Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Lindsay Lohan on “Watch What Happens Live”

Lindsay comes to an end on OWN this Sunday night with a two-hour finale that might liquefy whatever is left inside my skull. To promote it, she went on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, except apparently the “live” part was not entirely accurate, and said a lot of the types of things one says when one has done a reality show and the resulting portrayal of one’s personality is less than rewarding. Oh, and she also wore a crown:

AND A BRA. In fact, Andy Cohen asked her why she never wears one, and she shrugged that she thinks they’re uncomfortable, and then gestured to her demonstrably present black bra. I REALLY wish I trusted that she wore this outfit specifically as a nod to the Internet criticism she’s received for all that, but I don’t have a read on her self-awareness yet. She pointed it out almost like an afterthought, so if it was meticulously chosen, she forgot that awfully fast. Seriously, if I were on TV in that outfit — or at the grocery store in that outfit, or in my own home in that outfit — I would NEVER be able to forget it. In a bad way.

I MEAN. She looks like the No. 6 skater from one of those small nations that only ever sends, like, half of one figure skater to the Olympics. She’s totally auditioning for Reign, right? Anytime I see someone dressed as Coachella Attendee With Royal Aspirations, I think of that show.

She also does her Real Housewives style walk-with-motto, which she delivers as, “I’m done with mug shots and I’m ready for an Oscar.” She does at least laugh at this, thank God, but later she ALSO tells Andy that former Housewife Jill Zarin, who was fired in 2011, has a message for him — which is that Jill and Dina Lohan should do Real Housewives of New York together and bring up the ratings (their words). I KNEW IT. I KNEW Dina would have her eye on that prize. And that she would somehow try to wrangle Lindsay into giving people the idea. GROSS. STOP IT. To his credit, Andy looks and sounds terrified by that idea and only barely manages to cover it.

#SaveMatt was also present:

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Fug the Show: Scandal, season 3, episode 17

Plenty of terrible things happen in this episode, but most of them are TO OUR EYES. It’s the penultimate one of the season, so I decided to go long and not skimp on the screen grabs, so that you can get the full flavor of the unique hell that is Squick, which is my new nickname for Huck and Quinn (their names, plus ewwwwww).

What you need to know off the top is that suddenly, it’s six days before the election. SIX DAYS. This show is wretched at the passage of time. It’s never clear when anything is happening, nor what season it is, and I think it’s deliberately vague specifically so they can pull a fast one like this and have us be like, “I… GUESS that’s… sure?” Shouldn’t there have been some concern in the last episode — whose events immediately preceded these — that they were a week away from the vote? It’s like the writers’ room didn’t think of it until it was too late.

In fact, the expression on my face for much of this episode was this one:

Our favorite Secret Service agent turned B-Ullshit spy actually ended up being a pretty boring plot twist, right? Nothing happened with that. Look at this man. He is hungry for Happenings. I bet HE knows how to kiss a woman without unhinging his jaw. I’m just saying.

When we left off, Jake Ballard had just grabbed Olivia by the throat and thrown her against a wall, because he’s enraged that she shut down B-Abusive, and I guess we’re supposed to think it’s super manly that he’s fine with hurling her around like a rag doll. This show is the classic example of wanting to have its cake and eat it, too. It’s trying to turn him into this tortured romantic hero, and yet also, he’s behaving like a Neanderthal assbag. See?

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Fug the Show: Lindsay on OWN, season 1, episode 6

The nut of this episode is about Lindsay being inconsiderate and blowing off Elle Indonesia, but the part I will cherish the most is the first chunk, in which it’s revealed that I believe Dina Lohan’s ghost writer hates her with the quiet fire of a thousand burning suns and might therefore be my soulmate.

First, though, the weirdest bit: A title card tells us that Lindsay has decided to film herself as part of the show. They cut back to the footage three times in the course of the hour, all clearly taken on the same night because she’s wearing this outfit in different iterations, and the stuff they show later makes me wonder what the true order of the footage would be. Are you tantalized yet? Spoiler: It involves wine. Which, if it were consumed, I would be willing to bet was before this piece. She clearly decided to do some kind of cracked-out acting exercise, because — as the camera jumpily zooms in, in, in, in, and then out, out, out, out, about three times, she goes from looking like a spleen-snacking serial murderer…

… to a crying goon:

So I guess… if any producers out there are looking to do some kind of tear-sodden cross between The Godfather and Candyman, Lindsay Lohan has just auditioned for it.

And now for the scene that might be my spirit animal.

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie recap, season 3, episode 17

I must say, I thought this episode was VERY cute. In short: Zoe visits a psychic who tells her that she’s been cursed for breaking up George and Lemon (“Lemorge,” as Zoe puts it, which is NOT a name that makes one likely to ‘ship a pair) and who tells her that the only way she can get uncursed is by getting them back together. This is a Class A Zoe Hart Shenanigan of the Week, and it’s excellent. It also goes about as badly as you can imagine, as Lemorge do NOT have feelings for each other, beyond each really wanting to repeat their recent roll in the hay. In other news, AB’s Mystery Knight has been revealed, and it’s Barry Watson, and of course he is somehow related to the Mayor of Fillmore because when this show doesn’t know what to do for conflict it has someone date someone from Fillmore (albeit generally with amusing results, so I will allow it. Also, I like Barry Watson). And Vivian’s ex-husband hates Wade for a variety of reasons and Vivian decides to make this WADE’S problem rather than dealing with her own ex-husband herself because, as Jill pointed out so wisely in the comments a couple of weeks ago, Vivian leaves all the heavy lifting in their relationship to Wade. Vivian also wears something highly inappropriate, but Lemon looks AWESOME. So we have that going for us.


