoy the fact that this is the last time I’m ever coming here with people so young they were probably still eating paste five years ago.

MICHALKA 1: Oh, my GOD, that reminds me: You know what works awesome if you’re out of white eye shadow? GLUE! Your eyes look so big!

ALICIA: I rest my case.


Fuglicia Keys

HARVEY WEINSTEIN: So anyway, like I was saying, you are magic on Grey’s Anatomy. Just magic.

ALICIA KEYS: On… excuse me?

HARVEY: The way you play the mother of that guy… you know, the one who got fired… sparks fly off the screen. I’m serious.

ALICIA: Wait, I think you might be…

HARVEY: I haven’t been so turned on by an older woman since you were on Dynasty. Those were some serious turbans. Serious SEX turbans. If you hadn’t been Blake’s half-sister, that could’ve been hot, I tell ya.

ALICIA: Did you just say “sex turbans”?

HARVEY: You’re goddamn right I did. Listen, let’s do lunch. Or dinner. Or brunch. Except I don’t care for the cantaloupe, so maybe not brunch.

ALICIA: I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not…

HARVEY: Honey, I want to be in the Diahann Carroll business. Let’s make it happen. You look GREAT for your age, Diahann, although we might want to rethink that spelling. It makes my intestines throb.

ALICIA: How about we spell it “Alicia Keys”? I’m 27, and I’m a singer. Seriously, you have NO idea who I am?

HARVEY: Keys? Never heard of it. But I like the cut of your jib. Not the cut of your dress, though, we’ll have to change the whole thing. And the shoes — you look lost in 1988, like you’re a bitch in search of a lily pond.

ALICIA: I’ll have you know I’ve won several…

HARVEY: Are you sure you’re 27? My Nana once wore that to the pictures.

ALICIA: Well, I’m 27 if IMDb says I’m 27, you get me?

HARVEY: You’ve got moxie, I’ll give you that. Okay, we can still do lunch — I’ve been wanting to do a project. It’s called Diahann Carroll: Hell Yeah. Or maybe, Bitch In Search Of A Lily Pond.
It could be a documentary. Or a reality show. Or a dark revenge
bodice-ripper set in the cutthroat world of Olympic archery. Quentin
can direct. You in? You could play Diahann. Man, that woman could slit
a jugular.

ALICIA: I don’t think that happened on Dynasty. Or Julia. Or anything she did.

HARVEY: It did if I say it did. Have your people call my people. And then have them burn those clothes.


Alicia Fugs

From the waist up: cute and comfortable and flattering. From the waist down: OH MY GOD I CAN’T SIT DOWN IN THIS SKIRT, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Um, that’s tight. And shiny. And 80s. And shiny. And tight.  And shiny.

When you’re a pear-shaped girl — as so very many of us are — it’s not the greatest idea to shrink wrap the bottom of the pear like this. Every single fashion magazine in the world advises you to find a skirt that lightly skims the pear, and every time I read that, I think, “blah blah, skim the pear, yadda yadda, where’s that article about how using the right night cream will prevent me from needing Botox next week?” And yet, it seems that the fashion magazines are correct. Which I suppose means that I need to go out and buy that cream.


Fug and Away

Last night, at a Hollywood Function:

Tom Cruise pretends to listen to Alicia Keys, but really, he thinks, “Her bangs. They’re so smooth and even, yet so long. They’re glorious. I wish mine would do that. How ever does she manage that? Would it be rude to ask? I wonder.”


BET Awards Fug Carpet: Alicia Keys

Generally, I have been willing to suffer through a lot of what Alicia Keys does lately, simply because I’m so grateful that she has stopped glueing an entire Michael’s shelf of glitter to her eyelids.


[Photo by
Daily Celeb.]

In addition to being the kind of pants I feel like a guy designed because he figured, hey, chicks probably like ribbons — when actually, those hanging bow tails bumping up against my ankles would be akin to water torture — I also feel the need to point out the obvious: Those are some snug capris. Judging by the creases of strain across her groin, her crotch would really like to bust out of that prison.

But an even bigger problem than the pants is that shirt. Not only does it offer an unflattering view of her stomach and corset-bra, but it appears to be throttling her.

Cute shoes, though. It has to be said.


I Keep On Falling In Fug

Alicia Keys, at a recent concert:

You know that game they sometimes force you to play at wedding showers, where you have to dress people as brides using only toilet paper? This is like that, except GONE HORRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG.