Fug File: Dialogues

Super Bowl: Namathly Played, Joe Namath


PHIL: Listen, ref, can’t you do something?

TERRY McAULAY: What would you have me do, exactly?

PHIL: You’ve got the flag in your belt. Throw it. Throw some laundry on this play.

JOE: What are you talking about?

TERRY: Sorry, Phil. I just don’t see a foul here.

PHIL: Aw, come on! Neutral zone infraction? If he lined up near the ball that thing would fall across the line for sure.

TERRY: Nope.

PHIL: Unnecessary roughness? To the animal?

TERRY: That’s not for me to judge. It might be faux.

PHIL: I’M SO SURE.

JOE: You don’t know my life.

PHIL: Yes, I do. You’re Broadway Joe. You wear fur coats. You’ve even probably worn this one before.

JOE: Well, then, it’s vintage. BAM.

PHIL: Unsportsmanlike conduct, then?

TERRY: In what way?

PHIL: In the sense that nobody will even notice me standing here if he’s wearing that thing.

TERRY: Phil, I’m sorry. The rules specifically state that any Super Bowl held in the state of New Jersey can and should be treated as if it’s being played on the ice planet Hoth, regardless of the game time temperature. Hell, Jimmy Johnson was walking around with actual tauntaun guts packed inside his coat and you didn’t say anything.

PHIL: Well, I’m not with Jimmy. Listen, Terry. Don’t make me sic Greg Gumbel on you. He looks cuddly but he’ll floss your teeth with your jugular as soon as look at you.

TERRY: Sigh. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to run afoul of the Gumbel Machine.

JOE: This is boring. I’m going to find the Red Hot Chili Peppers. May the furs be with you, always. MIC DROP.

PHIL: …

TERRY: Disgraceful. Let’s call that an illegal hit. Fifteen yards and fifty grand.

PHIL: I knew you’d see things my way.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Amusingly Played, Idol Judges


JENNIFER LOPEZ: HOLA LOVERS.

KEITH URBAN: Hey, Jennifer. Hi, Harry. Welcome to the show. Nice hair.

J.LO: Thank you, Kiki.

KEITH: It’s Keith. And I was talking to Harry.

HARRY CONNICK, JR: Thanks, Keith. Yours is also suave. So angular.

KEITH: No, yours is.

HARRY: No, YOURS.

J.LO: No. YO! Haha, see what I did?

RYAN: Is this basically going to be a season-long grooming competition between you three? Because I am SO in for this.

J.LO: No, Weecrest. There is no contest. I am wearing the web you will be caught in and devoured like tiny, hairy hipster flies. There is no one but me.

HARRY: I don’t know, Jennifer, I’m pretty–

J.LO: NO ONE BUT ME. MY CONTRACT SAYS NO ONE BUT ME.

KEITH: I’m pretty sure that’s not true…?

J.LO: I’m pretty sure YOU are not true, Soul Patch.

RYAN: Good luck, gentlemen. If you need me, I’ll be on the phone with Steven Tyler.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

 

react:

SWINTerfeldly Played: SWINTON and Karl


Karl: Delicious pixie, whither the spice? DUST.

SWINTON: Hello, Karl. Your voice is the purring of the tiger I tamed last night in my living room.

Karl: True or not? Fantasy is the foreplay of reality. CLIMAX.

SWINTON: No, Karl, not until the orgy of where black and white intersect and explode into the erotic grays that shade our yens, numbering not fifty but infinity.

Karl: Your lilt intoxicates. No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.

SWINTON: I feel this connection. You bring an international adapter to my plug, and together, electricity. Power. A hair dryer, keening in the wind, its purpose lost and found.

Karl: I will mourn the end of our duet. A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.

SWINTON: So rare a bird are you that birds themselves quit, and join the circus. Promise me we’ll meet again.

Karl: Have you the feet to travel? Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.

SWINTON: Fare you well.

Karl: I bit you sad farewell, knowing I will forget we ever met. Memories are for the innocent. SIN.

 

react:

Fug Fugdashian


KANYE: HOLD THE PHONE.

