Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power Suit Ranking, season 6, episode 13, “Dark Money”


Welcome back, Good Wife. Thank you for staying away until How To Get Away With Murder wrapped up, because those two at once were a few too many lawyers for my taste. And now, without further ado, we resume the weekly Power Suit Ranking — which, as a refresher, mixes an appreciation for the hot business attire on this show with each character’s actual level of influence. And is also subject to my own whims. As such:

16. Finn Polmar

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Headline: NO GOODE IS BAD. Finn wasn’t present. AGAIN. So we have to settle for a screen grab of him from Downton Abbey. I’m starting to get concerned that maybe Matthew Goode and Julianna Margulies don’t get along, or something. Because although a slow burn is understandable with any post-Josh Charles romance for Alicia, it just seems weird that Finn is THIS DELICIOUS and their chemistry is THIS PALPABLE and yet nothing has come of it. And we have no idea if he’s returning, in light of his commitment to Downton, and… seriously, Good Wife, don’t be insane. LIVE AND LET BANG.

Moving onto people who actually DID appear on The Good Wife this week…

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie recap, season 4, episode 7


First of all, a breakthrough in our current investigation: CODE ORANGE: What’s Happening On the Faces of BlueBell? If you look closely on this cheery mail-carrier — and, later, on AB — you can actually see the line where the bronzer ends and her unmolested skin begins, up by her hair. WHY this is happening — a bad batch of makeup, a weird reaction between normal makeup and new lighting, whatever — I do not know, but yes I am obsessed with it and once you see it IT CANNOT BE UNSEEN:

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Even if the show attempts to distract us with Shirtless Wade:

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Here’s Wade’s plot for the week, and it’s actually very charming and well-done: He is an inveterate flirt and Zoe wants him to cut it out. Not because she’s jealous, but because she thinks it’s going to set a bad example for their son. We get a lot of montages of Wade flirting, all of which are amusing, and we also learn that he has a $4300 tab at the Butter Stick because he’s literally never paid for a pastry there. (Which also reminds me: Wade must work out A LOT or have the metabolism of a thirteen year old marathon runner, because he apparently gets treats at the Butter Stick [which also seems to be spelled The Butterstick, and eff that noise, I am NOT doing that. That's the one that broke me, finally] constantly AND we know Lavon’s house provides an unending stream of Kitchen Pastries.) He gets Lavon to help him break the habit, which consists mostly of Lavon whacking him upside the head whenever he flirts with someone, and that goes well UNTIL they decide he needs to gather The Ladies With Whom He Flirts Most together and tell them that they have NO SHOT of getting into his Levis, so the flirting will STOP! Everyone obviously wigs at this and storms out — all, “who do you think you are?!” and “I am MARRIED!” and “I am NEVER delivering your beer on time AGAIN!” — and Wade then has to give them ANOTHER speech, later, in which he thanks all of them for being so good to him over the years (for making sure he was fed, and had a haircut after his mother died, for example) but that he has to be a man now, and THAT smooths things over because everyone who lives in BlueBell is basically a nice human being.

I didn’t mean to cover that in one fell swoop, but. Here we are. Anyway, it was charming and very well done and a nice light antidote to the heavier plotline this week, which is The Return of Alice, Lemon’s Mother. As you can imagine, Lemon has all kinds of feelings about this, and they’re all tied up in her topknot:

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Fug the Show: How To Get Away With Murder season finale recap (eps 14 and 15)


All righty, season one is in the can, thanks to a two-hour finale that brought with it a merciful one-week break from Scandal. I have… thoughts… about the cliffhanger ending, but I will say this without spoiling it: This show is so captive to plot, plot, plot, and all the twisting thereof, that the personal stakes feel incredibly low. There are almost no stories about these people as people except for Asher crushing on Paris, because she’s the only person who doesn’t treat him like garbage, and now slowly Connor being in love with Oliver. That’s something. But Wes, Frank, Laurel, and even still Michaela — and honestly, also Annalise, despite the show’s efforts to give her a backstory — are characters we have only really been asked to care about via the MUUUURDER drama, and it’s exhausting, and it means the consequences largely mean nothing to me because the people mean nothing to me. RANT OVER. Let’s begin.

Also, I’m going to try to hold off on all the bits and bobs we learn about the night of the murder until the end, because otherwise I think it gets confusing.

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Laurel is trying to talk Wes off his ledge. She points out that Rebecca being wet doesn’t mean she killed Lila, because why would she have climbed into the water tank WITH her? Laurel is talking sense, which of course means Wes doesn’t listen to her. Instead, he spends all his time digging into Annalise’s old files and trying to ferret out inconsistencies between Rebecca’s false confession and her “real” statements and Douchebag QB’s version of events. He’s very unsubtle about it — apparently Wes has decided that scrabbling through paperwork in the kitchen is totally private — and Laurel is like DIAL IT DOWN YOU NUTJOB. She also orders him to answer his phone so that Rebecca doesn’t get suspicious, but of course we know she already is, and that when Wes lies to her face about his whereabouts she knows he was actually at Enfield. They have sex anyway, because whatever, they’re both real good-looking and it would be a shame to waste Dean Thomas’s mouth on all that pouting.

