Fug File: Dialogues

Fug Effects


ROONEY: I can’t look.

CATE: Why, pet?

ROONEY: Look, I don’t know whether people voted that outfit Fug or Fab yet, but I just feel like maybe I didn’t think this through.

CATE: What, dear? Your outfit?

ROONEY: Everything. The outfit. How the outfit would look standing next to you. The fact that our skin looks the same age even though you’re 16 years older than I am, and I didn’t even think to bring a notebook to write down how the hell you DO THAT.

CATE: Sunscreen. And also I marinate in awesome sauce every night for an hour while I read scripts.

ROONEY: You do?

CATE: No. I’m kidding. I marinate in it all the time. It’s called my DNA. Or maybe it’s four bottles of really good wine. I’ll never tell.

ROONEY: I should have worn a real skirt.

CATE: It’s good advice. But listen, I have a checkered history, Roo. I have worn all kinds of things that might not be real skirts. I’m still not sure I didn’t accidentally wear someone’s granny’s afghan. The key is to act like it’s a real skirt, and like you don’t give a toss if it’s not, because whatever is going on inside your head is more interesting than what’s happening on your body and people should FEEL that.

ROONEY: You make it sound so easy.

CATE: It comes with age and wisdom. And also probably the sauce. Or the wine.

ROONEY: Maybe I’ll try the wine first and see.

CATE: Yes. Baby steps. Get sauced however you can.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Super Bowl: Namathly Played, Joe Namath


PHIL: Listen, ref, can’t you do something?

TERRY McAULAY: What would you have me do, exactly?

PHIL: You’ve got the flag in your belt. Throw it. Throw some laundry on this play.

JOE: What are you talking about?

TERRY: Sorry, Phil. I just don’t see a foul here.

PHIL: Aw, come on! Neutral zone infraction? If he lined up near the ball that thing would fall across the line for sure.

TERRY: Nope.

PHIL: Unnecessary roughness? To the animal?

TERRY: That’s not for me to judge. It might be faux.

PHIL: I’M SO SURE.

JOE: You don’t know my life.

PHIL: Yes, I do. You’re Broadway Joe. You wear fur coats. You’ve even probably worn this one before.

JOE: Well, then, it’s vintage. BAM.

PHIL: Unsportsmanlike conduct, then?

TERRY: In what way?

PHIL: In the sense that nobody will even notice me standing here if he’s wearing that thing.

TERRY: Phil, I’m sorry. The rules specifically state that any Super Bowl held in the state of New Jersey can and should be treated as if it’s being played on the ice planet Hoth, regardless of the game time temperature. Hell, Jimmy Johnson was walking around with actual tauntaun guts packed inside his coat and you didn’t say anything.

PHIL: Well, I’m not with Jimmy. Listen, Terry. Don’t make me sic Greg Gumbel on you. He looks cuddly but he’ll floss your teeth with your jugular as soon as look at you.

TERRY: Sigh. Yeah, I definitely don’t want to run afoul of the Gumbel Machine.

JOE: This is boring. I’m going to find the Red Hot Chili Peppers. May the furs be with you, always. MIC DROP.

PHIL: …

TERRY: Disgraceful. Let’s call that an illegal hit. Fifteen yards and fifty grand.

PHIL: I knew you’d see things my way.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Amusingly Played, Idol Judges


JENNIFER LOPEZ: HOLA LOVERS.

KEITH URBAN: Hey, Jennifer. Hi, Harry. Welcome to the show. Nice hair.

J.LO: Thank you, Kiki.

KEITH: It’s Keith. And I was talking to Harry.

HARRY CONNICK, JR: Thanks, Keith. Yours is also suave. So angular.

KEITH: No, yours is.

HARRY: No, YOURS.

J.LO: No. YO! Haha, see what I did?

RYAN: Is this basically going to be a season-long grooming competition between you three? Because I am SO in for this.

J.LO: No, Weecrest. There is no contest. I am wearing the web you will be caught in and devoured like tiny, hairy hipster flies. There is no one but me.

