Fug File: Dialogues

Fug the Concert Costume: Bey and Jay


Beyonce and Jay-Z at the On The Run Tour in New Jersey

JAY: Hey, Bey.

BEYONCE: Hey, Jay.

JAY: You okay?

BEY: Like a fine cabernet.

JAY: Should we cover some Sugar Ray?

BEY: I want to do “My Way.”

JAY: Maybe someday.

BEY: I get a say. I’m the one with leather up in my va-jay-jay.

JAY: I don’t want to hear this today.

BEY: What, in case it deflates your souffle?

JAY: My interest in this shows exponential decay.

BEY: Tell me: What does this mask portray?

JAY: Something risque? Like a minx in the CIA?

BEY: IT LOOKS LIKE A POWER PLAY.

JAY: Nah, it’s just a mystery buffet.

BEY: WHAT buffet? I CAN’T EAT. MY MOUTH IS BLOCKED OFF. AM I BEING SILENCED? AM I SUBSERVIENT TO YOU NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN? DO YOU NOT GET WHY THIS LOOKS OFF?

JAY: Does that follow our rhyme? NAY.

BEY: FINE THEN. HOW’S THIS: I HOPE THAT’S A TOUPEE.

JAY: I miss Kanye.

[Photo: AKM-GSI]

 

react:

WTF: Kim Kardashian at Valentino


Kim: Hi, Mr. Valentine.
Valentino: No, no, no. NO.
KK: Oh, sorry, Mr. Gandhi. I’m bad with names.
V: Uh…okay, yeah, whatever. I don’t have time to explain this to you. Who invited you, anyway?
KK: Everyone. I’m royal. I have cheekbones now and everything.
V: How much of you is you?
KK: OMG are you a poet? That’s so deep.
V: There is no hope of this conversation satisfying me.
KK: Isn’t my cleavage rad?
V: … I will give you that you do not look awful.
KK: So but Mr. Garamond, how come you didn’t bronze your HANDS, too!
V: NEXT.
[Photo: Fame/Flynet]

 

react:

Guys’ Choice Awards Pointedly Not Nakedly Played: Rihanna


KEVIN HART: RIHANNA! What are you DOING? YOU are KILLING ME.

RIHANNA: Ha ha, your clothes look like someone drove past you through a mud puddle.

KEVIN: That’s not what I MEAN, Rihanna. What do guys choose, Rihanna?

RIHANNA: Uh. Me?

KEVIN: YES. And NIPPLES. YOU AND NIPPLES. WHY DID YOU WEAR THE NAKED DRESS TO THAT OTHER THING?

RIHANNA; Well, I thought it might be creepy to wear that here, so I’m keeping it casual, yeah?  It was a fashion statement. Don’t wanna upstage the antlers.

KEVIN: It was a BUTTOCK STATEMENT. And we wanted to HEAR IT. We would have been HERE FOR YOU. We would have TAKEN DICTATION.

RIHANNA: All right, I get it, but I have a whole naked strategy and it does not involve you or tonight. Naked Dress’s time has come and gone, man.

KEVIN: Time is a flat circle, Rihanna. Time is a FLAT. CIRCLE.

RIHANNA: What does that even mean?

KEVIN: I don’t know! McConaughey said it on True Detective so it’s probably total bullshit! Maybe it means I will get a chance to come back around and TRUTHFULLY DETECT your NAKED DRESS!

RIHANNA: I’m kinda over my nipples now. NEXT.

KEVIN: Lordy. Rethink your timing next year.

RIHANNA: No thanks. I’m good. Rethink your shirt.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Cleavly Played: Beyonce and Blake Lively in Gucci


BLAKE: Hey, Bey!

BEYONCE: Hey, B!

BLAKE: Actually, I played Serena!

BEYONCE: But your actual name starts with a B!

BLAKE: Oh! That’s needlessly confusing!

BEYONCE: Don’t question my methods!

BLAKE: I mean it’s brilliant!

BEYONCE: Correct! Bey the way, I notice you are cleaving out!

BLAKE: Yes! Because in case you haven’t noticed, these are fantastic!

BEYONCE: My rider says nobody can flash the boobeys except for me!

BLAKE: I didn’t get that memo!

BEYONCE: A likely story! Get them out of here or I will bey you DOWN!

BLAKE: OMG, The Beygency is real! I’d better not blurt out that I don’t really like your jumpsuit! Oh, shit, I said that out loud!

BEYONCE: BEYDAY! BEYDAY! WE HAVE A RED ALERT.You have a ten second head start, and then you’d better beylieve that if I catch you I will make you REPENT!

BLAKE: Sigh, it was so pleasant up until then.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Well Played, Amanda Seyfried (in Alexander McQueen ) and Charlize Theron (in Stella McCartney)


AMANDA SEYFRIED: Hey, Charz.

CHARLIZE THERON: Mands. How can I help you?

AMANDA: Just checking on the dress code for the photocall today.

CHARLIZE: Legs.

AMANDA: Gotcha. Sandals?

CHARLIZE: Yep.

AMANDA: Black?

CHARLIZE: You know it.

AMANDA: You want the red lipstick this time?

CHARLIZE: I can rock it.

AMANDA: Done. Pleasure working with you.

CHARLIZE: See you out there.

[Photo: Getty]

react:

Cannes Fug or Fine: Cate Blanchett and Adele Exarchopoulos in Valentino


LOGAN LERMAN: So, I’m not sure what this is, exactly…?

CATE: It’s a photo op, darling.

ADELE: I am standing next to Cate Blanchett.

LOGAN: But…  is it, like, a giant watch?

CATE: It’s an award, love. Don’t be the only actor who questions it when people want to give them things.

ADELE: Cate effing Blanchett. How does she look? I can’t look.

LOGAN: Is it a bracelet? I don’t need a bracelet.

CATE: Everyone needs a bracelet, dove.

ADELE: How do I look? Why am I standing next to her? Can you see my thighs? Can you see HER thighs? Is it okay if my dress is see-through as long as hers is? NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT TO DO HERE.

LOGAN: Is it a ladder? Why do I need a tiny gold ladder?

CATE: For tiny gold roofing emergencies.

LOGAN: Do I have those?

CATE: Don’t you?

LOGAN: …

CATE: Just kidding. Only large gold roofing emergencies for me.

ADELE: She is so cool. How does she look so good covered in silver algae? I can’t. Please finish this so I can go get a large drink.

LOGAN: Uh, does anyone need a small hydraulic lift? Goes to the highest bidder.

CATE: I’ll give you five Australian dollars and a smolder.

LOGAN: Done.

How do you like Cate's dress?

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And Adele?

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Let's not leave Logan out:

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[Photo: Getty]

 

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