Fug File: Fug The Show

I Wanna Marry Harry, season finale recap


Well, here it is, AT LONG LAST, the final episode of I Wanna Marry Harry, which should have been called, Let’s Be Honest, I Am Mostly Just Bang-Starved. There are some surprises, there is some attempted treachery, there is tongue, there are tears, there is the hasty addition of a prize, and there is a robbery. Of us. By the show. It ties us to the train tracks, extorts some rent money out of us, then doesn’t cut us loose in time to avoid death by pulverization.

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So, here are Sir’s final three options. The cold open gives us a lengthy set-up that essentially amounts to: Kelley is nuttier than a bag of almonds, Kimberly thinks Kelley is the loosest screw in the chair, and Karina may or may not be afraid Kelley would shank her in her sleep in order to gain a competitive advantage (although it’s worth nothing that the vibe I get is, Fauxry still would pick an expired Karina over a breathing Kelley).

There is also a new twist that nobody but Kingsley Shackledolt knows: If Sir’s Lady of Truest Like chooses him even though he has lied, they will each win $125,000. This is consolation money for when the lady goes back home, stops long enough to THINK about what she has done, and then grows terrified that she will never live it down, ever, among anyone she knows.

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Aw, but isn’t impossible to say no to this puppy-dog of a face?

guess who

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry episode 7 recap


Fug Nation, I wish I could embed a clip of this episode’s final scene, because it is almost completely faked. Carefully, half-artfully, but wholly faked. Because, you see, Rose figures out that this is not Prince Harry. Why? In part, because they all got drunk at a five-person toga party. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Well, except for the stuff they made up.

This shot — his name bleeding onto the flag — symbolizes the STAIN UPON HIS NATION that is this show.

This week, the Woo Girls are told they are Sir’s Favorite Four, except more like Sir’s Favorite Three And Then Also MachiaKelley, Who Beat Out Meghan For Reasons That Still Make No Sense. They get taken to a spa for some more relaxing one-on-one time with Sir, which is so short and random that it almost feels like they had to be evacuated from Woo Manor for a quick mold purge, or because the ceiling in their bedrooms sprang a leak. Kingsley tells Kimberly that her special date will be alone time in this paltry sequel to SEX YURT:

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry, episode 6 recap


May I please share with you the prop that is the greatest metaphor for this show?

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Here is the dirty secret about I Wanna Canoe Hell River: It turned out to be well-cast, on the lady side. This doesn’t save the inherent meanness of it, but all but about two or three of the girls are just kind of there hanging out and having fun and getting a kick out of each other, and making the best of this weirdo situation, and that approach makes them EMINENTLY more watchable than if the entire cast were a bunch of brash Meghans and shit-stirring Kelleys. On a show whose main point in life is to cast aspersions on a) womankind’s ability to resist the allure of regal trappings, and b) womankind’s ability to believe any fairy-tale that’s convenient, and c) womankind’s ability to be smart, it’s a nice in-your-face moment that the actual takeaway from it is that you CAN throw a bunch of ladies into one house for several confining weeks and have many of them roll with it and be cool.

Well, most of them, until now. Because Kelley hates Meghan and Meghan hates Kelley. That is the entire theme of this week, which leads to The Most Dramatic Quiet Seated Chat Ever.

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That horse seems primed to walk by Mr. Fenton’s credit and soil it with vigor.

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We begin with a 5 a.m. wake-up from a drill sergeant, who barks at them in the fashion that reality TV loves best: It’s supposed to be entertaining to watch a guy stomp around and call a bunch of girls “maggots,” but actually, it’s irritatingly cliche, and before this recap is through I will want to punch him in his battalions.

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry recap, episode 5


With apologies to those of you who actually mind that this has taken me so long: Our patience is rewarded by truly awful production decisions, Kelley being nuts, and Kingsley being stuck holding the douche bag.

