Fugger: Alanis Morissette

Jagged Little Fug

What happened to Alanis Morissette?

[Photo: Splash News]

She used to be kind of an edgy rocker type, or at least, someone who seemed sort of amused to get to play an edgy rocker type. Now she’s your coworker at Kinko’s who wears polyester pants and sensible trainers with her large vests, and keeps guilt-tripping everyone into coming to see her wicked-awesome Bangles cover band, Ovarian Love Bracelet, only to get them all to a show and then humiliatingly dedicate “Eternal Flame” to the dude who takes the passport photos. I’ve got one hand in my pocket, Alanis, and the other is covering my eyes. ZING. Thank you, good night! Tip the kid replacing the ink in Copier #2!

Edited to add: Yes, I know the rumor is that she’s pregnant, but that’s beside the point. I know plenty of pregnant women who don’t wear that outfit. Particularly those pants. ESPECIALLY those pants.


Golden Globes Fug Carpet: Alanis Morissette

I don’t know what the deal is Alanis Morissette.

Are she and Dreamy Ryan Reynolds into kinky role playing sex games? Because the last time we saw her, she looked, as Heather put it, “like Demi Moore circa 1987, if she’d been cast as Billie Jean King in a CBS Miniseries Event.” Now, she’s more like the oldest daughter in Eight is Enough, starring in a community theatre production of The Sound of Music, and this is her costume for the scene in which Captain Von Trapp throws the ball, and she’s only supposed to be watching the children until they sing their little song and scamper up the stairs, and then the Baroness talks him into letting her stay for dinner — mostly, of course, to vaguely humiliate her and her convent-learned manners — and she claims she has nothing to wear, and indeed puts on a this homespun looking little frock which pales next to the Baroness’s shiny gold outfit, and of course, it doesn’t matter, because Maria’s spunky goodness is more than enough for the Captain to decide that there isn’t going to be any Baroness, but in this instance, I think this is a little too All Natural Fibers Woven By Blind Carmelites, topped off with a haphazard salute to toplessness.


Alanis Fugisette

Even throughout her confusing career metamorphosis from bubblegum pop princess to embittered rocker to Zen Earth mother to schmoopy, engaged balladeer, Alanis Morrisette has usually managed to maintain something edgy about her appearance.

Until now.

She looks like Demi Moore circa 1987, if she’d been cast as Billie Jean King in a CBS Miniseries Event. And that is not acceptable. The Alanis Morrissette who deep-throated Dave Coulier in the back of a theater — and then sang about it right before she misinformed an entire generation about the definition of “irony” — would hate Alanis Jean King, her bangs, and her wilting perm. Last decade’s Alanis would punch this one in the mouth and snap her glasses in two, and then use the shards as a sex toy. We certainly didn’t sit through the angry phase, the walking-naked-in-traffic-with-only-her-hair-over-her-bits era, and the hostage-crisis dress just to end up here. Not in that dowdy jacket.

[I would ask  her hot fiance Ryan Reynolds to have a word with her, were he not wearing the facial hair and fatigued expression of a 32-year old calculus professor who can't figure out how, precisely, his young life is already so boring that he writes his own word problems for sport. He doesn't seem to be in any mood or position to tell his betrothed that even the ladies from Heart abandoned that haircut.]

In sum: Alanis, we’re very happy you’re happy, and going to hockey games, and banging somebody who doesn’t ape Bullwinkle for profit. But think how much sweeter it would all be with a better coif, and without one of your father’s suit jackets.


Isn’t It Fugronic?

A classic example of what we here at Go Fug Yourself call, “the scrolldown.” The photo looks fine, until you scroll down and unleash the horror of the bottom half.

I don’t hate the shirt. I think it would actually look cute with dark jeans and sexy heel. But the pants? Oy, the pants.

b) Are those Dockers? At an event that is not a work-sponsored team-building retreat involving chair pyramids and tug of war? Let’s call them Bad Idea Khakis.

**** Note: Although the photo caption identifies this woman as Alanis, she looks REMARKABLY like Party of Five‘s Lacey Chabert. Further examination reveals that it is, I THINK, Alanis. Here, she appears to be thanking India:

I’d also like to point out that the shirt becomes more troubling the more I see of it, but I still think that hot jeans and shoes could possibly rescue. WE HAVE TO KEEP SOME HOPE ALIVE, PEOPLE.


You Live, You Fug

[Photo by Daily Celeb.]

Oh, Alanis. You look so happy these days, generally, and that’s nice to see, but you just can’t quite get the dressing thing down pat. This really is Scarlett O’Hara 2004 — a velvet drape you wrapped around yourself and cinched with various scarves and a belt. Which you may have felt tied in the suede boots, but… it doesn’t, Alanis. It really doesn’t.

Although perhaps she already knows; her facial expression has a glint of, “You and I both know this thing used to hang from a pole in the Anthropologie dressing room, but let’s just play nice for today, ‘kay?”


Radio Music Awards Fug Carpet: Alanis Morissette

I’m happy Alanis Morrissette freed herself from a hostage situation so she could come to the RMAs, but she could’ve cut off the electrical tape and gotten dressed before showing up on the red carpet.