Fug File: Who Fugged It More

Met Ball Fug/Fab Face-Off: Marion vs Rooney

Beyonce may have been the Omega of transparency on the red carpet last night, but there were plenty of other comers before her — including the Former Queen of Spiky Bangs Rooney Mara, and the pretender to her throne, Marion Cotillard.

I say “pretender” because, while they’re a little dated and feathered (despite being so short) on Marion, they also don’t distract me from how adorable her face is. Whereas Rooney’s just looked like traumatic event — which is apt for Lisbeth Salander, but rough sledding for a starlet.

Let’s consider the outfits, though. Marion here has a gown that I think might have been truly gorgeous, had the ombre effect been opaque, rather than an exercise in skirty-hose — you know, sheer like nylons, flowy like a dress. Sometimes I just think, look, if you want to wear booty shorts that badly, then stick to your guns and wear them and hang the consequences. Let us hate them if we must, or love them if we dare. Just don’t prevaricate.

Ditto to Rooney:

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Fug/Fab Face-Off: Mena Suvari vs. Florence Welch

At Fashion Week, we spotlighted this dress from Tadashi Shoji and said we liked it, cautiously — that we were afraid whoever tried to wear it first would do something terrible with it, before anybody else could do it right. Let’s see if Mena here did it justice:

Well, the pink lipstick is all wrong with this. It’s as if head and body were not considered together, when in fact — last I checked — they are attached and should therefore try to be complementary. The bob is cute, but the model’s sleeker hair and simple red lip would’ve been clever to echo. As for the dress, Mena has shortened it somewhat from where the model’s hits her — which was a good decision, because the runway length is hard to pull off unless you are that exact size, walking around on those exact legs. She also scrapped the tights and went with heavier shoes. I’m neutral on that change. The dress can carry dark tights, but it certainly doesn’t need them. All in all, though, I’m pretty pleased with this deployment — seriously, I was terrified someone would throw in a needless belt, or Mia Wasikowska would wear it with thick white shoes that look like she fished them out of Aunt Edna’s attic. That did not happen. Hooray for small miracles. (Note to Mia: You could still wear this. You could do it with the right makeup, and NOT wear Aunt Edna’s shoes, and it could look really good. Please consider.)

Florence Welch went with a long-form version in green:

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Oscars Fug/Fab Face-Off: Shailene Woodley vs. Herself

Well, I should hope she changed before this party — a girl can’t mangle some crudite if she’s worried the evidence will sully her white Valentino.

We liked the Valentino, however controversial that opinion might have been (don’t y’all ever like it when we surprise you?); me, I worried she’d have gone full Hailee Steinfeld and picked a princessy pink sparkly thing that was as safe as a bank and about as boisterous. So I like that she took a chance with something sophisticated that stood out and said something, even if that something was, “Team Leia.”

As for THIS, well, this is vivid in a different way. This is TeamĀ Birdcage. (You can be on both teams. They almost never play each other.) You can see the slip poking out the bottom, so obviously it’s fully lined, even though it WANTS you to squint at it and see if you can find a nipple amid the fireworks. Which you wouldn’t have anyway:

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Oscar Fug/Fab Face-Off: Cameron Diaz vs Herself

Like so many before her, Cameron Diaz decided to change out of her well-fitted red-carpet gown and into something bolder for the post-parties.

Orange is great on her, even if it’s a touch snug. Tight as a drum. Then again, I guess a girl doesn’t spend months flipping monster truck tires with A.Rod to wear a muumuu to the freaking Oscars. She earned every last muscle; I just wonder if she needed to squeeze them so hard that they mate with her ribs.

Let’s zoom in on the shoulders, and no, I don’t mean her muscles:

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Oscar Fug/Fab Face-Off: Rose Byrne vs. Anna Faris

Call this one the Battle of the Bobs, or the Case of the Wet-Look Black Sequined Dresses, although frankly that last one sounds way more boring. It’s like the sequel to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, if that movie were about accessories.

Anyway, let’s start with Rose Byrne, shall we?

The trouble with this gown, I think, is that it’s cut to be Grecian and drapey, except sequins generally don’t really DO Grecian and drapey, so the effect is just ill-fitting. Like someone just skipped a stone on a lake and it’s still rippling. Also, I know the shoes are peep-toe platform pumps, but from this angle they remind me of these hideous thick-soled slip-on sandals I bought at Nine West about fourteen years ago, back when such things were in style. I had buyer’s remorse about three days later; they were like rubberized hooves. I’m surprised I didn’t get drunk one night and turn up at a blacksmith’s. So now I have an awkward flashback associated with this dress, and I covet the spiky shoes of the lady walking through the background. Neither will be cured anytime soon, so let’s wash away the taste with a shot of the back:

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Fug or Fab, and a Face-Off: Jessica Chastain

This is from the same Elie Saab collection as the green dress Nina Dobrev wore to the PCAs.

The consistency here seems to be an “almost… not quite” deployment of lace, which Fug Nation correctly noted looked like a strange skin ailment on Dobrev, and which here is stretched over her chest like a window and helps give off the impression Chastain just polished her brass knockers. The color is still great, though, and the rest of it is breezy and pretty. The sunset at Nipple Beach is really the most distracting part — well, that, and the fact that this last-ditch deployment of green has me fearing she’ll go baby pink or nude at the Oscars, which will make my eyeballs explode, and y’all KNOW how much I hate even the mere mention of eyeball-related shenanigans (and if you didn’t, you do now), and so you know I MEAN IT.

But there has to be a winner! THERE HAS TO.

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Later, Chastain pulled out this number:

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