If I hadn’t stuck her name in the headline, I might’ve tried to trick you into thinking that was Kristen Stewart. It’s uncanny, no? If Amber Heard’s acting career doesn’t work out on its own, maybe she should try to hitch a ride on the Stewart Express somewhere. Imagine a straight-to-DVD Twilight 5: Breaking Brunch Time. Or Panic Room 2: Oops, We Left Her In There. Sold. Anyway, clearly — based on the slides — I have definite feelings about who won this, and that it wasn’t even really a contest. But I do love a poll, so…
The first news is that Elisabeth Moss has scrapped the blonde.
I actually miss it, although I suspect it’s because Peggy Olsen has not yet discovered peroxide. But maybe what’s holding her back here, for me, is the fact that her makeup seems to belong with a totally different outfit. As do her shorts, which are so nondescript and tiresome. She’s, like, jazz hands on the top and gym rat on the bottom. I wish I could’ve seen the blazer and bright shirt with a skinny pant, or stylized tuxedo trouser. But if she had her heart set on formal shorts, I think she needed more interesting shoes with them. You need to SELL those suckers. To put this in terms Peggy would appreciate, those shorts are baked beans. You need to trick people into thinking they’re a delicious idea.
Beyonce may have been the Omega of transparency on the red carpet last night, but there were plenty of other comers before her — including the Former Queen of Spiky Bangs Rooney Mara, and the pretender to her throne, Marion Cotillard.
I say “pretender” because, while they’re a little dated and feathered (despite being so short) on Marion, they also don’t distract me from how adorable her face is. Whereas Rooney’s just looked like traumatic event — which is apt for Lisbeth Salander, but rough sledding for a starlet.
Let’s consider the outfits, though. Marion here has a gown that I think might have been truly gorgeous, had the ombre effect been opaque, rather than an exercise in skirty-hose — you know, sheer like nylons, flowy like a dress. Sometimes I just think, look, if you want to wear booty shorts that badly, then stick to your guns and wear them and hang the consequences. Let us hate them if we must, or love them if we dare. Just don’t prevaricate.
At Fashion Week, we spotlighted this dress from Tadashi Shoji and said we liked it, cautiously — that we were afraid whoever tried to wear it first would do something terrible with it, before anybody else could do it right. Let’s see if Mena here did it justice:
Well, the pink lipstick is all wrong with this. It’s as if head and body were not considered together, when in fact — last I checked — they are attached and should therefore try to be complementary. The bob is cute, but the model’s sleeker hair and simple red lip would’ve been clever to echo. As for the dress, Mena has shortened it somewhat from where the model’s hits her — which was a good decision, because the runway length is hard to pull off unless you are that exact size, walking around on those exact legs. She also scrapped the tights and went with heavier shoes. I’m neutral on that change. The dress can carry dark tights, but it certainly doesn’t need them. All in all, though, I’m pretty pleased with this deployment — seriously, I was terrified someone would throw in a needless belt, or Mia Wasikowska would wear it with thick white shoes that look like she fished them out of Aunt Edna’s attic. That did not happen. Hooray for small miracles. (Note to Mia: You could still wear this. You could do it with the right makeup, and NOT wear Aunt Edna’s shoes, and it could look really good. Please consider.)
Florence Welch went with a long-form version in green:
Well, I should hope she changed before this party — a girl can’t mangle some crudite if she’s worried the evidence will sully her white Valentino.
We liked the Valentino, however controversial that opinion might have been (don’t y’all ever like it when we surprise you?); me, I worried she’d have gone full Hailee Steinfeld and picked a princessy pink sparkly thing that was as safe as a bank and about as boisterous. So I like that she took a chance with something sophisticated that stood out and said something, even if that something was, “Team Leia.”
As for THIS, well, this is vivid in a different way. This is Team Birdcage. (You can be on both teams. They almost never play each other.) You can see the slip poking out the bottom, so obviously it’s fully lined, even though it WANTS you to squint at it and see if you can find a nipple amid the fireworks. Which you wouldn’t have anyway:
Like so many before her, Cameron Diaz decided to change out of her well-fitted red-carpet gown and into something bolder for the post-parties.
Orange is great on her, even if it’s a touch snug. Tight as a drum. Then again, I guess a girl doesn’t spend months flipping monster truck tires with A.Rod to wear a muumuu to the freaking Oscars. She earned every last muscle; I just wonder if she needed to squeeze them so hard that they mate with her ribs.
Let’s zoom in on the shoulders, and no, I don’t mean her muscles: