Fug File: Fug Madness

Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Top Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, peruse the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Diane Kruger vs. Solange · Alyssa Milano vs. Jaden Smith · Bella Thorne vs. Mamie Gummer
 

(1) LADY GAGA vs. (16) BAG

While Jessica’s placeholder for text is WORDS, I am too lazy, and so mine is often just letters. Usually the letter F. So imagine me dropping in photos before writing the text of this entry, with just F F F F everywhere around pictures of this:

Apt, no? I mean, F that thing. F it straight to Hell (and then bring it back and let it gossip with us about what it’s like down there and how good our reserved table is). It’s an Hermes Birkin defaced by some artist friend of Kanye’s, who probably thought — correctly — that he was putting one over on the Kardashians by getting one of them to carry an accessory decorated with images of them as hedonistic ghouls. I can’t decide if that guy deserves a smack for touching that bag or a medal for doing it in a way that HAS to have been a subversive ridiculing.

Bag is here because it beat Hat, and so Bag gets to take on a human competitor. Bag is merely Bag; Lady Gaga is multitudes. So drink in Bag, and then contemplate whether it can beat this:

get ready

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Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Charo Bracket, Bottom Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Paula Patton vs. Maggie Gyllenhaal · Julianne Hough v. Abigail Breslin · Heidi Klum vs. Florence Welch
 

(2) KATY PERRY vs. (15) HARRY STYLES

Katy Perry is not to be counted out. She may be a two seed, but she came in swinging to this one. Katy’s archive is a veritable trove of delights and you could spend a happy hour there, but in case you don’t have an hour, allow me to make some suggestions, like your sommelier of fug. If you like sparkly religious iconography, you’ll love what she wore to the Met Gala. If you love figure-skating and the 90s, this will be your jam. If you’re obsessed with the idea of wearing all of your hotel room curtains at once, can I suggest a cup of this crazy? Finally, frankly, I don’t even know what this is.

And that’s not even the half of it. She wore this — ON PURPOSE — to see Britney in Vegas. Like, in public, not in Britney’s hotel room:

She apparently had a tutu fetish this year, too, looking at the previous look and then at this one:

She’s always dressed like a crazy person on stage, and this year was no different. I don’t even know what’s happening here. Does her vagina have a tiny little loincloth? A literal cloth over her loins?

This is also the year, by the way, that she dressed up like Fraulein Cher Horowitz, and wore this Sheer Constellation Extravaganza and also brought out this ridiculous grill:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Bjork Bracket, Top Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Ellie Goulding vs. Kaley Cuoco · Kerry Washington vs. Jena Malone · Beyonce vs. Emma Watson
 

(1) KIM KARDASHIAN vs. (16) LADY VICTORIA HERVEY

It’s been a while since a top seed versus a play-in winner have provided such a formidable matchup. Y’all were correct to pick Lady Hervey for this dubious honor, because she’s been busier than anyone realized; however, she may have met her exhibitionist match. If Kim wins, I fully expect her to assume this means she also gets to appropriate the “Lady” from Victoria’s title. CAN YOU IMAGINE. “Hey, England, I’d like to introduce you to your newest blue-blood.”

And England will be like, “Ew, except we’re not actually fazed because we’ve seen it all before.” Case in point, and no, it’s not the photo you’re expecting it to be:

it’s still naked though

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Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Cher Bracket, Bottom Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Gwyneth Paltrow v. Madonna · Julia Roberts v. Nicole Scherzinger · Demi Lovato v. Sarah Paulson
 


(2) JENNIFER LAWRENCE vs. (15) JANUARY JONES

Or, WHAT DIOR HATH WROUGHT:

That is seriously just a joke. Those are joke pants. Those pants are someone at Dior f’ing with her, and all of us.  They are INSANITY. All of J Law’s archives this year can kind of be summed up as, “WTF, Dior,” however. And while I encourage you to peruse them, here are some of the most egregious offenders:

UGH SHEER (which is the name of one of my many fictional indie bands):

UGH, even SHEERER:

Honestly, that dress is just a blight.  There is no reason not to line that skirt. It’s not prettier unlined, it’s not more interesting, it’s not more flattering. At this point, it’s not even more shocking. It’s just ugly and unnecessary, and, frankly, ridiculous. Stop the madness.

I am sure Dior is paying Lawrence an immense amount of money, but the weird thing about this partnership, to me, is that it doesn’t seem to be doing either one of them any favors. FOR EXAMPLE:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Madonna Bracket, Bottom Half


As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work from this period (late Feb, after the 2013 Oscars, through this year’s Oscars). Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, have fun.

Jump to: Marion Cotillard vs. Jessica White · Jessie J vs. Lena Dunham · Selena Gomez vs. Malin Akerman
 

(3) CATE BLANCHETT vs. (14) DAKOTA FANNING

This is a good matchup, because in a lot of ways — both acting and adventurous fashion, actually — Dakota could BE a Baby Blanchett. Consider this weirdo origami dress from Dakota, for example:

Cate Blanchett would TOTALLY try to wear that. She’d be like, “What the hell, I LOVE the napkin arts.” She’d be wrong, I think, but tempted.

Probably not so with some of this other stuff, which is very Junior Varsity in the experimental arena (which is normal for a girl Dakota’s age, but still).

What’s UNDER the overlay is so unflattering to her chest that it almost overshadows the overlay itself being stupid.

This was a decent idea, but the top seems to sit too low on her, I think, or at least looks very… precariously suspended there. I just want to re-conceive everything above the belly button, and perhaps even tweak it so that the belly button is not a factor at all. No call for a navel battle here.

It was, apparently, a top she found so nice, she wore it twice:

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Fug Madness 2014, Round One: Charo Bracket, Top Half


 

As a refresher: The photos and links in each matchup post are NOT the only outfits eligible; rather, they’re a representative sample of the body of work. Polls close after 24 hours, so if you like to research your choices — on our site, Getty Images, Google, whatever — have at it and just make sure you vote before the game ends. If you need a primer on how all this works, pursue the the FAQ. And, most importantly, enjoy!

Jump to: Jessica Biel v. Rooney Mara · Ciara v. Zosia Mamet · Kristen Wiig v. Pharrell Williams
(1) RIHANNA vs. (16) JEMIMA KIRKE

Behold Rihanna’s archives, for they are rich in the fug! She wore onesies! She wore catsuits! She wore trench coats and ONLY trench coats. (Remember, this is the woman who recently gave a quote which explained — if I may paraphrase — that if she’s wearing a shirt, she’s not going to wear a bra, but if she’s wearing a bra, she doesn’t want to wear a shirt. Which is awful but I also thought it was really funny. I don’t know. It’s so honest!)

She also wore the likes of this:

You have to give her credit for giving the paparazzi something to laugh at. Beyond her outfit.

So I guess this fell into the Not Needing A Bra category, despite the fact that it barely falls into the CLOTHING category.

Rihanna was, like, REALLY into robes this year. Like, extremely. I kind of love this:

Not in the way where I think it’s good, but in the way where I think it’s amusing. She looks like a private dancer — a dancer for money, if you will — performing in character as Cruella deVil, had she decided to go down another path. It’s cartoonish in a way that makes the whole thing feel harmless. And also TOTALLY INSANE.

Speaking of going out wearing just wearing a bra:

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