Fug File: Fug The Show

Fug the Show: Nashville season 3 premiere


This episode had an embedded gimmick: three live performances. And for my money, they TOTALLY BLEW this opportunity to get people talking. Remember how vibrant Gunnar, Avery, and Zoey were as a trio, and when Deacon joined them? Remember how moving and lovely it is whenever Lennon Stella sings anything with Chip Esten? Remember even how “Don’t Put Dirt On My Grave Just Yet” at least had some stompy attitude to it? Hell, Chris Carmack can kick it up there with the best of them, too. But instead of hooking the live viewers with songs that had verve, the show was too married to stitching together lyrics and plot. And so it served up a deadly bland ditty from Will, a bleak slow jam from Deacon, and then like two minutes of Florida Georgia Line singing a ballad while Chip Esten played guitar. So disappointing. It just wasn’t an advertisement for what this show does best.

Nor, in fact, was the premiere as a whole.

WHERE WE LEFT IT: Luke Wheeler proposed to Rayna, and not to be left out, Deacon popped by and slipped her some tongue and a proposal of his own. Will told Layla that he’s gay, as a hidden camera light for their craptacular reality show blinked unseen from their clock. Juliette got dumped by Avery because he found out she slept with Oliver Hudson. And Scarlett promised to leave town. PROMISED. SHE PROMISED. Sigh.

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We begin with an anemic peek into the events of act five. Rayna weighs her two engagement rings – Simple Yet Emotionally and Historically Meaningful, and Magpie Bait — and then Tandy pops by and gives us a very clear indication that she is rooting against Deacon. Because Tandy’s judgment is so reliable. Need I remind you, Rayna, who kept Powers Boothe’s power booth plugged in for so many years? Wait, that came out wrong. It sounded saucy. IT WASN’T. It was a sauceless father-daughter business union.

Rayna then calls someone and says, “I love you,” and promises to show up for him wherever he is. So far, we only know that Deacon is somewhere public: He’s at The Blue Bird, waiting to perform. Luke Wheeler drives up, socks Deacon in the jaw, and hisses, “Why can’t you just let her be happy?” And Deacon retorts, “Why can’t you?” with a confident smile. Oh, Deacon. He who has a shit-eating grin… is a shit-eater.

we also had a makeover, sort of

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Fug the Show: How To Get Away With Murder series premiere


Or as I call this show, Pretty Little Lawyers. Why? Because it feels EXACTLY like embattled ABC chief Paul Lee taking his biggest hit at ABC Family and greenlighting a grown-up version. Right down to the cluster of liars being at the mercy of a person whose initial is A. One of them is even sleeping with a direct supervisor, just like Aria and Ezra, except without the whole statutory rape thing that ABC Family seems to think is super romantic.

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The episode begins with the Pretty Little Lawyers discussing a dead body they found somewhere, and whether/how to hide it. Someone just might get away with MUUUURDER.  If he/she does not, that person should sue Annalise Keating for misrepresenting the content of her own class. Half the group wants to ignore it, half wants to clean it up, and they decide exactly the way all important non-homicidal choices are made at GFY HQ: They flip a coin. I can’t even tell you how many times Intern “Rosencrantz” George has had to clean out the lint traps.

As the coin is flipped up into the air, we rewind three months to the group’s first day at Middleton University…

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… where the law school is housed in a building whose only name is Middleton Law School. Not, say, The Fitzgerald Grant Building that houses the law school, or even The Robert Kardashian Law School at Middleton University. Just Middleton. Middleton everywhere. I know Carole and Michael’s party business does well, but this is a LOT of donor dollars.

The professor our intrepid youths got is Annalise Keating, played of course by Viola Davis in oxblood:

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It’s red leather because MUUUURDER. She even wrote the damn sentence on the blackboard and capitalized the M. Rather than teach them the theory of law, she’s essentially teaching them to bend it to their wills. She also wants to get her students doing her work for her – think Legally Blonde, but meaner — and so she has them break down her current case and try to come up with a defense that’s better than the one they’re strategizing. She’ll pick the four most promising kids, and let them work at her firm helping people get away with MUUUURDER.

