Fugger: Alicia Keys

Alicia Fugs


For the love of little green apples, could someone please give Alicia Keys a hand figuring out what to wear?

She obviously needs the help. You know, unless the plan was to look like a really committed extra from a poorly costumed high school production of Grease.

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Well Played, Alicia Keys


Damn! Do my eyes deceive me, or is Alicia Keys finally wearing something sort of regal and classy?

She looks a little bit like she just wandered off the set of Dreamgirls II: Wake Up, Y’all. But it totally works on her; I’m thrilled Alicia is at long last wearing something worthy of her face. I was especially tired of seeing her dressed in jumpsuits that made me want to check her back for humps, so really, everybody wins.

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The Fugary of Alicia Keys


I totally understand the temptation, when you find something you love and which flatters you, to buy it in a couple different colors. But what I can’t figure out is why this little number ranks as one of those repeat buys for Alicia Keys. You may remember the crotch-hugging miseries of this jumpsuit from when she wore it in blue:

I think it’s even worse in this hue, because now it looks like sweatpants she sewed to the top half of an evening gown. And, of course, there’s the issue of the bulky bushel-and-a-peck it gives her. It’s a cross between camel-toe and polterwang (camelwang? No — poltertoe, I think) and it’s incredibly distracting. I barely notice how beautifully and cleanly she’s been doing her makeup lately, because I keep wincing at the rest.

If this is what we have to look forward to as she pimps her new album, then I’m DEFINITELY out. I can’t handle an Alicia Keys and the Amazing Technicolor Poltertoe tour.

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American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Alicia Keys


There’s a lot I don’t understand about Alicia Keys. Like, say, why I am so sick of all her songs, or why she’s on the cover of Entertainment Weekly and I still can’t muster up the energy to read anything more than the headline on her story before I flip ahead to the big ol’ dishy piece on Gossip Girl (although I’ll grant that last one probably says a lot more about me than it does about Alicia, and parenthetically, if that show would just give in already and hire Joan Collins to be some kind of grande dame of English society trying to infiltrate the Upper East — possibly as man-whore Chuck’s unexpectedly British grandmother — I would die happy).

Chiefly, though, I don’t understand why Alicia would decide to change out of this:


[Photo: Splash News]

To this:

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FugRL


MICHALKA 1: How do I keep things new? Well, my tip is, instead of a boring old store-bought bracelet, you can MAKE one! How? It’s easy: PAINTER’S TAPE!

ALICIA KEYS: That’s… great, yeah! Sigh. How did I get roped into this? Is Ashton Kutcher back there somewhere? He is, isn’t he?

MICHALKA 2: Whatever, dude — I mean, I guess tape is okay, but Daddy’s necktie drawer works just as well for accessories AND it doesn’t pull any hair off your arm.

ALICIA: Hysterical, really. Yeah. Now come on — who did this? Was it Beyonce? It’s always freakin’ Beyonce.

MICHALKA 1: EWWWW, you have HAIR on your ARMS?

ALICIA: Did that bitch tell you I was available to give credibility to these two? They’re not even the real Olsen Twins! What, am I not BIG ENOUGH for the real Olsen Twins?

MICHALKA 2: Shut UP, beeyotch, it’s NORMAL! Not EVERYONE feels the need to wax everything in sight! God, you’re so MEAN. I’m telling Mom!

ALICIA: I can’t believe this. I’m just going to smile at the host and pretend they’re not here. And after I kill whoever agreed to this booking, I’m gonna to slap the disco fever out of whoever left me nothing but this jumpsuit to wear. Are we sure Punk’d got cancelled?

MICHALKA 1: FINE, then I’ll tell Mom you cut up one of her favorite blazers to make that vest after you saw one like it on Melrose Place!

ALICIA: Seriously, I am in pretty good shape. But next to them, in these pants? EACH of my legs looks like two of theirs put together. That is twisted.

MICHALKA 2: You wouldn’t DARE! And anyway, it’s better than what Alicia’s wearing! She’d need to hire another assistant just to handle zipper duty all day!

ALICIA: I did NOT just hear that. I DID NOT just HEAR THAT. First of all, it’s Ms. Keys if you’re nasty. And if you’re not.

MICHALKA 1: Ha ha ha, that was good, Aly! Or are you AJ? Sometimes even I forget.

ALICIA: I give up. You know what? I’m just gonna chill and enjoy the fact that this is the last time I’m ever coming here with people so young they were probably still eating paste five years ago.

MICHALKA 1: Oh, my GOD, that reminds me: You know what works awesome if you’re out of white eye shadow? GLUE! Your eyes look so big!

ALICIA: I rest my case.

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Fuglicia Keys


HARVEY WEINSTEIN: So anyway, like I was saying, you are magic on Grey’s Anatomy. Just magic.

ALICIA KEYS: On… excuse me?

HARVEY: The way you play the mother of that guy… you know, the one who got fired… sparks fly off the screen. I’m serious.

ALICIA: Wait, I think you might be…

HARVEY: I haven’t been so turned on by an older woman since you were on Dynasty. Those were some serious turbans. Serious SEX turbans. If you hadn’t been Blake’s half-sister, that could’ve been hot, I tell ya.

ALICIA: Did you just say “sex turbans”?

HARVEY: You’re goddamn right I did. Listen, let’s do lunch. Or dinner. Or brunch. Except I don’t care for the cantaloupe, so maybe not brunch.

ALICIA: I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not…

HARVEY: Honey, I want to be in the Diahann Carroll business. Let’s make it happen. You look GREAT for your age, Diahann, although we might want to rethink that spelling. It makes my intestines throb.

ALICIA: How about we spell it “Alicia Keys”? I’m 27, and I’m a singer. Seriously, you have NO idea who I am?

HARVEY: Keys? Never heard of it. But I like the cut of your jib. Not the cut of your dress, though, we’ll have to change the whole thing. And the shoes — you look lost in 1988, like you’re a bitch in search of a lily pond.

ALICIA: I’ll have you know I’ve won several…

HARVEY: Are you sure you’re 27? My Nana once wore that to the pictures.

ALICIA: Well, I’m 27 if IMDb says I’m 27, you get me?

HARVEY: You’ve got moxie, I’ll give you that. Okay, we can still do lunch — I’ve been wanting to do a project. It’s called Diahann Carroll: Hell Yeah. Or maybe, Bitch In Search Of A Lily Pond.
It could be a documentary. Or a reality show. Or a dark revenge
bodice-ripper set in the cutthroat world of Olympic archery. Quentin
can direct. You in? You could play Diahann. Man, that woman could slit
a jugular.

ALICIA: I don’t think that happened on Dynasty. Or Julia. Or anything she did.

HARVEY: It did if I say it did. Have your people call my people. And then have them burn those clothes.

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