Fug File: Crotchtacular

BET Awards Fug Performance: Alicia Keys


See that cute girl with the red lipstick standing behind Alicia? I think her expression says it all:

It says, “that dress is cute, but I hope to God you don’t get too close to the edge of the stage, because we’re all going to be able to see straight up it. Everyone’s happy you’re having a baby, but none of us are so happy that we actually want to act as your OB-GYN.”

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BET Awards Fug Carpet: Jada Pinkett-Smith


I deeply, deeply, deeply sincerely wish I could have been present for Jada PS’s decision-making process vis a vis what she wore to last night’s BET Awards:

I can just picture her coming out of her walk-in closet and announcing to Will that, AT LAST, she’s found the perfect way to marry the concept of the old-timey bathing suit to a more professional look! For years, she’s been wondering what to wear if she gets cast in a role as a Deputy DA who’s a world-champion synchronized swimmer on the side — and now she knows! And, in fact, she wants them to write and produce that movie: they’ll call it, The Jury Pool, and Lifetime will go so nuts for it that they’ll have to write a sequel, but in the sequel the DA will have moved onto ballet, and they can call it, The Plié Bargain! And Will will just hum a few bars of “It’s Not Unusual” to himself and smile and nod. 

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The Real Fugwives of New Fug


Look, I LOVE Real Housewives of New York‘s Sonja Morgan. I love her, and everyone I know who watches RHoNY loves her and I will continue to love her until, three seasons from now, she snaps — as they all eventually do — and she “accidentally” pushes LuAnn in front of a cab. But for now, we are in our honeymoon phase. In spite of this:

She is easily my favorite of the NY housewives — she’s just a kick, and she seems like a genuinely nice, funny person. I would happily be stuck in an elevator with her for a couple of hours. I feel like she would give me hilarious life advice and a dash of dirty gossip and then we could just talk about boys. And while we were stuck there, I could ask her why she allowed Kelly “Hey, Why Don’t You Wear This Shirt As a Dress?” Bensimon to style her for this event. My current theory is that she felt bad for poor crazy Kelly and just decided to do the kid a solid. I told you she was nice.

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MTV Movie Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Kristen Stewart


KRISTEN STEWART: Hey, Rob.

ROBERT PATTINSON: Yeah, what’s up?

KSTEW: I just read somewhere the other day that, with your new haircut, you look kind of like Jason Priestley in the original 90210. And all of a sudden, I saw it. And now I can’t unsee it. We might have to break up.

RPATTZ: What are you talking about? Why would that be the deal-breaker?

KSTEW: Brandon Walsh is a TERRIBLE boyfriend.

RPATTZ: He’s totally sensitive!

KSTEW: He’s SO PATRONIZING and JUDGEY. Seriously, have you watched those reruns lately? HE’S SUCH A BLOWHARD.

RPATTZ: Listen, I’m going to have to grow it all out again for Twilight: Vampire Babies. So can you just hang tight for a bit?

KSTEW: Like, you need to revisit how bunchy his panties got when he found out Susan had an abortion! He was UNBEARABLE! HE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HER! And she was DISTRAUGHT! And he totally –

RPATTZ: OKAY, let’s change the subject. Shall we talk about your outfit?

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Fug Bites


Dear Becki Newton,

You know who else doesn’t wear pants? LINDSAY LOHAN.

IS THAT REALLY THE PATH YOU WANT TO GO DOWN?!!!???

Love,
Jessica

PS: The pilot you’re in that NBC picked for for next fall looks cute. I’m glad you’re working even if you are running about town in a long tank and a jacket.

PPS: Seriously, though, think about what I said, okay? Thanks!

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Karolina Fugkova


Awesome! It turns out all that wacky weaving I learned at summer camp IS useful AFTER ALL:

They should have told us that one day, we could put those skills to work creating a skimpy, fire-hazard dress out of an old, too-large halter top! That, I would have accepted, rather than just muttered under my breath how much I hate nature, wondering when I would get to go swimming, and complaining about how I was totally missing something good on TV. Let’s look at the back of this little piece of arts and crafts:

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