HARRY: I don’t know, Jennifer, I’m pretty–

J.LO: NO ONE BUT ME. MY CONTRACT SAYS NO ONE BUT ME.

KEITH: I’m pretty sure that’s not true…?

J.LO: I’m pretty sure YOU are not true, Soul Patch.

RYAN: Good luck, gentlemen. If you need me, I’ll be on the phone with Steven Tyler.

[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

 

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SWINTerfeldly Played: SWINTON and Karl


Karl: Delicious pixie, whither the spice? DUST.

SWINTON: Hello, Karl. Your voice is the purring of the tiger I tamed last night in my living room.

Karl: True or not? Fantasy is the foreplay of reality. CLIMAX.

SWINTON: No, Karl, not until the orgy of where black and white intersect and explode into the erotic grays that shade our yens, numbering not fifty but infinity.

Karl: Your lilt intoxicates. No lemur among our planetkind could buzz my edges as you do. BLUR.

SWINTON: I feel this connection. You bring an international adapter to my plug, and together, electricity. Power. A hair dryer, keening in the wind, its purpose lost and found.

Karl: I will mourn the end of our duet. A fruit bowl broken, but not the way you think, is where poetry is born. You are the bowl, and fruit is for the wicked. PEEL.

SWINTON: So rare a bird are you that birds themselves quit, and join the circus. Promise me we’ll meet again.

Karl: Have you the feet to travel? Shoes make spirits whole. HEM.

SWINTON: Fare you well.

Karl: I bit you sad farewell, knowing I will forget we ever met. Memories are for the innocent. SIN.

 

react:

Fug Fugdashian


KANYE: HOLD THE PHONE.

KIM: I can’t fit anything else in my purse, Kanye.

KANYE: IT IS AN EXPRESSION, KIMBERLY. I WAS WORDSMITHING. IT MEANS ‘WTF OMG.’

KIM: Oh, okay. Well, right back at you.

KANYE: WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT OUTSIDE? AND I DON’T MEAN TO CHIDE OR BE AT ALL SNIDE, BUT I WANT YOU TO HIDE BECAUSE SOMEBODY LIED AND TOLD YOU THAT OUTFIT WAS FLY, WHEN IT’S JUST A SEXYTIME RIDE, AND IT HURTS MY PRIDE THAT FOR A PARTY YOU TRIED WEARING THE GIFT THAT I PLIED FROM A DESIGNER WHO CRIED WHEN I TOOK THIS FOR MY BRIDE. AND NOW TO THEE, WODE BETIDE, BECAUSE MY HURT IS SO WIDE THAT I FEEL A DIVIDE. AND TONIGHT I WON’T BE YOUR EROTIC TOUR GUIDE, SO ACCESS DENIED, PUT DOWN THE ASTROGLIDE AND GO THINK ABOUT HOW YOU WORE LINGERIE TO A CASINO. I AM THE MOST KNOWN FOR CLOTHING AND NOW I FEEL LOATHING.

KIM: I don’t know what any of that means, but your coat would make the awesomest wallpaper for a secret room under the stairs.

KANYE; I’M GOING TO GO BUILD ONE OF THOSE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE ARTISTIC EXPRESSION IS THE CORNERSTONE OF THE UNIVERSE. NO DISRESPECT TO BEN AFFLECK.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Kimye-ly Played, Kimye


Kim: Psst. Kanye.

KANYE: YES, WHAT IS IT?

Kim: Thanks for crawling on your hands and knees through a roughly dug trench just to get me a breast pump that works in French outlets.

KANYE: IT WAS NOTHING,

Kim: It means a lot to ME.

KANYE: NO REALLY IT WAS NOTHING, BECAUSE I DID NOT DO THAT.

Kim: Sorry, I just assumed because of the pants…

KANYE:  MY PANTS ARE THE MOST HONEST PIECE OF FABRIC IN YEARS.

Kim: Let’s just get to the car.

[Photos: WENN, Splash]

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