Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie, season 4, episode 1, “Kablang”

This show is SO EXCITED about Rachel Bilson’s prodigious pregnancy cleavage.  They’re also apparently excited about her actual pregnancy, as we will soon see.

To remind you of how we left things: Lemon’s Mean Grandma Betty loaned her a bunch of money to rebuild Fanceeeeee’s after it burned down, but only on the condition that she (Lemon) go on a singles cruise, which she did. BOTH Lavon and George showed up at the docks to declare their love for her, and they’re enraged with and feel betrayed by one another over this. (Lemon doesn’t know any of this; she just sailed off in a great dress holding a cocktail.) Cricket is a lesbian! ToWanda are having a baby! And Zoe declared her love for Wade and Wade was kinda like, “eh,” and let’s just cut to the chase: she spends this whole episode trying to talk him into loving her and he FINALLY shows up at her door and admits it and then she is like, “TOO LATE” and I am like “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” and then it turns out that she’s freaking out because Zoe, like Rachel Bilson, is knocked up. DUM DUM DUMMMM.

Also, speaking of feeling betrayed, there was no Kitchen Pastry:


Rachel Bilson Pregnancy Disguise Number One: Cookware. Zoe spends a LOT of this episode trying to get Wade to love her again — she tries to get to his heart through his stomach, she tries to get there through his wang, but finally, what gets to him is a Come to Jesus from his father, Formerly Crazy Earl. There are a lot of discussions about how Wade is terrified that Zoe is going to break his heart again and ONCE AGAIN I would like to remind this show that Wade DID cheat on her. And yes, it was because he was Self-Sabotaging and whatnot, and I actually don’t think what he did is an unforgivable act from your romantic interest. I DO think the show has sort of decided to pretend it never happened, though, which they don’t need to do. Wilson Bethel is a good enough actor to play the emotional shading, and that mistake was totally in character, and it would be better if we weren’t pretending it never happened. Work with what you did to yourself, show!

Also back in action, AB’s collection of really, really cute daydresses that occasionally are unkind to her armpits:


(They’re always putting her in dresses where it looks too tight at the armpits. Once you’ve seen this, you will never unsee it.) Rachel Bilson Pregnancy Disguise Number Two: Her lab coat. (Wanda’s suggestion is that Zoe declare her love for Wade by running alongside a train while he “ships off to fight the Kaiser,” which makes me think she would enjoy the GFY Goodreads Book Club.)

While these women are weighing how best to make a giant romantic gesture to Wade, Tom has decided BlueBell needs, as you see in the sign, a volunteer fire department, so they no longer need to wait for “those fatsos over in Daphne to come to our rescue.” I mostly only took this screengrab so you can see how resplendent (and crabby) Lavon looks. I believe his pants are seersucker. Long story short: BlueBell CANNOT pull together an effective fire department, in part because Lavon and George continue to be unable to work together, even for the common good, but also because BlueBell has a higher than average number of crackpots and Tom has drafted many of them into this little scheme:



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Fug the Show: Nashville, season 3, episode 10, “First to Have a Second Chance”

It’s the last episode before a break — we’re off until early February, y’all — and the writers did indeed leave us with a couple cliffhangers amidst a satisfying twist or two. But first, we have to get through Rayna preparing for her wedding to Luke Wheeler, and if you disliked the dress she picked previously, you’re in luck. THEORETICALLY. Because although she scrapped that one — citing paparazzi and “Luke is so traditional” and blah blah blah — the new gown is, in my opinion, WAY worse.


I just think this makes Connie Britton look huge. And if there’s one thing we know about Connie Britton, it’s that she’s long and lean and decidedly NOT a balloon of a lady. So I have no choice but to assume we are watching Rayna’s psyche try and slap her into alertness about how little she wants to marry this guy. “This is the dress he wants, and it’s hideous, so USE THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY,” her mind is saying.

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Fug the Show: Reign Recap, Season 2, Episode 9, “Acts of War”

Hey, remember when this show had Nostradamus floating around making announcements? It was awfully rude of him to leave right before EXTREMELY TERRIBLE THINGS started happening, which you’d think maybe he would have had an inkling were on the horizon. (In fact, I suspect that’s exactly why the writers had to get rid of him — what good is your soothsayer if he missed all this? Better to have him off in a cottage somewhere.) Warning: this episode involved murder and a brutal sexual assault, the aftermath of which was surprisingly well done by Adelaide Kane (and unsurprisingly extremely well done by Megan Follows), so if you’d rather not read about such things, I shall see you in the next post.

This week’s SUPER TERRIBLE THING that opens the show is this dude tripping over a dead body in a field and then getting kidnapped. Or arrested. TAKEN:


Liam Neeson sadly does not show up to rescue him.

Also sad:


Mary spends a great portion of this episode wearing a duvet cover. Let’s just cover the bullet points of the plot with a quickness and then get into the outfits and the details, and discuss whether or not the show should have Gone There.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 9, “Two Sides to Every Story”

All you need to know is that Hayden Panettiere completely won TV in this episode. Forever. Until the next time she wins it. How’s THAT for a teaser?

