Fug File: Dialogues

Fugs Aloud

CHERYL COLE: I look great!

NICOLA ROBERTS: I am wearing a shirt that says, ” HOMIES: South Central.” Because nothing is riper for winkingly ironic tee-shirt hilarity than complex socio-economic problems stemming from a variety of factors leading to serious issues with gang violence in a city not my own!!!!!!!

NADINE COYLE: I also look great.

KIMBERLEY WALSH: My torso was attacked by wild dogs!

SARAH HARDING: Is my butt still there? Yes. Okay. Just checking!

CHERYL: It feels so good to be reunited.


Fug or Fab: Kate and Lea

KATE: Hi, Lea. Have you heard the rumors that I hate you?

LEA: Silliness!

KATE: Absurdity!

LEA: Nonsensical musings!

KATE: Ludicrous lexicography!

LEA: Wackadaisical textual fib fireworks!

KATE: Okay, fine, GOD, you don’t have to be all showy about it.

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[Photos: Getty, Splash]


I Fug Fugabees

LIEV SCHREIBER: You look fantastic mumble mumble mumble.

NAOMI WATTS: What was the rest of that?


NAOMI: It sounded like “from Denise’s cup.” What does that mean? Is that some kind of Lisa Bonet reference?

LIEV: Nothing! It means nothing.

NAOMI: Or maybe it was, “from a flea’s pup.” But that doesn’t make sense. That’s backwards, at best.

LIEV: Nothing! I said NOTHING.

NAOMI:  Was it, “while the trees sup?” Or “from a wee’s gup?” Like, a small child’s guppy? “As the G’s yup?” Like, are you talking about how folks who used to pretend to be all gangsta back in the day have turned into yuppies and are now driving Priuses?

LIEV: “TO YUP” is not a VERB. We don’t even know anyone who used to be pretend to be “gangsta.” Since when do you even use the word “gangsta”?

NAOMI: Since Vicki Gunvalson used it to refer to herself on an episode of Watch What Happens Live. NOW who’s yupped, right? ME.

LIEV: I said, FROM THE KNEES UP. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC FROM THE KNEES UP. Your ankles escaped from the crazy farm and are holding your feet for ransom.

NAOMI: Oh, is that it? Hmm. I think you could have worked Lisa Bonet into that somehow, actually, Liev.

LIEV: I give up.

NAOMI: You look fantastic all over.


Chadly Played, Chad Michael Murray

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: It’s true. I’m still alive.

KENZIE DALTON: I can’t BELIEVE we’re still “engaged.”

CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY: I also can’t believe I am still engaged to the teen extra I started dating before my annulment from Sophia Bush was even finalized, especially considering it’s been six years. Yes. It is true that I, Chad Michael Murray, find that unbelievable.

KENZIE: Because you thought for sure we’d be married by now?

CMM: Mostly because I thought I’d be on wife number 3 right now. Some other co-star. Maybe Hilarie Burton before she ran off and had a secret baby with Jeffrey Dean Morgan or even Ashley Benson. Yes. Ashley Benson was a strong contender even thought she didn’t know it.  Why haven’t I managed to trade you out for the next one yet, I wonder? I do keep wondering that. But I haven’t. And that is probably why we’re not married although it might be mean for me to confirm that. But enough about you and your flapper outfit, let’s talk about me and how I look irritatingly pretty good in this.

KENZIE: YOU DO. I love you.

CMM: Yeah, baby, I know.  And my hair doesn’t look as terrible as it has in the past.

KENZIE: I’m glad I talked you out of getting The Dan Scott.

CMM: I’m glad Natalie Portman started hitting the crack pipe and decided to cast me as Spider Elliott in her remake of Scruples because when that eventually airs (if ever), people are going to be talking about me again. So much talking. Talking about the Chad.

KENZIE: I love the Chad!

CMM: I know.


Have You Driven A Fug Lately?

STELLA:  Psst. Mom. MOM.

MELANIE: Shhh. I’m concentrating very hard on this fine Ford automobile.

ANTONIO: What is it, Stella?

STELLA: Did I miss a memo? I mean… I’m looking at Daryl… were we SUPPOSED to dress up  like some kind of alternative fuel source?


ANTONIO: I thought those were her kitchen curtains.


STELLA: I’m just very confused…

MELANIE: PEOPLE. It’s party for a HATCHBACK. OBVIOUSLY we are supposed to be incredibly formal and fancy.

ANTONIO: Now I’m confused.

DARYL: Hey dudes. Has the fjord party started yet? When do we leave?


ANTONIO: Oh, my.

[Photo: Splash]



Fug or Fab: Jessica Biel, with bonus Nicely Played, Kate Beckinsale

BIEL: … But seriously, what, do you drink the blood of innocents? Make potions out of puppy hair and Tami Taylor’s sweat?

BECKINSALE: Whatever do you mean?

BIEL: Your HAIR. It always looks so full and bushy.

BECKINSALE: Well, obviously I’m not telling you any of my tricks. But I can tell you what I don’t do: mangy half-updos.

BIEL: What’s wrong with half-updos?

BECKINSALE: Nothing, as long as they’re not mangy. But the back of your head looks like a stray dog. Did you even need to do that?

BIEL: Well, it’s supposed to give height…?

BECKINSALE: And does it?

BIEL: Well, I mean… no, maybe?


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Teen Choice Awards: Resoundingly Fine-ly Played, Zooey and Selena

SELENA: Hey, Zooey.

ZOOEY: What’s up, buttercup? You look pretty, in that kind of ‘cheerleader going to her spring dance’ kind of way.

SELENA: Is that a bad thing?

ZOOEY: Only if you accidentally break into some high kicks, Tricks.

SELENA: Well, YOU look… fine, actually. That dress is nice. And your hair looks less fake. And no tights!

ZOOEY: That was the plan, Stan. It’s time for some bare legs, scrambled eggs!

SELENA: Why are you rhyming?

ZOOEY: Does that not seem like something I would do, little boo?

SELENA: I don’t know, but it’s sort of creepy. Can you stop?

ZOOEY: Sure. Maybe instead we’ll just stand here and talk about whether Justin Bieber is a sensitive lover.

SELENA: Ugh, never mind, go back to the rhymes.

ZOOEY: Yeah, that’s what I thought, fembot.

[Photos: Getty]