Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie recap, season 3, episode 18

There are only three more episodes to go after this and I getting worried that we’re going to end this season on an unsatisfying note, especially as the show has not yet been renewed. I mean, nothing’s more unsatisfying than the end of Models, Inc., which left one character held hostage in a Mexican brothel and another plummeting off a balcony, but still. This week’s episode managed to be charming and entertaining, and yet also several of its characters made decisions that I think are wrong-headed and found frustrating. That’s BlueBell!

Topline info:

  • No one cares about the Magnolia plot, am I right? I’m right. Ergo, I’m just going to tell you that she’s off to ANOTHER boarding school, which Brick has promised to visit regularly to keep her on the straight and narrow. Just send her to Switzerland, you guys! Swiss boarding school! It’s a classic for a reason! Three years from now (if the show is magically still on the air, which would be nice for everyone), she can come back as a totally different person. Literally. You can recast her.
  • Barry Watson and AB are mad crazy in lust for each other and bravo for them. Mayor Gainey uses this info to make Lavon CRAAAAAAZY with jealousy and torpedo his attempt to get the County Fair held in BlueBell. Lavon gets drunk, gets jealous, and tells AB that Barry Watson is just toying with her as a way to f with BlueBell. Which was inappropriate and AB is right to be infuriated with Lavon — not least because I am pretty sure Barry Watson is not a master manipulator con artist — but while AB doesn’t owe Lavon anything, it would have been mature and advisable of her to give him the heads up that she’s now dating the nephew of his biggest enemy so he doesn’t find out from said enemy. Just as a kindness to someone she presumably once loved.
  • AB’s absent from Lemon and Zoe’s lives because she’s banging Barry Watson all hours of the night and day — good for her! — and so they are forced to turn to one another for advice on all things romantic, despite their mutual antipathy.
  • Zoe is AN IDIOT and goes on a date with a jackass. That’s not why she’s an idiot — if going on a first date with a jackass makes you an idiot, we are all idiots — but GOING ON A DATE WITH A DUDE THREE WEEKS AFTER A MASSIVE HEARTBREAK IS A BAD IDEA. That’s the time when you get crazy drunk and make out with strangers and come up with an unflattering nickname for your ex (I called one of mine “RatFace” for a time; very mature), not go on real dates.  Then she decides to sell the house she just remodeled. Well, great. So glad that literally 100% of Zoe’s plot for this season has turned out to have zero lasting meaning.
  • Hot hot Robert Buckley is BACK and he’s HOT and Lemon doesn’t nail him because he’s a Travelling Man who can’t settle down in BlueBell — due to being a news producer — and she’s looking for something serious. Let me just say, with the wisdom of my accumulated years: when hot hot Robert Buckley pops into town and is all hot, NAIL HIM. GOD.
  • I’m pretty sure George is falling back in love with Lemon.
  • Vivian is the worst, and Wade deserves better. Not least because she wore an ABSURD outfit that was barely on screen, so I couldn’t get a snap of it. It was skintight pink jeans and ANOTHER MIDRIFF-BARING TOP. Ugh, Vivian. You can go now.

Fug the Show: Lindsay on OWN, season finale (episodes seven and eight)

Clearly, after the events of the last six episodes, filming with Lindsay essentially ground to a halt. These two hours are patched together from filler, stretched-out shooting days that are spread out as far as possible, and interview bites that I think are cobbled together from stuff they’ve already shown, just to fill the dead air with some sound. I don’t know if Lindsay stopped cooperating, or had almost nothing going on in her life, or what, but this is where the show becomes the crew only shooting with her on infrequent days and even then often not from within her house. But there is a bombshell at the end that we’ll all need to discuss, so let’s press forth…

The first piece is Lindsay shooting Billy on the Street with comedian Billy Eichner, for Funny or Die. The premise: They’re so angry that How I Met Your Mother is ending that they’re going to trash a branded HIMYM car with sledgehammers. And at first it promises to be more of the same — her call time is 1 p.m., they’re worried about losing the light, etc. — but just as they set 3:05 p.m. as the drop-dead for proceeding without her, she decides to leave her apartment. Her excuse is that she’s sick with a chest cold, and she does sound hoarse, but still. It’s more of the same. It’s like she thinks pushing her limits is an art, and she’s trying to master it. But we do at least get to see her wearing a welder’s mask, staring contemplatively at the sky. I hope that’s her book cover. Wishing Weld, by Lindsay Lohan.

