Fug File: Dialogues

Chadly Played, Chad Michael Murray


CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: It’s true. I’m still alive.

KENZIE DALTON: I can’t BELIEVE we’re still “engaged.”

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: I also can’t believe I am still engaged to the teen extra I started dating before my annulment from Sophia Bush was even finalized, especially considering it’s been six years. Yes. It is true that I, Chad Michael Murray, find that unbelievable.

KENZIE: Because you thought for sure we’d be married by now?

CMM: Mostly because I thought I’d be on wife number 3 right now. Some other co-star. Maybe Hilarie Burton before she ran off and had a secret baby with Jeffrey Dean Morgan or even Ashley Benson. Yes. Ashley Benson was a strong contender even thought she didn’t know it.  Why haven’t I managed to trade you out for the next one yet, I wonder? I do keep wondering that. But I haven’t. And that is probably why we’re not married although it might be mean for me to confirm that. But enough about you and your flapper outfit, let’s talk about me and how I look irritatingly pretty good in this.

KENZIE: YOU DO. I love you.

CMM: Yeah, baby, I know.  And my hair doesn’t look as terrible as it has in the past.

KENZIE: I’m glad I talked you out of getting The Dan Scott.

CMM: I’m glad Natalie Portman started hitting the crack pipe and decided to cast me as Spider Elliott in her remake of Scruples because when that eventually airs (if ever), people are going to be talking about me again. So much talking. Talking about the Chad.

KENZIE: I love the Chad!

CMM: I know.

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Have You Driven A Fug Lately?


STELLA:  Psst. Mom. MOM.

MELANIE: Shhh. I’m concentrating very hard on this fine Ford automobile.

ANTONIO: What is it, Stella?

STELLA: Did I miss a memo? I mean… I’m looking at Daryl… were we SUPPOSED to dress up  like some kind of alternative fuel source?

MELANIE: SSHHH.

ANTONIO: I thought those were her kitchen curtains.

MELANIE: BE QUIET.

STELLA: I’m just very confused…

MELANIE: PEOPLE. It’s party for a HATCHBACK. OBVIOUSLY we are supposed to be incredibly formal and fancy.

ANTONIO: Now I’m confused.

DARYL: Hey dudes. Has the fjord party started yet? When do we leave?

MELANIE: EVERYBODY JUST FACE FORWARD AND THINK ABOUT AIRBAGS AND BLUETOOTH AND FUEL ECONOMY.

ANTONIO: Oh, my.

[Photo: Splash]

 

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Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel, with bonus Nicely Played, Kate Beckinsale


BIEL: … But seriously, what, do you drink the blood of innocents? Make potions out of puppy hair and Tami Taylor’s sweat?

BECKINSALE: Whatever do you mean?

BIEL: Your HAIR. It always looks so full and bushy.

BECKINSALE: Well, obviously I’m not telling you any of my tricks. But I can tell you what I don’t do: mangy half-updos.

BIEL: What’s wrong with half-updos?

BECKINSALE: Nothing, as long as they’re not mangy. But the back of your head looks like a stray dog. Did you even need to do that?

BIEL: Well, it’s supposed to give height…?

BECKINSALE: And does it?

BIEL: Well, I mean… no, maybe?

BECKINSALE: NO.

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Teen Choice Awards: Resoundingly Fine-ly Played, Zooey and Selena


SELENA: Hey, Zooey.

ZOOEY: What’s up, buttercup? You look pretty, in that kind of ‘cheerleader going to her spring dance’ kind of way.

SELENA: Is that a bad thing?

ZOOEY: Only if you accidentally break into some high kicks, Tricks.

SELENA: Well, YOU look… fine, actually. That dress is nice. And your hair looks less fake. And no tights!

ZOOEY: That was the plan, Stan. It’s time for some bare legs, scrambled eggs!

SELENA: Why are you rhyming?

ZOOEY: Does that not seem like something I would do, little boo?

SELENA: I don’t know, but it’s sort of creepy. Can you stop?

ZOOEY: Sure. Maybe instead we’ll just stand here and talk about whether Justin Bieber is a sensitive lover.

SELENA: Ugh, never mind, go back to the rhymes.

ZOOEY: Yeah, that’s what I thought, fembot.

[Photos: Getty]

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Nicky Fugton


NICKY HILTON: I can’t BELIEVE  I’m still getting invited to stuff! REAL stuff! We’re going to the Valentino show! That’s REAL. That’s like an ACTUAL THING.

KATHY HILTON: Shhhh. Don’t draw anyone’s attention to us. In case it was a mistake.

NICKY: Mom.

KATHY: I do look nice, thank you.

NICKY: No, I was going to say that I’m already dressed like the lead in a dominatrix’s re-imagining of “Hot for Teacher.” The cat is out of the bag.

KATHY: Fair enough.

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The Fugprentice


SUNGLASSES: I cannot believe people are allowed to do this to poor, helpless dogs.

LEOPARD: Kid, you don’t know how lucky you have it. Sunglasses? Probably with SPF lenses? LUXURY. Why, back in my day, I got my fur dyed every other week and wore weird ski hats and bows in my hair.

SUNGLASSES: Easy for you to say, Panties. You don’t have your undercarriage hanging out for all the world to see.

LEOPARD: Girl, please. Amateur. Why do you think I learned to cross my legs?

SUNGLASSES: Oh, WOE, can’t she put me into a kennel?

LEOPARD: Child, you are already in prison. At least you’re starting out with a cellmate.

SUNGLASSES: You could enjoy my suffering a bit less, you know.

LEOPARD: No. No, I couldn’t.

[Photos: WENN]

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