Fug File: Dialogues

Nicky Fugton


NICKY HILTON: I can’t BELIEVE  I’m still getting invited to stuff! REAL stuff! We’re going to the Valentino show! That’s REAL. That’s like an ACTUAL THING.

KATHY HILTON: Shhhh. Don’t draw anyone’s attention to us. In case it was a mistake.

NICKY: Mom.

KATHY: I do look nice, thank you.

NICKY: No, I was going to say that I’m already dressed like the lead in a dominatrix’s re-imagining of “Hot for Teacher.” The cat is out of the bag.

KATHY: Fair enough.

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The Fugprentice


SUNGLASSES: I cannot believe people are allowed to do this to poor, helpless dogs.

LEOPARD: Kid, you don’t know how lucky you have it. Sunglasses? Probably with SPF lenses? LUXURY. Why, back in my day, I got my fur dyed every other week and wore weird ski hats and bows in my hair.

SUNGLASSES: Easy for you to say, Panties. You don’t have your undercarriage hanging out for all the world to see.

LEOPARD: Girl, please. Amateur. Why do you think I learned to cross my legs?

SUNGLASSES: Oh, WOE, can’t she put me into a kennel?

LEOPARD: Child, you are already in prison. At least you’re starting out with a cellmate.

SUNGLASSES: You could enjoy my suffering a bit less, you know.

LEOPARD: No. No, I couldn’t.

[Photos: WENN]

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Streeply Streeped: Streep


SHIRLEY: Hello, Ma.

MERYL: No, dearest,  it’s not your mother, it’s Meryl.

SHIRLEY: I know that, you crackpot, I’m not senile. I was talking to Half-Pint’s mother.

MERYL: Do you need some medication, sweetheart?

SHIRLEY: Can it, Easy Streep, I’m as sane as a balloon.

MERYL: Which is…?

SHIRLEY: CLEARLY, you are not simply Meryl Streep. CLEARLY, you wear the baggage of your past lives like a celestial cloak made of lace and the tears of prairie folk. And CLEARLY you are the reincarnation of Ma Ingalls.

MERYL: Okay, dear. If you say so.

SHIRLEY: Don’t tweak my craw, Grim Streeper. Reincarnation is my game. Cross me here, and I’ll smite you sometime in 2079.

MERYL: Fair enough.

[Photo: Getty]

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Fug or Fab: Lea Michele and Jenna Dewan


JENNA DEWAN TATUM: So…what’s wrong?

LEA MICHELE: What are you talking about? Don’t I look SO HAPPY?

JENNA: Yeah. But your hair has gotten to the point where it’s covering, like, forty percent of your face now.  It’s like you’re trying to hide from the world. (I have been reading psychology books to learn how to deal with everyone’s surprise at the fact that my husband is actually really funny, apparently. No one believed me for years. Survivor’s guilt. No. That’s not what I have. Resentment? Whatever.  He’s funny, America. DEAL WITH IT.)

LEA: Are you done with your parenthetical conversation that has nothing to do with my face?

JENNA: Yeah. But I’m worried. You have a really NICE face! Why are you covering it with HAIR?

LEA:…honestly? I forgot to pluck my brows this week.  This hair is triage.

JENNA: Now let’s talk about your dress:

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Hilariously Yet Also WTFly Played: Josh Duhamel and Fergie


JOSH: HELLO LOS ANGELES! WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!

FERGIE: YEAH YEAH  YEAH, TARZAN, SWING THROUGH MY JUNGLE!

JOSH: Shh, stop it. Ahem. HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT? Are YOU ready to ROOOOOCK?

FERGIE: I’m ready for you to rock MY ages, baby!

JOSH: No! You’re doing it wrong. That’s not sexy, that’s just weird.

FERGIE: Um…?

[Photos: Getty]

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Fugary Swank


FERGIE: Hilary. You’re smiling. Why are you smiling?

HILARY: Because… should I not be?

FERGIE: Do tree stumps smile?

HILARY: No.

FERGIE: WELL THEN:

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Fug or Fab: Linda Evangelista


LINDA: You must adore me, Karl.

KARL: Yes, I must. You handcuff the souls of the innocent to your bedpost and then swallow the key.

LINDA: I meant more that clearly you adore me, because I am here. And I am expensive.

KARL: Price tags are for sale items, pet. UPCHARGE.

LINDA: You’re sure?

KARL: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. This is why I do not use question marks.

LINDA: Well, that’s good, as long a the check clears.

KARL: Your lower half is curious like a monkey in space. It speaks of a clown, stuck in a humorless laugh mob, sad and trapped in its inhuman mask of painted jollity.

LINDA: What does that mean?

KARL: Your skirt looks like it is wearing pants.

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