Fug File: Unfug It Up

Unfug It Up: Jess Weixler in Prada


Let’s take this in stages, slowly zooming in on her face. Because in the end, that’s the best part.

[Photos: Splash]

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Unfug It Up: Bellamy Young


I want to love this. From the waist down, it’s totally serviceable:

Bellamy Young at if I Stay premiere

Like, that lower half just had a really nice day at the Country Club, and is sad summer is almost over, but also wants to get the hell out of there before the dipshit in the blouse with the synthesizer starts performing.

The top part, though… I feel like the whole Sternum Knot thing should be in the back somehow. Because it’s doing terribly unflattering things to her chest from the front — like, fairly graphic things — and it’s even worse when shot from the side. I couldn’t bring myself to use the close-up photo I HAVE from that angle, but suffice to say, you can see STRAIGHT into the keyhole — it’s gapping — and it’s a clear view of 80 percent of her breast, at a premiere for a movie based on a young adult novel. It’s… not great, Bob, any which way you slice it, because it just looks like something nobody took into account. Show your cleav if you want — I have NO problem with cleav, real boobs, etc. — but sideboob/underboob combos are never as sexy as anyone wants them to be, ESPECIALLY when they are accidental. Maybe Boob Wrangler as a career really IS the new frontier, but frankly, I feel like it should be included in a stylist’s job description.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

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Unfug or Fab: Jessica Alba


At first I thought I was going to like this a lot. And if we’re talking strictly about her hair, it’s fab, and making mine wilt with unfulfilled purpose.

Jessica Alba

But then I got this proper look at the outfit, and that bustier might as well be made out of old shoulder pads. And then I decided the shoes with the giant safety pin aren’t my thing (although at least they’re WHIMSICAL, which yesterday’s Mary Janes on Steroids were not). I like the clutch, but it looks discordant here, and I LOVE the blazer, but the proportions seem wonkus. I want to liberate it and the skirt and try again. Even a simple tank top would suffice — maybe a white one with some funky necklaces, to go with the blazer and jeans, or with the skirt on its own.  Basically, a lot of this needs a new context. I keep thinking of Martin Short in Father of the Bride saying, “I love it. We’ll change it all.” WWFD, y’all: What would Franck do?

OH BUT WAIT: At the last minute, I found a second bustier that she wore later this day:

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Unfug It Up: Helen Mirren


It goes without saying that Helen Mirren is an extremely dishy dame, and that if my face and body can pull off those miracles at fifty-nine, much less sixty-nine, I will renounce my crabapplecism and devote my life to hugs.

But here’s the thing. That’s not great. It just isn’t. Not the sweater, not the lampshade, not the shoes. (I’ll give her the tights. Girlfriend is almost seventy. Do what you need to do, Helen.) I want her to be this unerring bastion of cool, but when it comes to her wardrobe, Dame Helen is mortal.

I cannot believe I’m about to say this, but: Would this be BETTER with a nude shoe that plays off the dress and — if we must keep it — the cardie? I definitely would prefer it if the overskirt were all blue, and not simply a landing strip, and if the underskirt poking out looked less twee. Speaking of twee: this movie. Her accent is distracting in the previews, right? And Of COURSE It’s from the director of Chocolat. Apparently Lasse Hallstrom really enjoys Small-Town Denizens Drop Their Prejudice Through Orgasmic Mouthfeel.

I was going to segue by writing, “Speaking of orgasmic mouthfeel,” but that’s just a lie. Really, I just wanted to share some Mirren Sass.

honesty in segues is important

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Unfug or Fab: Nina Dobrev in Versace


Well, as the Bearded Sages once said, she’s got legs and she knows how to use ‘em.

Nina Dobrev in Versace (1)

But for my money, that’s way too short (and also I just noticed the giant Band-Aid on her calf, which makes it look like she cut herself shaving, which made me laugh in a sympathetic way — like, that is some unkind timing, there, Universe). I think the entire enterprise would be more flattering, even WITH her fab gams, if it were a few inches longer. Stuffing oneself into the shortest, tightest things around feels very Junior Starlet or She’s Still Got It, and Nina is too famous at this point, I think, for the former, and too young for the latter. She can be less obvious.

Let’s have a gander at the front:

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Unfug It Up Toni Collette


I DO like her earrings:

And I get that there is something APPEALING about this. I like it in the way I like certain things in the J Crew catalog, where I know that I could never and will never wear them but the exotic location J Crew has shipped everyone off to makes me think things like, “maybe if I went to Greece, I would wear that linen pop-over atop my bikini!” or whatever you think when you’re looking through your J Crew catalog.  Here, I’m like, “maybe if she were a really eccentric woman who serves a lot of things out of tagines by her pool at her summer place and pours all her cocktails into incredibly thick glass tumblers and doesn’t believe in sunscreen in a way that’s going to end poorly for her decolletage eventually.” Which means, I guess, that I’m not actually changing the OUTFIT, I’m just putting it on a completely other human being as a way to salvage it.

[Photo: Splash]

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