Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug or Fab the Cover: Cate Blanchett on W Magazine, January 2016

I enjoy that W magazine is still doing artsy covers. It’s nice to have something leap out at you on the newsstands for reasons other than insane Photoshop jobs.

w magazine january 2016 cover cate blanchett

There’s a SWINTON quality to its austere fearlessness. It doesn’t want to be pretty. It just wants to seep into you. So while I don’t know if I LIKE it, exactly — I never imagined a cross between Elizabeth and The Crucible; come to think of it, though, I am fairly sure the Virgin Queen would in a fit of pique testify to seeing Robert Dudley with the devil — I am definitely pleased it exists, and gives me something fresh to look at when I’m taking a break from bewailing the usual suspects.

[Photo: W]


Fug the Cover: Miranda Lambert on Cosmopolitan, January 2016

My main pet peeve: There is something so repellently antiquated about the concept of “The One Line That’ll Make Him Commit.”

miranda lambert cosmopolitan 2016 january

Like, screw MAKING someone commit. This isn’t Passions. It’s disappointing to see Cosmo, ostensibly a progressive magazine for progressive ladies — or at least one that fancies itself that — pushing such a passe idea. If the person you’re with doesn’t want to commit, then that person is a fool, because you are great, and why would you want to yoke yourself to a fool anyway? The careless implications of that line irritate me enough that I may need to open this up on the newsstand to read about shutting down my stress.

The rest of this is so-so as well. That “No Side-Hustle Required” line about cash flow gave me a moment of pause because somehow, being right next to her cleavage, I caught a nudge-nudge, wink-wink, streetcorner implication to the word “hustle” that I do not think was intended. Miranda has a great bod, though, and her cleavage does look great. The bracelets and rings and necklace here are cute enough to salvage an unimaginative dress. It’s a very quiet cover that seems to be muting her natural verve a little, but it’s also not doing her wrong. She IS very fixated lately on smiling through tightly closed lips, though, in a way that makes look never truly happy. Maybe someone gave her a Jessica Simpson complex and she’s struggling to overcome it. I’d certainly prefer that to her actually NOT being truly happy.

[Photo: Cosmo]


Fab The Covers: Lupita Nyong’o

Lupita’s doing everything from Elle UK to Essence to an airline magazine. I welcome her omnipresence on both land and in sky. Now let’s get her back on the big screen, yes? She’s got a freaking Oscar, Hollywood. Help her spread those wings.


Your Late Night/Morning Man: David Beckham, People’s Sexiest Man Alive 2015

Please meet 2015′s Sexiest Man Alive, per People magazine, a perennially favorite Afternoon Man, one Mr David Beckham:


I think this is a totally legit call. For one thing, as regular readers know, I think Becks is hot like fire and I truly do love him. I find him for real sexy. His nickname, for pete’s sake, is Golden Balls. But for another, as I am sure Lainey will discuss at length today, Sexiest Man Alive is something that is, naturally, designed to play to the People demographic — of which I am a committed part, trust me. I love me some People magazine. I used to talk myself into going to the orthodontist only because I knew I would be able to catch up there – so it’s never going to go to someone slightly off-kilter, or Internet Sexy, like, I dunno, Tom Hiddleston (DON’T GET MAD AT ME YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN I LIKE HIM TOO CALM DOWN #NODISRESPECTTOHIDDLES). Twitter reaction last night seemed to be mostly positive –  for who can really deny the power of Becks? THE MAN NAVIGATED A SPEEDBOAT CARRYING THE OLYMPIC FLAME! He is so cute with his kids! HE’S DELICIOUSLY MUSCULAR! He’s their first athlete ever! — with the only real complaint that I saw being that this seemed like a rather dated choice. Which I can understand, but also to which I personally kinda shrug. It’s People. They’re not on the cutting edge of sexy dudes. They’re not supposed to be; it’s not their brand. If you picked up People and they were telling you that you needed to get all worked up over, like, the muscular Swedish drummer, pierced nipple enthusiast/pansexual performance artist Sven Pantsworth-Spelevink,* you’d think they’d lost their collective minds. Me, I think Becks is absolutely sexy, he definitely seems to be a man, and, last I checked, he IS alive  — AND PLEASE REMAIN SO FOR A LONG TIME, SIR — and ergo, this choice sits totally correctly on my heart. And also in my pants.

I would like to know what he’s doing with his tee-shirt, though. David, you’re going to stretch out the neck like that.

*Not a real person. As far as I know.

[Photo: People]


Well Played Cover, Jennifer Lawrence on Vogue, December 2015

I can’t believe I didn’t call Jennifer Lawrence for this year’s pool. Better luck next year! That said, I think this cover is really good. I also think several of you are going to disagree with me on that point.

[Photos: Vogue]


Fug the Cover: Daisy Ridley on Elle, December 2015

I guess the benefit of a cover subject not being a household face– in fact, when I winced and showed Jess the picture, she frowned and said, “Who IS that?” — is that very few people can carp about whether she looks like herself, because has anyone REALLY pegged Daisy Ridley’s face yet? From my limited exposure to her in the previews and the odd promotional appearance, though, I am pretty sure this doesn’t show her to her best advantage. Mostly because I don’t know that this would show anyone to her best advantage. If I had to peg it, I’d say this looks like a promo shot from a Mystic Pizza remake starring an actress who’s a combination of Malin Akerman, Hailee Steinfeld, and Annabeth Gish.

[Photos: Elle]


Well Played Cover: Rachel Weisz on Harper’s Bazaar UK, November 2015

I am deeply into Rachel Weisz at the moment. I ALWAYS have found her incredibly beautiful, but I am feeling particularly fond of her given this week’s adorable canoodle-athon with Bond. Even all of that aside, I think this cover is great:


It manages to be so icy grey and yet so warm at the same time (thanks, I think, to how soft her dress and hair are). It’s beautiful, and appealing. (It goes without saying that I’d also like to know The Secrets of a Swan Neck. I always thought that secret was, “have good genes.” I also want her hair.)

I am less enamored of their subscriber’s cover, although I actually really like her facial expression:


I usually like how sparse subscriber covers are, but this just feels unfinished (and a little random. Is she straightening her flower pin like a bow tie? That’s not how things work). For once, though, this makes sense: The newsstand makes me want to buy it. If I were a subscriber, I’d already be in too deep anyway.

[Photos: Harper's Bazaar UK]