KIM: I can’t fit anything else in my purse, Kanye.

KANYE: IT IS AN EXPRESSION, KIMBERLY. I WAS WORDSMITHING. IT MEANS ‘WTF OMG.’

KIM: Oh, okay. Well, right back at you.

KANYE: WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT OUTSIDE? AND I DON’T MEAN TO CHIDE OR BE AT ALL SNIDE, BUT I WANT YOU TO HIDE BECAUSE SOMEBODY LIED AND TOLD YOU THAT OUTFIT WAS FLY, WHEN IT’S JUST A SEXYTIME RIDE, AND IT HURTS MY PRIDE THAT FOR A PARTY YOU TRIED WEARING THE GIFT THAT I PLIED FROM A DESIGNER WHO CRIED WHEN I TOOK THIS FOR MY BRIDE. AND NOW TO THEE, WODE BETIDE, BECAUSE MY HURT IS SO WIDE THAT I FEEL A DIVIDE. AND TONIGHT I WON’T BE YOUR EROTIC TOUR GUIDE, SO ACCESS DENIED, PUT DOWN THE ASTROGLIDE AND GO THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WORE LINGERIE TO A CASINO. I AM THE MOST KNOWN FOR CLOTHING AND NOW I FEEL LOATHING.

KIM: I don’t know what any of that means, but your coat would make the awesomest wallpaper for a secret room under the stairs.

KANYE; I’M GOING TO GO BUILD ONE OF THOSE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE ARTISTIC EXPRESSION IS THE CORNERSTONE OF THE UNIVERSE. NO DISRESPECT TO BEN AFFLECK.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Kimye-ly Played, Kimye


Kim: Psst. Kanye.

KANYE: YES, WHAT IS IT?

Kim: Thanks for crawling on your hands and knees through a roughly dug trench just to get me a breast pump that works in French outlets.

KANYE: IT WAS NOTHING,

Kim: It means a lot to ME.

KANYE: NO REALLY IT WAS NOTHING, BECAUSE I DID NOT DO THAT.

Kim: Sorry, I just assumed because of the pants…

KANYE:  MY PANTS ARE THE MOST HONEST PIECE OF FABRIC IN YEARS.

Kim: Let’s just get to the car.

[Photos: WENN, Splash]

react:

Susan Fugrandon


SUSAN: Hey, Thelma.

GEENA: Hey, Louise.

SUSAN: You look… my GOD, woman, were you always this tall?

GEENA: Yep.

SUSAN: Lucky.

GEENA: I know, right? And… were you always this… doily’d?

SUSAN: Yep.

GEENA: Oh.

SUSAN: I’m just kidding. I have no idea what is happening on my body right now.

GEENA: I was going to say. Your head is outstanding, but from the neck down you look like a third-grade teacher whose class tried to trap her inside snowflakes of homicidal doom.

SUSAN: Well, I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time.

GEENA: But… I mean, are you wearing… a garment, of some kind, that hides your Sarandon? Or is that just a long shirt with… what is happening?

SUSAN: Geena, seriously, I don’t know. I play ping-pong now.

GEENA: I see.

SUSAN: And that’s a gateway to beer pong, so basically, you’re lucky I’m not curled up inside a Solo cup right now.

GEENA: It might be a better fashion statement.

SUSAN: Whatever, Thelma. You are wearing a mud puddle.

GEENA: Have you ever gone as Susan Saran Wrap for Halloween? I just have to ask.

SUSAN: Hop in my car. I have a cliff I’d like to show you.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

VMAs Pantsless Carpet: Danity Kane


In which Danity Kane “reunites” and the world responds with a resounding, “Wait, who are they again?”

To which we say, “You know, that girl group from Making The Band that brought us Fug Madness Champion 2009 Aubrey O’Day (third from the left) who has chopped off her hair but has kindly continued to bring us fashion shenanigans by ALSO apparently chopping off her pants. The entirety of the reborn Danity Kane, in fact, shuns pants. They’re coming to us on an anti-pants mission. Which actually might mean they’re perfectly poised for a return to MTV.”

[Photo: Getty]

react: