Fug File: Fug The Cover

Well Played Cover: Britney Spears on InStyle


OH EM GEE Y’ALL.

I look really GOOD on the cover of InStyle:

Tyra Banks texted me something about my neck that I didn’t understand because Tyra doesn’t speak English anymore — her text was all, “SMIZE BOOCH TOOCH BUT YOU FORGOT TO NOOCH. WERKKIT H2T <3 TYTYBAYBEE” and I don’t even understand what some of those letters are doing in that order but I just figure that Tyra is annoyed with me because I told her I couldn’t be fiercely real with her that one time, because I didn’t know what being fiercely real would ENTRAIL. Anywaaaaay, other than my lack of NOOCH, whatever that is, I look PRETTY FANTASTIC here, don’t I? Let’s talk about all the things that I am doing right now that are currently fantastic:

1) I am moving into Caesar’s Place, which is fantastic because their cocktail waitresses are the best dressed people in Las Vegas and maybe they’ll loan me one of their little togas and then I can finally look like Lindsay Lohan playing Liz Taylor in Liz & Dick when I am outside having a Diet and Bacardi by the Lazy River and that is my number-one dream, okay?

b) I’m real in love with whatever rando brunette dude I’m dating right now, y’all. Whatever he’s called, no one has ever made me feel like him, whoever he is. NOT EVEN YOU JUSTIN. Actually honestly y’all, now that I have seen the horrible hideous ugly things Jessica Biel has been wearing since they got married I AM TOTALLY OVER HIM. I am being totally serious, you guys. She has to wear like crocheted pants and stuff now and I was never going to do that. I might be unmarried right now and I might have to give Kevin Federline like twelve thousand dollars a month in alimony and I might be the record-holder for Shortest Vegas Marriage On Record but at least I get to wear whatever I want, y’all, and yeah, sometimes it IS a pair of cut-offs I haven’t washed in six months because I want to see if I can get them to stand up by themselves, but so what? That’s FREEDOM.

?) That reminds me, I should totally marry someone when I live in Vegas, RIGHT, Y’ALL? Oh my God, call People and tell them that I am probably going to get married when I am in Vegas, maybe at the Lazy River and maybe to a craps dealer I AM SO EXCITED. THIS IS ONE OF MY BEST IDEAS.

iv) My Mom just called and I guess I’m actually moving into something called “Planet Hollywood” and I’m actually not that happy about that because no one told me that space travel was going to be involved in this and I don’t know if my new weave is going to look so hot in zero gravity but whatever I guess I signed the contract. There better be a lazy river there, is all I’m saying.

g)RIGHT, so I’m honestly over Justin and anyone who doesn’t think so can SUCK IT.

5) I do seriously look really good on this cover and so what if some of it is Photoshop? That’s the whole point of Photoshop.

*) The nice people at InStyle called me “Britney!” and I am pretty sure that’s because they know I like to sign my Letters of Truth, which makes me feel like someone understands me finally.

LOVE,

BRITNEY!

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Fug or Fab The Covers: Jennifer Lawrence on Various Media


I kind of love that InStyle took the girl on fire and effectively put her on ice.

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Well Played The Cover: Jessica Chastain on Vogue


And here, at last, we have our final Vogue cover of 2013.

I must admit that I love it, and not only because I — like so many other students — had a poster of Sir Frederic Leighton’s Flaming June on my wall in college, and this is clearly inspired by that painting, which I love. But that’s part of it. It is so refreshing to see a magazine cover that isn’t just Celebrity In Gown, but is actually making a reference to something. Sure, her makeup isn’t something she’d wear out, but for once that’s actually beside the point. As we’ve often discussed, Chastain often looks not-quite-right on the red carpet, but she’s a wonderful actor, and it’s brilliant of Vogue to give her a part to play on the cover. I actually want to buy this issue and put it on my coffee table; I think it is gorgeous.

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Fug the Cover: Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan on Entertainment Weekly


I have thoughts. So many thoughts. So many, many thoughts:

1) I am unfamiliar with Jamie Dornan but he’s hot, and because I think this movie is going to be a total shitshow disaster, I feel bad for him.  By the time this thing comes out, people are going to be well over 50 Shades and onto something new, because I feel like 50 Shades is the kind of thing that burns brightly and then burns OUT, because the reasons it’s popular have nothing to do with actual quality and more to do with some weird zeitgeist thing that, for some reason, made everyone decide they really needed a little light bondage in their lives, ideally from a love interest who made the heroine sign a 7-page contract about their sex life. (I’m not making that up; I can’t believe I need to clarify this, but paperwork is rarely sexy, people.) He also already looks like he regrets this. Very, “Wait, you want me to do WHAT with this tie? Shit, I thought Charlie Hunnam was just kidding.” GET OUT NOW, DUDE.

2) Please don’t get me started on a book that involves an interior monologue which says things like, “My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” I literally have second-hand embarrassment for the English language just reading that.

3) I love Dakota Johnson. She was so charming and good in the underrated Ben & Kate and I am pretty sure she just signed up for the Exit to Eden of our generation.

4) The good news is, this cover shot makes her look like a greasy Alexis Bledel, so maybe she can just DISAVOW entirely. Forever. Although Alexis Bledel might not appreciate that much.

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Fug the Cover: Lea Michele on Elle


I have to think Lea Michele would’ve wished for something better than this:

It’s her big Life After Cory interview, and she looks, to be blunt, totally freaky. It’s like she’s wearing ten extremely expensive chastity chains– placed right next to a red-tinged cover line about SEXUAL AWAKENING — and then a demi-trench whose belt is flapping around and confusing things. Her hair looks greasy and stiff, like she styled with butter, the eyeliner is as if she’s been on a massive bender and hasn’t removed last Friday’s makeup yet, she looks aggressive and kind of angry rather than sultry and alluring, and worst yet, NONE of this flatters her face at ALL. She is SO MUCH cuter than this. Rather than reassuring me she’s doing well and finally revitalized after that hellacious loss, it makes me nervous that she’s about to go crackballs. NOBODY WANTS CRACKBALLS.

[Photo: Elle]

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Fug the Cover: Kerry Washington on Lucky


This cannot have gone according to plan.

I am sure the plan was, “Let’s put Kerry Washington on the cover because America is obsessed with her right now,” and not, “Let’s put Kerry Washington on the cover and make her look like she’s suffering through menstrual cramps and an extreme cobweb attack while someone blows a wind cannon at her that’s making it impossible for her to open her eyes.” Like, I am fairly sure that even on the set, while making this pose, Kerry Washington looked more like Kerry Washington than she does right here on the cover. That right there is crazyface. Olivia Pope would take one look at this cover and then accept Kerry Washington as a client, and set about ruining the lives of the slanderous hobos who made this happen. Also, does ANYTHING about this make you feel festive? Do you at ALL want to dig into holiday shopping, drink a hot cocoa spiked with something devilish, scream the incomparably catchy and badmazing “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” in your car while imitating all the overwrought performances of those ill-conceived lyrics (I don’t know if “the only water flowing is A BITTER STING OF TEARS” or “the Christmas bells that ring there are the CLANGING CHIMES OF DOOM” is my favorite, but let me tell you, by the time Bono comes in all lecturey with “TONIGHT THANK GOD IT’S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU,” I am in FULL performance mode)? Does it make you want to make stuffing and a turkey and eat pie, and watch football and wear cute coats and things? No. It MIGHT make you want to wear a scarf, but only because you are pretty sure you would wear it better than she has been told to wear this one. That is a perfunctory scarf. That scarf says, “Shit, we totally dressed her for spring — quick, throw a scarf on her neck. INSTANT WINTER.”

And for what it’s worth, the parenthetical on the cover line is annoying me, too. “Perfect, Glowy Skin” did not need “all winter long” to be in parenthesis. It reads like a disclaimer: “Yeah, we can’t actually promise you good skin beyond, say, February, but listen, we’re here for you until then.”

In sum: Unlawful Crazyface mixed with Unseasonal Tomfoolery plus Unnecessary Parentheses = I am wearing three pairs of crankypants.

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