Fug File: Look Into Pants

The Fug is Mine

Dear Brandy,

I am glad you are back out and about — filming a reality show, OF COURSE — and I’d like to take this moment to thank you for that whole thing you did where you claimed you were secretly married to some dude and then we all found out that you actually WERE NOT married to him and therefore your secret divorce was just a regular old break up. Which means by your standards, I’ve been secretly divorced a whole bunch of times! This is awesome, because now I feel more like Elizabeth Taylor than I did yesterday. To repay this favor, a word of wisdom: those aren’t pants. You’re welcome!


It’s Fug With Alexa Chung

Taylor Momsen wore this to make an appearance on MTV’s It’s On With Alexa Chung.

[Photo: Splash News]

I’d wondered what, exactly, Alexa is informing me is on — her show, a jihad — but this photo does at least confirm that the titular “it” does not refer to pants.


2 Become Fug

Dearest Mel B. You have serious problems here. How to put this…

How about if I borrow from one of your tender Spice Girls ballads:

Get a little bit clothed here, baby.
Put ‘em on, put ‘em on.
‘Cause tonight
Is the night
Your pants must get done.
You need some trou like you’ve never needed trou before (let ‘em make love to you, baby).
You’ve got a little shirt — now go back for more (don’t let it make fug to you, baby).
Setting your crotch free
Is no public way to be.


Fugly and FugJ

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

AJ MICHALKA:  Excuse me?

ALY MICHALKA: What, did you hear something?

AJ: I could’ve sworn I heard someone behind us laughing.

ALY: You probably did. I know I am laughing at you.

AJ: Wait, at ME?

ALY: Hello, honey, you’re wearing really tight pants and a shirt that hits your butt in the WEIRDEST place.


ALY: They’re not tights, honey, they’re pights. Half pants, half tights.

AJ: Did you just not bother to shave the backs of your legs today?

ALY: Don’t judge. It makes showering SO MUCH faster. I may not do it ever again. This is the new revolution, sweetie. Ride the wave.

AJ: It’s okay. I’ll let you surf it as far away from me as possible.


Jenny Fugphrey

Look, I know the people on Gossip Girl are fake, but come on — would Rufus Humphrey really be okay with this?

[Photo: Splash News]

Assuming my eyes do not deceive me, that is Little J’s shirttail hanging out from her skirt. Which means she’s wearing bottoms that are not as long as her top. And I know Rufus is kind of caught up in his own drama, what with Lily being out of town and them having a secret love child together that they think is dead, and all the time he clearly has to spend nurturing his Man Bangs and writing ’90s-era rock songs about how gnarly it is when your stepdaughter drops out of college and turns into a tabloid-baiting — albeit also amusing — asswad. And I know he’s kind of into being to his kids what the principal who announces he’s your “princi-PAL” is to high-schoolers. But even amid all that, I’m pretty sure Rufus Humphrey would take one look at Little J trying to leave the house in this, or ANY of her terrible ensembles, and be like, “Jenny, your crotch is not an accessory. GO TO YOUR ROOM.” So could we get on that please, Gossip Girl? It’s not going to WORK, but he should at least TRY.


Stefugnie Pratt

Honey. We need to talk.

That necklace is as big as your thigh, child. For the love of God, take a break from the show and get right with yourself. Write a book called Eat. Pants. Love. Then live its message.


How The Fugch Stole Fugmas


And not even on stage this time? You’re not Courtney Love, girl (and that is a good thing, TRUST ME). Since your mom won’t say it, I will: GO TO YOUR ROOM.