The one line she contributes — that we see — is “Reruns can’t sustain me,” which Billy Eichner allegedly thinks is genius, but which she delivers with all the comedic oomph of someone sending back her dinner because the steak was overcooked.

And then when they ask her to stick around and give them two wild lines — re-recordings of stuff she already said, in case the mics didn’t pick it up, or stray lines they can cut in if needed — she gives them this face. Over TWO LINES. The dude in the middle is the show’s exec producer, and he can barely contain his astonishment that she’s claiming her voice is too shot for two wild lines. She would rather leave and go somewhere else another day to record them, and you can see this guy inwardly groaning and realizing that having to schedule her again is going to be slow-cooked insanity. Eventually, his guys tell him they have what they need and she can just leave, so it becomes a moot point. Kind of like most of the rest of the finale, actually.

Next up, the kind of shot that must give Amy Rice acid flashbacks:

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Fug the Show: Scandal season 3 finale

I have to say, I think Scandal would be well-served to limit itself to fewer episodes EVERY season. Because, as rushed as it was to find ourselves on the doorstep of the presidential election — without even a word as to who Sally Langston’s running mate even is — I am glad we didn’t have four more episodes on top of these. It felt like a lot of water-treading as it was, the number of times Olivia would let out a shaky breath and realize that she does horrible things in service of horrible people who pretend they’re America’s heroes.

So, last week, we left off with Harrison being romanced by Adnan Salif’s pistol, Rowan Pope brutally stabbed and bleeding out all over Olivia’s office floor, Squick setting records for being the Foulest On-Screen Pairing in the Universe on account of how they make out like they’re horny cannibals, and Cyrus being willing to vaporize a bunch of innocent people — and Jon Tenney — just to make election night easier for him. We pick up with Fitz rehearsing his eulogy and Cyrus becoming increasingly agitated, because he has realized that maybe, just maybe, the karma police like to throw you in solitary with moldy bologna if you effectively mass-murder a Church full of people just so you can keep your fancy office.

Meanwhile, Mama Pope, one of the most wanted women in the WORLD, is standing outside the Church she plans to bomb — a Church crawling with Secret Service and other security personnel because the people inside are all government types — WITHOUT WEARING A DISGUISE or even sunglasses and a kicky but inappropriate hat. No, she’s just merrily chatting on the phone about how Fitz will show up, for sure, no problem, and they can blow that joint into holy smoke, while NOBODY NOTICES THAT THE TERRORIST WHO THEY KNOW WANTS TO KILL THE PRESIDENT IS STANDING THERE IN PLAIN SIGHT CLAD IN GLOWING GREY AMID A SEA OF MOURNING BLACK. COME ON.

This blurry shot of Jon Tenney is one of VERY few we get of him in this episode, which is a shame, because the show went to all that trouble to set up emotional stakes for him and Mellie and then just wiped that off like they’re a dry-erase board. I can’t remember at what point they decided to cut the order to 18 episodes from 22, but perhaps not with enough time for them to cut down their planned arc for him in a way that made sense, and as a consequence, he got left with nothing. ANYWAY: Jake Ballard interrupts just as Cyrus is about to confess to Fitz about the bomb, and more or less doesn’t point the finger at Cyrus, which was nice of him — or at least, any implications he makes seem not to concern Fitz in the slightest. Instead, they clear out the funeral.

