Fug File: You The Jury

You The Jury: Kate Beckinsale


I was going to call this just a “Cannesnibus,” but then I realized people would think I was implying something about Kate, France, and cannabis, when in fact I’m just trying to make terrible wordplay involving the word “omnibus.” So instead, I’m asking y’all to put on your Twelve Angry Men hats and judge whether Kate Beckinsale, Cannes juror 2010, did herself proud on the film festival’s red carpet.

Let’s begin:
The prosecution wonders where Kate ate lunch, and asks if someone would notify the proprietor of the restaurant that she left with her napkin still tucked into her skirt. Further, it wonders why everything in the bodice is floaty AND flappy AND off-kilter, suggesting that it looks as though it has been through a hurricane, or perhaps been fugged by a smoke monster. The defense points out that it’s different and cool and an amalgam of interesting colors, concluding in really lovely pumps. The prosecution suggests that argument is as boring as certain parts of Pearl Harbor.
Exhibit B:

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Grammys Fug Weekend ‘You The Jury’: Carrie Underwood


Well, she didn’t change clothes five times like she does at all the country music shows, but thank God we do have three Carrie Underwood ensembles to chew on from this year’s Grammys and its related shindigs. Want to file into the jury box and look impassive while the lawyers present their arguments? Y’all are welcome to deliberate in the comments as well.

EXHIBIT A: Red Carpet
The prosecution opens by pointing out that the neckline of this dress makes Carrie look like she’s hunched, but the defense is ready: It posits that the unusual bodice is the only reason anyone is discussing this dress at all, and that it’s very creative and fun. The prosecution counters that this might be better without the horizontal bit that looks like she has been lassoed, and suggests this is what enslaved vestal virgins are wearing in the court of the galactic emperor in 2314, and when the defense is all, “How would you KNOW THAT,” the prosecution shrugs and then makes a big show of looking for the keys to the office DeLorean. The defense pouts that it’s super cool and she’s hot so WHATEVER.  But the prosecution isn’t done; it yawns that it’s sick of white on the red carpet, and blames Kate Hudson. The defense objects, nothing that people are also generally sick of Kate Hudson herself, and contends that opposing counsel is only invoking that name to instill in the jury an annoyed feeling that will create unfair bias. The judge instructs the jury to ignore any feelings of ill-will toward Kate Hudson, no matter how overrated Almost Famous and all of her ensuing performances have been. The prosecution leaps up to insist that How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days is secretly kind of okay, but the judge bangs the gavel and decrees Kate Hudson to be seriously off-topic and irrelevant here unless we are discussing show-stopping yellow dresses, actresses who date athletes and whether their genitals sup on the players’ abilities, or the Please Leave Owen Wilson Alone online fan club.

Exhibit B: Performance

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CMA Awards ‘You The Jury’ Fug: Carrie Underwood Omnibus


It wouldn’t be a country music awards gala if Carrie Underwood didn’t wear eleventy-four different outfits through the course of the night. So, people of the jury, get comfortable in your chairs and prepare to sift through the evidence to determine whether a crime was committed. You may deliberate in the comments.

Exhibit A:

The prosecution frowns that this mirrored dress mostly eliminates her waist, and reflects the red carpet in such a way that it becomes an artistic interpretation of internal bleeding. The defense snorts that the prosecutors are all a bunch of Crabby McCrabbersons, and puts in a call to some wig vendors to see about replicating this coif, because it’s cute, and so is she.  The prosecution wonders if this would’ve been better at knee length, but quiets down when one of the defense attorneys tries to take a pair of scissors to her jeans in order to prove the point that not EVERYTHING needs to be knee-length, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Exhibit B:

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You The Jury: SWINTONfest ’09


Know what makes a holiday long weekend even better? Returning to work and finding that SWINTON has been a social butterfly. She’s been flitting from flick to flick at the Venice Film Festival, so let’s put her cavalcade of fashion on trial, shall we?

First up is this number:

The prosecution collectively winces and pulls out a giant pair of sunglasses, citing the retina-searing potency of SWINTON’s red-orange lipstick. The lead attorney then asks if she needs the number of a good blacksmith to get those hooves shod, and suggests she needs to be fed more regularly. The defense snorts that the shoes are funky, and compliments SWINTON on her choice of navy and the intricate, sleek draping of this dress. At this, the prosecution chortles and submits the following alternate angle into evidence:

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You The Jury: Drew Barrymore


Folks are swooning over more of Drew Barrymore’s Grey Gardens press tour looks, but I find myself riding the fence, no matter how hard I try to get off because it’s giving me unpleasant (not to mention unsightly) splinters. So let’s just put her on trial, shall we?

Exhibit A:

The prosecution opens by asking if Drew borrowed this from a much taller woman, or if it’s just that she only shaved her legs up to mid-calf; it then follows with an argument that saddle-shoe/orthopedic sandal hybrids are too aggressive when you’re showing so little leg. The lead attorney passes around flyers to raise funds for the American Association of Stumpification, which is trying to build awareness of this tragic national affliction.

The defense leaps up and points out that, okay, while one COULD construe the color as being very Mother of the Bride, it’s also very striking and pretty against Drew’s skin. As the prosecution begins flipping through a copy of Bobbi Brown’s makeup manual to see if there’s a chapter on whether it’s advisable to match one’s eye makeup to one’s outfit, one of the assistants begins sneezing and apologizes to the judge, pointing out that he is allergic to hay and therefore Drew’s hair is setting off an attack. The defense throws some Kleenex and a bottle of Afrin at the prosecution’s table, noting that the peacock hair clip is actually rather cool and the updo is artfully dishevelled rather than ill-attended bedhead. When the argument reaches a fever pitch, the judge bangs the gavel and warns the author of this post that any further ham-handed use of Drew Barrymore’s resume in this post will result in punishment.

Now onto Exhibit B:

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Grammy Awards Fug Trial: Carrie Underwood


Good old Carrie Underwood. No matter what’s happening in the world, you can count on her to wear at least three different things on any given awards show night, and generally they all leave me scratching my head and wondering if any of them are secretly cute, or overtly awesome, or obviously evil. It’s like I have no fugdar with her. That’s why the Fug Justice System exists. Take your seats, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It’s time for Exhibit A in The People vs. Yet More Carrie Underwood Outfits.

The prosecution opens by noting that this looks like what a witch might wear to her local planetarium. Excited, the defense’s second-in-command jumps up and announces that this has given him an excellent idea for his child’s Science Fair project and asks to be excused. A prosecutor sneers that, if the idea if stomping on empty aluminum cans and then gluing them to a trash bag, then by all means, go, because then the defense will lose the Science Fair too. Dejected, the defender sits down and swigs from a hip flask. The judge holds him in contempt for not using a flask that straps to the ankle, which is more interesting.

Moving onto Exhibit B:

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