A note: I know this is super lame, because “I” “Wanna” “Marry” “Harry” is not Downton Abbey, please don’t post details about coming episodes, or who wins, in the comments. I am assuming 95 percent of us did NOT bother looking up spoilers, including me, and so we might as well try and keep this sacred experience as pure as possible (I am recapping them one by one so I’m not tainted by foreknowledge). I KNOW. IT’S LAME OF ME to take this that seriously. But I can’t help it. I’m invested now.

And finally: I really am sorry this is so late; I had some other matters to attend to first, like sending a flock of evil birds after The Scourge of Our Time:

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As Jess pointed out, all of these ladies should have Googled the names of all the EPs, because they could have divined that the man behind Man Hunters: Our Turkish Toyboys (“a look at single British women who travel to Turkey with the purpose of having sexual relationships with local Turkish men”) and Virgin School (“a shy 26-year-old man visits a school run for virgins to educate them in sexuality and all aspects of dating; will the training he receives allow him to ‘lose it’?”) MIGHT not actually have ANY SWAY AT ALL when it comes to the progeny of Her Maj. Also, it’s entirely possible he is British, because almost all the shows he’s worked on are UK productions — a factoid which, if true, I think near-totally absolves the U.S. of this monstrosity. We are rubber and the U.K. is glue, and yada yada yada maybe this will stick to them and not us. Not that I wish this plague upon the Mother Country either, but I will push the blame anywhere I can slide it, because I am so embarrassed by association.

This episode featured the worst creative I have ever seen, to the point where I’m wondering if something fell through and they had to patch it together in four hours. Even the girls can barely hide their disgust:

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This face says, “I bled like two weeks of my youth into this show and I want that time back.”

And this face says, “This is what it sounds like when the doves cry.” Further, it is the exact face I made when I realized what this episode was going to be — which is important to note because I actually watched this at the gym while sitting on a bike, so if anyone around me was paying attention, they got a serious eyeful of the autumn of my disbelief.

Here is the theme:

badness ahoy

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Fug Brother: Julie Chen on Big Brother 16


“Julie Chen’s wearing a red velvet wine bag,” I texted Heather last night. “All’s right with the world.”

Two seconds later: “OMG IT’S A JUMPSUIT.” I guess I am supposed to expect the unexpected.

[Photo: ME.]

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry recap, episode 4


First point of order: After episode two, the intro was re-recorded to remove “Harry, Prince of Wales,” and replace it with, “Prince Harry of Wales.” FOX is all about the deeply retroactive quality control, apparently.

Second point: Might as well tell you up front that next week, they are going to flat-out lie to these women that he IS Harry. I could see your show being MARGINALLY defensible — as a cruel psychology experiment — when you are planting simple seeds and watching them take root (or not), but this is twisting the knife. Actually, the whole thing is; trying to prove how stupid women are is the thesis either way, and I hope Fauxry AND Kingsley AND Danny Fenton get slapped silly.

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DARK CLOUDS ARE COMING, DANNY FENTON. THE WRATH OF MOTHER NATURE ROILS FOR THEE.

Third point: When I watched this episode on Hulu, it was brought to me by the Texas tourism board. Texas: Because England Doesn’t Want Us Going There Anymore.

Fourth point: This episode was also brought to you by Photoshop.

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Specifically, the producers plonked Fauxry’s face onto this polo picture of Wills and Harry, in the hopes that it would trick the Woo Girls — oh, sorry, use “gentle persuasion,” which is also the name of my forthcoming ’90s R&B album with Boys II Men — into believing they are related. But they did not just change the face. Here is the original:

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They also added A LOT OF HAIR. In a totally different color, by the way, than what is on the head of either Harry OR Fauxry. I get that Harry’s hair is very clearly NOT Fauxry’s, but at least get your tinting right, or your ANYTHING. It’s ridiculous. Also, I wonder how this makes Harry feel, as he sits in his apartment, pointedly not looking at pictures of Cressida’s sideboob in her backless jumpsuit, knowing that this greasy claptrap has felt it necessary to doctor his hair to look FULLER.

How does that make you feel, Harry?

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