Fug the Show: Revenge Recap, season 3, episode 18

Okay, new plan to reboot this show. Everyone dies other than Nolan, Margaux,  maybe Jack, Victoria, Stevie Grayson, Roger Bart and Olivier Martinez. (And Baby Carl can also live but will need to be relocated to a farm off-camera.) They all move over to USA Network where they fight crime. THE END. Things you need to know that happened in this episode before we just throw up our hands and talk outfits:

  1. Apparently Revenge‘s vision of England looks just like Pasadena, but Aidan DOES wear an amazing trench coat there because it’s illegal not to wear a great trench coat in England; other than that, did we really need like seventy-five minutes of Aidan’s mother’s personal pain? Because we got them and they were really boring, despite Barry Sloane’s best attempts. Also, Emily and Aidan are back together because reasons.
  2. Did we also need seventy-five minutes of business yammering from Conrad and Olivier Martinez? Does ANYONE ever think, “it’s Sunday night…I want to think about OBTUSE POINTS OF BUSINESSES I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.” I guess Conrad has taken over… something… of… Olivier’s….? Who is even doing business with Conrad anymore? He’s had a plane AND a building explode on his watch.
  3. There is a plotline happening with NoOne WhoCares and Nolan WRT NoOne WhoCares’s bitchin’ new app that is SO EMBARRASSING that I am not going to even go over it for you. They made Gabriel Mann utter the phrase, “romancing the blogosphere” and there was a scene where NoOne WhoCares actually threatens to STORM OUT despite the fact that HE IS UNDER HOUSE ARREST. This is not even addressing the fact that the show keeps telling us that NoOne WhoCares is this young buck programming prodigy but the actor quite sincerely looks 35. And has no birthday listed on IMDb, which is basically Hollywood code for I’M LYING ABOUT MY AGE SO HARD RIGHT NOW.  Even if he’s not lying about his age, the dude comes across as Jack’s contemporary which makes him bad casting. The bad news is the the combo of NoOne WhoCares and Charlotte seems to be set up to discover some major plot points and no one will know because everyone is getting up for a sandwich during those scenes.
  4. Jack is jealous of Daniel (!!!!) and Margaux just goes, “I don’t like jealous men,” and kisses him and then calmly walks out, because she is the best. She also OWNS Olivier Martinez in both their professional and personal lives and her accessories are amazing. She is the only person on this show that I actually actively like. Even Nolan has been sidelined, which is SO DUMB on the show’s part.  (I do think Daniel is being set up to actually BE in love with her, which DOES make sense because she’s awesome.)
  5. I would love to explain to you how the Emily/Roger Bart/Victoria/Stevie Grayson plot machinations really worked but despite the massive amounts of exposition, I do not know. All you need to know is that SOMEONE KILLED ROGER BART WITH POISONED SHAVING CREAM and THAT is what pushes Stevie Grayson off the wagon, and then Jack sends her back to Los Angeles because apparently the Hamptons REALLY DO make Stevie drink.
  6. AND THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT ROGER BART ISN’T REALLY DEAD. Emily sent him shaving cream that made him seem dead — presumably the cousin to the sleeping draught Friar Laurence gives Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, yet considerably less romantic, given that Roger Bart wakes up in a body bag to be rescued by Nolan. Roger Bart’s wise rejoinder to this turn of events is, “what the hell?” He then gets shipped off to the Maldives and promises to keep his mouth shut AGAIN, but not before he tells Nolan something about how some OTHER reporter also faked HIS own death. Oh, Revenge. Stop shipping off the most compelling characters!

Let’s just look at outfits. I mean, no one is following the plot anymore, right?


Fug the Show: Lindsay on OWN recap, season 1, episode 5

If you aren’t reading these recaps, I at least recommend the comments section; we have a lot of very thoughtful Fug Nationals, and sometimes they’re sharing pretty personal things in there which are applicable to the subject matter of this show, and it’s been fascinating and inspiring. Thanks, guys, especially because comments on a show like this about a person like Lindsay Lohan could get SO out of hand; y’all are demonstrating why Fug Nation has such a damn fine reputation.

Also: We’re doing the scroll format for this one because I had way too many grabs to put in a slideshow. And it’s a doozy this week, from Scenes From A Celebrity Move to somebody leaving the show. Let’s begin.

It would appear that AJ has Lindsay doing craft projects. Those look like spray paint cans, which sure SEEM like things she should’ve been using out on her balcony with fresh air to ventilate the fumes. I have concerns about AJ’s level of common sense with this one, especially because I’m not sure scrawling “LIVE” on a roll of pink paper is going to be the spark that ignites the flame of sober desire in Lindsay’s mental Bunsen. I can’t wait until someday LiLo blames the entirety of this episode on the effects of breathing in the paint. I’m surprised that didn’t happen, actually.

Dina, meanwhile, is shoved off into a corner talking on her phone and basically doing nothing while Lindsay and AJ talk about Lindsay’s career. I like to think that either Lindsay, or the production, or both, were like, “You are out of your depth here, Dina, so just SIT DOWN and we’ll wave if we need you.” She does not catch on fire from paint fumes, nor from any spontaneous divine smitings.

insanity awaits thee