Fug File: Fug The Cover

Who Covered It Better: Kate Hudson on Harper’s Bazaar vs LC on Cosmo

We already wrote up Lauren Conrad’s springy January 2014 cover of Cosmo, and then Harper’s Bazaar came along with what I’d term the grown-up version:

It’s the adult version of the flouncy little bra-top dress, a sexier version of the California beachy-blonde subject, the more famous lady, and obviously, it has cover lines that do not include unexpected lower-case vowels. The color palette is less HOT HOT HOT GET LAID A LOT than it is Be Super Classy This Year Y’all, and instead of an interview about “getting past the haters,” this one simply offers us “the real deal.” It’s like an entire demographic jump north of the other one. The question is, which one do you like better? Neither dress lights me on fire, and both women look charming and fun, but something about the overall mien of this one stresses me out a lot less, plus Kate’s smile here is both so wholly her and so wholly Goldie, in a way that delights me. I’m sure this is just me inching toward Harper’s demo and out of Cosmo’s, but I am going to give this cover the win.

But it is YOUR opinion I want to hear:

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Fugs and Fabs: Elle, January 2014

Let’s take a look at a whole lot of Elles — including the US one, which has an actual model on the cover, in a refreshing start to 2014.



Well Played Cover: Cate Blanchett on Vogue

Dear Cate Blanchett: On the one hand, never stop. On the other hand, PLEASE stop, because it’s bad for my self-esteem, because you make me want to be more awesome and I think that might not work out.

[Photos: Vogue]


Well Played, Albeit Curiously Played, Cover: Lauren Conrad on Cosmopolitan

It’s a credit to Lauren Conrad that the girl hasn’t been on TV for three years and doesn’t court paparazzi attention to keep herself in magazines, and still has enough appeal to land big covers.

However you felt about The Hills, or her ability to sit and nod whilst not saying much of anything, she is a really lovely girl — the sunny, smiling, blonde, adorable platonic ideal of a California kid. You feel like she probably smells like salt water. And I love that she’s flesh-colored and not overbronzed, and that her body is healthy-fit, so from that standpoint she really does look gorgeous. Further, I do get the whimsy in putting such an innocent-looking person on the cover of your “Naughty New Year” issue. But is she the last person left who’d achieve that? Somehow Lauren Conrad feels like one of the middle of the year cover girls in a month that gets lost on newsstands a little, rather than your big year-end/year-beginning issue, where I imagine a lot of people travel and get enticed to buy it at newsstand prices. (Then again, I know nothing about publishing, so maybe I’m way off.) And I’m thrown off by the crazy summery clothes. It’s not making me yearn for Hawaii so much as reminding me that my feet are cold and I should put on some thicker socks. It’s the fashion equivalent of selling Christmas stuff before Halloween (or Thanksgiving) is even over: too soon, universe. Too soon.

Here is my other beef, though: What is with the random lowercase vowels in her name on the cover line? That feels like a totally random design choice, and frankly, more juvenile — in an age sense — than the Cosmo target audience. It reminds me of spam comments that come from someone named Great Leather Handbags and which say things like, “~~Go gEt yOuR dEsIgnER pURses for LeSS!$$$!~~”  I don’t want to give that person my money; I want to ban their IP address.


Well Played Cover: Britney Spears on InStyle


I look really GOOD on the cover of InStyle:

Tyra Banks texted me something about my neck that I didn’t understand because Tyra doesn’t speak English anymore — her text was all, “SMIZE BOOCH TOOCH BUT YOU FORGOT TO NOOCH. WERKKIT H2T <3 TYTYBAYBEE” and I don’t even understand what some of those letters are doing in that order but I just figure that Tyra is annoyed with me because I told her I couldn’t be fiercely real with her that one time, because I didn’t know what being fiercely real would ENTRAIL. Anywaaaaay, other than my lack of NOOCH, whatever that is, I look PRETTY FANTASTIC here, don’t I? Let’s talk about all the things that I am doing right now that are currently fantastic:

1) I am moving into Caesar’s Place, which is fantastic because their cocktail waitresses are the best dressed people in Las Vegas and maybe they’ll loan me one of their little togas and then I can finally look like Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor in Liz & Dick when I am outside having a Diet and Bacardi by the Lazy River and that is my number-one dream, okay?

b) I’m real in love with whatever rando brunette dude I’m dating right now, y’all. Whatever he’s called, no one has ever made me feel like him, whoever he is. NOT EVEN YOU JUSTIN. Actually honestly y’all, now that I have seen the horrible hideous ugly things Jessica Biel has been wearing since they got married I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. I am being totally serious, you guys. She has to wear like crocheted pants and stuff now and I was never going to do that. I might be unmarried right now and I might have to give Kevin Federline like twelve thousand dollars a month in alimony and I might be the record-holder for Shortest Vegas Marriage On Record but at least I get to wear whatever I want, y’all, and yeah, sometimes it IS a pair of cut-offs I haven’t washed in six months because I want to see if I can get them to stand up by themselves, but so what? That’s FREEDOM.

?) That reminds me, I should totally marry someone when I live in Vegas, RIGHT, Y’ALL? Oh my God, call People and tell them that I am probably going to get married when I am in Vegas, maybe at the Lazy River and maybe to a craps dealer I AM SO EXCITED. THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST IDEAS.

iv) My Mom just called and I guess I’m actually moving into something called “Planet Hollywood” and I’m actually not that happy about that because no one told me that space travel was going to be involved in this and I don’t know if my new weave is going to look so hot in zero gravity but whatever I guess I signed the contract. There better be a lazy river there, is all I’m saying.

g)RIGHT, so I’m honestly over Justin and anyone who doesn’t think so can SUCK IT.

5) I do seriously look really good on this cover and so what if some of it is Photoshop? That’s the whole point of Photoshop.

*) The nice people at InStyle called me “Britney!” and I am pretty sure that’s because they know I like to sign my Letters of Truth, which makes me feel like someone understands me finally.




Fug or Fab The Covers: Jennifer Lawrence on Various Media

I kind of love that InStyle took the girl on fire and effectively put her on ice.