Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: How To Get Away With Murder recap, season 1, episode 4

Jessica and I recently concluded that Viola Davis’s performance is accomplished, yes, but also extremely curious — because she’s so AGGRAVATED-seeming all the time, as if she read the script and went, “Ugh, Annalise clearly hates all these morons.” Between that and the way she walks like her feet hurt, Annalise comes across less like a dynamic, compelling, charismatic force of nature, and more like she’s both existentially exhausted and exhausted by everyone’s stupidity.

Moving on: As with the latest Nashville, there was a Wig Removal in this episode. I kept hoping it was going to be this guy.


I feel like a golf video: I just want to grip it, and rip it. I could wring it out and have enough oil to cook dinner. I THINK the implication is that he ran over to his pseudo-boyfriend’s apartment — it is, as Jake Ballard would say, a booty call — but he spends a LOT of time looking like his personal odor is troublesome.

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Fug the Show: Reign recap, season 2, episode 3, “Coronation”

a) I HATE Mary.

b) Grain is BORING.

c) You should just assume that any time Mary or any of the Ladies appears on camera, I squawk, “WHAT IS SHE WEARING?” in an unattractive and graceless manner.


Herein, Catherine is waxing poetic about all the shenanigans she’s got planned for Francis’s coronation and Francis and Mary both whine that the unicorns and elephants seem expensive, given that half of France is starving due to fires set to control the spread of plague (and their own combined terrible mismanagement of, like, EVERYTHING) and that it’s disgusting to be spending so much money in a time of need and Catherine is like, “you DUMBASSES. If the rest of Europe knows we’re poor and starving, they will pounce and take us over. We have to act like EVERYTHING IS FINE. PS: Nice Marchesa, Mary.”  Everyone on this show is so much dumber than Catherine. (In fairness, actual history seems to bear out that Francis, at least, WAS dumber than Catherine.)


I’m pretty sure that, in the 16th century, proper ladies didn’t wear dresses highlighting the curvature of their bums.

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Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 4

Back in the Felicity days, did anyone ever imagine Scott Foley would have ANY career success threatening to snap people’s necks, and wantonly murdering, and walking casually away from a car he just blew up? Did anyone even imagine that until about halfway through his Scandal tenure?


And yet here we are. Jake noticed a blinking red light underneath his car, so he turned tail and walked away and then unlocked it, which triggered the blast. Here is my question: B-Nefarious can do pretty much anything in the world and knows every secret there is, but no one there has figured out how to build a bomb without a crimson beacon of warning? Rethink yourselves, B-Cavalier.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 4, “I Feel Sorry For Me”

Yeah, fine, some plot happened, but there is BIG WIG NEWS this week:

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Glenn wears a toupee! Now, I’m pretty sure we all wondered, but I felt bad delving TOO deeply into the baffling mysteries of his scalp, because maybe it was his real hair and there was nothing he could do about the fact that it looked like it was cobbled together from Conan O’Brien’s clippings.Now that we have Confirmation of Toupee, IT’S ON. That sucker was not a RUG, it was a bathmat. From IKEA.

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This photo just made me laugh. It’s the face I might make if anyone were to stick a breastplate on ME. Good luck getting that last arrow with Luke’s name on it through THAT sucker, Cupid.

Okay, I’m going to compartmentalize the stories this week, because it might be easier. First up: Rayna.

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Fug the Show: Reign Recap, season 2, episode 2, “Drawn & Quartered”

This show! This show. Oh, this show. It manages to be confusing and convoluted and overly simplistic at the same time, and it’s as cheesy as a fondue challenge on The Amazing Race but it certainly is entertaining. This week, Mary’s abject stupidity comes back to bite her in the ass and people start getting possessed.

Remember last week when the Plague was in town, killing people off (although no one you REALLY cared about) and ruining people’s lives? Remember? In case you don’t remember, look at all these dead people!


The make-up department clearly had a blast with the Plague, by the way — all the bodies looked disgusting, so well done, Hair and Makeup.  And the Plague has run its course (I have no way of telling what the passage of time is on this show. I assume it’s been about a week since the previous episode, but you should know that I literally started thinking, “well, Francis comes home, and it probably would have taken him…well, he’s got a baby in a carriage, so he’s not as fast as he would be on his horse, and….” as if I could apply earth logic to a show that — PLOT TWIST — is going to end an episode with a dead man briefly possessing a nursemaid), and poor hot Bash is working his hot ass off going through the palace to find the dead, and assuring they get a proper burial:


This is only, as you know, my second episode of this show, but I might love him. You’re supposed to, right? He’s the illegitimate son of the king so he has angsty issues, I presume, about his place in this world, which is always sexy, and he’s totally respectful of the dead, which is a plus. I mean, sure, he’s also maybe having visions and last week he spent like forty-five minutes with his face planted on a wall, but still.  I’d also like to note that Bash, so far, can really work a pair of leather breeches.

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power(suit) Ranking, season 6, episode 4

How much do you want to bet that The Good Wife hopes Julianna Margulies will call her old pal Intern George and solicit a cameo from Amal Alamuddin? She and Alicia could powersuit the HELL out of it together.

13. Diane & Cary


This shot is apt for how these two functioned this week: largely in tandem, neither in stark relief. They’re here to give information only: The State’s Attorney’s office subpoenaed Lemond Bishop’s business records on some trumped-up tax charge — well, it IS the town that got Al Capone for something similar — and are hoping Florrick Agos Lockhart will comply, because it’ll set a precedent Daniel Castro and Finn can use against them in Cary’s criminal trial. They’re basically calling to ask Alicia for advice, even, as if she’s the big boss. Might as well write the word “Power” on a piece of paper, wrap it up in an old Marshall Fields box, and give it to her with a note that says, “Be my guest.”


“Mr. Bishop, I don’t have much to do this week, so excuse me if I forego the jewelry. It’s not worth it.”

This is from Diane’s and Cary’s other moment. They flank Alicia, putting her thusly front and center, during an awkward conversation in which she tells Lemond Bishop they need to stop representing him. I don’t think Alicia told them that it’s because she’s arranging deck chairs on the Titanic of her candidacy (in the sense that even if she wins, I Have Great Concerns); she’s pinning it on conflict of interest, which I’m sure Diane and Cary welcomed, because it means Daniel Castro can’t manipulate them as much. But in this chess game, right this second, they’re the pawns and Saint Alicia is the queen. And Bishop is the bishop, just for synergy purposes and because he’s really good at making diagonal moves that still keep him going forward.


Diane is all about the patterns this week. Maybe because she didn’t seem certain either way what to do — obey the subpoena, or fight it — and so the swirls reflect her roiling mental state. Or, she just thinks they’re pretty. Sometimes a pattern is just a pattern.

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