And then, while they’re in the bunker, and Jake Ballard is swearing up and down that there REALLY IS a bomb and they will not end up looking foolish…

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Fug the Show: Lindsay Lohan on “Watch What Happens Live”

Lindsay comes to an end on OWN this Sunday night with a two-hour finale that might liquefy whatever is left inside my skull. To promote it, she went on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, except apparently the “live” part was not entirely accurate, and said a lot of the types of things one says when one has done a reality show and the resulting portrayal of one’s personality is less than rewarding. Oh, and she also wore a crown:

AND A BRA. In fact, Andy Cohen asked her why she never wears one, and she shrugged that she thinks they’re uncomfortable, and then gestured to her demonstrably present black bra. I REALLY wish I trusted that she wore this outfit specifically as a nod to the Internet criticism she’s received for all that, but I don’t have a read on her self-awareness yet. She pointed it out almost like an afterthought, so if it was meticulously chosen, she forgot that awfully fast. Seriously, if I were on TV in that outfit — or at the grocery store in that outfit, or in my own home in that outfit — I would NEVER be able to forget it. In a bad way.

I MEAN. She looks like the No. 6 skater from one of those small nations that only ever sends, like, half of one figure skater to the Olympics. She’s totally auditioning for Reign, right? Anytime I see someone dressed as Coachella Attendee With Royal Aspirations, I think of that show.

She also does her Real Housewives style walk-with-motto, which she delivers as, “I’m done with mug shots and I’m ready for an Oscar.” She does at least laugh at this, thank God, but later she ALSO tells Andy that former Housewife Jill Zarin, who was fired in 2011, has a message for him — which is that Jill and Dina Lohan should do Real Housewives of New York together and bring up the ratings (their words). I KNEW IT. I KNEW Dina would have her eye on that prize. And that she would somehow try to wrangle Lindsay into giving people the idea. GROSS. STOP IT. To his credit, Andy looks and sounds terrified by that idea and only barely manages to cover it.

#SaveMatt was also present:

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Fug the Show: Scandal, season 3, episode 17

Plenty of terrible things happen in this episode, but most of them are TO OUR EYES. It’s the penultimate one of the season, so I decided to go long and not skimp on the screen grabs, so that you can get the full flavor of the unique hell that is Squick, which is my new nickname for Huck and Quinn (their names, plus ewwwwww).

What you need to know off the top is that suddenly, it’s six days before the election. SIX DAYS. This show is wretched at the passage of time. It’s never clear when anything is happening, nor what season it is, and I think it’s deliberately vague specifically so they can pull a fast one like this and have us be like, “I… GUESS that’s… sure?” Shouldn’t there have been some concern in the last episode — whose events immediately preceded these — that they were a week away from the vote? It’s like the writers’ room didn’t think of it until it was too late.

In fact, the expression on my face for much of this episode was this one:

Our favorite Secret Service agent turned B-Ullshit spy actually ended up being a pretty boring plot twist, right? Nothing happened with that. Look at this man. He is hungry for Happenings. I bet HE knows how to kiss a woman without unhinging his jaw. I’m just saying.

When we left off, Jake Ballard had just grabbed Olivia by the throat and thrown her against a wall, because he’s enraged that she shut down B-Abusive, and I guess we’re supposed to think it’s super manly that he’s fine with hurling her around like a rag doll. This show is the classic example of wanting to have its cake and eat it, too. It’s trying to turn him into this tortured romantic hero, and yet also, he’s behaving like a Neanderthal assbag. See?

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Fug the Show: Lindsay on OWN, season 1, episode 6

The nut of this episode is about Lindsay being inconsiderate and blowing off Elle Indonesia, but the part I will cherish the most is the first chunk, in which it’s revealed that I believe Dina Lohan’s ghost writer hates her with the quiet fire of a thousand burning suns and might therefore be my soulmate.

First, though, the weirdest bit: A title card tells us that Lindsay has decided to film herself as part of the show. They cut back to the footage three times in the course of the hour, all clearly taken on the same night because she’s wearing this outfit in different iterations, and the stuff they show later makes me wonder what the true order of the footage would be. Are you tantalized yet? Spoiler: It involves wine. Which, if it were consumed, I would be willing to bet was before this piece. She clearly decided to do some kind of cracked-out acting exercise, because — as the camera jumpily zooms in, in, in, in, and then out, out, out, out, about three times, she goes from looking like a spleen-snacking serial murderer…

… to a crying goon:

So I guess… if any producers out there are looking to do some kind of tear-sodden cross between The Godfather and Candyman, Lindsay Lohan has just auditioned for it.

And now for the scene that might be my spirit animal.

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