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You also ought to know that Laurel wore this. She is back into Winter Cher Horowitz territory, putting sweaters over button-down shirts, and NONE of these people calls her out on it, which is only weird because they’re all really nasty to each other a lot of the time and so you know it’s percolating there under the surface. Michaela must be dying inside every time Laurel saunters in there as if it’s 1996. I keep waiting for her to start lending Laurel some of her large coats.

Connor’s story, which I will share with you in its entirety next, is moving for reasons that have nothing to do with Connor:

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Fug the Show: Downton Abbey recap, The Season Five Christmas Special


I laughed, I cried, I yelled, “JUST KISS HER ALREADY” at the TV (more than once), I applauded the long-awaited and much-desired appearance of Matthew Goode (who was born to wear tweeds in period pieces and perhaps also in my apartment while handing me cocktails), I cooed over some of the best locations at which this show has EVER shot, I covered my face with frustration over the non-resolution of the one plot I most wanted resolved and put away forever, I threatened one character with death. In short: We have so much to discuss.  TO THE BALLROOM!

PS: As ever, this season, I used the British version from iTunes to recap this, so the if the US version had a scene where, say, Matthew Goode chopped wood whilst shirtless or something…please let me know.

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 14


Last week, Mario Van Peebles van-feebled Oliver Hudson, by firing him from Edgehill. Rayna has heard the news, and she has an extremely human reaction.

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Ostensibly she is celebrating extracting Maddie from her contract, but whatever. We all know what’s what. She’s so high off the fumes of lighting people’s businesses afire that she promotes Bucky to Head of A&R at her label. He’s delighted, because he can use the zero dollars they’re earning to sign all kinds of artists they’re not actually looking for. SUPER fun job. Actually, it probably IS. Think of all the Candy Crush levels he can play in one day.

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Meanwhile, despite last week’s resolution for Scarlett to be less manic and Deacon to be less of a dour patch kid, Scarlett is being manic and Deacon is being a dour patch kid. She’s nudging him about all the stuff he has to do to forestall dying, and he’s like, “Talk to the hand.” Dude, at least write some monstrously heartbreaking country songs out of this, so that your posthumous album will rake in the dough for your progeny (and your niece).

Anyway, we’re here at Dr. Baby Gap’s office to discuss a clinical trial:

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Fug the Show: Hart of Dixie Recap, season 4, episode 6


I thought this episode was actually REALLY strong, although George is still quite orange (and has blue lips at one point. I am worried that this series is going to end with George being diagnosed with a bizarre disease of some sort). First of all: FINALLY, the casting of Meredith Monroe (AKA Dawson’s Creek‘s Andie McPhee) as Lemon’s mother pays off, like FOUR SEASONS LATER. Second: Happy Wade and Zoe are very cute together. Third: I can get on board with this George and AB thing. I was worried it was going to feel sort of “Sorry, But These Are The Only Two Single People Left,” but I actually think it might be working. LET’S DISCUSS.

First off: Zoe and Wade are having a boy!

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There is a moment that is both predictable but also funny where Wade thinks his fetus child’s arm is actually his penis.  This kicks off a storyline wherein Zoe freaks out about how to raise “an Alabama boy” — she knows nothing about, say, where to find the best fishin’ hole — and Wade freaks out because he realizes that if his son is just like him, he is screwed. It will not surprise you to find out that they eventually realize that they’re in this together, and they’re going to be okay. It’s actually quite sweet.

Second off: George and AB are both realizing that they’re secretly hot for each other:

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Whereas I am mostly just hot for AB’s dress, which is CUTE.  George is about to ask AB out when they are interrupted by Lavon, and somehow no one wonders why George’s entire body is orange and his lips are blue. Maybe his new gig managing The Truitt Brothers, and now also Meatball, involves eating a lot of Popsicles.

Up next, we learn that Lemon is feeling VERY Valentino lately, and also that BlueBell needs to talk the Dreaded Fillmore into agreeing to host the State Football Championships with them, because together they will surely get the nod and then make LOADS of cashola:

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Everyone is swayed from their hatred of Fillmore and the dastardly Mayor Gainey to agree that Loads of Cash is worth it. George does NOT start waxing poetic about the time HE was on a storied high school football team, which is sad because I wanted to know how he miraculously gained the ability to walk again and also I need Tim Riggins’s phone number. I also think Tami Taylor could give Zoe some really comforting advice WRT being a good mom, and obviously I long to see Coach and his hideous sunglasses that he bought at the AM/PM immediately. What I am saying is: I know it’s too late because the end of this series is already in the can and also everyone else has new jobs but CROSSOVER EPISODE COME ON YOU GUYS.

To make up for it, though, the show gives us the gift of Lavon and Wade, in tank tops, painting the nursery:

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