Fugger: Alicia Keys

Refugged: Alicia Keys

Well, now I just feel betrayed. In the immortal words of Tyra Banks, “Wah-WAAAAAAAH.” So captivated was I by Alicia Keys’ lack of uncomfortably skintight pants and/or crotch-chafing jumpsuit, I never really LOOKED at her legs. If I had, I would have noticed — thanks to some truly unfortunate backlighting — that while she has a very nice pair of gams, apparently there is a reason she defaults to pants.

Your eyes do not deceive you: That is leg hair. Let’s go in for a close-up:
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World Music Awards: Well Played, Alicia Keys

It’s unusual for me to wake up on a Monday feeling chipper. Yet here I am, not only in a good mood, but also feeling relieved and proud and even a tough smug.

Why, you ask? Because my intervention WORKED.

Look how hot Alicia Keys is! Yes, she could use a meatball or three, but some of that might just be the angle of the photograph. But please, celebrate with me: She’s wearing a dress that FITS. In an awesome color. With simple but striking makeup. And I want her purse.

But wait. It gets better. Because unlike other awards shows, where she started out strong and then climbed through the looking glass, here Alicia showed actual restraint:

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Like You’ll Never Fug Me Again

Dear Alicia Keys:

This is an intervention.

You have GOT TO STOP with the constant stream of unflattering skintight pants. They look terrible on you. Seriously. You don’t HAVE to compete with Rihanna, you know, trying to be all space-age trendy and stuff. Just because she’s hot doesn’t mean you AREN’T; she just knows better than this. We see you’re talented, we see you’re fit, we see you’re trim. You don’t need to prove it with pants that look like you need an entire team of backstage interns just to get them up, or down, over your hips (although that makes going to the bathroom a more convivial experience, consider how much simpler it would be if you didn’t have to fit twelve people in the stall with you). Maybe you think pants this snug force your voice into its upper register; maybe they make you more aerodynamic for when you jump onstage. I don’t know. But they’re not worth it. So unless you WANT to be for Monistat what Jessica Simpson is for Proactiv, get yourself to crotch rehab, stat.


BET Awards You Make the Call: Alicia Keys

You know how there are those days when you totally don’t know what to wear and you wish you could just bring like four outfits to work or whatever and change it all? Alicia Keys actually did that at the BETs. First, we’ve got her pink cocktail dress on the red carpet:

Which I think I love. Yes, I WILL give you a congratulatory fist bump you over this dress, Alicia. Thank you for offering.

Then we had the performance outfit:

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Alicia Fugs

For the love of little green apples, could someone please give Alicia Keys a hand figuring out what to wear?

She obviously needs the help. You know, unless the plan was to look like a really committed extra from a poorly costumed high school production of Grease.


Well Played, Alicia Keys

Damn! Do my eyes deceive me, or is Alicia Keys finally wearing something sort of regal and classy?

She looks a little bit like she just wandered off the set of Dreamgirls II: Wake Up, Y’all. But it totally works on her; I’m thrilled Alicia is at long last wearing something worthy of her face. I was especially tired of seeing her dressed in jumpsuits that made me want to check her back for humps, so really, everybody wins.


The Fugary of Alicia Keys

I totally understand the temptation, when you find something you love and which flatters you, to buy it in a couple different colors. But what I can’t figure out is why this little number ranks as one of those repeat buys for Alicia Keys. You may remember the crotch-hugging miseries of this jumpsuit from when she wore it in blue:

I think it’s even worse in this hue, because now it looks like sweatpants she sewed to the top half of an evening gown. And, of course, there’s the issue of the bulky bushel-and-a-peck it gives her. It’s a cross between camel-toe and polterwang (camelwang? No — poltertoe, I think) and it’s incredibly distracting. I barely notice how beautifully and cleanly she’s been doing her makeup lately, because I keep wincing at the rest.

If this is what we have to look forward to as she pimps her new album, then I’m DEFINITELY out. I can’t handle an Alicia Keys and the Amazing Technicolor Poltertoe tour.