So, this is ZÃ¶e Salmon, who, Wikipedia tells me, is an Irish TV presenter who used to host a BBC children’s show called Blue Peter, which seems like a title which must have prompted many a juvenile pun from the children of the United Kingdom. She’s apparently been in a lot of other random British TV shows, like Dancing on Ice and something I orginally misread as, Shooting at the Stars. My reaction to that was, “I knew this day would come.” And it will. It just hasn’t yet. (Apparently, the show is actually called Shooting Stars and it sounds TOTALLY BATSHIT CRAZY/kind of awesome. Wikipedia described it as, “simultaneously a parody of the game show format and an experiment in dadaist television,” which is not a sentence I ever expected to read outside of a university course on post-modernism. I would explain how the show works here except none of us have six hours. You HAVE to read the Wikipedia page about it, though. It sounds…. amazing and like something you would stumble on and wonder if you’d suffered a major head injury that you’d forgetten about, especially if you accidentally found it on the first day of your vacation, say, and you had wicked jetlag to begin with. Seriously. Go read about it. I need someone to email me and explain to me if it is actually entertaining because it sounds brilliant.)
Where ARE we? Oh, right. Z – “o” with an umlat – e.
I am confused by several things:
- Is that BLUE EYESHADOW? It’s very….potent.
- Sweetpea, your shirt is doing that gappy thing mine does ALL THE TIME. I hear a little doublesided tape will fix you right up. Hey, these things happen.
- Are those…shorts? I’m seriously asking. I am pretty sure they are shorts. Which leads me to:
- Those are SHORT. Like, that…is not even an inseam. It’s like an “inse.”
- Something about this angle makes your shorts look like you actually have a denim binder for hips and it’s kind of MESMERIZING, if we’re being honest.
- Pursuant to the point about the binder, you have the FLATTEST STOMACH EVER. I’d consider high-waisted shorts if they made my stomach look this flat (she wrote, eating a cold piece of pizza).
- I won’t actually go through with that, but still.
- No, they’re really short. I mean, really. Really short.
- But have a good time at your party. I can’t hold anything against you right now — if I’d never seen this picture, I never would have read the following sentence on Wikipedia: “Ulrika Jonsson had to wipe dandruff from a car windscreen using any of her four cheeks, while Oops Upside Your Head by the Gap Band played.” I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. But it’s funny.