Fug File: Crotchtacular

Fug Open

Look, I love Serena Williams. I just do. During Outburstgate at the US Open, I just kind of wanted to grab her and ask her what she was thinking, point out that the only really advisable way to emulate John McEnroe is by playing excellent tennis, and then hug her and go take her out for a beer with Kim Clijsters, who also probably really needed one.  HOWEVER. What I do not love is:

THAT is a SHIRT. Or — and this just occurred to me — it is a very formal tennis dress, in which case I cannot wait to see her play in those shoes.


Fug or Fab or Fug or Fab: Sophia Bush

Our girl Sophia Bush has been out and about a lot the last couple of days, handily illustrating the thrill of sartorial victory and the agony of its defeat.

This one, I think, is a win:

Does she look like the world’s sexiest referee? Maybe, although she was smart to leave her whistle at home. But she also looks sort of modern and graphic and curvy — frankly, I think this works, although I’m concerned that her shoes are brown. Surely that’s just craziness on my part, however, yes? Brown shoes would be foolishness at the level of the fact that last night’s One Tree Hill involved NO MALE SHIRTLESSNESS. Considering that this is the first time that has EVER happened on that show, let’s just say….I am concerned. Also, I’d like to take this moment to officially thank the OTH crew for casting Hot Hot Robert Buckley as Nathan’s Generally Shirtless Troubled Manwhore Agent With a Heart of Gold and MYSTERIOUS PAST.  I’d also like to share that when I originally wrote that sentence, I accidentally left out the word “Agent,” and I admit that I would also watch THAT show.

Anyway, further craziness on Sophia’s part, however, is amply demonstrated by THIS:
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The Fugple Life

[Photo: Splash News]

DOUG: Hey, Paris?

PARIS: Yes, Doug?

DOUG: What time is it?

PARIS: It’s… hmm, let me see… Time To Stop Wearing Headbands O’Clock.

DOUG: Are you sure?

PARIS: Let me check again. It could ALSO be Crotch-Flash-Thirty.

DOUG: They BOTH sound right.

PARIS: Oh, no, wait, I can see — it’s actually a quarter past Our 15 Minutes Should Have Been Up Two Years Ago.



Letter of Fug: Part TIME TRAVEL

Oh my god, hey y’all! What’s up?

[Photo: PacificCoastNewsOnline.com]

I hope y’all have a full Slurpee because I have got A LOT to talk to y’all
about and I don’t have any time for y’all to get up and get a snack, like
the last time I was talking to my mama about how Ed Morocco (or whatever
the Sam Hill that tan man’s name is over at E!) has been saying that Justin
and Lucy from 7th Heaven are FINALLY breaking up and now we can seriously finally
be together again — like can you imagine the hilarious sequel we could
do to “Dick in a Box”? I’m gonna entitle it “Arm in a Handbag” — and
she just stood up and said she needed a drink and she never came back,
which I thought was really rude.

So anyway yeah I’m working on “Arm in a Handbag”  and I was going to call it, “Head in a Backpack,” but Jamie Lynn said that was creepy and she says she should know since she’s taking some dumb class on criminal psychology from the University of Phoenix because she says she needs to have an “actual job like a normal person” and I don’t know why she always makes those little finger air marks and gives me a dirty look when she says that but whatever. She’s been so crabby since that pipe layer knocked her up and I keep telling her what she ought to do is get REAL FAT and then go on The Celebrity Fit Club and then we made some mean jokes about Kevin that I won’t illiterate here because they’re not very nice and he is the father of my three children or however many I have.

I’M JUST KIDDING Y’ALL. I know I only have two babies, I’m not CRAZY anymore. Can’t you tell from my outfit? This is CLASSIC BRITNEY SPEARS NORMAL Y’ALL! Cut-offs? Check! Belly-shirt? CHECK. Visible bra? CHECK. Stumpy UGG boots in 150 degree heat? CHECK. Messy blonde ponytail? CHECK. The only thing missing is a belly ring and a snake, am I right?! I am serious, y’all, if someone hit you over the head with a Crockpot and you woke up next to the computer and this picture was the first thing you saw you would totally think you’d been awokened in 2004 which just happens to be the year I released my Emmy-winning hit single “Toxic” which I think everyone knows is awesome. COINCIDENCE? You be the umpire.

Yeah, so even though when I left the house to go to Target to get tube socks wearing this outfit my Daddy like sighed real deep and said something about trouble, I think we can all agree that actually what this look means is that everything is going to be TOTALLY FINE because I could not be feeling more like myself! HOW MUCH LIKE ME DO I LOOK? I’m like a Halloween costume of myself I look so much like me. And it feels seriously awesome so I can only quote that sweet little curly-haired girl in Clueless and tell you that I hope me looking like me doesn’t happen sporadically.

ANYWAY. Thanks for listening and I know you love the cut-offs so YOU’RE WELCOME and now I have to get back to work on “Arm in a Handbag.” YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO LOVE IT although I might send him “Head in a Backpack” TOO because it is honestly catchy and Jamie Lynn is seriously quite dumb, you guys.





Jenny Fugphrey

Look, I know the people on Gossip Girl are fake, but come on — would Rufus Humphrey really be okay with this?

[Photo: Splash News]

Assuming my eyes do not deceive me, that is Little J’s shirttail hanging out from her skirt. Which means she’s wearing bottoms that are not as long as her top. And I know Rufus is kind of caught up in his own drama, what with Lily being out of town and them having a secret love child together that they think is dead, and all the time he clearly has to spend nurturing his Man Bangs and writing ’90s-era rock songs about how gnarly it is when your stepdaughter drops out of college and turns into a tabloid-baiting — albeit also amusing — asswad. And I know he’s kind of into being to his kids what the principal who announces he’s your “princi-PAL” is to high-schoolers. But even amid all that, I’m pretty sure Rufus Humphrey would take one look at Little J trying to leave the house in this, or ANY of her terrible ensembles, and be like, “Jenny, your crotch is not an accessory. GO TO YOUR ROOM.” So could we get on that please, Gossip Girl? It’s not going to WORK, but he should at least TRY.


Sophie Fugk

Coming soon to a theater near you: The Tear-Away Bride, starring Sophie Monk as a fabric-shy commitment-phobe who rips off a piece of her wedding dress every time she jilts someone, until one day her crotch pops out and points itself at Mr. Right.

It could be a franchise:

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Emmy Awards Post-Party Fug: AnnaLynne McCord

Drunkface McCord has a message for you:

In two hours she’ll be performing a sex-jams cover of “Material Girl” at the Playboy Lounge on the Lido Deck. Bring cash for tips and booze, but the pretzels are free.

P.S. If she holds a raffle for the shoes and the bag, I will buy 100 tickets.