We begin this hour in Rayna’s house, which is as brimming with Christmas Cheer as if it were all sponsored by Pier 1 Imports.


Which, in fact, it probably is. She and Luke are filming an extended holiday special — which, by the way, in real life ties into the Nashville Christmas album. The whole thing is a bit Easy Listening for me — the big winner is Aubrey Peeples on “Merry Christmas, Baby,” though Chaley Rose sounds pretty enough on a Lite FM cut o “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” that it’ll just make you wish she’d had more solos on the show. Mostly, you need to know that Connie Britton performs “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and she does so as if Mr. Grinch is getting handsy with her on the sofa and she doesn’t entirely mind. (There may have been some orgasmic-sounding moaning?) REALLY not a good match of star and song. Go preview it on iTunes; you won’t be sorry, except for the ways in which you will be sorry.


Luka and Rayna (and thus their real-world counterparts) do “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” at some point, but this stuff is all the cheesy interstitial blah that makes it feel like it’s all a trick to make you shop at Walmart. And anyone who thinks EITHER of those people personally trimmed every visible inch o that tree with ribbon and balls is out of their minds. There’s a lot of talk about Rayna’s regular holiday stuff, and how great it is, and I hope next week she has an actual tree that’s slightly crooked and unevenly lit, with a melange of ornaments that clearly were purchased over 20 years and/or handmade by her kids when they were toddlers. THOSE are America’s trees.


Did Teddy sign off on using the girls in this thing? Or Deacon? Everyone is suddenly super comfy with Maddie and Daphne flarging around on-camera. At least let them sing, Rayna. Also, I hate to break it to you, but your belt is ridiculous. You don’t need to cinch something that is skintight. Unless it is a ripcord? If you pull it, will Luke get sucked up out the chimney? PLEASE PULL IT AND SEE.

Speaking of The Trees of America:

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power Suit Ranking, season 6, episode 10, “The Trial”

No more new episodes until January, so in the meantime we can dissect this very odd episode. Parts of it were very funny, parts of it were very sad, but on the whole I think it was a little TOO cutesy with itself to the point where I got distracted waiting for it to get to the good bits.

18. The Restraining Order

Remember the one that was a condition of Cary’s bail? The one that’s governed how far away Kalinda is allowed to be from Cary at any given time, and which resulted in some chicanery?


Order go BOOM.

Seriously, why is nobody on alert about this, suddenly? Cary and Kalinda are STANDING IN THE COURTHOUSE, where they have already established that the restraining order is still in effect, and they are huddled up and whispering about the case. Which is just on a brief recess. RIGHT AFTER Kalinda was called as a witness. Rumor has it that ten minute later, the restraining order was rejected as an acceptable replacement for $1 of Monopoly money, and was wound around a cardboard tube and inserted into a holder in the courtroom lav.

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Fug the Show: Reign Recap, Season 2, Episode 8

Hello, Fug Nation, and apologies for the tardiness of this recap. I got run over by a deadline and a turkey, in that order. Luckily, not that much happened in this episode — I’ve come to the realization that this show is very good at making it SEEM like all kinds of action is afoot, but when I come here to write about it, I realize it’s fairly easily boiled down. To wit: Shit is getting REAL between the Catholics and the Protestants (I believe this is how Mrs Cole, my AP European history teacher, also summarized it), and Francis’s tenuous grasp on the nation is now basically the equivalent of him dangling over a cliff, hanging on with only his fingertips whilst angry French people stamp on his hands.

You can tell things are extra bad because the Extremely Terrible Thing That Happens In the Opening Scene is the appearance of this dude:


…who then cuts off a man’s lips to punish him for being a Protestant (although the man denies this). This is where I’d make a ham-handed Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition joke, except we’re not technically in Spain. This Terrifying Dude is terrorizing people on behalf of the Pope, who has very little faith in Francis’s ability to get his citizens to fall in religious line. And while I am not on the side of Religious Intolerance, obviously, the Pope isn’t WRONG as far as that goes. Francis is a TERRIBLE KING who does no governing at all and apparently barely leaves the house. He’s kind of the President Fitzgerald Grant of France in terms of his governing ability (although he is a nicer husband, generally, and his fidelity is far more sterling. They are also both, however, murderers). Anyway, there’s a lot of torture and angst in this episode over The Question of Heresy (I honestly think “The Question of Heresy” is what this chapter in my Euro textbook was called) but the upshot for you, CW Viewer, is that everyone hates everyone, violence begets more violence, Francis is a terrible king, and he and Mary argue a lot about how to deal with this (she has not yet left France, which he keeps trying to get her to to do, for her own safety, though he won’t tell her that’s his reasoning), and she basically hates him right now and he’s full of Sadness and Despair. She also wears a knitted shoulder cozie:

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