Fug File: Fug The Cover

Fug or Fine the Covers: Khloe Kardashian and Ashley Benson on Cosmopolitan

Of course there are emojis on the cover of Cosmo. OF COURSE.

It makes sense — after all, Cosmo feels increasingly like it’s assuming the other demographics will still buy it no matter what, and so it’s targeting high-school girls, in the hopes of being the mag they’ll bring home in secret, and hide under their beds, because they want all the saucy sex and boy stuff that’s in there. To that end, we’ve got an actress on the cover who’s on a teen soap on ABC Family, and she’s in a sweater that COULD be, theoretically, the thing her preppy and potentially illicitly college-age boyfriend wore to a regatta and then she swiped it and took a selfie of herself in it and texted it to him (which totally ended up in the Internet, because texting saucy selfies to boys who might still be dipshits IS A BAD IDEA, LADIES). Ahem. All that said, while I think her right thigh angle is crazy-looking when we can’t see enough of the rest of her form, Ashley herself looks great — her face and hair really work.  The saucy-prepster thing is well-matched to the Sex Olympics theme, although I wish they hadn’t put “15 Easy Ways To Score An Extra $2,000″ right underneath that because people might get the wrong ideas.

Have your feelings here:

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Next up is Khloe Kardashin on this month’s issue:

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Fug The Cover: Shailene Woodley on Teen Vogue

I’d like this, if she didn’t look so sad:

And since she’s promoting Divergent and not The Fault In Our Stars — AKA Why Don’t You Just Go Ahead And Ugly Cry? — her Sad Face isn’t even thematic! I mean, there is no doubt that Shailene is beautiful and this is a lovely shot of her, and she has a lot of emotion in her face here, all of which is great, but does this really scream, “EPIC PROM” to you? I think they accidentally landed on “EPIC TRAGEDY.”  I can only assume they were aiming for dreamy, but even if that’s the case, then the “Hollywood Rebel” cover line doesn’t match what they thought her expression said, EITHER. Is she dreamy? Is she rebellious? Is she going to prom or to hell? In short: I HAVE CONFUSION. Thanks for your devotion to the mighty bracelet, though, Shailene. None of this is your fault.

[Photo: Teen Vogue]


Fug or Fab the Cover: Lena Dunham on Glamour

Last month, she was on Vogue, this month she’s on Glamour. Not too shabby, Lena Dunham:

I’m on record as liking the Vogue cover a lot, but I’m not quite as enamored of this one. It’s not her fault; I actually think her FACE looks great, if a wee bit dead-eyed. But I’m rarely a fan of the “oh god, you guys, I have such a headache” posing and OMG Glamour, we’re ALL over talking about her body so NO NEED TO PUT THAT ON THE COVER right OVER said body. Additionally, somewhere in a hidden room of a gelato warehouse, Tyra Banks just woke up in a cold sweat. She’s felt the presence of neckless cover shot in the universe and her chi is rattled.

How do you like it?


Fug and Fab The Cover: Various Recent International Vogues

I don’t know about you, but I always find the covers of foreign fashion magazines totally fascinating. Here in the United States (probably this generalization can be extended to the UK as well), most of our fashion mags have celebrity covers, and it’s rare to see a proper model, unless she’s a modelebrity, like Giselle. And yet so many of these covers are alluring, I think, because we’re not bringing a preconceived notion to the image, the way you always do with a celeb. I understand that here in the US, celeb covers sell the way that model covers don’t, and staying in business is the name of the game. What can you do? Well, ogle these, for a start. WARNING: The final slide does contain a fully naked bare breast, in case you’re at work. Just one, though. If it matters.


Well Played The Cover: Kristen Stewart on Marie Claire, March 2014

I think this cover is pretty compelling, and not just because whatever she’s wearing seems like it might be AMAZING:

Her hair is distractingly great here — whether or not it’s technically Bombshell Bedhead Hair, I guess I shall have to read the magazine to find out.  And while this expression is one that could easily slide into Totally Stoned, I think she’s managing to stop it right at the line of Smoldering and Sultry, which is not such an easy trick. Speaking of stoned, though, I would love to know if they intentionally treated the font on “Why Women Are High On a Trippy New Drug” so that it makes me feel like I’m high every time I try to read it. I hope so, or else the answer is just, “you’re not high, but you are OLD.”  And I already knew that.

[Photo: Tesh/Marie Claire]


Well Played Cover: Rihanna on Vogue, March 2014

Who had Rihanna in the pool?

I actually think this cover is great, which means I’ve liked every single one of their covers since December, which means either I have some kind of wicked brain fog or Vogue has started picking their covers via a different means that usual. I think it helps that her face looks great here: very little makeup, simple hair, lively expression. Combined, especially with those light-wash jeans, it almost makes this look like it could have been a photoshoot (with a proper model, not a celebrity) from the mid-90s, and there’s something refreshing about that. Of course she’s wearing Marc Jacob’s Farewell to Louis Vuitton, but that seems right for this exact occasion. Keep it up, Vogue.

[Photo: Mario Testino/Vogue]