Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fugs and Fabs The Cover: A Variety of International Vogues

VOGUES! So many Vogues.

[Photos: Vogue]


Fug or Fab the Cover: Kerry Washington on Marie Claire, April 2015

What I like about this cover: The fact that her face really pops, and actually looks like her FACE — with her skin color and her features and everything, unlike that horrifying crime InStyle perpetrated.

Marie Claire April 2015: Kerry Washington

What I’m not sure about: whether I actually like this on its own merits. The hair might get in the way for me a little — if it were slicked back, so that we were JUST communing with her bone structure and that look in her eyes, it might’ve been nifty. There’s also something generally dull about it. I’ve seen it before. I know this is Marie Claire, so they were never going to go full nutballs on her, but I would love to see SOMEONE let her cut LOOSE with her. Like, say, sign her up for and let a real wackadoo photographer who calls him or herself an artiste put her in some funky poses and clothes and makeup. Or, better, have her on the cover looking like this:

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Fug the Cover: Hilary Duff on Cosmopolitan, April 2015

So, I have a theory: I think Hilary Duff waited to file for divorce until right before her Cosmo cover came out, so that her interview would get more media traction because people could — and since did – frame it as, “Hilary Duff Breaks Her Silence On Divorce,” and “Hilary Duff Tells Cosmo The Real Story,” etc. Which is very savvy timing — too savvy to be accidental.

hilary duff cosmopolitan april 2015

Then again, if true, then her good planning is being undercut by the unfortunate timing of “63 Secrets To Love that Lasts” being plastered on the shoulder of someone who’s trying to soar over the smoking embers of her marriage. I actually think Hilary could have looked cute on this cover — if she were in a properly sized motorcycle jacket and not one intended for an eleven-year old. And there have to be a ton of ways to cheekily match “back and kicking ass” to her body posture, which could’ve been playful. As it is, there is nothing easy or breezy about this cover girl. It’s neither joyful nor charismatic nor effortless. It is, in fact, coated in effort and then rolled in a crunchy coating of exertion and Panko. Everything feels placed, not posed; it’s a weird combination of someone who is desperate to find a bathroom because she washed down some bad cheese with a gallon of water, and a person who just threw out her knee AND pulled a butt muscle in trying to hold this pose. In either case, her face suggests she’s smiling through surprise and anguish, and that she’s psychically willing the photographer to call a time of death on this thing so she can put away her veneers and take a calming shot. At least her cleavage looks good? We’ve been begging Hollywood to use more linings, so here, Hilary, take that one made of silver.


Fug the Cover: Gwyneth Paltrow on Marie Claire UK, April 2015

The barrage of hard-to-read cover text bothers me a lot here.

Gwyneth Paltrow on Marie Claire UK April 2015

But not as much as the fact that the photographer seems to have caught Gwynnie mid-squat.


Well Played Cover: Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss on Vogue

Many of you predicted this, and to you I say: WELL DONE:


Which actually is also what I say to Vogue. This is charming, and fun, and they both look great, and while I’ve seen a variety of jokes circulating the internet joking that it’s also the cover of a reboot of Single White Female, and I laughed at them, I also think it’s groovy that Vogue is (at least ostensibly) celebrating girlfriends this month. A good friend is invaluable and I suspect these two have a lot in common (tallness, people taking cell phone pictures of them when they’re just trying to buy kombucha, etc).  Additionally, I guess they share a great hairstylist and a good no-makeup makeup look. Which actually is a great bonding commonality also.


Fug the Cover: Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan on Glamour March 2015

All jokes and rumors aside, I don’t necessarily get the vibe that these two dislike each other. I DO get the vibe that they are like old war buddies who can’t see each other without having flashbacks to grisly things they never want to experience again. (The movie also apparently required reshoots of many of these sex scenes that probably were awkward enough to do the first go-round.) Which, I mean, it’s not like the source material was a mystery when they both signed on for the project, but I also sympathize, because it happens all the time that something you think will be no big deal turns out to be HORRIBLE.

Anyway, as such, the chemistry in photos is not merely absent, but in fact hanging out with Punxsutawney Phil and giving thanks for six more weeks of winter. His face in EVERY PHOTO bespeaks the inner anguish of the damned.

[Photos: Glamour]