Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Scandal recap, season 4, episode 19, “I’m Just A Bill”


Well, Susan Ross may be a bit of a Mary Sue right now — she is too awesome to be true — but her parts of the episode had panache and life, which only underscored how grim the rest is. With apologies to Scott Foley, who can only do the job he is given, whenever Jake opens his mouth I just zone out and wait for it to stop.

Let’s begin, though, with that wine cardigan.

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Olivia was swaddled in this massive grey blanket of a sweater at the end of last weekwhen Papa Pope made an unwelcome return to her doorstep, popping up behind her new fling, Russell (from Stomp The Yard). What ensues is one of the prototypically irritating Scandal scenes, where Papa Pope exposits for us that if Olivia doesn’t put the kibosh on the Bust B-3.14159 scheme it will bring down the Republic AND the president she cherishes, and then Olivia climbs up on her high horse and unfurls a large banner that says, “I DON’T CARE ABOUT SAVING FITZ. I CARE ABOUT JUSTICE.” At which point Papa Pope responds with a maniacal monologue that made me want to put my fist through the television:

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Fug the Show: Nashville recap, season 3, episode 18, ‘Nobody Knows But Me’


This episode felt a little perkier, thanks to the full-time return of Juliette, and the fact that lots of people who are NOT Juliette had actual adult conversations in mature ways — which is, as you know, my kryptonite.

But first, a beef:

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Juliette has named her baby Cadence — whoever guessed “Harmony” in the comments last week was not far off, although I also don’t believe IN A MILLION YEARS that Juliette pulled that one out at the hospital. I sincerely doubt she’d be singing a lullaby with Avery and then think, “What wonderful cadence we have HEY WAIT BINGO.”

Anyway, Cadence is clearly fussy, and Juliette and Avery have been home for three weeks, and she’s starting to lose it. But Avery has band commitments — I guess Sadie Stone’s album was his only job, and now that she left to go have feelings on another TV show, he has to focus on The Triple (E)X(e)s. Juliette is bumming out, etc. But the part that really chaps my knee pits is: Hayden Panettiere and Jonathan Jackson take turns trying to soothe Cadence, and they do so by bouncing her up and down like you would not believe. BOTH of these people are parents in real life now; did NOBODY teach them not to do that? My mom volunteers in the mother and baby ward of her local hospital, and the nurse there begs new parents not to bounce their babies by cracking an egg into a mason jar and then jiggling it very lightly and saying, “See how that messes up the yolk? That is YOUR CHILD’S BRAIN PLEASE DON’T DO THAT EVER.” I’m sure it’s apt that nobody should be taking parenting tips from Juliette Barnes, but still.

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power Suit Ranking, season 6, episode 19, “Winning Ugly”


Honestly, hardly any of our main characters had any power in this episode. It is a full-on Good Wife brownout. It is getting REAL and REAL BAD for everyone except, like, David Lee. And Arvin Sloane. Because, yes, Alicia is handed ARVIN motherf’ing SLOANE to help get her out of this pickle, and if you think you know where that’s going because he’s ARVIN MOTHERF’ING SLOANE, you are right.

Let’s begin the list the same way the episode itself commenced:

16. Alicia

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Right here, Alicia is the lovely face of Wow Apparently I Really Should Not Have Put In An Email That I Want My Boss’s Tongue On A Pelvis Chain, and dear readers, WHY the news hasn’t dug up that one and run with it is beyond me. Everyone is acting like “I wish you were on top of me” is the worst thing she could have written. IT’S NOT. (And no, I will never get tired of flogging Pelvic Tongue Chain.)

The news is combining a story about her “innocent but wrong flirtation” with Will, and a story about voter fraud: It seems that a bunch of machines in pro-Niles districts were touch-screen, and weren’t calibrated correctly, so voting for Niles actually registered as a vote for Alicia. The example they give makes it SO FLAGRANT that it’s wrong, it’s amazing voters didn’t complain about it in the moment. It’d be like dialing 611 instead of 911 and then not noticing the difference. At any rate, this is no wine cardigan for Alicia. It’s a Shame Sweater. She is… real bummed. And a little clammy.

It gets no better:

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Fug the Show: Wolf Hall, episode 2, “Entirely Beloved”


In which Cromwell wins over Henry VIII to land himself a spot on the privy council, Wolsey kicks the bucket, and we all learn that life at Sir Thomas More’s house is really, really weird.

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Fug the Show: The Royals recap, episode 5, “Unmask Her Beauty To The Moon”


Still no Joan. STILL NO JOAN. But we do get a pointless and poorly attended royal masquerade, some Sadfaced Exposition, and a bowl of Viagra. [Also, this episode title is a whole special kind of lame, no?]

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Fug The Show: Mad Men recap, season 7, episode 9, “New Business”


I am sorry to say I’ve never rolled my eyes more in one episode of Mad Men. Thus, this week our methodology shall be the Mad Men Eye Roll Index.

PS: I’ve also never seen more vests in my life.

PPS: I do not understand why we are spending so much time with Elizabeth Reaser, or Megan’s family. WHOOOOOOOOOO CARES.

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