Fug File: WTF

VMAs Fug Carpet: Amber Rose

It’s already been pointed out that Amber Rose appears to have been channeling Rose McGowan at the 1998 VMA.

Amber Rose In Strings at VMAs 2014

Seriously, “Amber Rose McGowan” feels like an answer on Wheel of Fortune that neither Pat Sajak nor Vanna White would fully understand. To be fair to Amber, McGowan’s was see-through in front — her thong was leopard, her nipples were not (does that make Wiz Khalifa the Marilyn Manson in this scenario?)(wow, suddenly I want to see that quadrangle out to dinner somewhere; I think Marilyn would be miserable). But RMG being more naked does not make Amber’s any less absurd. It’s like Princess Leia came out of Jabba’s lair and decided to empower herself through fashion.

It’s also not the first time Amber has worn strings (Kanye West may have singlehandedly guided her to her Fug Madness crown). I don’t even know if it’s the worst time Amber has worn strings. You BET I am going to make you vote on which is worse, the spandex jail or the cage of sparkle. But before I do that, I want you to contemplate two things: 1) Amber’s hubby Wiz wore a shirt with suicide hotline information on it, which is a nice idea and very important, and TOTALLY got overshadowed by his wife’s metal floss, so maybe he needs to learn to pick his moments better; 2) is it an ACTUAL crime against the universe if she and Kim Kardashian did not run into each other in the bathroom line? I think it is.

Which of Amber Rose's strings is worse?

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[Photo: AKM-GSI]


Fugly, Fully Loaded: Lindsay Lohan

I don’t know how often we’ll really be checking in on this one for a while, since at this point her legal name might as well be Troubled Actress Lindsay Lohan. After Lindsay I feel SOME pity for the fact that her well of clear-eyed common sense is not only empty, but a decrepit, crumbling husk — and yet I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for someone who’s had so many chances and even had OPRAH yanking on her bootstraps and still manages to insist everything is fine, and in fact willfully act like a douche. There’s a point at which sometimes you go, “Fine, if that’s the game you want to play, then I’M IN. ROLL TO SEE WHO GOES FIRST.”

I can’t decide if this means she is going first, or I am.

Lindsay Lohan in New York City

This outfit is the fashion equivalent of a textbook cross-section of the human body. I wish it WERE simply For Science. Maybe it’s the ultimate test of Everyone Looks Hotter In Sunglasses. And I’ll give her that her head is making a strong case for itself, but girl, are those ACTUAL blinders?

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


If I Fug: Chloe Grace Moretz in Schiaparelli

I feel like it HAS to be a scam that this is anything other than a Free People maxi with evil window dressing.

Chloe Grace Moretz If I Stay premiere

It seriously looks like unimaginative high-school drama club costuming — Inept Villainy 101, or Introduction to Unimaginative Goth. CGM is only seventeen, so she certainly doesn’t HAVE to have more interesting taste than this, nor is she under obligation to anyone to come up with a personal-style throughline. But she is obviously heavily styled and smart enough to be playing the game, so my question is: Do you really win at Risk by scattering your pieces all over every conceivable corner of the board, or is it better to focus your efforts? (The same philosophy could be applied to a GFY post that begins with Free People and ends with a board game metaphor, but in my defense, the sheer overlay and grievous bodily harm it’s committing to her torso have driven me briefly, wildly insane.)

Here is a close-up of the pattern underneath:

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I Will Never Let You Fug: Rita Ora

This dress is so bad that I feel like I’m watching it sag into a deep funk.

Rita Ora

It’s awful on her. Did something spill on her original choice, and they had to make do with something sized for someone with a way longer torso? She looks like Drew Barrymore in Scream plus the Jiffy Pop in that scene, times half of Dirty Dancing. If she were Baby, they would not only LEAVE her in the corner, but barricade her there with a row of chairs and then sit in them like human camouflage.

She further pressed her luck and got this whammy:

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All of Fug: Chrissy Teigen

Chrissy used every trick she could think of to make this work…

Chrissy Teigen at DKNY Fragrance Launch

… but not even a pillowcase and reeds from a Gandalf wig could hide that she’d stolen the slacks off an eighty-year old.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]


Fug, Fines, and WTF: Various Kardashian/Jenner Offspring

I don’t know how Kim has not figured out that tight skirts with horizontal patterns across her hips do NOT do for her what she thinks they do.

Kylie Jenner, Kendall Jenner, Kim Kardashian, Teen Choice Awards

But I mean, apart from looking like something you could buy on The Sims for your bangin’ bachelor pad, Kim actually is not the problem here. Nor is Kylie. No, it’s Kendall who needs a Get-a-Grip Friend to tell her she looks like she’s wearing rotting linens. Beyond that, though, the whole outfit feels like something Angie Harmon would wear, but with actual finished pant legs, and Angie Harmon — whom I love, conceptually — IS IN HER FORTIES. Kendall is eighteen. It’s cool to want to grow up to be Angie Harmon — I will feel that way until I die, I suspect — but not when you still have like THIRTY YEARS to get there.

However. Kendall did not have the worst sartorial weekend of the lot.

that honor goes to Kourtney