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Fug the Show: Scandal Season 4 Premiere


The short recap is: The awesomeness of Abby’s hair is inversely proportionate to the impassioned grey turf that’s been implanted on Cyrus’s head, Mellie is handling her grief with Ugg Boots, and Olivia’s wine habit finally came back to bite her (but not in a way that ruined her wine cardigan, thank God).

Since the season three finale, when she jetted off with Jake in the wake of Fitz’s son’s death, Olivia has been slumming it in a putrid hellhole:

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She and Jake apparently took refuge on a mysterious uncharted island that’s equipped with deck chairs and a nice place to live and bang, and a dude who will bring them groceries and fine wine. It’s like the luxury resort version of the Dharma Initiative and its hatch.

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Oh, show. You’re so subtle. Although Where’d You Go, Bernadette? might have been more apt given the next shot:

get ready to go sunglasses shopping

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Fug the Show: The Good Wife Power Suit Ranking, season 6, episode 1


Sorry so tardy, but I had screengrab issues for a while with this one. Hopefully in future I can get this to you quickly, assuming the episodes are posted online fast enough (Hulu only has old seasons, CBS made it as hard as possible to stream it… le sigh). But I couldn’t deny Fug Nation its Diane Lockhart fix, much less Alicia Florrick’s classy business separates. This extremely unscientific recap process involves doing a power ranking that’s based on where their characters are and what they’re wearing. Let’s see if it works. Counting down…

10. Cary

He had a rough week.

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Cary is languishing in the clink for the foreseeable future, all because of a discussion he had with Lemond Bishop — the extremely dishy drug dealer (I mean, if you’re going to deal it, deal it right) whose “legitimate business” is handled by Alicia. The cops who arrested Cary were not impressed by his taste in men’s suiting, and cuffed him here to a guy who almost puked all over said suit. His father refused to help Florrick Agos amass the bail money — Cary doesn’t even know that part — and it turns out he’s accused of helping run $1.3 million in heroin, so he’s basically up shit creek. AND, he didn’t even get one final bang out of Kalinda before he landed in jail. Things just could not get worse.

or could they…

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I Wanna Marry Harry, season finale recap


Well, here it is, AT LONG LAST, the final episode of I Wanna Marry Harry, which should have been called, Let’s Be Honest, I Am Mostly Just Bang-Starved. There are some surprises, there is some attempted treachery, there is tongue, there are tears, there is the hasty addition of a prize, and there is a robbery. Of us. By the show. It ties us to the train tracks, extorts some rent money out of us, then doesn’t cut us loose in time to avoid death by pulverization.

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So, here are Sir’s final three options. The cold open gives us a lengthy set-up that essentially amounts to: Kelley is nuttier than a bag of almonds, Kimberly thinks Kelley is the loosest screw in the chair, and Karina may or may not be afraid Kelley would shank her in her sleep in order to gain a competitive advantage (although it’s worth nothing that the vibe I get is, Fauxry still would pick an expired Karina over a breathing Kelley).

There is also a new twist that nobody but Kingsley Shackledolt knows: If Sir’s Lady of Truest Like chooses him even though he has lied, they will each win $125,000. This is consolation money for when the lady goes back home, stops long enough to THINK about what she has done, and then grows terrified that she will never live it down, ever, among anyone she knows.

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Aw, but isn’t impossible to say no to this puppy-dog of a face?

guess who

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Fug the Show: I Wanna Marry Harry episode 7 recap


Fug Nation, I wish I could embed a clip of this episode’s final scene, because it is almost completely faked. Carefully, half-artfully, but wholly faked. Because, you see, Rose figures out that this is not Prince Harry. Why? In part, because they all got drunk at a five-person toga party. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Well, except for the stuff they made up.

This shot — his name bleeding onto the flag — symbolizes the STAIN UPON HIS NATION that is this show.

This week, the Woo Girls are told they are Sir’s Favorite Four, except more like Sir’s Favorite Three And Then Also MachiaKelley, Who Beat Out Meghan For Reasons That Still Make No Sense. They get taken to a spa for some more relaxing one-on-one time with Sir, which is so short and random that it almost feels like they had to be evacuated from Woo Manor for a quick mold purge, or because the ceiling in their bedrooms sprang a leak. Kingsley tells Kimberly that her special date will be alone time in this paltry sequel to SEX YURT:

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